I can't get past the idea that my partner doesn't find me attractive.

[CantEvenThinkOfAUsername]

I've felt this way for a few months now.

I know he loves me. I believe that. But I don't think he finds me attractive or is physically/sexually atracted to me.

It's not an unusual experience for me. It's happened before. Several times tbh that I've dated someone who didn't find me physically attractive but was drawn to me for other reasons.

He used to tell me I looked nice if we went out but he's said nothing now for several months. I'm not very confident and, when he looks at me and says nothing other than, are you ready? Shall we go now? It makes me feel that he's embarrassed to be seen with me (I've had that a few times in the past too).

I told him outright the other day that that was how I felt. He told me that, when we first met (a few years before we got together), he'd complimented me and I'd smiled and said "Thank you for complimenting me on something I have no control over."

I don't remember that but, tbh, I can imagine it being the sort of thing I would have said.

But he did tell me if he thought I looked nice until a few months ago.

When I told him, he tried to backpedal and i thinknwas about to offer compliments but I stopped him. I wasn't fishing for compliments, I was telling him how I feel.

We do have sex. Probably once every couple of weeks but it now feels like we do because he is horny and not because he's attracted to me and I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy me just because they feel horny. whereas, until a few months ago, i felt like he fancied me.

Your post is quite confusing. You are going to have to ask your partner if they still find you attractive and you are going to have to decide if you are going to choose to trust their response to you. It sounds as though you have already made up your mind about what they think or feel without even asking them. Your partner explained how you don’t accept compliments gracefully so it is awkward to give them to you. Do you accept compliments from your partner? Do you give them back?

It’s not easy to tell if this is a shift in his feelings towards you or that you are in a doom mindset from past experiences and have convinced yourself it’s all terrible when it isn’t. Talk to your partner properly without making statements about how you think they feel

What are you going to do, how are you going to feel if you don't like his response?

Be careful of asking questions you don't really know the answer to.

Do you tell him that he looks nice every time you go out? Does his belief in the relationship hang on whether you tell him or not? You sound like hard work if you've implied before that it's insulting for him to compliment you on you looks but are now super aware that he's not complimenting you on your looks. Are you sure you're not projecting based on what's happened before and what you feel about yourself?
If you know he loves you and don't want that love to be based just on your looks then I'm not sure what your problem is.
If you feel like something has changed though maybe you've both got into a bit of a rut and you need to both put a bit more effort in, maybe you could try coming at it from that angle?

He told me that, when we first met (a few years before we got together), he'd complimented me and I'd smiled and said "Thank you for complimenting me on something I have no control over. I don't remember that but, tbh, I can imagine it being the sort of thing I would have said

When I told him, he tried to backpedal and i thinknwas about to offer compliments but I stopped him

This sounds like a you problem to me. You condition the men in your life never to compliment you, then get all pissy when they never compliment you.

you're already decided he is not attracted to you and you shot him down in the past when he was complimenting you

you have created your own problem and been rather unkind to him in the process

I do want fo know the answer. I don't think hebwpuld be honest because he loves me and doesn't want us to not be together.

I did accept compliments graciously. I asked him to stop the other day because compliments should be honest, organic and in the moment. I wasn't telling him.because I wanted him to compliment me there and then. I wanted a proper conversation about whether his feelings had changed.

I gave him a couple of concrete reasons why I think it and he ignored those.

It's hard to explain maybe. I'm not confident but I don't think he is repulsed by me. I think he probably thinks that, objectively, I'm quite attractive but I don't think he fancies me.

Yes, I compliment him. I always tell him he looks nice, I like his hair, I fancy him, he looks gorgeous or whatever.

I don't condition men into anything.

The man I went out with before him was openly critical of my appearance so I ended it. There have been a couple of other occasions when they've 'gone off' me but thats normal. Other than that, I've never questioned whether someone was attracted to me, I've just assumed they were.

This is the first time I've ever experienced being with someone I knew loved me but didn't feel they were attracted to me.

you think he is not attracted, so far you have not given a single piece of evidence that this is the case...but you did admit that you say things that may make people very unlikely to compliment you

it's tiring and it will be self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because he won't find you physically attractive, but because he will eventually get tired of your self consciousness and how it affects what you think of him and your relationship

Oh, so what? You don’t exist to be a sex object for men. Put your emotional energy into your career, and friendships, and family, and being a useful member of society instead of wasting it on this daftness.

I reckon this is all in your head OP.

You've made it clear to him that he'll get a shitty response if he compliments you, so he's stopped complimenting you.

What are your own thoughts on your attractiveness, because I bet that's got far more bearing on how your feeling than your guesses about him.

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername if we can’t really work out what you want then your partner will also be struggling. You sound like you have trauma from the past which is affecting your current relationship. You can’t start accusing your partner of things they have not said or done based on an exes behaviour that’s unfair. You don’t accept compliments gracefully as you have given 2 examples now of when you have pushed back on the compliment accusing it of being not genuine enough or suitable for you. Your partner can’t get this right if it’s about how you feel inside about yourself and it will become tiring.

You can’t start a convo with ‘I know your feelings have changed’ this is accusatory and I wouldn’t know what to say to this, you need to start a convo saying you feel self conscious and are having some unhelpful thoughts and you want to work through them. You can ask your partner if there has been a shift in feelings but you can’t then say you don’t believe them and they just want to be with you for love only, it’s going to split you up if you convince yourself they are lying to you?

Having perhaps been in a similar position as your BF for over a decade with someone who refused to believe I found them attractive and couldn't take compliments without there being some angle or lie, it's extremely draining and eventually you give up.

Even then it wasn't that I didn't find her attractive, I did and always had but the constant second guessing and refusal to believe I was telling the truth always became something more and wasn't worth it.

If he didn't find you attractive, he wouldn't have seen you in the first place and wouldn't be there now.

You won’t get the reassurance you want from him because this is your self confidence issue.

You’re judging your appearance on how sexually attractive your partner finds you. It’s flawed thinking.

In a longer relationship you don’t always find each other sexually attractive. Sometimes I find my husband attractive , sometimes he’s annoying and I don’t want him near me.

Stop looking for validation from men x

I will reframe this slightly
Reassurance is a big black hole that will suck you into it slowly and painfully as giver and receiver

we all need reassurance sometimes, and sometimes it is healthy and/or helpful for example asking a doctor who is an expert for reassurance about your medical condition, or a car mechanic about your car.

but If you do not trust the responses as you don’t feel comfortable or trusting of them, you will keep asking different doctors and mechanics to alleviate the anxiety. In a very small amount of cases someone might not be telling the truth or giving honesty to you and that may make them a coward or a bad person but most people are good people and try to be honest to the best of their ability.

However once you decide someone is a coward or a bad person and you can’t trust their responses, no amount of reassurance will help you feel better. You keep asking and then keep deciding they are lying to you. You will be accusing your partner of being a liar and he may eventually give up trying and leave you

You are assuming he doesn't find you attractive because he doesn't give you regular compliments??

This is quite skewed thinking.

This is more about you (bad ex?) than him imo.

Best comment so far.

OP So what if a person is actually ugly? Then they will attract by their sense of humour, kindness and pleasant companionship. The beauty of inside rather than outside. The person who loves them is in it for the long haul. If you ONLY have good looks to offer you are not much of a long term prospect.

Perhaps you are very young?

Self confidence is by far the most attractive quality in people- someone who is comfortable in their own skin and loves their body/ is confident in their body is always attractive.

Its actually very unattractive if a person refuses to accept their self worth. It’s unfair to expect your partner to hold up your self esteem with his comments and actions.
You’re seeking reassurance but it’s over ridden by your inner critic.

Can you try to silence your inner critic and work on your own confidence?

Its ok to share your insecurities with your partner but don’t rely on him to solve them!

This is tiresome.

You're setting himself up to fail in multiple ways. You've already decided he wouldn't be honest with you and you're looking at everything from that perspective. You're policing what kind of compliments he can give you and in what way.

The thing with insecurity is that it can't be fixed by someone else. So nothing - absolutely nothing - he does or doesn't do will be the answer. If he compliments you less, it's because he doesn't fancy you. If he compliments you more, he's lying his face off and just saying what you want to hear.

I understand how debilitating insecurity is but it's a you problem. Both in the sense that it's unfair for you to lay it on your partner like this, but more importantly in the sense that only you can fix it. It has to come from within.

I wasn't a conventionally attractive teenager. When my friends complimented me (I certainly didn't have a boyfriend to do so) I assumed they were lying because I thought I was ugly.

At some point my inner thinking shifted and it wasn't because of anything people said to me. You have to look in the mirror, stare into it, and realise what your strengths are. Once you start to do that, again, your sense of beauty comes from within.

You also have to realise how subjective "attractive" is. Individual taste is wild. Your looks will be to some people's taste - like your boyfriend's - and not to others', and that's OK.

For the record, giving compliments isn't really a measure of how attracted someone is to you. Neither DP or I are particularly given to complimenting each other but we're in no doubt how attracted we are to each other. And compliments do naturally get less frequent over time, which is also OK.

Attractiveness is so strange as humans, and how we interpret it. It’s not ‘on’ all the time is it.

I do not sit around all day lusting over my DP but it will be a look he gives me, or a particular T-shirt or action he does that I get a surge of attraction to him. Sometimes I will tell him about it and sometimes I won’t.

He says about me it’s something I do with my eyes and how I look at him, or when I laugh, but he doesn’t always express it to me either. I just KNOW there are these moments and so does he.

I didn’t even realise until he told me how nice I can make him feel sometimes with tiny things, like putting my hand on his back or stroking his beard in an absent minded way of affection. I also like it when he puts his hand on my back without saying anything. It’s just nice.

Take a look at your partner, is he doing tiny things for you? That you take for granted or don’t notice? Or do you need big verbal or physical displays to feel good? Is he never giving you any affection? Does he buy you little thing you like? Make you food he knows you like? These are all ways of expressing love and affection and as everyone is different, it might just be that he expresses it differently to your expectations or what he should be doing

OK. Well it feels like I haven't made myself very clear.

I don't doubt that he loves me. I think that he no longer finds me attractive but has decided to stay with me because he loves me.

You are probably overthinking this. Verbal compliments, while nice, are not actually proof of attraction. It's more about the eye contact, a knowing glance at each other says far more, or a touch on the arm, hugs etc. So, do you still catch each others eye from time to time? Do you affectionately touch? If you did, but you don't now, it could be fizzling out, but, check its not you who is pulling back just because he's not given the verbal comments you crave.

yes, we all got that. We're just pointing out that it is more then likely this is all in your head, but the very real potential outcome will be that you will make him stop loving you

Try to explain in a tangible way exactly what it is that makes you feel this way. What has he stopped doing or is doing differently?

Its best to move away from compliments as an example as it’s clear this leads to miscommunication between you and it’s possible hes stopped as it’s not well received by you.

What are basing this assumption on?

Do you think you’re an attractive person?

OP - I think you really need to see someone and talk through your issues. Your low confidence is affecting your relationships, and eventually you'll push this guy away. Then you'll meet someone else and go through the same cycle. On and on. And each time - you'll reinforce your internal conviction that you are not attractive.

It is very draining to be with someone who is convinced they aren't attractive and need constant reassurances. Its tiring to always need to be on guard and always remember compliment someone - or else they'll doubt your feelings. This neediness makes your partner to compliment you out of fear of you getting upset, rather than because they felt like it.

I think you are not realising that as people's relationships develop - it can change. And compliments getting fewer isn't a sign of him not being attractive.

Your comment about sex also shows that you don't really understand human sexuality. People have sex when they are horny. That's prerequisite.
If your bf didn't feel attracted to you - he won't be having sex with you. Male's anatomy and sexual function is simple. They need to be attracted to the female for the system to function.

So - you need to stop doubting your bf. He loves you and clearly is attracted to you. But you really need to figure out a way to not sabotage your relationships, and to get out of this place that makes you miserable.
And - find an internal source of self confidence. You can't put it on your partners to prop you up - not continuously.