To consider divorcing my husband even if he improves and stops abusing me?

[Amgelima]

I grew up in a conservative Christian community where divorced women were shamed and considered damaged goods. When I got married, divorce was one of my biggest fears.

After marriage, my husband became physically, emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive. I did not believe divorce was an option for me and tried in every possible way to have a healthy relationship with him and to create a good marriage. I read books and prayed. He refused counselling and mocked the idea. I was afraid to go alone for fear it would upset him or be disrespectful.

We had three children together. Please don’t judge me for this. I did not believe divorce was an option and it was one of my greatest fears. I tried to believe my marriage could be good and I stayed hopeful.

over time, I matured and observed patterns. I read more relationship books. Including Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?). My eyes were opened to the fact that I was being abused. I had only known about physical abuse, and since my husband had stopped that for the most part after I threatened to call police, I thought it was only a minor part of our marriage. Bancroft’s book changed my perspective. I also read various Christian authors on the topic of abuse in marriage and divorce and changed my position on Divorce.

My husband read in my journal that I was done with our marriage. He threatened suicide if I left him. He started acting kinder. I have started feeling safer. He says he will go to marriage counselling with me as long as the finger isn’t pointed only at him. In my mind, this means he hasn’t really changed or that he still wants to defend his actions. I just don’t think I can put up with this any longer.

but part of me thinks I should stay and keep working on the marriage for the sake of our children. I fear breaking their hearts. I also worry about being lonely and single for the rest of my life as I am now a 43 year old mother of 3 primary school aged kids and it would prob be difficult to find s new partner. I love being married and having a relationship. I love nurturing and caring. Losing my marriage is a devastating loss. But I fear living with this man will destroy me more and more over time. So mulch damage has already been done and he doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He wants to say a quick sorry and then “let’s please not mention that any more, don’t hold it over my head” when I want to talk shout feeling hurt after the years of verbal abuse. There were also horrible instances of abuse ffrom his family - him and them going on holiday with out me, etc., all putting me down together and him joining in or not standing up for me or telling me to see their side when they did/said mean or strange things, etc. Sometimes something reminds me of a horrible experience with him and I just want to talk about it - my attempt to rebuild trust and make sure he has changed. He has allowed some of this which is s huge change. But for the most part he says “when will you be done holding the past against me” and this does not help me to process the past and move forward.

he also still has abusive behaviours and words. He breaks things in our home when he is angry. He yanks the children by their arms or twists ears when he is angry. He chases out eldest upstairs in s threatening way when he misbehaves. I tell him to stop and it makes me panic.

my husband says people just needs to hang in there and I can’t expect him to be perfect. Sometimes he convinces me that he is right and that I am asking for too much and just expecting him to fulfil my fairy tale.

I also worry about what it would be like to be a single mum. I worry about not seeing my children every day if we divorce. I worry about being too tired to care properly for my kids bc they are full on rambunctious. I worry about lonely Christmases and imagine a lonely life. Most of our friends are families and I worry I will lose them. I worry my family won’t understand.

so, mums net, what do you think? For those who have been divorced from abusive partners, was it hard? Was it worth it?

Why does he get to be abusive and people have to hang on for the long haul while he (maybe) works on himself? How long do you have to do that?

You write as though you are stuck in the 1950s op.

You really need to take advantage of the fact that it is 2023 and you can read first hand accounts from women who have recognised and escaped from abuse on here.

Also from adults who grew up the way your children are, and the damage it caused.

You are focussing totally on your emotions and how your dh affects you. Widening your focus may help you see the situation you are in.

By staying in this marriage you are allowing your H to physically abuse his children.

Divorce him and do everything in your power to keep him away from those poor children.

You're their mother, please protect them.

Thank you all. I am thinking about and reading all of these posts.

My husband just got home from work and I am trying to pay attention to how I feel around him. He immediately told me he wants to go for a run. (We both exercise regularly and have to plan this into our day). I said sure, and would you mind if I went for a walk after you?

His annoyed response: “What is this? A competition?”

I am immediately feeling tight and uncomfortable and disregulated.

He then said he would run in the morning bc it’s too wet out. I mentioned I have scheduled a run already for 6:15 with my running partner. He said I are competing for slots and got annoyed. I told him we are just two adults and parents who need to work as a team and let’s find a way we can both get runs in. I can go for just 30 min. He just acts annoyed.

I feel like it is not supposed to be this way and even though this is not one of our worst interactions I feel so heavy from it bc of his mood. He has perked up and explained that he is feeling stressed - but I had to ask him and coach him through the emotions. I had to say, “I feel a lot of tension - you sound stressed - are you feeling a bit stressed?” He then explained about a stressful deadline. But he takes it out on family.

I feel really sad for you after reading your post.
Please don't let your religious beliefs overrule the right thing to do for yourself and your children , this man and his family sound like very destructive people .
You need to leave this marriage and make a happy safe life away from this abusive man.
Not once ever have my father , my brother ,my husband made me fear them , my children have never been hurt or abused by their father, you know this is wrong, if you stay what message is that giving them ?
They will see the reality as they get older , you have a duty to provide them with as much stability and security as possible do it for them as well as yourself.

My response here is not very kind. You are allowing this man to abuse your children. He has not changed. If you continue to allow him to do this you are a bad mother. Get those children and get out now. I don't care if you're going to feel bad being a single mother. Put your children first.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

It's interesting what you said about your DH worried about you being a feminist. My husband shares many of your husband's traits. He accuses me of turning into a 'ballbreaker' and tells me that I'm letting feminist politics get in the way. He's frequently negative about feminists generally.

It's weird how these men seem to follow a 'script', as one pp has said.

I hope you get some good counselling.

One person told me something like 'God loves marriage, but he hates an abusive marriage'.

This is so judgemental, unsympathetic and simplistic. It's clear OP cares a lot about her children. It's not always simple to just leave.

Thanks for your kind reply. It has taken me a long time to even get to this point. I had years of brainwashing in ultra conservative Christian culture. It was beyond mainstream teaching and women were truly subjugated. Some only wore dresses, etc. It’s taken me years to get out of that thinking and I’m still undoing it. I have been untangling my faith from the legalistic rules I was given and it’s taken time to see clearly.

Thank you to all the Christians who posted on here that they wouldn’t judge me for divorce, and the people that reminded me that it’s 2023 and not 1950. All of that is really helpful.

also, to everyone who confirmed how horrible my husband’s behaviour is - thank you. As silly as that must sound, it’s tempting for me to get lulled into a trance of telling myself “oh that was just a blip, we’ll be back to normal soon…”. And to stay high on the drug of “hoping for the future” when my husband improves. It’s like slowly sinking in quick sand. So thank you to each of you. I don’t want to just get weaker and duller as time goes by and that’s what I’ve woken up to as a real fear. The number of people who would not tolerate his behaviour and who are quick to say it’s Unacceptable is really giving me confidence.

I have reached out to a counsellor and am scheduled to see her on zoom today. I’ll also look into the freedom course. I think that if I have community around me and feel assured that they won’t judge divorce, and if I know what to do on a practical level, I will feel more able to do this.

Over the past couple of months, my husband has said (2-3 times) that he is just waiting for me to “go off and leave him and the children” and that he has had thoughts of me doing that. I thought that was a truly out of touch thing to say. That is completely not in line with my character at all and no one who knows me would imagine me doing that. Just leaving? I would never leave my children. I don’t know if he was testing me for a response, but it worries me that he said that. He knows I see us as having marriage difficulties, but even people who divorce don’t leave their children. It did give me pause and make me wonder if he thought of trying to end my life and making it look like I left. I have probably listened to too many true crime podcasts. But honestly, him saying that really bothered me bc if he thinks that he knows nothing of my actual character and truly doesn’t “see” me.

He knows you, your goals, your fears, your faith etc and he is using it to beat you internally. Don't allow him.

I don't understand this excusing not leaving this sort of man for fear of being "lonely". What does being lonely actually mean? It doesn't mean being free of an abusive bully. He adds nothing to your life and takes so much away.

Damage has been done.

You can't repeatedly be an abusive arsehole and it be ok. How dare he ?

And if he's considering suicide it's because he shouldn't be able to live with himself and the trauma he has inflicted.

OP, just interested - I'm guessing there were some traits that attracted you to him in the first place? What's he like when he's not being abusive?

Did he get worse after marriage?

I think a question you should ask yourself is if you want to model to your children that they should stay in an abusive relationship because getting divorced is worse then being abused? As this belief hasn't helped you in life. It isn't something you want to pass on to your children and that is what Is being modelled to them currently sadly.

This man is manipulating you saying he will go to therapy.

Also to be completely horribly blunt and this will upset you but it is unfortunately what is happening. He is abusing your children, you describe physical abuse to them in this post. At the moment you are deciding divorce is worse then keeping your children safe.

Please contact women's aid and let them help you leave.

Thank you for your message. Your use of logic is helpful and not rude. It does send a message - is divorce worse than abuse? When you put it like that, I can see how illogical it is to stay. And yet of course bc my husband has shown signs of improvement over the years in the beginning I kept thinking and hoping things would get better. Even if thing have improved, they have not improved enough. I worry he will be worse towards the children over time and you are correct. I need to show them that both they and I deserve safety.

I am going to contact women’s aid. I did contact them in the past to report something my husband did that worried me before. That was over a year ago. I will call them again for help leaving. I am going to need help and honestly I am afraid.

He definitely got worse after marriage. There were some blips prior to marriage but he always explained things away and I believed him. Prior to marriage he made a wonderful impression on me that he was an honourable man who wanted to do what is right. We have shared values, shared faith (although if he is abusing he is not living the way a Christian should), shared enjoyment of active lifestyle, shared valuing of education. We “function” in terms of working as a team around the children for much of the time. Prior to marriage he was sociable and friendly and seemed warm. We laughed a lot. My main concerns were that we didn’t have the depth of emotional connection I wanted, but he promised me this was just something we needed to work at. I actually tried to break up with him after about 6 weeks of dating bc of this, but he talked to me for hours and convinced me to give him more of a chance. He said, “if I let you go, I will never find another one” meaning he saw me as his unicorn in a sense. Looking back, that was all about him and what he wanted, with not so much in terms of empathy for me. We went to pre marriage counselling and I shared literally all of my concerns with an open heart and took risks. I was bold. It seemed that every issue had been addressed and resolved and I literally noted on my wedding day that I slept peacefully the night before and had total peace of mind about tue marriage. I didn’t realise that he didn’t mean tue things he had promised me during the counselling. He literally went back on promises. I trusted him and took him at his word thinking he meant all of it. During the counselling, he had promised that when we were married, I would be the person who planned his birthday and not his sister (long story but she planned it when we were engaged which I thought was strange and talked about in counselling) but after marriage, he still had her plan it and told me nope, she is still going to plan it. He just smiled when I brought up the counselling and shook his head and said no. I was literally stunned. There were so many things like that.

It was only after I split from my husband that I realised how stressed I had been every day. I would hear his car arrive and be on edge, what mood he was in set the tone for all of us (3 dc). I now realise I had disliked him for most of our marriage.
The relief that I won’t hear his car arrive is still amazing.

Did you talk to the counsellor? Is there anyone at your church you can confide in? They may be able to reassure you on the church side of things. I would hope that the Christian love would count for more than outdated thoughts on divorce when dealing with domestic abuse.

These posts have made me really sad. Sad that you have been so conditioned into accepting abusive behaviour, supposedly, accidental throwing of things as being ok.

You say you are scared of divorce, but actually you should be scared of marriage.

You also said you are scared of being lonely.
But you would rather be with an abuser than be on your own? The peace of being alone with your children….?

As others have said, you are teaching your children what relationships are like - volatile abusive and they will look for partners just like him. Your daughter will find someone to abuse her… You have to ask yourself whether you want that pattern to continue or whether you want to break away and help your children learn and have healthy relationships.

I know on your other thread you say your husband wants another child. Obviously that’s a bad idea as that’s just him trying to tie you down further. The best thing for you to do is ferret money away and plan your escape with your children. We only have one life. Do you really want to spend it in this way and allow history the chance of repeating itself for your children….

I know it will be hard to leave so you need to choose your hard … I know which is the best option.

I found people in my church were nothing but supportive when I divorced my ex-H. Think about it - if people care about you, why would they want you to live unhappily, in fear, on edge? Anyone who cares, anyone who loves you, will want you and your children to be safe and happy.

You are not currently safe or happy. Your children are being abused and so are you. This man is a monster who's only saying words now to get you back in your box. He was very happy to abuse you while it just hurt you and the children. Now he thinks it might affect his life he's willing to change, he says. Think about that.

He doesn't really want to change. You know that. It's just words. Any 'change' will be temporary. If you stay, he'll know he can get away with anything and you'll put up with it. So he'll get worse. And he'll grind you down more. And you'll end up a shell of yourself, and unable to protect your children.

Your children will grow up thinkig that an unloving relationship is OK, is normal. They'll think it's OK for your partner to hurt you, to throw scissors at you, to threaten you, to be violent towards their children.

What would you say if your child was in your position? What would you say if your grandchild was being hurt and frightened by their dad?

You deserve better. You children deserve better.

I never for one second regretted leaving mine, and my DCs flourished.

@Amgelima please watch this service. If you're short on time, watch from 45 minutes until 1hr 6mins. Pastor David Purse, in case I've not copied the right link, it's the Sunday 20th August one, and he's wearing a dark blue jacket with yellow striped tie. There is a second Sunday one, the evening service, but this link should be the morning service.

I too was brought up in a very Christian family with divorce to be shameful. My husband was physically and verbally abusive. I finally left him and divorced. Please do not let your Christian beliefs stop you from leaving this abusive marriage. As Pastor David Purse says, women should be respected and protected and he would tell any woman who came to him to leave her abusive husband.

Part2 - In the days of Ahasuerus - by Pastor David Purse (whitewell.church)

Call the police and tell them what he did to your kids. Get him removed from the house. This man is a serious threat to your children's safety. Nothing else matters right now except protecting them. He could end up very seriously hurting them or worse.

This creep should be nowhere near a church. Christian my arse he's a nasty little narcissist.

I grew up in a household you're describing. In fact worse than your describing. I wish my mum had left him 😔 it may be hard at the start but it will be worth it in the end.

Take it from me and leave whilst they are young. Get in touch with Women's Aid in your area. They will help you.

Your children are seeing the abuse and will ve damaged. I stayed because I thought my children needed their dad (I was bought up in afluent abuse as they call it)

Staying was the worst thing I could have done. When my eldest hit gobby teens, the ex turned on him.

That was it. I was gone with my 4. We went through the fires of hell with the aftermath and the whole system of this country.

It took me 9 years to clear everything up. We were hidden homeless, involved with children social service, and more.

I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy what we went through.

Stop minimising what he is doing. You can't accidently chuck toys at someone or scissors, for example.

I happily remarried to a man the opposite of the ex and my later father.

It is better to be alone than miserable.

Oh, and the fact he wants to move and likes to frequently is abuse. He wants to isolate you from others so you don't have roots

Please leave. I never once regretted it even though we went through hell.

Mine were 15, 13, 11, and 4 when we left. Don't risk him turning on yours when they get older

The link for womens aid

www.womensaid.org.uk/