I can't get past the idea that my partner doesn't find me attractive.

[CantEvenThinkOfAUsername]

I've felt this way for a few months now.

I know he loves me. I believe that. But I don't think he finds me attractive or is physically/sexually atracted to me.

It's not an unusual experience for me. It's happened before. Several times tbh that I've dated someone who didn't find me physically attractive but was drawn to me for other reasons.

He used to tell me I looked nice if we went out but he's said nothing now for several months. I'm not very confident and, when he looks at me and says nothing other than, are you ready? Shall we go now? It makes me feel that he's embarrassed to be seen with me (I've had that a few times in the past too).

I told him outright the other day that that was how I felt. He told me that, when we first met (a few years before we got together), he'd complimented me and I'd smiled and said "Thank you for complimenting me on something I have no control over."

I don't remember that but, tbh, I can imagine it being the sort of thing I would have said.

But he did tell me if he thought I looked nice until a few months ago.

When I told him, he tried to backpedal and i thinknwas about to offer compliments but I stopped him. I wasn't fishing for compliments, I was telling him how I feel.

We do have sex. Probably once every couple of weeks but it now feels like we do because he is horny and not because he's attracted to me and I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't fancy me just because they feel horny. whereas, until a few months ago, i felt like he fancied me.

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername
In some relationships, I think that sex becomes a habit unrelated to desire. It becomes the familiar, and like many familiar things you no longer give thought to, you rarely, question do I really b like or need this. Chances are , he probably does not think of you in terms of attractiveness as relates to sex , he more likely thinks of you as familiar and comfortable.
What you have with him now is probably indicative of what your future together will be (peaks and lows) , if you are not prepared to live with that only you can decide.

OP it’s so hard to really know how this chat happened remember the saying there are 3 sides to every story, your side, their side and somewhere in the middle.

What is clear is that you have filled in some of blanks here with a made up story. You need to get rid of the story completely. I have a feeling that even if you are trying to communicate with him, you are:
a. not making yourself clear to him
b. focusing the whole thing all on yourself and your looks
c. not listening to the responses you get and deciding he’s lying to you

If you know someone loves you, isn’t it ok for them to go through a bumpy libido at times? I gather this guy has an entire life outside of you? Is there literally absolutely nothing that could be causing him any issues? And you describe instantly noticing he had and episode of ED and then you began to actively withdraw from him after this. You didn’t offer him comfort or affection or reassurance? Did you just wait for him to approach you? Did he actively turn you down by saying no, pushing you away, rejecting you - or did you just start perceiving he was picking up a book and just lie there in silence wishing he would touch you? Did you reach out and touch him? If so, did he push you away? If you didn’t, why not? It sounds like the distance between you is a 2 way causation.

And when you asked him why he doesn’t complement you, he told you he finds it awkward and you aren’t receptive. However you got defensive about this and decided it’s not true because he did continue to try.

Just sit him down and tell him you love him, you want to reconnect with him emotionally. Why don’t you Google ways to reconnect emotional intimacy? That’s all you guys need to do. You don’t need to have some long awful deep convo about ‘he did this, you did that’ with blame or raking over tiny things that happened. Why don’t you just wipe the slate clean and give him the benefit of the doubt?

You could do something other than just sit moping around convincing yourself you are Quasimodo

maybe he is playing with your self esteem
or he fancies someone else in the last couple of months
or the relationship is starting to run its course for him.

Sorry bt it sounds like it's all in your head and he's realised no matter what he says it doesn't make a difference

What you do is you wear what makes you feel good, you dress up for yourself - not what makes you look even smaller and tiny and fragile in your desperate hope he will notice how sad and morose you look and sweep you into his arms

That wouldn't be the reason at all. I would feel more comfortable knowing I hadn't made an effort. I would he more relaxed and enjoy it more.

And you describe instantly noticing he had and episode of ED and then you began to actively withdraw from him after this. You didn’t offer him comfort or affection or reassurance? Did you just wait for him to approach you? Did he actively turn you down by saying no, pushing you away, rejecting you - or did you just start perceiving he was picking up a book and just lie there in silence wishing he would touch you? Did you reach out and touch him? If so, did he push you away? If you didn’t, why not? It sounds like the distance between you is a 2 way causation.

I stopped initiating be ause he was ignoring me if I touched him or bringing a book to bed or playing on his phone to avoid it. I did try. But i stopped because it clearly wasnt welcomed. After that, i left it to him to initiate in case me doing so added pressure. It had happened a couple of times previously and I was reasuring. I didn't make it about me. I didn't think the ED was anything to do with me. It happens. But him ignoring and avoiding me was just awkward and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable or dread bedtime tbh.

He made a joke about you not wanting him to look at your body last night- that was an opportunity to level with him.

To tell him you’re hiding away from him because you feel anxious about how you look. You’re worried he doesn’t find you attractive any more.

Then listen to his response and BELIEVE him.

I’ll bet he’ll feel relieved to know why you’re pushing him out and will want to reassure you.
He’s probably wondering what the fuck is going on!

Try to have that conversation tonight before you go to the concert together x

@CantEvenThinkOfAUsername I understand you believe you have tried to make some effort so far and as you didn’t yield much of a result, although this really doesn’t sound like a positive approach you took and we no idea how you phrased any of your questions to him.

you have now decided to take a passive stance and spiral down into self pity and relinquish all control over yourself and your relationship to the man.

Wear what you want? Why would what your partner thinks or wears even be relevant? want to be comfy? Be comfy? Why does it matter what he wears? I’ve never once considered an outfit with my partner in mind apart from whether it’s physically practical for our activity. You are self conscious and this is something you need to work on

ok so your options as I see it:

• do nothing else, continue to plod on in silence, alone and sad waiting for him to notice
• consider approaching him differently than how you have before, with a more proactive, positive approach
• get some help for your self esteem issues outside of your relationship
• understand your self worth and value as a human not just as a woman in a sexual way

or, things I don’t advise:

• break up with him as he won’t talk to you or give you what you need
• Confront him about his behaviour very directly and tell him he makes you feel insecure and ask him what he’s going to do about it
• write him a long letter of all your feelings to avoid having a face to face chat

I'm sorry that not many have tried to be empathetic on this post. I understand that these things can seem complex, and they're not as black and white as some may suggest. Your emotional responses are valid, of course everyone wants to feel attractive to their partners. I understand that.

Everyone has self esteem issues. You deserve to be with someone who is attracted to you and can show it. Maybe just ask him if he's still attracted to you. Keep it simple, and listen to his response. And yea it's important to be kind to yourself, but we do live in a society obsessed with sexual attraction so I can see why anyone would be upset by this. Most of us are affected by external pressures to be a certain way, and the way out of that isn't always easy but it's a road I'm trying to take but I keep missing the right junction lol. Maybe we Will be able to let go of certain things someday.

Surround yourself with friends and keep having fun and taking care of yourself x

I really think you need to work on your own self belief and confidence as that will shine through. Also you say you don't think he fancies you but I think this stems from your past relationship that you said he was vile and put you down and really just enjoy the relationship and stop worrying and work on yourself. Anyone can give compliments but it is how he treats you, is it with respect and kindness etc Why do you not make a move on him or do you always wait until he 'feels horny' as you put it. Sexiness comes from within and not how a person looks or perceives they look. Hope you are ok and believe in yourself and don't put yourself down. Also ask yourself are you happy with him or is the relationship making you more anxious and if so talk to someone who can help you or end it. I am happier single as in relationships issues from childhood come up and make me anxious and worrying about abandonment so staying single as feel lighter in myself. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.