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Original poster

Counsellor taking husband's side

93 replies

howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 10:30

We are having marriage counselling, at my husband's insistence.

The first few sessions went ok, I had low expectations but she seemed to understand that we were there for different reason (he wants her to fix our marriage, I want her to help him understand it is over, due to his long history of treating me and the kids really badly)

But the session yesterday was horrendous - she seems to have taken his side, the whole time was just him saying how upset he was that I had suggested leaving, and her sympathising with him.

In the session I felt really stressed and guilty and sort of under attack, but now I'm angry.

I'm tempted to go the next session and say how I feel, but is it worth it? Should I just not bother?

Somehow, he is now the victim and I am the perpetrator?? It is so unfair!

OP posts:
WellPlaced · 19/09/2023 10:35

Counselling isn’t easy. It’s no walk in the park

Some sessions will be really tough but it’s important that you not only talk, but listen and open your mind.

You say you’re tempted to go to the next session and say how you feel. That’s EXACTLY what you should be doing.

MajesticWhine · 19/09/2023 10:38

That sounds horrible for you.
What makes you sure she has taken his side? It is possible to jump to the wrong conclusions when emotions are running high.
You don't have to keep going if you don't want to, but it's normal that there will be some difficult sessions. Keep going if you want to give your point of view to make sure you are heard and understood. I think it might be helpful. But you don't need their permission to end the marriage.

Olika · 19/09/2023 10:39

Speak your mind in the next session.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/09/2023 10:41

You don’t have to go again. You don’t need his permission to divorce him. Anger can very useful and motivating, go see a lawyer and make a plan.

CantFindTheBeat · 19/09/2023 10:41

Is it a good idea to have couples counselling with an abusive partner, OP?

Isn't him pressuring you into attending just a further example of control?

Watchkeys · 19/09/2023 10:44

You're leaving the marriage because you're not happy. You're going to the sessions because you're not happy about leaving him. You're not happy about the way the sessions are going.

Just do what you want to do: walk away.

Why do you think you need to 'help him understand'? Is he somehow... encumbered in understanding 'I'm not happy so I'm ending our relationship'?

Original poster
howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 10:51

I'm so confused to be honest.

I find it really hard to speak up against him, he's a bully.

I finally managed to do that (telling him I want to split) and I've tried to repeat that message in the counselling sessions, but it feels I'm speaking in a foreign language.

She said she thought I was confusing his confidence for control, which is so ridiculous I want to laugh

OP posts:
Jeffreybubblesbombom · 19/09/2023 10:58

Why are you wasting your time having counselling if you want to leave him?
Use your time making plans to leave.
We once went and my ex husband lied his way through every session and the counsellor believed him.
He could charm the birds off a tree.
Just leave and have peace of mind and be happier.

Rainraingoawaycomebackanotherday · 19/09/2023 11:01

Going to marriage counselling is not sending the message that you’re leaving, it’s doing the opposite. If you want him to know you’re leaving then see a solicitor and start the ball rolling with your divorce.

HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow · 19/09/2023 11:02

I really wouldn’t waste your time having counselling if you intend to divorce him.

Whats the point? It’s over, start proceedings and move on with your life.

You don’t have to justify anything to a counsellor or your husband.

Olika · 19/09/2023 11:03

In the very beginning of the next session, state that you will be going for divorce and ask your H what kind is support does he need from the counsellor in this session to understand it. When they try to direct convo towards anything else, calmly state over and over again the same.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/09/2023 11:06

Joint counselling is never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You are not emotionally safe enough in such sessions and as you’ve seen too the counsellor has taken his side. Abusers are master manipulators and if you can be manipulated by him, so can a counsellor (also this person does not understand abusive relationships). You’d be better off planning your exit further from this marriage by contacting Women’s Aid, starting divorce proceedings and no longer attending any joint sessions.

Original poster
howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 11:07

I know many of you are right.

I need to get on with leaving, and stop expecting him to 'understand'

It's just he is so incredibly difficult to deal with.

I thought if I could somehow get him to actually LISTEN to me, it would make him less of a nightmare.

But he's there, babbling his completely deluded version of events, and the counsellor is nodding away making him feel like he's vindicated, and I'm not any further forward in actually getting out of this marriage.

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 19/09/2023 11:09

will this counselling help? Presumably you are going to counselling to mitigate some of his anger about you leaving in the hopes that this makes life easier for the dc and for you. Is there a time limit set? Are you seeing a solicitor? Maybe separate counselling would be better.

op, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can leave if you want to.

TussleBack · 19/09/2023 11:11

You're not helping him to understand that it's over by attending couples counselling. Of course he'd think there's hope with you agreeing to that.

You don't go again, you tell him it's over and you make plans to make the split happen and action them.

TGGreen · 19/09/2023 11:14

He could be the most amazing man in the world and the counsellor could see that too but it's irrelevant when you want out. This is a waste of your time. I don't think he will ever agree with you, there isn't any point in trying.

IslaWinds · 19/09/2023 11:14

Do you think once the counsellor has heard both sides of the story, she may be more helpful?

I don’t think just sympathising with a person is taking their side so much as acknowledging that you are listening to their point of view so long as it’s not always him she is sympathising with.

Did she do the same for you?

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 11:15

@howmanytimes34
Counseling does no usually involve taking a side so it is difficult to speak to that as an issue. Is it all possible however that an unbiased stranger hearing both sides could conclude that you too share some responsibility for the break down of your marriage?

You do not need a counseling for him to accept that the marriage is over. Your filing for a divorce will send that message in a very pronounced way. It seems as though what you want is for him to fest guilty and responsible for the break down of your marriage.. Counseling is not designed to produce that outcome.

Watchkeys · 19/09/2023 11:17

Is it not the case that if he would LISTEN to you, you wouldn't be leaving the relationship?

Murpe · 19/09/2023 11:17

From your first post, I wondered if the counsellor was reflecting his feelings back to him so that he'd feel heard, rather than sympathising as such. So she was acknowledging his feelings IYSWIM, but it appeared to you as if she was on his side.

However that second bit you posted, "She said she thought I was confusing his confidence for control," is a very different sort of statement. I only went to one relationship counselling session (that was enough for me to know what I needed to do), but my understanding is that a counsellor wouldn't usually be appraising and asserting opinions like that.

You say you want him to see that it's over, as if you want this to be as non-hurtful a break-up as possible, but if he is controlling and manipulative, he's likely to be continue to be this way through the break up, separation and divorce. The way for him to see that it's over is by it being over.

Trickedbyadoughnut · 19/09/2023 11:18

This is exactly why couples counselling is absolutely not advisable where there is abuse.

He will never "understand" as it does not fit with his version of events or his delusions about who he is.

You are using up your time and energy to no purpose.

Soonenough · 19/09/2023 11:18

I found the same when I went to counselling with my Ex . I only went to see if there was any way I could live with his betrayal . Also wanted to say to my kids that I did try to possibly stay in a long term marriage . But therapist refered to my angry outbursts and name calling as abusive. Well sorry if I didn't keep a dignified silence when I discovered the creepy underhand things he was doing. He WAS a sleazy bastard and the lying made me angry . So there .
Forget about trying to make him see anything from your point of view . He has a scenario in his head that he believes is correct . Just divorce him , you don't have to give any explanation.

FloweryWowery · 19/09/2023 11:22

Counselling is working for him because he gets to heap all the blame on you and it's delaying you taking the action you need. He's not going to wake up one morning and understand your point of view. You don't need his agreement to leave.

Dogsitterwoes · 19/09/2023 11:22

It doesn't matter if he agrees or understands why you are splitting. No skin off your nose.

Stop the counseling and just get on with it.

He is welcome to go to individual counseling through the process of splitting up if he wants to.

MoonShinesBright · 19/09/2023 11:25

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