I can't get past the idea that my partner doesn't find me attractive.

[CantEvenThinkOfAUsername]

I've felt this way for a few months now.

I know he loves me. I believe that. But I don't think he finds me attractive or is physically/sexually atracted to me.

It's not an unusual experience for me. It's happened before. Several times tbh that I've dated someone who didn't find me physically attractive but was drawn to me for other reasons.

He used to tell me I looked nice if we went out but he's said nothing now for several months. I'm not very confident and, when he looks at me and says nothing other than, are you ready? Shall we go now? It makes me feel that he's embarrassed to be seen with me (I've had that a few times in the past too).

I told him outright the other day that that was how I felt. He told me that, when we first met (a few years before we got together), he'd complimented me and I'd smiled and said "Thank you for complimenting me on something I have no control over."

I don't remember that but, tbh, I can imagine it being the sort of thing I would have said.

But he did tell me if he thought I looked nice until a few months ago.

When I told him, he tried to backpedal and i thinknwas about to offer compliments but I stopped him. I wasn't fishing for compliments, I was telling him how I feel.

We do have sex. Probably once every couple of weeks but it now feels like we do because he is horny and not because he's attracted to me and I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy me just because they feel horny. whereas, until a few months ago, i felt like he fancied me.

So this man loves you, wants to have sex with you, wants to stay in relationship with you, and thinks you're 'objectively attractive' (by your own admission). I'm struggling to see the issue here. What would 'enough' look like?

You seem to have rules about what kind of compliments do/don't count, which feels like he wouldn't get it right even if he did compliment you. It sounds like you don't feel attractive and want him to make you feel that, but you'll discount what he does do because you don't feel attractive anyway. Very tricky issue and agree with others that it's mainly about your own self-confidence, and then perhaps a communication and love language thing, but focus on you first.

But he did tell me if he thought I looked nice until a few months ago.

Did you ask him why 'until a few months ago'?

Would be nice if you read all the comments , think about it and then reply . I think you are not getting the most out of your relationship .

How long have you been together?

It sounds like you’re almost setting tests you want your dp to fail by the way you’re behaving. What are you trying to prove to yourself?

You shut down compliments on your physical appearance early on with your curt response about him “complimenting something you have no control over“
What do you think he learnt from that?

You cut him short just now when he tried to reassure you about your attractiveness saying you only want “organic” compliments. If he says anything he’s lying. now

Now you’re refusing to consider that this is a self esteem issue- instead you’re adamant that he’s lying or pretending to find you attractive because he wants sex.

Youre being incredibly hard work op! Your dp is treading on eggshells around this issue.

It seems obvious that you’re carrying trauma from past relationships into this one.
You say this has happened before - an ex /mhas gone off you or hasn’t found you attractive.
You seem determined to prove to yourself that this relationship will go the same way. Why?

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername i agree with others - just because he doesn’t say it as often doesn’t mean he doesn’t think it.

It does sound more like a historic self esteem thing you have.

after 8 years with my partner he doesn’t tell me as often - but when I mention it to him he was surprised and hadn’t realised he didnt tell me as often. He said he thought it and was apologetic that he didn’t say it more and makes the effort to remember now. But I also realised I didn’t verbalise it to him as much either.

another thing is love languages. Mine and my partners are quite different. It’s different how we show love, and feel loved. I need the words and soft gestures - holding hands, hugs and physical contact (outside of sex!). He shows he loves me by doing things, cooking, activities etc. I show love by doing little things for him, silly or thoughtful little gifts, little head massages etc, cooking and snack provisions so he can switch off when a big game is on (he normally does all the cooking at his!). So check out your love languages.

And also - if that’s what you responded when he gave you a compliment years ago - I’m not surprised he didn’t bother again. That is not accepting a compliment well.

And also - if that’s what you responded when he gave you a compliment years ago - I’m not surprised he didn’t bother again. That is not accepting a compliment well.

He did bother again. That was several years ago. The change had only been in the past few months.

I don't measure it by compliments which is why I said I wasn't looking for compliments and stopped him. I was trying to tell him how I felt and find out if there was any truth in it. But I didn't really get an answer from him.

Again, as for the love languages, I know he loves me. That's not the issue.

Someone said that everyone has sex when they're horny. Well yes but it's usually a response to the person you're having sex with and not separate from that.

Love languages isn’t about knowing someone loves you. It’s about learning better how to communicate in a relationship. It’s about learning what makes each other (or just yourself) tick…

I do understand that. I just meant that it's not about that. His love languages are similar to mine. Or were. Which is why it's a noticeable change.

His has changed from 'words and touch' to acts of service. I know when I was in a relationship with someone I didn't fancy but got on well with, my 'love language' changed to this too. It completely lacks intimacy.

I hate the thought of him looking at me and feeling conflicted. Inwardly shuddering with disgust but also thinking that he loves me and so doesn't want to split up. Or that it's too much effort to do so.

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername you interpreted one change as him losing attraction to you and now you're imagining that he is "shuddering with disgust"

read what you wrote - how can you not see how far-fetched your imagination is?

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername

It’s like we are talking to a wall. You are not listening to anything anyone says on here. You seem to be convinced you are totally right in thinking he is not attracted to you.
There is absolutely nothing your poor boyfriend do atm.
You will suspect anything he does or says now as being disingenuous.

You can’t even see you are making no sense.

We all first get horny then have sex.
You said it yourself - hornyness is a response to the person you are with.

Sp - the person needs to be attractive to you for you to become horny.
Hence - the clear and logical conclusion that he is attracted to you. You make him want to have sex…. and that means?….

But you’ll just find some other way to convince yourself of your own narrative.
Maybe - you should just leave now before you torture yourself and the poor guy further.

Finally - of course the intensity of compliments and gestures changes as relationship progresses. But you don’t want to hear it…

You sound very much like the other poster a few days ago. She had a FWB for a while. Then stalked his SM and realised he followed skinny models. As she is not skinny - she decided he wasn’t really attracted to her - despite the great sex they were having. And despite admitting issues with her weight and past partners making her insecure. She was just like you - repeating her narrative over and over.

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername could you explain what would make you think your partner is attracted to you?

Compliments for me are nice but what really makes me think attracted is the way someone is looking at me, small touches (like a hand on my arm).
So I’m wondering if the lack of compliments is the only thing that has happened in the last few months or if you’ve noticed other stuff too.

Re the sex
Is it often enough for you and do you initiate sex too (not just him when he is horny)? When you do initiate, what’s his answer?

It’s highly unlikely he’s remaining in a relationship with you if
a) he doesn’t fancy you at all and
b) he’s disgusted by the way you look.

As a relationship progresses, it evolves. This is the consensus on this thread from experienced women.

It’s unusual for a man to continually chat you up, flatter you, or even fancy you at all times. The sex might even dwindle at times or hit a dry patch. You should feel more comfortable with each and secure. You don’t need to present your “best self” at all times as you did in the early days.

My husband has seen me at my best and worst. He’s held my hair back when I’ve been sick and seen me shit myself giving birth. Attraction isn’t skin deep in a LTR - it’s far deeper than looks.

You don’t have to give a reason to end a relationship if that’s what you want. If you don’t think he’s giving you what you need?

Think carefully though- are you deliberately sabotaging something good?

I can’t imagine you enjoy sex with him if you have this much doubt in your head?

Perhaps because you can’t believe he finds you attractive or loves you (warts and all)?
Some people subconsciously fall into a pattern of destructive behaviour in relationships- a complex mix of self harm, not feeling worthy or deserving.

It’s worth considering what you want and need and communicating that to him.

If you cannot trust what he tells you then the writings on the wall for you both.

Be aware - you are pushing him away right now and probably making him feel insecure.

I don't think hebwpuld be honest because he loves me and doesn't want us to not be together.

At the risk of mansplaining, as a bloke can I just say that men only want to stay with partners they find attractive. At any rate, if there are any that think otherwise, I've never met them.

I think you are working yourself up over nothing OP.

I.dont initiate anymore no.

I used to but he started making it really obvious he wasn't interested like bringing a book to bed or spending two hours on fb until I'd fallen asleep or just ignoring me.

So I just stopped I've tried talking to him about this but he denied it happened. It did happen. And it happened around the same time I noticed the other things.

I can’t imagine you enjoy sex with him if you have this much doubt in your head?

No. He was clearly avoiding sex with me for a few months. Then it seemed to improve from his side but, by then, I'd got used to us not having sex so it felt a bit odd. I'd just stopped seeing myself in that way.

I assumed it was because other things had turned him on during the day and was nothing to do with me.

It was just a sudden loss of interest and then an equally sudden increase in interest about 4 or 5 months later. He's stil not very interested though. Sometimes he claims to be but always at times when there is no chance of it happening. Then we'll be in the house on our own or go to bed and he hugs me and tells me he's going to sleep.

You’re describing his actions but his reasons behind them are your assumptions.

Everything he does or doesn’t do triggers something in your brain that goes -Aha! This is proof he thinks I’m ugly

I’m not dismissing your feelings but your communication as a couple is AWFUL.
You’re drawing your own conclusions and I expect he is too.

For whatever reasons I think you’ve both “checked out”

Do you think you can salvage this relationship? Do you think setting aside some time to really TALK and LISTEN would help? No accusations or telling him how you think he feels.
Going on a long walk or drive together can be a good way of having difficult convos.

So it's not just the complements, but his behaviour as well? He suddenly(and unrelated to the comment he ascribes to you) stops complementing you, he rebuffs your sexual advances and rarely makes sexual advances towards you, and if he does they're at inappropriate times when he knows you'd say no?

That doesn't sound like it's in your head. The comment he ascribes to you sounds like an attempt at a defence but doesn't really reflect what is currently happening and was more likely a response you had to a particular comment he made to you years ago.

I think you've been struggling to articulate exactly what is happening and so people here have just said "it's in your head" but I don't think it is.

But, I'm afraid the reality is that to get to the bottom of this you're going to have to have a conversation with him. If it's something he can explain you might get the truth. But I suspect given he's already tried to turn it back in you before you won't.

Especially if the reason why is hems had his head turned by someone else, which the suddenness of it indicates might have happened - although that doesn't mean he has stopped finding you attractive as such, just that his attention might be elsewhere (but not necessarily acted on).

Stay observant to other behaviours (higher level of personal grooming, talking too much or not enough about people or places) raise it with him, watch his reaction.

If you don’t enjoy sex with him then that’s a big issue. He’s not going to initiate when he can see you’re not in to it? He’s not going to want lots of sex if you’re indifferent?

I have a feeling you reach a stage in a relationship where you push your partner away (emotionally) and it eventually erodes everything.

If this has happened in all your past relationships ( he goes off you/ stops finding you attractive and things peter out) then maybe it’s a pattern and something to do with how you pull away emotionally and let doubts creep in?

I definitely don’t think you can ignore the cracks that have appeared in your current situation.

I wasn't indifferent. I stopped initiating because it clearly wasn't welcomed.

It was obvious he wasn't interested. Then his interest level increased and I was confused.

It started to feel like his interest in sex with me was completely unrelated to me.

I know everyone says it but I can't see how it would be someone else. He works with all men and his life patterns haven't changed. I just don't think he's interested in me that way anymore but doesn't want to split up.

In every other way he's no different with me. He'd rather spend time with me than anyone else. We still go out and have fun etc but it feels different now.

I've tried talking to him. Like I said, I told him I'd noticed he was less interested in me and he denied it. But there was no explanation. Just denial. But I'm not stupid. We went from having sex 3 or 4 times a week to not at all overnight.

We went from having sex 3 or 4 times a week to not at all overnight.

Thats a huge change!
Was there anything else going on around that time? Stress at work or him getting some illness (eg covid) that he hasn’t quite recovered from?

Ok so this is a sex issue.

Its quite common to feel rejected or unattractive if your partner doesn’t want sex.

The issue is still communication- he went through a dry patch- reasons unknown- and has now recovered his sex drive to an extent.

You are now withdrawing from sex and have lost your sex drive- or you simply don’t enjoy it anymore?

You have low confidence- particularly with your appearance so him not wanting sex immediately makes you think it’s because he finds you unattractive.

However, you both still love each other and enjoy each other’s company. You want to be together.

I think you’re both giving each other mixed signals and struggling to communicate.

No. He had a few ED issues the last couple of weeks before he lost interest.

I thought maybe it was related to that but then he started showing an interest again and there has been no ED issues at all since. But he is now only genuinely interested once every couple of weeks. And I don't think it's related to me.

I think the showing an interest when sex isn't possible is designed to throw me off the scent.

But he won't talk to me. It feels like smoke and mirrors.

I think you’re both giving each other mixed signals and struggling to communicate

I've tried. I can't have a conversation on my own.

ED is a huge issue for men - as in it can completely destroy their sexual confidence and / or sexual appetite- even if it never returns there is a residual performance anxiety.

ED is not linked to how attractive he finds you or how turned on he feels. Maybe you’re underestimating the impact on him?

I think you’ve taken his disinterest in sex as rejection/ betrayal / finding you unattractive .

Do you think he feels desired or attractive to you if you never initiate sex ? Maybe he assumes he can no longer satisfy you? Has lost confidence?

Ive no idea where you can go from here if he won’t talk to you.
Im no sex therapist but it seems this is where your issues lie.