To consider divorcing my husband even if he improves and stops abusing me?

[Amgelima]

I grew up in a conservative Christian community where divorced women were shamed and considered damaged goods. When I got married, divorce was one of my biggest fears.

After marriage, my husband became physically, emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive. I did not believe divorce was an option for me and tried in every possible way to have a healthy relationship with him and to create a good marriage. I read books and prayed. He refused counselling and mocked the idea. I was afraid to go alone for fear it would upset him or be disrespectful.

We had three children together. Please don’t judge me for this. I did not believe divorce was an option and it was one of my greatest fears. I tried to believe my marriage could be good and I stayed hopeful.

over time, I matured and observed patterns. I read more relationship books. Including Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?). My eyes were opened to the fact that I was being abused. I had only known about physical abuse, and since my husband had stopped that for the most part after I threatened to call police, I thought it was only a minor part of our marriage. Bancroft’s book changed my perspective. I also read various Christian authors on the topic of abuse in marriage and divorce and changed my position on Divorce.

My husband read in my journal that I was done with our marriage. He threatened suicide if I left him. He started acting kinder. I have started feeling safer. He says he will go to marriage counselling with me as long as the finger isn’t pointed only at him. In my mind, this means he hasn’t really changed or that he still wants to defend his actions. I just don’t think I can put up with this any longer.

but part of me thinks I should stay and keep working on the marriage for the sake of our children. I fear breaking their hearts. I also worry about being lonely and single for the rest of my life as I am now a 43 year old mother of 3 primary school aged kids and it would prob be difficult to find s new partner. I love being married and having a relationship. I love nurturing and caring. Losing my marriage is a devastating loss. But I fear living with this man will destroy me more and more over time. So mulch damage has already been done and he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He wants to say a quick sorry and then “let’s please not mention that any more, don’t hold it over my head” when I want to talk shout feeling hurt after the years of verbal abuse. There were also horrible instances of abuse ffrom his family - him and them going on holiday with out me, etc., all putting me down together and him joining in or not standing up for me or telling me to see their side when they did/said mean or strange things, etc. Sometimes something reminds me of a horrible experience with him and I just want to talk about it - my attempt to rebuild trust and make sure he has changed. He has allowed some of this which is s huge change. But for the most part he says “when will you be done holding the past against me” and this does not help me to process the past and move forward.

he also still has abusive behaviours and words. He breaks things in our home when he is angry. He yanks the children by their arms or twists ears when he is angry. He chases out eldest upstairs in s threatening way when he misbehaves. I tell him to stop and it makes me panic.

my husband says people just needs to hang in there and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Sometimes he convinces me that he is right and that I am asking for too much and just expecting him to fulfil my fairy tale.

I also worry about what it would be like to be a single mum. I worry about not seeing my children every day if we divorce. I worry about being too tired to care properly for my kids bc they are full on rambunctious. I worry about lonely Christmases and imagine a lonely life. Most of our friends are families and I worry I will lose them. I worry my family won’t understand.

so, mums net, what do you think? For those who have been divorced from abusive partners, was it hard? Was it worth it?

Your husband is abusing you and your children. He is physically hurting them and terrifying them. They will not thank you for allowing them to grow up in a home like this

'He says he will go to marriage counselling with me as long as the finger isn’t pointed only at him. In my mind, this means he hasn’t really changed or that he still wants to defend his actions. I just don’t think I can put up with this any longer.'

And you don't have to. You are right that he hasn't changed and he won't. My advice would be to get YOURSELF into counselling, so that you can nurture the parts of you that know you deserve better, and turn down the volume on the parts of you that have been conditioned into thinking that divorce is the end of the world

Ultimately you have to get yourself and your children away from this man. No one who remotely cared about you would advise you to stay

Leaving my abusive husband, was by far the best thing I did for myself and for my children.

I found that in a peaceful house with myself as the only adult, was calmer, happier, and full of love. I flourished and so did my dc. I have a wonderful relationship with my dc and they are living and acting as children rather than walking on egg shells and heaving to whiteness their mother being abused and thinking it's 'normal'

I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than be in another abusive marriage. As it happened I met my now dh at the age of 43 and I know what a living and respectful relationship should be.

Do the freedom programme. It will help you see what is happening and will be a great support in you leaving.

I'll be blunt, you are destroying your children's mental health. It's pointless whatever you do for them while they are being brought up with domestic violence. By the time they are young teens he'll be verbally abusing and hitting them. You are choosing him over your children. You asked the wrong people, leave Mums out of it and ask the now adult children who were brought up in households such as yours. It's him or your adult children/grandchildren because I'll put money on them not turning up for family Christmas'd etc. If you think about staying at least be honest with your children's teachers and counsellors, when they start to exhibit behaviour issues, because they will.

I say this as a Christian who takes marriage very very seriously.

Please leave.

I wonder what will be more heartbreaking to your kids, their mother leaving their abusive father for a better life, or finding their mother dead after being beaten to a pulp?
Leopards don't change their spots, don't be naive and think this is improvement, it's TEMPORARY til you're back to being comfortable.
Leave now your life depends on it.

Thank you. I have been afraid I would break my children’s hearts if I divorce bc they love their dad so much. He builds them forts and is very involved. But this is so important to drill into my mind. He is abusing them. You are right. Honestly I want to cry when I think about this. They love him so much, but yanking arms is abuse - it has only happened a few times, but it’s still abuse - and I know it must frighten them. I have told him he cannot do that to them and he will listen to me and stop, but I am afraid he will do it again.

good point that even they cannot see it now they will not thank me for letting them grow up with abuse or even with a mother who is verbally abused which it is also damaging to witness.

I get lulled into a false sense of security when my husband shows improvements and I think we have finally reached safety. But he is chronically depressed and negative towards me, chronically dumping his bad emotional baggage onto me. He keeps me so busy dealing with him and I feel it distracts me from good parenting.

I need to think about my children and my responsibility to keep them safe first and foremost in this. My husband is never going to see the problems and I believe he will be endlessly angry and betrayed if I accuse him of harming the children. I worry he will try to make up accusations against me to retaliate. I don’t see him letting that go. He thinks it’s ridiculous of me to accuse him of abuse and says “yes I can see where that was wrong, but I didn’t know” or “I can see where that was harmful” but won’t go much beyond that level of admission. He does not admit to verbal abuse and says I am becoming a feminist and am projecting anger towards my dad unfairly onto him when I stand up to him and ask him to speak in a kinder voice or I will remove myself from the conversation etc. he thinks that is annoying.

You won't change this man; but he will change you and grind you into the dust. That why it's never recommended that you engage in joint therapy with someone abusive as it gives them more information and skills to do so.

Use the brains God gave you and get away.

It seems that he plans to turn it down (temporarily) to the worst acceptable behaviour. There’s a big difference between I’m not perfect and trying to rip off your children’s ears.

if you asked him “is there anything that even you think would be too horrible for you to do” what would he say. Does he expect you to keep secrets about your behaviour and would he be angry if other people picked up on what he’s really like.

The No finger pointing is also a minimization tactic. It means he wants full credit for whatever good he does, whilst expecting a discreet veil to be drawn over him being a shit. You however get no such leniency.

I’d just tell him “No.” and that you feel entitled to leave him. He’s the one who has destroyed everything, so he can deal with this mess of his making.
Then I would start lining up my ducks and get the hell out of there. Your family will support you.

Thank you - I just want to say that my husband only shoved me one time and the other times he “accidentally” threw toys at my legs and threw scissors across the room at me. Do you think it is still at that level of seriousness?

I really, really, really don’t want my kids to grow up traumatised by their dad. They have been afraid when he has banged the dinner table in anger. I am assuming that is not normal or good. I have been so beaten down by this man I know it has me not thinking as clearly or seeing as clearly. I also had such warped ideas of marriage. I did grow up in a house with an abusive dad and I choose to see my parents much less bc of it. You have a good point there. I would not judge my mum AT ALL if she left my dad and wish she had done so sooner. But my husband is arguably better than my dad and I supposed that is why it is harder for me to see - even though everything in my body keeps telling me my husband is not safe and is scary.

@Amgelima you say you grew up in a conservative Christian community but what is your current community and social circle like?

'I get lulled into a false sense of security when my husband shows improvements and I think we have finally reached safety.'

Craving safety is totally understandable. You and your children will NEVER be safe around this man

He's afraid of you 'becoming a feminist'? Does that mean standing up for yourself, realising that he is not better than you just because he's a man, and that you deserve respect, care and nurture? Yes I can see why a man like him would find that threatening. Good for you for slowly realising that his behaviour is in no way normal and you are worth so much more

Don't minimise his violence with 'only one time' and 'it was an accident'. The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none

You and your kids deserve to feel safe and nurtured. To have the freedom to live happily and to be supported in everything you do. To be able to express yourselves without fear of unwelcome consequences.

I hope you believe your God also wants better for you too and that you have support in building a more peaceful life without this domineering bully.

Take it from me OP - abusers don't stop abusing. They don't change. It's within their DNA to abuse.
It's likely they come from a long line of abusers (I am going to be gender specific and say fathers).
They abuse women, men, children, drivers, police officers, members of the public, They abuse you through court proceedings, they abuse you through solicitors, they financially abuse you, and finally they'll continue their abuse of you via children. Every relationship ends up abusive.
It has to stop somewhere.
He won't change and it won't improve.
It'll escalate and it'll get worse.
Do yourself the BIGGEST favour you can and divorce the abusive bastard.
Your kids deserve better.

My current church (Anglican) is against domestic violence but I’m not sure how they would handle divorce. I am afraid I might lose all of my friends there bc they might not want to take sides as my husband and I are both involved in church. But I do have some friends who have been divorced. I have no doubt they would understand and would be supportive. I am gradually reentering the workforce (secular) and in my profession I am around many different people from different backgrounds. But I have no close friends there as of now. I am new and not around many hours per week. I need to build up my support system. I don’t feel I have much support outside of the families we both know.

my husband also wants to move far away. He gets bored being in once place. We have lived here since 2018. I was in the trenches of motherhood so didn’t socialise much until really the past 2 years when my youngest (now almost 5) started nursery.

He threw SCISSORS?

Think of what that could have done.

Think of what that could do to a child

It is very, VERY serious

Leave. You know it's the right way ahead. You might have to leave your church but you definitely need to divorce him.

Can I put another perspective in here? I was beaten as a child, thrashed, belted, and belittled. It was awful. Mum never intervened and would say that the kids will grow up and leave her but that dad wouldn’t so she stood by him. There was no protection. For whatever reason, fear of being abused, fear of being alone, you are doing the same. You are allowing him to abuse and frighten your children. You are also teaching your children that this is how adults behave. You are not protecting your children and they have no-one else to do it. They are in an awful situation.

I hated my childhood. I don’t look back on it with fondness. It has given me lifelong issues. Trust me, I’m a very old woman now and it still causes me distress when I think about it - and it is never far from my mind. If you can’t make the move for yourself then please do it for your children. You say that you like to nurture, nurture your children. The marriage isn’t worth it, your children are.

When my father died I didn’t cry. I’ve never grieved - never felt the need to, there was no love so nothing to grieve for. Any love I could have had for him was beaten out of me as a child. I loved my mum but I have to try really hard not to be angry with her for letting it happen.

This is not a pity post but it is a plea for you to take your children out of this unhealthy and threatening situation. You are already half-way there 😊 He wont change, despite the promises, and he is already following the classic abusers script of “it wasn’t all me” (ie it was your fault) and the blackmailing of threatening self harm if you go. If you stay you will be harmed more and it will do untold damage to your children.

I’m not at all religious but (and I mean this very kindly) you are staying for all the wrong reasons.

You get weary. Weary of the abuse, weary of trying to cover it up. You can't think of that person the way you once did. It's ok to go for that reason alone.

Your husband likes to keep you from building a support network then? I know you've been recommended the freedom programme already, I hope you have a look and also consciously build your village whether or not you ultimately do divorce him.

I don't pretend to have read this but hopefully it will reassure you that you will be supported

www.churchofengland.org/sites/default/files/2017-11/responding-well-to-domestic-abuse-formatted-master-copy-030317.pdf

I worry he will try to make up accusations against me to retaliate. I don’t see him letting that go. He thinks it’s ridiculous of me to accuse him of abuse

Then you have to be clever. Start talking to people about the abuse who will record it officially. Women's Aid, your GP, your church, a counsellor, the police if he gets violent again. Take pictures of any injuries, keep a diary and write in it instances where he frightened the children or used abusive language towards you.

When you are ready you can use it to prove what has happened so your husband doesn't get custody when you divorce. It might also help you to get legal aid if you don't work and need to go to court.

Christians should not allow a marriage to be something that is filled with violence and fear. Some of the meanest things done to my mum were by her church going "friends".
He knows he has done wrong but doesn't want to admit it. Show your children they don't need to live in fear and please leave him

I'm not divorced and wasn't abused in marriage; however I worked as a homeless officer for many years and saw countless women, and some men, who were in abusive relationships. PLEASE, just leave, or get him out of the house and out of your life. He will not improve, no one deserves to be abused,your children will grow up thinking that women should be treated like this , no religion should tell anyone to stay and be abused, you have one life and deserve to be happy, content, free from fear. Listen to what is being said here, it's all commonsense and true.

Abusers will continue to abuse. You need to remove yourself and your children from this situation. In my Women's Aid group, the women agreed that the physical abuse was easier to cope with than the emotional abuse, which leaves complex issues for both the women and the children who witness it.

He's working to a script, don't let him. Get help and go.