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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

101 replies

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 19:47

Hi, I was hoping for some advice. So I’m a teacher who has had Ofsted in this week and have been getting up at 5am and going to bed at 11pm after a full evening of work. Today (Friday) I am absolutely exhausted and have caught the school cold. I got home and went for a nap feeling awful. My boyfriend gets home and starts making cutting comments about how there’s no food in the house as I usually go shopping after work on a Friday. In fairness, there’s not a lot at all but was hoping to go tomorrow morning after a good nights sleep.
He went to the gym and has been texting me things like ‘keep up the good work’ and ‘if I was feeling like you I still wouldn’t leave us without anything to eat or drink’. It’s worth mentioning that he doesn’t drive so can’t go himself. I have tried to explain to him how bad I am feeling but it’s not getting through.

Am I being irresponsible/unreasonable for going shopping tomorrow? That’s how he’s making it seem. Please reply if you can

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 22/09/2023 20:39

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:31

I promise you it’s not a fake thread, I’m just at my wits end with it really. I’m scared that if I broke up with him he’d smash things in my house and take my cats

Could you arrange for your cats to go to a cattery secretly for a few days, time your break up and change the locks. Keep the cats in.

Original poster
Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:39

It’s my house, I own it.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 22/09/2023 20:40

Sorry just read it’s your house. If you decide to break up with him, make sure someone is at your house when you do it. Move the cats while you do it then change the locks. Any peep of him potentially being violent, ring the police.

Changingplace · 22/09/2023 20:43

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:18

Because he spends most of it as soon as he gets it on stupid things

So you have to buy the food while he squanders his wages?

OP he’s awful, absolutely awful! His behaviour is inexcusable.

I’d order yourself a takeaway for tea, and end this relationship, he’s using you on every level and you deserve better.

StarDolphins · 22/09/2023 20:43

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:28

I’ve been thinking about ending things for a while tbh but am scared to. He can be aggressive when he’s in a mood, he’s never hit me or anything but he slams about the house etc. One time he went to walk out and he said he was going to take my two cats with him. He did buy them for me a few years ago but they’re my cats really and I dote on them

If they’re registered at the vets in your name then they’re your cats.

category12 · 22/09/2023 20:43

If it's your house, you can potentially simply change the locks sometime while he's out, bag up his stuff and dump it at his parents or wherever or have him collect it.

You can argue over who gets to keep the cats afterwards.

Changingplace · 22/09/2023 20:44

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:39

It’s my house, I own it.

Even better, good for you, tell him to leave and change the locks, how dare he treat you so badly in your own home.

Original poster
Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:47

Yeah they’re in my name

OP posts:
WellDuh · 22/09/2023 20:47

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:39

It’s my house, I own it.

Change the locks while he is at the gym. Dump his stuff in black bags on the door step. Job done.

In the meantime, order a takeaway, for one. He can fuck off!

Yankeescot · 22/09/2023 20:47

Great news that it's your house alone! You deserve so much better than how you're being treated by him. I understand your fear, I've been in a similar type relationship a long time ago. You will be so much happier and freer when you get him gone. You deserve to be treated like the gem that you are. And please don't let him use your bank card again, you'll need that money to buy new locks after you kick him out

ACertainKindOfLight · 22/09/2023 20:47

Ring Women's Aid
Don't tell him your plans, get things in place first. Try and ensure you have friends, family around when he moves out. If he kicks off ring the police.Tell people what he's like, they will want to help, don't be ashamed of his behaviour, that's on him, not you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/09/2023 20:49

Denimdreams · 22/09/2023 20:08

Oh no his domestic appliance is malfunctioning 😱

DUMP!

This!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 22/09/2023 20:50

ACertainKindOfLight · 22/09/2023 20:47

Ring Women's Aid
Don't tell him your plans, get things in place first. Try and ensure you have friends, family around when he moves out. If he kicks off ring the police.Tell people what he's like, they will want to help, don't be ashamed of his behaviour, that's on him, not you.

This. ^^^

You need to be safe if he's likely to kick off. Family, burly mates for back up when you tell him to go.
Do not let him have your bank card again. Do not give him any cash.

Good luck.

Original poster
Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:53

I give it to him cos he just shouts at me otherwise. Had paid my credit card off at the start of the year but I’ve only got a few hundred on it left now

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 22/09/2023 20:55

Just in case this is real... 😱

You are a teacher, so I assume you are quite intelligent.

And yet you are with this cocklodging looser. Why???!!!!!!!

What is actually stopping you from asking him to pack his shit - and getting a locksmith in to change the locks?

If you are afraid of his reaction, can you rope in a couple of male friends/relatives for 'moral support'?

GentlemanJay · 22/09/2023 20:56

He should have been talking you out for tea to celebrate you getting through Ofstead.

NoMor · 22/09/2023 21:00

He paid off your debts now you're paying for things. Sounds like you're even. Pack up his things, leave them outside and deadbolt the doors. If he were a proper partner he'd do some shopping on the way back from the gym.

wildwestpioneer · 22/09/2023 21:00

Inform the police of the day you'll be asking him to leave, put your cats in a battery for a few days and get rid.

He's capable of getting a few bits in, could even have done an longline shop this week to be delivered this week, he should be celebrating with you or running you a bath and encouraging you to have an early night .

What muppet texts you about getting a food shop in whisky he's at the gym - does he not see how much of a double standard that is

Changingplace · 22/09/2023 21:03

NoMor · 22/09/2023 21:00

He paid off your debts now you're paying for things. Sounds like you're even. Pack up his things, leave them outside and deadbolt the doors. If he were a proper partner he'd do some shopping on the way back from the gym.

I don’t think he paid if the credit card. I think OP had and he’s run it back up again. :(

papasmurfdontpreach · 22/09/2023 21:04

He won't take your cats, he's got no money or even the nous to even go and buy his own food, there's no way he'd actually want the responsibility of buying food for other living things. It's probably all BS about the pets but I'd do as pp said - get them inside, or at a cattery, then change the locks with his stuff and him on the other side. It's your home. Your pets. Your money. Your career. He's shitty, shifty, lazy, financially and emotionally abusing you, and brings zero support to your life. Fuck him right off.

God I'm sorry, this makes me so angry on your behalf. My ex was a shit but even he'd never have spoken to me like that after ofsted (I've been through a fair few!) well done on getting through it, getting shot of this twat will be way easier and more satisfying than the inspection. Please do not waste any more of your precious energy, sanity and life on that manchild who treats you like this.

Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit · 22/09/2023 21:04

I'm a teacher. Well done on what you worked on this week. We all know about ofsted.
Take the good advice of the women on here who have been through this. He isn't being unreasonable, he just isn't a good man, you deserve better.
Imagine when your life if free of him and you can wake up on a Saturday just you and the cats, the whole day ahead, no rows no tension no meaness.

RandomMess · 22/09/2023 21:04

You could put the cats in a cattery or ask a friend to have them for a few weeks and ensure they are out the way when you tell him.

Those threats are to make you not break up with him despite how awful we treats you!

Original poster
Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 21:05

No I paid off my own debts and now I’m getting into debt again

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 22/09/2023 21:07

ACertainKindOfLight · 22/09/2023 20:47

Ring Women's Aid
Don't tell him your plans, get things in place first. Try and ensure you have friends, family around when he moves out. If he kicks off ring the police.Tell people what he's like, they will want to help, don't be ashamed of his behaviour, that's on him, not you.

Absolutely do this, and change the locks when he's gone. Take the cats somewhere safe to stay before you kick him out so he can't take them out of spite. You are frightened of him - this is no way to live - and the cats aren't safe if he threatens to take them away to get back at you.

Nam3chang384 · 22/09/2023 21:07

Xxmaddiexx · 22/09/2023 20:13

It does feel like his needs are more important than mine most of the time tbh

That almost certainly won’t change, it’s who he is. Leave the bastard.

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