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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

101 replies

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 19:47

Hi, I was hoping for some advice. So I’m a teacher who has had Ofsted in this week and have been getting up at 5am and going to bed at 11pm after a full evening of work. Today (Friday) I am absolutely exhausted and have caught the school cold. I got home and went for a nap feeling awful. My boyfriend gets home and starts making cutting comments about how there’s no food in the house as I usually go shopping after work on a Friday. In fairness, there’s not a lot at all but was hoping to go tomorrow morning after a good nights sleep.
He went to the gym and has been texting me things like ‘keep up the good work’ and ‘if I was feeling like you I still wouldn’t leave us without anything to eat or drink’. It’s worth mentioning that he doesn’t drive so can’t go himself. I have tried to explain to him how bad I am feeling but it’s not getting through.

Am I being irresponsible/unreasonable for going shopping tomorrow? That’s how he’s making it seem. Please reply if you can

OP posts:
happygertie · 22/09/2023 21:12

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:31

I promise you it’s not a fake thread, I’m just at my wits end with it really. I’m scared that if I broke up with him he’d smash things in my house and take my cats

Is it your house ? If so, plan the break up. Do it outside of the house, somewhere safe, with support. Or move the cats to a friends or relatives whilst you tell him. The minute he becomes aggressive or causes damage you ask him to leave, if he persists you tell him he has one more chance to leave before you call the police.

BCBird · 22/09/2023 21:22

Teacher here too. Glad u got through it. He is a pathetic excuse of a man

NoMor · 22/09/2023 21:25

Changingplace · 22/09/2023 21:03

I don’t think he paid if the credit card. I think OP had and he’s run it back up again. :(

Show quote history

Eek, misunderstood. Nothing to even out then, kick the fucker out ASAP!

Walkacrossthesand · 22/09/2023 21:28

Gosh. I came on to 😱 at ‘if I was feeling like you I still wouldn’t leave us without anything to eat or drink’ - when he's feeling perfectly well but has left you unwell without food or drink.
He's full of shit, living in your house & leeching off you. You do have options, you don't need to live like this anymore, you owe him nothing.
If you fear violence, there are good suggestions above. Imagine yourself free, and do what's needed to get there. Good luck!

YokoOnosBigHat · 22/09/2023 21:33

This is why teachers marry teachers.

Epidote · 23/09/2023 09:06

He can order a online shop and let you rest are you are tired and with cold.
That is what he can do. Other than that he is a twat.

I wouldn't be doing any shopping, nor yesterday, no over the weekend no till I feel better.

Maplestars · 23/09/2023 09:09

Should your adult bf be rude to you, because you haven’t bought his dinner?
no.

Workawayxx · 23/09/2023 09:15

he is awful, so sorry you’ve had such a horrible week and are feeling rough. It sounds like tonight’s issues (which would be wrong of him even as a stand alone problem) are just part of a pattern of his horrible abusive behaviour. I agree with other posters, speak to women’s aid and take your cats somewhere before you break up with him. Do you have anyone who can be there with you? A friend or family?

Changingplace · 23/09/2023 09:42

Hope you got a decent nights sleep OP and you’re feeling a bit better today.

Know it’s hard but please do take what people here have replied with to heart, this man is no good at all :(

Lavenderosa · 23/09/2023 09:47

Could you make plans to get him out that include keeping your cats safe? I was wondering if you could book them into cat kennels for a while, which might take one worry off your plate.

Maze76 · 23/09/2023 09:54

He doesn’t see or treat you as his girlfriend, it doesn’t sound like there’s any love here and certainly no evidence he respects you.
You know that you have had enough and it’s time to end this madness.
Good luck

Dery · 23/09/2023 09:57

This:

“Ring Women's Aid
Don't tell him your plans, get things in place first. Try and ensure you have friends, family around when he moves out. If he kicks off ring the police.Tell people what he's like, they will want to help, don't be ashamed of his behaviour, that's on him, not you.”

And this:

“Absolutely do this, and change the locks when he's gone. Take the cats somewhere safe to stay before you kick him out so he can't take them out of spite. You are frightened of him - this is no way to live - and the cats aren't safe if he threatens to take them away to get back at you.”

You’re in a seriously abusive relationship. You cannot have a relationship with someone you’re scared of. This man is incapable of being in a relationship because at some point he’s learnt that he’s the only person who matters and that women are there to serve him. You need support to leave him. Don’t tell him what you’re doing because he will harm you. What support do you have in real life to help you with this?

Prelapsarianhag · 23/09/2023 13:20

OP get out of bed and lock the doors, leave the key in the door on a half turn so he can't get in. Leave his stuff outside. Keep the cats indoors. If he kicks off call the police. You don't need this aggresive cocklodger in your life and he sure as hell knows it.

rainbowstardrops · 23/09/2023 13:37

It's your house, he's shit with money and he's moaning at you after having Ofsted in (I feel your pain!) and you feel rubbish.
Dump the loser

Timeout22 · 23/09/2023 14:57

Sounds awful, you poor lady. You need to be looked after and helped when sick, not given out to for not shopping. Maybe he's just in a bad mood, hopefully he apologises soon!

Whataretalkingabout · 24/09/2023 20:35

How are you doing today OP!? Did you get your bank card back?
Is he gone?

cansu · 24/09/2023 20:37

tell him to jog on. Why are you responsible for food? If you are sick then he needs to get a grip. If he can get to the gym he can manage to find a shop.

idrinkandiknowthings · 25/09/2023 13:25

Wow, what a catch. Not.

Tell him to go online for a Tesco zoom delivery. The giant twat.

Dolores87 · 25/09/2023 13:40

I mean he can just go. It's nonsense that he can't go if he can't drive. How does he think other people manage. Maybe he won't be able to do a big shop (he could and then get a taxi) but he can definitely get a couple of bags full to tied you have.

Not being unreasonable he sounds like a right baby.

drspouse · 25/09/2023 13:52

I don't know if I'm way off base here but would your school help? Maybe the DSL? They will have loads of experience with abusive relationships and yes, teachers can be in them too.
Maybe they can give you a day off when he's at work (he does work?) and then you can get the cats and the locks sorted.
Also the PPs are right about Women's Aid.
You can be rid of him soon, you know.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 25/09/2023 13:54

Lock him out. Leave his shit in bin bags on the curb. He is an entitled, manipulative waste of skin.

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2023 15:24

This has GOT to be a fake thread

All you have to do is change the locks. Pay someone if you can't do it

Pack all his stuff into black bin bags

Text him that it's over

And get a friend or friends husband over to help you to deal with the fall out, should there be any

If there is even a tiny bit of
trouble, call the Police

I'm not sure which of the above is difficult to understand?

LifeExperience · 25/09/2023 15:39

What's the point of him? Seriously, he doesn't respect you, or he wouldn't act like a horse's ass about dinner. Without respect, there is no love. You deserve better than this.

Bookworm20 · 25/09/2023 16:24

So if I've read this right.
You are not well and haven't done the shopping which you usually do?
Hmmm crime of the century!
His response to this is to make you feel worse, moan that you haven't done the shopping, moan that he now has nothing to eat, has threatened to take away your cats, has no money because he spends it on himself, doesn't drive, lives in your home and may or may not start smashing up the house?

What is the point of him?

You do realise that decent blokes would make sure their partner was firstly ok. tell them to rest and then calmly sort something for dinner, be it a takeaway, a walk to a corner shop or muddling something together that is in the house? Hell, they may even ask if you needed anything, you know, for you.

Is this the sort of person you want around when you are actually really very ill at some point in the future? Because there appears not to be an ounce of empathy in this person. Instead its all about him and what he needs and wants and what he is missing out on - because you are not well.
Shocking.

Once you are feeling better, I would strongly advise you think about what your life will be like with this man in 2, 5, 10 years. And then think what your life could look like with someone who actually gives a shit about you.

Olika · 25/09/2023 16:32

You need to get rid of this man. He isn't even providing for himself as you keep doing it and going minus again. If he kicks off then you call the police. Stop wasting your life away.