September 2023 - well we took you to Stately Homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support

You both deserve the joy! Thanks for your response, I’ll get back to you in more detail later :) and as someone who started religiously listening to the Archers at 15, I am certainly not judging you for enjoying a stereotypically more “mature” hobby.

I do feel the same re obligation as in relation to material needs I can't say that wasnt covered. My parents come from poor families both of them but did well during the 1980s and 90s.

However my childhood was horrific with a crazy mother and enabler father. Never ever once anything kind was said. It was all about herself, if I achieved anything including my own uni graduation she made that about herself.
On my own graduation day she had an angry face on her and said "You need to thank me, it's all because I let you study and you are so lucky". My mother comes from a poor family but was actually lucky when she met my dad. He got a great job and she enjoyed plenty of luxuries and nice lifestyle (we are from the South of Europe). It never crossed her mind to use all that free time to educate herself. I think the lack of education is the root cause of what she is so incredibly unhappy.

She used the time to criticise, gosth, and mock.
It was all about herself and still is. And I hate her and that's what I need to work on with the therapy I need to do. Because life is too short to waste it in her.

Thank you all for keep posting. X

@girlswillbegirls I am sorry. But she shouldn’t have had to “let” you study. She should have been supporting you every step of the way. Congratulations for graduating - there’s a terrific headwind when you’re fighting this home and family shit and you deserve to be proud for making it.

At least your can to your graduation mine didn’t the only comment I got was “so have you proved yourself now” decided not to tell her about it so she couldn’t spoil my day this was after years of being regularly told my course was a load of rubbish and a waste of time

@girlswillbegirls ”It never crossed her mind to use all that free time to educate herself. I think the lack of education is the root cause of what she is so incredibly unhappy. She used the time to criticise, gosth, and mock.”
>> I could have written this about my mum! I always wondered why she didn’t at least learn to read and write as our local council offered them for free!!! She would show up at one every once in a while and then not bother again.

@MonkeyfromManchester well done to MM for his degree and masters! He is super lucky to have you supporting him :) My partner also supported me with my masters as my parents wanted to control me by not letting me move city to study! I applied to the masters courses I wanted to anyway and my partner got a new job in the same city so we could move together… then emotionally and financially supported me. I also got a part scholarship and student loan to pay the fees. He paid all the rent + groceries + listened to me sharing everything about my studies & uni life. Speaking from the receiving end of this support I can tell you that what you did for MM is a life changing experience!

@girlswillbegirls when I graduated and got my first job all within the same month my parents said nothing. A month later they found out I was dating a guy outside of my race to which they said “if this is what getting an education means then we shouldn’t have helped you get one”. I was living at home at the time and they gave me the silent treatment for a year. I had a nervous breakdown at the end of that year. The weird thing is that it never occurred to me to leave. I had a job and was in my early 20s but it was conditioned into me that I have to live at home. I regret not leaving and wish I knew better back then.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau my sister was taken on an expensive holiday to the states when she graduated. I was 8 at the time and left with my pervy narc older brother, his wife (one of the worst people I have ever come across) and their two kids. I wasn’t taken on my sister’s holiday because it was her special achievement and not mine. How could my parents treat two of their own kids graduating so differently?!! The graduation thing is horrible. I think I felt sad more than anything else on graduation day.

The obligation thing is a thing in my mind. I’m still grappling with it mentally but after sacrificing my entire childhood and early adult years, I thought it would stop. It never does because my role was and is to serve. Which has meant survival mode for me and wow, am I ready to thrive.

Did @AttilaTheMeerkat create this whole thread? It’s like therapy for me while I can’t quite afford therapy right now but it is high up on my priority list. Right after dental costs 😂

Love to all ❤️

@Shortbread49 my mother still says 10 years after I’ve had a career change to people “who knows what she does” if they ask what her kids do! To me she says “hopefully one day you’ll be successful in your career. I keep praying for you” - I just suck it up because I don’t want to get into a nonsensical argument but in my head I think “I kind of already am! I’m raising two kids, growing my business, paying the bills even through what feels like such an expensive time and am well respected in my area of work.” It would be pointless to tell her any of this.

Well done for enjoying your graduation - I wish I had done the same back then. X

Btw the latest episode of Dr Ramani’s podcast is about how to go NC. Some good tips in there.

I am trying to (probably not very successfully ) fade away towards NC - which is one of the strategies she suggests.

My mum gave up work as soon as she could I don’t think she has any concept of what it involves she refers to “career women” in a very sneering and derogatory way

@MonkeyfromManchester My ex husband was bullied into Oxford by his teacher mother. She was a good mother, but a total bully at the same time. I know that sounds weird, she did have his best interest at heart - he admits he was a lazy little git and wouldn't have done half as well as he did academically if she hadn't pushed him - but she took it too far. He wanted to study English, she wanted him to study Law, so History was chosen as a 'compromise'....40 years on he looks back in horror that he let his parents have any say whatsoever! He really didn't enjoy his time at Oxford, didn't work hard but still managed to come away with a 2:1...obviously his mother was disappointed it wasn't a First...

My parents didn't give a flying fuck about my education from when I was 6. Never attended parent/teacher evenings, and we were actively discouraged from having any hobbies, extra-curricular activities etc...I doubt my parents had any idea what subjects I did at O Level (yes I'm that old). My father refused to pay for me to go to Uni, his view that once you turned 18 you were an adult and paid for yourself. No student loans at that time, and any grants were based on your parents income, and he earned so much I was entitled to nothing. I didn't end up going to Uni until I was 25.

My parents were so uninvolved with us as children that my younger brother managed to leave school with no qualifications. He admitted to me years later than he barely attended for the last year...this was back in the mid/late 80s so that was far easier to do than nowadays.

@Shortbread49 My mother was the same. Was a SAHM until my father left her for another woman when I was 21. That was 34 years ago and she also speaks very badly of 'career' women...she's very misogynistic. I'm a massive disappointment to her because I've not had children - and neither have my two brothers.

Help.

Really sorry, I know I’m a proper essay writer, but I’m verging on panic now about tomorrow.

Have been told off for not wanting to come to collect my sister and her boyfriend from a train station. I’m anorexic and have long covid so it would be ridiculous to assume that’s something I’d want to do even if we actually got on. My mother then went on to say that of course my sister wants to see me and she’s willing to “move on” so I should be too. My sister initiated the estrangement and we haven’t spoken for five years apart from a fifteen-minute conversation two years ago and two utterly destructive missives from her - in one I was accused of stealing her innocence and ruining her life and in the other she reiterated that I was unforgivable (for having MH problems) and should move out and get a job in a supermarket. To be clear, I’m off sick from my job and think working in a supermarket is fine, although I’d faint in about five seconds flat - my boyfriend has to help me up often and my arms hurt carrying two pillows ffs - but apparently my family are unconvinced of either.

I am almost more terrified of my sister than my mother. My mother is more physically threatening but at least she shows some signs of vulnerability sometimes, even if it’s just narc injury. My sister is absolutely ruthless. If you’re put into a situation of emotional warfare and trapped into it it’s not a fair match between a vulnerable, autistic person who still somehow wants the other’s approval and someone who is ruthless and doesn’t give a shit - she described an ex as a “Ken doll” for apparently being boring and my ex as a “dung beetle”. My sister can fake positive emotion well enough to convince her and others around her that she means well and she’s warmhearted and well-disposed to me, especially if she’s speaking to my mother who seeks her approval (as an aside, and you are really getting your 20,000 words today, I’ve just started watching The Boys with DP. I’ve commented several times on how frightening I find one of the characters because his smile just slips off as soon as the camera is off and why I don’t know why I find that so utterly terrifying. I think I’ve just worked it out).

But anyway. I’m really sorry and this will probably be the first of several essays until Monday. I got off lightly last year because my mother decided to blank me (what absolute bliss) but this year between being expected to play happy families with me, whatever the boyfriend’s been told about me - probably that I’m an evil alcoholic ruining everyone’s lives by having a load of different life-limiting conditions and… mostly sleeping and looking after a cat - and the potential treatment of my DP if he even shows up, this is the busiest time of year for church staff.

Btw, there is absolutely no threat of her actually doing this but my mother threatened the cat with having her eyes poked out and put on sticks if she scratched the carpet - apologies if I’ve written this once or more before but it really shook me as she seems to think it’s acceptable to wish her father dead, issue verbal threats to the cat etc. I know she won’t actually carry out those threats and can’t articulate why it upsets me to hear that sort of thing, or insults to my friends and partners - those are just the things I’ve heard in the past three days, but she makes fun of my school friend for having G cups and being a Christian for example, but it really upsets me, and unnerves me that she’d voice that knowing only I could hear and understand it (it was in her usual saccharine tone for the benefit of the cat).

Wow, I really should try to get these published as short stories! I’m really sorry for the number of words you guys will have to read/skip over in the next couple of days. I’m on propanolol and my heart is still somehow managing to ache and beat too quickly with stress.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau You really are going through it and I know that your situation is highly complicated. Your family situation is so toxic. At the risk of sounding like an idiot, have you ever contacted Refuge?

Domestic abuse takes many forms and it seems so clear that you need a safe, supported living environment. Thank goodness you have Velvet, the little superhero in a fur coat.

Every time I read your posts I hope that you are able to reach out to a charity or agency that might be able to give you the break you deserve.

https://refuge.org.uk/

@tonewbeginnings death by a thousand paper cuts is exactly the right phrase! A lot of the stuff with my mother seems so small, but my reaction is the result of almost 40 years of being the recipient of her 'parenting' techniques.

Thank you for the advice @MonkeyfromManchester and @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I will probably see MTM (my terrible mother) at some point over Christmas, but it's always been Xmas day in the past. Not this year though, husband and I want PJ's, Christmas telly, an obscene amount of roast potatoes and to play with some Lego! And not boxing day either cos that's for my in-laws, who all seem to like each other, and me, and have a pleasant time.

I'm not so good at lying (it's the autism) but I could truthfully say husband has to work late on Xmas eve so we just want a restful day.

Cecile - you are such a careful and thoughtful person, I'm sure nobody would be offended by what you say (nobody rational anyway) I've not thought of anger like that before, but it helps, thank you.

Monkey, I NEED you to come out with a line of Christmas cards and a visit to that playbarn immediately! I will definitely get my art journal out , that's an excellent idea. In terms of siblings I only have my horrible brother, another victim of MTMs parenting but not someone I feel safe around. That's the problem really, I don't feel safe round any of my family. I only make the occasional appearance at family gatherings to see my 5 niblings, who I love very much but are all under 10.

@girlswillbegirls that sounds very much like the age old narc classic of being jealous of your children and destroying their success. For any of you gals who've pushed through this shit and done something that the narcs have tried to destroy or belittle, it's an incredible achievement.

@Shortbread49 ouch. And good on you for taking away the oxygen of a graduation.

@FreeRider awful, awful, awful. There's a huge streak of women hating in a lot of maternal abuse. Is it projection?

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau i hope you're coping. Your sister and mother need to be put on a rock somewhere and left there. Truly dreadful. It sounds like your sister doesn't come home for Xmas Day. Why’s that?

@GreggsVeganSausageRoll lego and PJs #perfection it’s great that you're in your niblings’ lives. Children need insight into what's actually decent behaviour.

Deep breath, ladies, A Haggram is incoming…

Yesterday was strangely enjoyable for the most part. Went to an Xmas fare with brass band at our local park and its community cafe as I've decided MM needs something joyful each day to counteract the joy sucking wannabe leech in his life.

Hag is still incarcerated.

MM and I go to her flat. More exploration of the disgusting flat and the secrets it holds. Every gift ever given are in their rightful places in her spare room. Sadly, I can't find the massive stash of lovely perfumes from my SIL but I will do.

MM has chucked the wouldn't ‘dry my dog on them’ towels and found three towel bales (our local homelessness charity is going to really benefit when this is all over) and got out some clean towels. Cupboards full of out of date food. Fills a kitchen bin. Folded damp clothes which she’d ‘washed’ which she intended to wear. They’re damp now - two weeks later from when she went into hospital - so they must have been wet. They are stained to fuck so I bin them.

There are a flurry of calls. MM ignores them.

We go home, I start to cook dinner, call after call after call which MM doesn't answer. When he's got a glass of wine, he rings her.

“Why haven't you answered the phone?”
“Because I've been busy”
“Yes, that's right. Too busy for your own mother.”
He told her about our latest discoveries at The Lair.
Totally denial then the absolute gem.
“So, you're accusing me of being A DIRTY OLD BITCH.”
(sharp intake of breath from me)
In days past this would have really upset MM. He coolly says:
“I never use the word ‘bitch’”
She misses what he is actually saying there. 🤣

Then we move on to the routine of Monday and The Homecoming Ceremony of The Hag where hospital transport are taking her home, NOT HER OWN SONS. MM sticks to his guns, no, he's not coming, no, he's not coming and no, he's not coming.

She cannot believe that she's receiving a flat refusal and all tactics aren't working. She delivers the gem.
“You’re not supporting me.”
“Yes, I am, but if you prefer to think that I'm not then that's OK.”

There’s a couple of calls going over the same ground. She's not getting the solution she's wanting e.g. Complete control so she’s slamming the phone down. MM switches the phone off and we watch TV.

I’m going with him this afternoon to the hospital to sit as silent support whilst she rages. This is as support to him. I also want to remind her that I'm the other person who's not frightened of her now.

Xmas plans aren't changing. They don't involve her.

Now decided that the New Year’s Day lunch with her which is the only thing remotely festive she was ever going to get will NOT be held at the Elf House Chez Monkey, it's going to be at a Turkish restaurant close by.

This means we can determine when she leaves e.g., when we pay the bill. She will have no opportunity to fill our house with spite or ‘fall down the stairs’.

I predict she will be playing games with this meal e.g. acceptance and then rejection, but MM is now the past master of “that’s your choice” and there will be a point when he simply says “ok, you don't want to come.”

My brother and his boyfriend are going to Mummy Monkey’s for 2nd Jan for Monkey Brother’s 50th birthday and I'd far rather be at my mum’s getting some serious drinking practice in on New Year’s Day for Monkey Brother and BIL party carnage.

BIL and I will compare Narc Mother stories as his mother is pretty off the scale. But as my darling BIL says in Sarf London: “No, darling, the Hag gets the fucking trophy.”

So, I suppose that's one thing to brighten her day.

@MonkeyfromManchester I do hope you will take the opportunity to issue The Hag with a withering death stare when you see her later. I would be sorely tempted to tell her that she's never setting foot in your house again and that she's an evil old witch, but hey, why waste your breath.

Here's a thought... apparently sugar-free gummy bears (and indeed the diabetic-friendly Thorntons sugar-free chocolates) give you the shits something terrible. Might be a nice gift to take along and watch her enjoy.

@Sicario very ingenious idea but with the Hag in the state she is, someone else is going to end up cleaning up after her so it’s going to be a much worse punishment for them! I’ve had unpleasant GI issues (and yes, xylitol and sucralose exacerbate them) in hospital and had to use a commode, and it’s humiliating for me but I always cringe inside when the nurses have to deal with the results. Btw I hasten to add that I don’t eat sugar-free products before I go to hospital - I’m not in a position to buy them.

@Sicario hopping in the Uber to Thornton’s now. 🤣

Oh yes, my mask is going to be zipped into place. I’ve perfected the cold blank look.

On the only visit to the hospital I've made we had the sly covert little glances to see if I was affected by the story of woe.

“I don't think I want to go home. It doesn't feel like my home now.”

She's VERY careful to avoid saying she can’t cope.

The beseeching eyes didn't make the offer of Hotel Monkey happen either.

Be interesting to see what we’ll get today.

I thought I'd share an image of how The Hag chooses to live her life. Her armchair. No, she doesn't have cats.

She has money. We could buy her new furniture. She refuses.

This shit has to stop now.

Wait what?! How did that even happen! Utterly ridiculous. My grandmother has had eighteen cats in succession and her furniture is quite old but even after the one which dragged itself along the bottom edge of the sofa with its claws on a daily basis her home didn’t look like that.

That chair is awful she could be comfortable and have one of those nice arm chairs with buttons that raise your seat and legs up, I tried to get my mother in law to get one but she wouldn’t spend her money died with 12k in the bank to but at least she had a nice clean sofa that didn’t look like that chair

Hi all. I’ve been reading along but nothing really constructive to add so I’ll just send you all my best wishes especially @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau and @MonkeyfromManchester with your sister and hag. I hear you on the phone calls monkey. My mum is just as bad and my heart skips a beat every time my phone rings in case it is her. I’ve just looked back on my phone log as I had a bad day of them a couple of months ago. 34 calls in one day, obviously didn’t answer them all.

just another thing I’m questioning. I saw someone mention smacking and it’s brought something else up for me. I know back 40 odd years ago smacking was considered normal so it’s not so much that that’s bothering me but the reason for being smacked. Just as an example I wanted mum to play a game and she never would, I’d get upset that she never played so she would shout at me for being upset. I’d then get more upset and she’d then smack me for crying and being a “demanding child”. Then being told not to tell anyone about my outbursts as we wouldn’t want everyone thinking I had “mental problems”. That’s the terms she would use so sorry if it’s offensive to anyone. I’m still questioning if that’s a normal way for a mother to treat her child when it should be obvious but for me it was normal.

sorry just had to get that out in the open.

@BlastAroundTheOutside thank you. Xxx to you. THIRTY FOUR CALLS WTAF. I can see the furious finger punching the numbers. It's bullying by phone.

Your story about smacking is horrible. The smacks are bad enough but the projection on to you to make you feel even worse and responsible is awful. And very deliberate. It's coercion. Awful. I'm so sorry you experienced that. Huge hugs to you. No one judges here. XXXX

Another who doesn't have much to add but has been following along. I did punch the air reading Mr Monkey's latest exchange with his mother, it must be so hard for him. Hope the visit later goes smoothly. Thinking of Cecile too.

BlastAroundTheOutside nope, not a normal, or even okay, way for a mother to behave.

The education chat earlier felt very familiar to me. My mother didn't come from a family who valued education, though she did well in her career and studied at higher levels. She was so jealous of anything I achieved, could never bring herself to congratulate me, not that I'm anything special. Then the Golden Child got into Oxbridge and it really didn't matter what I did.

I've started EMDR therapy and it seems to be helping.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau & @Shortbread49 i know! And Shortbread I hear you about not spending money…you know…to make your life BETTER.

One of our cats (RIP) was the perpetrator of much sofa scratching. It didn't look like that. We bought the loveable terror a post. He did use it. Sometimes.

Now I have that revolting photograph (the sofa is similar but not as bad) I actually think she's doing it herself.

Cats like something firmer to scratch at as it stretches their back and is far more satisfying in kitty minds. She hasn't had a cat in over 15 years. Those arms are too squishy.

I don't think she'd be cutting her furniture (TBH she could be) but she's definitely pulling at any holes that are there.

And she's FULLY aware that her flat is disgusting.

MM has just said that he's running out of tolerance and that he has VERY little left. He's lived with me for over 15 years and I require a lot of tolerance (!)

I think her “You’re accusing me of being a dirty old bitch” - he wasn't, I've never even heard him use the word, I'm much more sweary! - remarks last night have pushed a real button with him.

She hasn't called at all today as she’ll be regrouping. I think there's no going back from last night’s gem. He is very angry, but not turning it on himself as he will have done before. God, therapy is GOOD.

It's not over til it's over, but she is on very thin ice now.

I'm keeping that revolting photo on my phone - boke - as a reminder that we are not dealing with anything even approaching normal.

@Frontroomroomjungle thank you. He's doing brilliantly.

Golden Boy achievements are always immeaurasbly better, aren't they? Without fail.

Good luck with the EMDR therapy. Really glad it's helping you. Xxx