Sister refuses to help elderly parents with dementia

[Birdy8]

My parents were both diagnosed with dementia in 2019. They were living abroad and had to return as their conditions worsened. In the years proceeding this my eldest sister made it clear that she didn't not want them to return permanently but when they did temporarily for various treatments she would do some bits and pieces like making some food or having them over for a day whilst they stayed at my brother's home as he has space. However my mum suffered an injury and we met abroad last year to discuss treatment and the future - my eldest sister (retired, no responsibilities) and brother (single, no responsibilities) only came for 2 and 3 weeks respectively (neither would book to stay over Christmas) whilst my elder sister and I were there for extended periods. An argument happened between my sisters and I and my eldest sister left and has not seen our parents since before Christmas. The argument had nothing to with my parents so not their fault, she has used it as an excuse to cut them and their illnesses out of her life. She doesn't speak to us and has generally become a more difficult person over the years, even not supporting me and my children during DV years back and the reality is that I can't forgive it although I put it aside. My brother never says anything against her despite her selfishness and unreasonableness. My elder sister, brother and I have had the responsibility over the past year of arranging care, getting our parents back to UK and into residential even though I have a lot on my plate. Has anyone experienced anything similar with siblings?

OspreyLambo
“DH's family never gave us anything, even for our wedding they had so many demands but we paid for most of it ourselves and they gave us a small present off the registry. They're very wealthy and can afford proper carers so I'll be expecting them to put their hands in their pockets and for DH to focus on our family, not run around for them. We never expected anything from them, and never received anything. So they'll be getting the same treatment.”

How glad I am that our loving, close, family relationships aren’t transactional, as yours our.
No demands or expectations on either side. As it happens, we gave our eldest their wedding and home deposit, because we wanted to. Expect we’ll do the same for the youngest. He’ll will freeze over before we accept personal care from either of them. We’ve made provision and are lining up our living circumstances accordingly. We will pay for professional care.
Both children have told us that they don’t need or want “inheritance” and want us cared for and comfortable in our final years. In the meantime, we’ll continue to help them out, take them on holidays, indulge our grandchild, because we can and because we want to. It gives us pleasure. No “payback” required.

We brought them up to fly and they are. That’s the job of parents, to look after their children. Not the other way around. No way are we going to clip their wings when we’re perfectly able to think ahead - as most people are but choose not to - and plan accordingly.

This “they didn’t do this for me so I’m not going to do that for them” is pretty obnoxious.

OP your parents are in a home and are 4 years into a dementia diagnosis. Most of the heavy lifting of care is going to be provided by the staff in the home. As family you might be contributing financially or visiting. Good for you if your are.

I’m not sure what impact your sisters has in this situation except maybe hurting or upsetting your parents. But you don’t mention that just how you feel

Are you entirely sure she isn’t visiting? She could just be avoiding you in visits. Your brother might be facilitating contact but keeping you both apart because you have fallen out.

In his shoes I would want to try to arrange for my sibling to see our parents. I wouldn’t interfere in the falling out between siblings.

Basically I think the fact she isn’t seeing your parents is hurtful to them and in the long term to her. I don’t think your feelings on this are the point. To be honest if I was involved I wouldn’t be that bothered about you or her. But I would try to get her to see them for their benefit.

In your shoes I would tell my brother to encourage visiting and be clear that you won’t be involved or try to see her when she does it. You are not the centre of this situation.

I agree.

I think the language of 'deserted' is really interesting. You can really only desert someone who you are someone required to do something for. So you think your sister is required to care for your parents and you think this is a judgement which you are able to make on someone else's behalf. That's the problem. If you continue to take this stance, you are causing the problem. This core issue - that you don't respect your sister's decision - is causing all the following angst, emotional blackmail, intense reactions to your sister 'failing' to do what you have deemed to be the appropriate action. This will never improve until you come to respect your sister more. I'm sorry for what you've been through. It must have been an awful journey to both of your parents being in care, as it will have been for your sister - emotionally if not practically on her part. Don't let those intense emotions blind you from an ability to reflect and admit your part in the problem.

You've completely missed the point here. It's not about being transactional but the general attitude.

My parents are like you and do things because they want to. Not because they expect care. They have made provision, but I will still help and not just leave them to it because we are a close, loving family.

Btw it's a very privileged, Western view to say that 'parents should make their own provision. In many countries there's no social safety net. Parents literally don't eat, giving food to their children and do backbreaking manual labour to buy them schoolbooks. No matter how bad it gets in the U.K I highly doubt that people are living in shacks with no electricity, and no school. If you think that after all that sacrifice the children who have made it good are morally right to leave their parents to 'make their own provision' when they didn't even manage to have a proper meal while raising children then you're a very callous human being. I'm lucky that my parents made good, but many others did not.

My husband's family however are the opposite. They have made it clear that they've got not time or care for us. The examples I gave were about money but there are so many other things that have made their feelings very clear. Their chief concern for our wedding for example wasn't our happiness, but how it would look to their social circle.

And unlike you, they don't think it's the 'job of parents' to look after their children they washed their hands of H once he finished A-levels. His parents were self-employed and not only took great care in making sure their reported income was low enough for H to get the full maintenance loan... so they didn't need to pay a penny. They also took great pleasure in bragging about it to anybody who would listen.

Now tell me - are we obnoxious to want to have very little to do with people who have made it clear that they want to have very little to do with us? Except when it suits them?

We're not monsters. No matter how cold and uncaring DH's parents are if they were genuinely in need we're not going to let them rot. Although technically, it's the job of the state to take care of them and we pay a lot of tax. We'd still step in.
But, as you said, it's not the job of children to look after their parents. So as they're perfectly capable of looking after themselves that's what we expect.

They love moaning about how DH never comes to visit even now but why would he?

TBH you sound like a nightmare and I assume you had the expectation that the children should care for the parents when she did not. You mention she (as a teacher) cared for people. Perhaps it was her opinion that professionals should be caring for your parents and not unqualified children.

Just because her view is different to yours does not make her wrong nor does it make her selfish. Perhaps you were the selfish one in not getting the parents into residential care sooner where professionals would be able to care for them properly around the clock.

Pots and kettles spring to mind here, aren't you busy judging your sister?

In situations like this, people show their true selfish colours, and it must be extremely hard for you to understand and acknowledge her disgusting behaviour.

I think what you’re witnessing with your sister is her true self and she’s used what was basically a silly sibling argument as her get out of jail free card.

You have to accept that this is her. You also have to accept that she will have no qualms in taking her share of your parent’s estate.

Sadly what you are going through is a lot more common than you think.

Your sister is not a good person at heart.

I have also known three sisters that were all in the nursing profession, and two of them put all the responsibility and hard work onto the other sister.

So caring for other people like your sister did in her teaching position, is completely
meaningless in the sense of what she would do for her own parents.

Well my sister literally turned up to the death bed after a 10 year absence and zero contact with her dying mother. Some people are just arseholes.

You cannot force another person to care.

All you can do is focus on what you and your other siblings can realistically do.

If your parents are in residential care I assume all their care needs are met by staff and that you and your siblings visit them and support them emotionally?

So I am not quite sure what you would like your sister to do...if she does not have a close relationship with your parents then nothing you can say or do will not change that.

Eating yourself up with anger and resentment is not going to do you any good and won't achieve anything.

I've had experience of both these things, although not together, and what you've written here stands out.

Some people can't handle seeing people with dementia suffer and stay away. When my family member was going through it, very few old friends or family would visit. Told us they couldn't handle it. When you yourself have no option but to 'handle it' it is easy to feel they are being selfish and it is a cop out. I try and appreciate that people do have their reasons, but I do still judge them for it, years later. Charitable perhaps, but maybe your sister has this issue?

Also surprised to see so many 'shove them in a home they won't know any different' responses here. To the end, my family member always seemed to know us. Never asked who we were, always liked our company. It was one small mercy. A home would never have been the right place for her. She died at home.

I am in a similar position having to keep more of a look out for isolated family members because sibling has gone NC, so I really feel for you.

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@ OspreyLambo
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Btw it's a very privileged, Western view to say that 'parents should make their own provision. In many countries there's no social safety net. Parents literally don't eat, giving food to their children and do backbreaking manual labour to buy them schoolbooks. No matter how bad it gets in the U.K I highly doubt that people are living in shacks with no electricity, and no school. If you think that after all that sacrifice the children who have made it good are morally right to leave their parents to 'make their own provision' when they didn't even manage to have a proper meal while raising children then you're a very callous human being. I'm lucky that my parents made good, but many others did not.”

Comparing apples with oranges. I’m not callous, quite the opposite. Because I’m a privileged westerner. I may feel differently if I lived in the circumstances you describe but I don’t.

We refuse to be a burden on our children, that’s not why we had them. I know people - mostly women - who were broken by demanding elderly parents who simply hadn’t bothered to think ahead. Now, that’s callous.

AFieldGuideToTrees · Today 00:19

Birdy8 · Yesterday 23:58

@Spirallingdownwards And I can see why you are Spirallingdownwards - you judgemental arse!

“Pots and kettles spring to mind here, aren't you busy judging your sister?”

Quite.

My sister arrived started "helping" and then when we had an argument she disappeared without a word to us, her sisters and deserted our parents without saying she was never coming back

Firstly why put “helping”

So your sister did arrive to help.

But then you can’t let go of things and engineered an argument over eye rolling I suspect that you knew she would walk out.
I also suspect your sister knew what was going to happen and that was why she didn’t want to get involved

I think the fact that you are dismissive of both your single siblings lives and deem them to not have any responsibilities is incredibly arrogant and controlling.

I am also wondering why you single out your sister and not your single brother as well as it appears he didn’t even come to help on that day

I haven't read all the responses, but I had an aged parent with dementia and my father is almost 100.
Firstly, each of you will have a different relationship with your parents and you may not see it. That comes into play, my bother expected me to do a lot for my mum even though she was pretty awful to me my adult life but was amazing to him.
Next, I wouldn't assume someone has no responsibilities... your brother maybe single but that means he may have less emotional support and people expect more from him, perhaps the same as your sister? Maybe not..
Do what you can and want to do.