I can't get past the idea that my partner doesn't find me attractive.

[CantEvenThinkOfAUsername]

I've felt this way for a few months now.

I know he loves me. I believe that. But I don't think he finds me attractive or is physically/sexually atracted to me.

It's not an unusual experience for me. It's happened before. Several times tbh that I've dated someone who didn't find me physically attractive but was drawn to me for other reasons.

He used to tell me I looked nice if we went out but he's said nothing now for several months. I'm not very confident and, when he looks at me and says nothing other than, are you ready? Shall we go now? It makes me feel that he's embarrassed to be seen with me (I've had that a few times in the past too).

I told him outright the other day that that was how I felt. He told me that, when we first met (a few years before we got together), he'd complimented me and I'd smiled and said "Thank you for complimenting me on something I have no control over."

I don't remember that but, tbh, I can imagine it being the sort of thing I would have said.

But he did tell me if he thought I looked nice until a few months ago.

When I told him, he tried to backpedal and i thinknwas about to offer compliments but I stopped him. I wasn't fishing for compliments, I was telling him how I feel.

We do have sex. Probably once every couple of weeks but it now feels like we do because he is horny and not because he's attracted to me and I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy me just because they feel horny. whereas, until a few months ago, i felt like he fancied me.

i think the most obvious reason for his dry patch is the ED, not you - and there are so many reasons why someone may have this problem... it's a bit selfish of you to just assume it has anything to do with you, while for a man to have ED is often absolutely soul-crushing and it can severely affect his confidence.

ED could be all manner of things and I don't struggle with it in general but at times I have and that's usually when there is something on my mind that's bothering me. It's like a mental block.

I think you're making lots of assumptions as you try and make sense of some behavioural changes. I'm wondering if the two of you would go for a few sessions of emotionally focused couples therapy? It seems you both love each other and I'm not convinced he isn't attracted to you any more, I just think there is lack of communication (I know you tried) and misconstruing.

It sounds like you've made him feel that complimenting you is wrong and he's respecting what he thinks are your wishes. Your partner isn't a psychic, it sounds like you need to talk to him about how you feel, communication is key. What is important is that he loves you and I think you would be making a terrible mistake to end a loving relationship because of what you think he feels without even asking him. Get off mumsnet or any other forum/social media and have a talk with him.

I agree. If therapy isn’t an option for you then try the old fashioned British way of opening up- after a couple of bottles of wine

It can be very uncomfortable to talk about sex/ feelings- you can feel very vulnerable.

I hope you are both able to get honest.

Don’t forget to let him talk (once he’s started!) even if you doubt what he says or think he’s making excuses try to let the conversation evolve.x

It's just spiraling now and I don't really know where to go because I know he won't talk to me.

I don't know if he won't talk to me because he finds it difficult or because he doesn't want to admit what I think is true or because he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and doesn't know what to say.

Last night, I got ready for bed in a different room. We never do that, I just didn't feel comfortable getting changed in front of him probably because I'd been thinking about this. He was clearly upset by it because I then said something about us needing to look at the bedroom door at the weekend because the hinge has come loose. He said "oh I'm allowed to look at that then!" in a lighthearted way and i just laughed and said "yes". But i realise now that that was probably the wrong thing to say. He didn't hold me in bed as he normally would. Didn't kiss me or say goodnight. Probably because he thought I didn't want him to. So I can see I'm pushing him away. I pretended to be asleep when he left for work this morning because I couldn't face the awkwardness.

We do love each other but it's just escalating now. He is doing lots of things to show me he loves me but that's not what I need to know. I know he loves me.

The whole thing has been triggered by his changes in behaviour and a couple of throwaway comments he's made but my past has definitely affected how I've responded to it. But then they've still happened.

I just want to talk to him about it but it feels pointless if he's going to deny it or fob me off with nonsense excuses.

We're (supposed to be) going to a gig with some friends tonight and I'm worrying about what to wear. Normally, I'd make a bit of an effort and put some make up on but I feel ridiculous doing that now. I'd just feel self conscious and small. I want to wear leggings, my docs and a band t shirt but I also know other people (Inc him) will make a bit of an effort so then I feel like him being embarrassed to he seen with me will just be a self fulfilling prophecy. But I can't face another evening of putting on something that I think looks nice and putting make up on that I think looks nice only to be met with silence because that just makes me think I've got it wrong and I look like an embarrassing mess.

I know he's hurting too and is probably confused but I don't know how to put it right if he won't talk to me properly.

It sounds like you've made him feel that complimenting you is wrong and he's respecting what he thinks are your wishes

I can see that but he did compliment me until a few months ago when he just stopped. I don't know if I said something without realising that made him decide that. Or whether he just doesn't think those things about me anymore.

I don't think he just had an epiphany a few months ago about a comment I made 5 or 6 years ago.

When we weren't even together and we'd not long known each other.

People have a smorgasbord of ‘needs’ (what would have been called ‘wants’j these days.

They expect attraction, acrobatic sex, a ‘connection’, intellectual companionship, sometimes being provided for, great at housework….I could go on.

You will only very rarely find all of these in one person.

At this point, you can either compromise or go it alone. If your partner genuinely loves you, that is far deeper than an ephemeral attraction. TBH you sound like you don’t find yourself attractive and, thus, can’t believe that anyone else would. If you worked on your self esteem a bit, you would probably accept that he found you attractive or you would cease caring.

I don't think you know the first idea what you want but you are blaming everyone else for this

You will never be happy thinking like this

TBH you sound like you don’t find yourself attractive and, thus, can’t believe that anyone else would

That is also true. To a degree. There are times when I think I look nice but it's very fleeting and when he doesn't appear to agree, I just feel stupid. I don't care what anyone else thinks of me but I do care what he thinks.

And it doesn't matter what I think of myself in the context of a relationship. I don't want to he with someone who doesn't find me attractive but the rest of it makes up for that.

I'm at the point where, if he ended it because of this, I'd feel relieved. Unbelievably sad but also relieved.

It's just painful all the time at the moment

I know some of us have said this to you already but you are making this so much worse and prominent by making huge decisions for him and completely changing the dynamic of your relationship - silently moving into the friendzone, now completely over thinking what to wear to a gig. Why would your partner ever influence what you wear to a gig? You wear what you want? You have become so hung up on needing your partners reassurance and watching his every move, actively looking for signs that you are now having a completely different relationship to him. It is like you are having a relationship with another version of him that isn’t real. You have to talk to him or you have to accept you are probably going to kill this RS and therefore manage to fulfil your own prophecy

you are now having a completely different relationship to him. It is like you are having a relationship with another version of him

I have felt like that at times.

I don't know how to put it right though. I've tried self talk and ignoring it but then i feel like I'm just gaslighting myself.

I think I'd actually find it easier or even be ok with it if he said he wasn't particularly physically attracted to me but the rest of it was good. But it's the fact he won't say anything or just plays with smoke and mirrors to avoid saying it that is the most upsetting. If I felt he was being honest with me, at least he'd be letting me know where instand.

I suppose at the moment the rest of it isn't good though because I'm withdrawing from him because I feel I don't know.

When I spoke to him the other day, he didn't tell me he did find me attractive. He just denied the change in his interest in sex and then blamed the other stuff on something I said 5 or 6 years ago.

He is just deflecting.

Look it seems the change in his sex drive started when he began suffering with ED.

It might be the case that this is still an issue for him so he has to “build up” to sex or prepare himself because he has some performance anxiety.

He will find it difficult to have sex spontaneously (eg if you initiated or put any pressure on) if this is his issue.
That leads to him avoiding flirting, touching or complimenting you day to day because hes panicking that it might lead to sex and he’s worried he can’t get it up (so to speak!)

Youve taken his reluctance to have sex as a personal insult. It’s a common reaction to feel unattractive or rejected if your dp doesn’t seem to want sex.

Perhaps try reconnecting - being intimate without sex for a while. Or read up on how to deal with sexual dysfunction in a relationship?

I could be way off the mark but this is worth considering.

Honestly OP, I really think you're self sabotaging here. I'm in a relationship with someone who has issues with self image, and who doesn't take compliments well. And to be honest, it can be quite wearing. There's the overt comments like the one you outlined above, but also exchanges like

"You look sexy tonight"
"Yeah, but I've put on weight" or "This top makes my arms look chubby" or even just a "Thanks" but said in a way that makes it clear that she thinks I'm lying.

I'm a stubborn little fucker so I haven't stopped complimenting DP, but I can see why someone else would if all their getting back is negativity.

Onto the sex thing. You say he had ED for a couple of weeks. This is terrifying for a man, especially the first time it happens. It could have been caused by any number of reasons, stress, being a bit under the weather, tiredness etc.

Hell, the trigger for my first time is that my girlfriend at the time went to give me a blowjob in the day, but I was worried that I'd just been for a run and was probably a bit smelly down there. Just having that in my head meant I couldn't perform, and then that failure is in your head every time you try from then on, making it more likely to happen again.

The fact that it only lasted for a couple of weeks for your DH is a sign that he really does find you attractive, but it will have knocked his confidence. He will be worried about initiating sex, particularly if he's worried that any failure to launch will be taken by you as another sign that he no longer finds you attractive.

You need to have a conversation with him. I know you're saying he won't engage with it, but it's because you're leading with the wrong thing. Talk about the facts. He's stopped complimenting you, son ask if youve done anything to make him think you don't want compliments. Sex is happening less frequently, so say to him you'd like more frequent sex, and what needs to happen to make that happen.

And then you have to start believing him when he compliments you, believing that he's having sex with you because he fancies you, rather than because you're handy, that he loves you and finds you attractive.

Because otherwise you're going to end up sabotaging this relationship, and then the same thing will happen in the next, and the next.

I think that’s great advice from @Bobbotgegrinch

In particular, planning how you frame this sort of thing in conversation.

Avoid any accusations or assumptions- emphasise the positives of your relationship and what you’d like him to do going forwards?

Avoid phrases like “you avoid me, you’d rather read a book in bed, you won’t tell me what’s wrong”
and use phrases like “ I love you and would like to feel more desired. That doesn’t mean sex, I’d like more physical affection and to get back the intimacy we had”

You say he won’t talk, so YOU talk. Tell him what you’re anxious about, reassure him that it’s not because you’ve “gone off” him.
I guarantee that’s what he’s thinking!

Its great that you can acknowledge how your negative body image is affecting your entire relationship.
Is he aware that you feel insecure about your appearance? Can you spell that out to him?

A lot of problems in relationships can arise simply because both parties start to think their partner can read their mind.

There could have been something going with your partner. It could have also been something totally unrelated to you but I could imagine you’re probably not the person to talk to about it because your insecurities would make it all about you.

You want confirmation of your diagnosis and don’t sound particularly interested or curious about any thing different.

Yes you must avoid accusatory discussions, and saying things that make it obvious you have decided how he feels.

He is in an awkward situation with his partner who is withdrawing from him and giving very confusing signals out to him. You are just as guilty of this.

What you do is you wear what makes you feel good, you dress up for yourself - not what makes you look even smaller and tiny and fragile in your desperate hope he will notice how sad and morose you look and sweep you into his arms. You are actually thinking of ways to try to get him to notice you - in the completely wrong way. You are wanting him to notice you are attractive and sexy by going and getting changed in another room?

What you do is build your own confidence up - you do not need a man to make you feel strong or sexy or powerful or attractive do you? You are all of those things anyway? Why do you need him specifically to tell you in a very specific way?

You need to accept that you have a communication issue in your relationship. Many posters have struggled to communicate with you and you don’t seem to really get to a point you float around it. Your partner might be feeling the same. He might not like talking to you because you aren’t able to give him straight answers or take any responsibility for your role here either. How this began is not really relevant. Something happened, a blip and instead of talking about it you guys are now rapidly friendzoning each other and you are fantasising about him breaking up with you to put you out of your misery.

He can't win, no matter what he says. You are making your problems his problems.

Look back at what you’ve written here op

This is not unusual for me. It’s happened several times in other relationships..the man has gone off me and it’s ended, or they’ve stopped finding me attractive..that’s normal

Ive paraphrased a bit but this seems to be a pattern in most of your past relationships. It’s not that normal no. Something changes and you think he’s “gone off” you > relationship ends (?)

I’m not saying it’s all on you, but Your behaviour may well be the catalyst each time.

I would say considering he made comment about being allowed to look at the door, he does actually want to look at you too. Why would he say that at all if he didn't find you attractive, if that was the case he wouldn't want to look at you.

He's then been cold because you've made him feel like you are pulling away from him, or pushing him away.

I mean I'm a guy and I've not dated one but from what I know, most men cannot communicate effectively and I think you're expecting too much in that regard. He's likely got no fucking clue what to say or do, and whatever he does say is wrong, he's firing blind.

I was raised differently and by women so I can maybe articulate more but growing up and socially, expressing emotions, feelings and communicating anything like that was just not done, if anything it was avoided.

I believe your own insecurities are sabotaging your relationship as others have suggested. As I said before, I've been here in his shoes and no matter how much I articulated my feelings, which is more than most I would say, nothing would get through. Refused to believe it could be true.

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername the only person deflecting is YOU. you are literally sabotaging your relationship because you think you have a power to read his mind