Sister refuses to help elderly parents with dementia

[Birdy8]

My parents were both diagnosed with dementia in 2019. They were living abroad and had to return as their conditions worsened. In the years proceeding this my eldest sister made it clear that she didn't not want them to return permanently but when they did temporarily for various treatments she would do some bits and pieces like making some food or having them over for a day whilst they stayed at my brother's home as he has space. However my mum suffered an injury and we met abroad last year to discuss treatment and the future - my eldest sister (retired, no responsibilities) and brother (single, no responsibilities) only came for 2 and 3 weeks respectively (neither would book to stay over Christmas) whilst my elder sister and I were there for extended periods. An argument happened between my sisters and I and my eldest sister left and has not seen our parents since before Christmas. The argument had nothing to with my parents so not their fault, she has used it as an excuse to cut them and their illnesses out of her life. She doesn't speak to us and has generally become a more difficult person over the years, even not supporting me and my children during DV years back and the reality is that I can't forgive it although I put it aside. My brother never says anything against her despite her selfishness and unreasonableness. My elder sister, brother and I have had the responsibility over the past year of arranging care, getting our parents back to UK and into residential even though I have a lot on my plate. Has anyone experienced anything similar with siblings?

This is completely correct. There is no obligation.

I generally agree. My grandad died with severe dementia and my mum has made it extremely clear on many occasions that under no circumstances are we to care for her if she gets dementia. Specifically we are to "put [her] in a home and walk away". My children will be told the same about me.

OP, you can't make her do anything so as hard as it is on you, you just have to take her out of the equation and do what you are able/willing.

So, reading between the lines, you picked a fight with your sister and called her immature and selfish because you didn’t like her facial expression during a family meeting and didn’t think she was doing enough. Maybe you should have had a one to one conversation over a coffee and listened to her views without an audience or trying to impose group pressure during a family meeting.

To add, there is a time and place for family meetings, but not everyone will want to say everything in front of their parents to spare their feelings.

@LadyLapsang you are so off point. I do not pick fights with anyone much less my sister. The argument was not about who is doing enough either. And no one was called immature and selfish. If you ask someone why they are making faces at others opinions that's a legitimate question. Read what I said properly before casting aspersions!

Also my parents were not there at the time!

Op really feel for you. Yes we all pitched in but you cant make her help. Unfort dads was 24 7 care so we had to get help in. Nobody can do it all and it can go on for years. It did cause alot tensions at the time.

No one has to do what they don't want to because there are no laws about it it's about your own conscience and morality but being nasty to parents and siblings, walking away without a goodbye because of a sibling argument is beyond the pale in my books but hey ho we are all different! Thanks for the opinions.

Mrs SkylerWhite I have never tried to guilt trip my sister, the argument was about her making faces during a family meeting and not saying what the issue was like adult. I care about my parents they raised me and loved me I believe that it's good to return that to them within my own abilities. I think most people who don't want to make a contribution to their parent in old age - unless they were treated badly by them - is a bit selfish, no one likes to witness selfishness when it affects them!

I think the epitome of selfishness is expecting your children to upend their lives to care for you in old age, @Birdy8 .That is absolutely not why people should have children.

How does your sister’s “selfishness” affect you? You have autonomy. Do what you choose to do. You have no right whatsoever to comment on her decision not to play a caring role.

My husband was expected to look after his almost 100 year old grandfather (parents are dead). Despite us living over two hours away and having children, one of which is very unwell. We made it clear that this man did nothing for my husband growing up and we don't have to do anything. I actually had not even visited him in over 8 years. That was my husbands brother and his wife choice to give up their life to care for this selfish man who refused to go into a home. He lived in a council house so it wasn't for financial reasons either.

Equally if my own mother needed to be cared for I would do nothing at all. She wouldn't even ask after my children when she lived on the same Street. We last spoke to her in January, she visits my sister (I'm nc) who is very rich and lives 7 hours away monthly. My own children also will absolutely not look after me. It is very selfish to expect it.

I don't want my children looking after me. I would find it degrading and embarrassing. I think a parent should look after a child and not the other way round. I also think it lonely for an older person to be stuck in a house instead of with the company of others. If I get old and sick and require a carer I will go to a residential home for proper care if possible. Why are your parents not in a residential home? If you choose to keep them at home (which is not often the best option for those needing care) then you cannot expect others to look after them. Your sister clearly would prefer not to look after them and to have them being 'looked after' instead. If there is no financial way to do this you should contact a social worker and ask for their help in getting this done. If you don't want to do this then you have to look after them yourself and cannot force others to help you keep them out of a home. You are being very kind to look after your parents but sometimes others can disagree with what to do for the best and that is their choice. It doesn't mean they are being selfish.

I have friends in your position and some of them have very strained relationships with siblings who do not feel as obligated as they do to care. The thing is that the resentment is written all over their face and the things they say are very passive aggressive. I am not saying this is the case here but it might be an idea to reflect on how you really have come across. I'm not sure what you mean by your sister pulling faces, but it is normal for shock or disagreement to show on someone's face, and that is not pulling a face.

Your parents chose to live abroad initially. I would also think they returned home as there was no provision for them (and they certainly made none for themselves) in the country where they were living at the time.

Dealing with your parents will have you on your knees. Carer burnout is a real thing and your sister is under no obligation to do any form of caring. You can choose to be their carer but ensure you are not doing that because you feel obligated to them or that you owe them in some ways for raising you.

They are now just recently in a residential home. I don't have a relationship with my sister and I don't intend to again. I was asking if people had had experiences similar to mine because I am trying to process what's happened. I actually loved my sister and saw her enjoy the adoration from staff, parents and children in her teaching career so it's disappointing for her not to care about her family like she did them.

I have seen lonely people in the residential's who staff never get visitors they look sad and desolate, so I wonder how many people who say they want their children to stick them in a home and forget them will actually feel that way when it happens.

I think challenging an adult about their facial expression could be construed as picking a fight!

I note the way you mentioned this sister has “no responsibilities” in your first post. It is often the case that other siblings expect the one that didn’t marry or have children to take the lions share of parent care, it might be why she has distanced herself. She is entitled to do that, you can do what you want too.

I have seen people I know on their knees with elderly parents and I agree that you have to take care of yourself as a carer and if a care home or carers are needed do it as we have! HOWEVER it doesn't mean some kindness towards them in their hour of need isn't the least you can do it they have provided you with a happy life. I'm glad to have done/do what I can, extra help would have been great but my sister did what she wanted and good luck to her. I'm healing.

I have a difficult relationship with one sister. Different triggers, but lots of tension. I really do think you need to stop judging your sister. You have a lot of expectations about how she should behave based on your judgement of her previous experiences and appropriate behaviour. You need to accept her as she is. Of course that doesn't mean she has a right to be rude to your or aggressive and she does not have the right to demand things of you either but saying that she should care more for your parents because of how she was with children and families in her career is really unhelpful. They are completely different contexts.

For me, I would hope that my children would want to visit me of course but that is very different from expecting or demanding it. If they choose not to, that's their right and may be a sign that something is wrong in our relationship. It is not, however, them doing anything wrong.

There’s often good reason birdy why those people are not visited often if at all. Distance, both physical and emotional, plays a part. Not all elderly people are nice and kind either and some of them remain actively abusive even in their old age. I do not expect my brother to go see my parents in the nursing home , how could he anyway when he now lives at the other end of the UK?.

Your sister likely had a very different relationship to the one you did with your parents and I feel you should properly listen as to why she does not want to do any form of caring.

@Aprilx I'm sure that if you were having a supposed civil conversation with another adult and they for example rolled their eyes or poked out their tongue you would ask them why! I've no regrets, I'm not a ballerina I can't tiptoe over my life away.

I actually loved my sister and saw her enjoy the adoration from staff, parents and children in her teaching career so it's disappointing for her not to care about her family like she did them. Maybe it's a nice thing she had that if she doesn't have close family relationships.

My siblings and I all have very different relationships with our parents. And it's not unusual in my friendship group to hear of one sibling thinking they had an amazing childhood and another recalling it quite differently.

If you love your sister and like spending time with her maybe you can allow her to have her own relationship (or not) with her parents and you have yours. That way you can still enjoy each other as siblings (if that was ever the case, it's not clear).

@AttilaTheMeerkat if only my sister would have said what her issues are it would have been great - we asked, I asked we wanted to listen. She found issues when it suited her and threw the rest of us under the bus. It's too late now, we will never know and I don't want to. I'm healing.

@Welcometothelionsden as a child and young adult our relationship was good, she had a normal relationship on the face of it with our parents but she has to be in control of everything and once you don't agree with her or do something that displeases her you're out that I suppose is why things gradually changed.

Choosing not to be a carer is in no way throwing your siblings under a bus.

My husbands siblings did nothing to help him support his elderly mother. Yet sang her praises at the funeral. I found that very hard as I ended up doing more than they did, and I did not find MIL an easy person to like.

But I had to accept that those were the choices we each made. It changed my opinion of DH’s siblings but it’s not good to let it eat you up.

You have said twice now that you are healing. I am not entirely sure what that means in this context, but it’s good that you feel you are healing.

Your eldest sister is phenomenally selfish but at least you are not alone and your two other siblings are pitching in.