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Original poster

Counsellor taking husband's side

93 replies

howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 10:30

We are having marriage counselling, at my husband's insistence.

The first few sessions went ok, I had low expectations but she seemed to understand that we were there for different reason (he wants her to fix our marriage, I want her to help him understand it is over, due to his long history of treating me and the kids really badly)

But the session yesterday was horrendous - she seems to have taken his side, the whole time was just him saying how upset he was that I had suggested leaving, and her sympathising with him.

In the session I felt really stressed and guilty and sort of under attack, but now I'm angry.

I'm tempted to go the next session and say how I feel, but is it worth it? Should I just not bother?

Somehow, he is now the victim and I am the perpetrator?? It is so unfair!

OP posts:
Fallingthroughclouds · 19/09/2023 11:26

You're both going to counselling for very different reasons so it is never going to work. If you are sure you want to leave then I don't understand why you are prolonging it, counselling is utterly pointless. I'm sure he is not a total idiot and understand the words "I'm leaving you".

Original poster
howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 11:52

You have all said different things, and I am nodding along to many of them:

I can see the counselling is unnecessarily prolonging it and giving him false hope
(despite me specifically saying I was only going to try to improve our very poor communication, not because I agreed with him that we needed to 'save our love'. )

He will never concede I have grounds to leave and will remain outraged forever, I was just grasping at straws that he might grudgingly accept it is over

I think the counsellor probably was trying to make him feel heard which is fair enough, but I think it went further than that - she was definitely buying into his 'poor me' narrative, and the reasons I want to leave seem to have been swept under the carpet

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 19/09/2023 11:57

When I was in your shoes, I left part way through a session saying I wasn't prepared to sit there any longer while my ex told lies and the counsellor pandered to him. It felt good. You can't do couples counselling with an abusive person. You just end up facing 2 people abusing you instead of 1. I agree with the PP who said to say you've made your decision and leave your ex to get the support he needs from the counsellor.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 19/09/2023 12:02

Don't have joint counselling with your abuser, they just use it to abuse you further. They will use every trick in their manipulative repertoire to get the counsellor on their side, and some counsellors fall for it. You'd think with their professional training they wouldn't, but some of them do.

It seems that you have been persuaded by your DH to go to these sessions and you don't want to go, so don't go.

If you think counselling might help you, then arrange to go on your own, and preferably a different counsellor, not this one.

CitizenofMoronia · 19/09/2023 12:08

"He will never concede I have grounds to leave and will remain outraged forever, I was just grasping at straws that he might grudgingly accept it is over"

But you don't need grounds to leave, it's not the 1960's if you want to leave just leave.
I had an ex that spent 2 years wanting a REASON I ended the relationship because HE hadn't DONE anything, as though my happiness wasn't enough reason to have ended things.

StorminanDcup · 19/09/2023 12:25

You want him to listen and understand but he hasn’t in your marriage and he’s proving that he won’t be in counselling either. So why waste your time, money and energy?

You think it’ll be easier and nicer if he does understand you. You will feel less guilty if he looks at your reasons and say “ok yes I agree, you have valid points”.

it’s understandable but it’s not necessary.

If I were you I would simply accept the blame (if he wants to throw it around) and say ok yup, it’s my decision, I don’t want to be married to you anymore, blame me all you like for I really don’t give two shiny shits.

What he thinks of you or whether he Lays all the blame at your door or not, is irrelevant. Don’t spend your time trying win an argument with an idiot. It really is a waste

semideponent · 19/09/2023 12:33

"I want her to help him understand it is over, due to his long history of treating me and the kids really badly"

So you want the counsellor to change him? He's not going to change.

It might not be possible both to actually leave him and to get him to understand that it is over.

You seem to want to control how he will react to the ending of the relationship. But that's impossible. Best put your energy into a lawyer and an individual counsellor who will help you work on the right boundaries for yourself and the children.

SpringleDingle · 19/09/2023 12:34

You don’t need him to agree to split.

You can leave the relationship at anytime for any reason.

Go back to counselling or don’t.., it either way take the next step towards leaving. This may be to see a divorce solicitor or to look for a flat. Assume he won’t do a thing to help and just get on with it. He doesn’t need to agree!

coolkatt · 19/09/2023 12:36

just get to a solicitor and get things into action.
ur marriage is over. you have given enough of your life to this man, start thinking about yourself.
he will manage, believe me. they always do.
if you do continue to the councilling sessions, continue to say i don't want to be in this marriage, no matter what suggestions are made. keep going to them if you want (pointless) while you go to to see the solicitor at the same time. start living your life away from this abusive bully.

Original poster
howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 12:38

@CitizenofMoronia

But you don't need grounds to leave, it's not the 1960's if you want to leave just leave.

I know, the rationale part of me that isn't ground down by him knows this, especially when I'm speaking to my family or getting good advice on MN...

but when I'm with him, he just steamrollers me, while looking like a wounded puppy

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 19/09/2023 12:43

OP, counselling is not recommended when there is abuse in a relationship.

Cut your losses, arrange the divorce, and pay as little attention to your STBEXH as possible.
You'll never get an abusive bully to understand anything negative about their behavior.

TripleDaisySummer · 19/09/2023 12:44

Find a solicitor - see where you stand legally then make plans to leave with the kids.

He won't change you need to change how you deal with him - try broken record - nod and continue to say the same thing over and over.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2023 12:48

Don't put yourself through any more of this. Stop. Right now. No more.
Grey rock him. Solicitor. Divorce.

Divorce can be a unilateral decision. You've tried to help him enough, he doesn't have the self awareness to EVER get it, so it's a complete waste of your time. All you're doing is giving him further fuel to think he's right.

Stop.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 19/09/2023 12:56

I agreed to 1 session to help dh accept we were over.. The man (sandals and socks) told me I had hang ups about sex and that's why I didn't want to sleep with dh. No mention of it being because he was a cunt. I found a house and moved out. His problem if he didn't accept we were over..
You really don't need anyone's permission to leave a marriage op.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 19/09/2023 13:10

I thought if I could somehow get him to actually LISTEN to me, it would make him less of a nightmare.
Your counseling experience sounds very similar to my mediation session with stbxh. The triumph of hope over experience. He won't ever really listen because that would involve completely rewriting his view of himself and the world. It will always be your fault, there are no right words that will make his see and he is never going to change.

Stbxh has been telling our DC it's unfair to him if he doesn't get 50/50 and yet I'm the bad guy when I say that there's no point doing mediation when he's already made your mind up. He's really vicious and not even pretending 50/50 is what's best for the kids. It's all these are my kids so I DESERVE 50/50 contact. It's my money and I DESERVE 50/50. It's all about him and only his needs matter. Your stbxh is probably similarly entitled and only cares about him getting what he wants. Your needs, your life, your heartbreak none of it counts. More counseling will just make you feel worse. Tell him you want a divorce and see a solicitor to get the ball rolling.

littleripper · 19/09/2023 13:11

This happened to me, it was Relate and it was absolutely horrendous how she behaved.
DH and I have actually worked it out things for ourselves and he now feels that the so called counsellor was a bully and expressed internalised misogyny.
Appalling.

Bemyclementine · 19/09/2023 13:15

@howmanytimes34 I completely understand you, I spent YEARS trying to get ex to understand that we needed to split, I couldn't work out how he didn't agree. I had counselling on my own, with relate. It really helped me make the final step, and to see that he didn't have to understand or agree and I could make the decision alone.

Original poster
howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 13:38

@Bemyclementine @EliflurtleTripanInfinite @kittybiscuits and others who've been in my shoes, sorry to hear you've gone through it too, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I think the anger I've felt since yesterday is actually a good thing. I've felt so guilty about wanting to leave and no longer loving him.

Seeing it play out with the counsellor was the final straw.

He kept saying "I need how manytimes to tell me it's not over and that she'll give me another chance, I can't cope if she doesn't" and the counsellor just looked at me as if i was supposed to give him the assurance he wanted.

It was surreal

OP posts:
ishouldprobablygettherapy · 19/09/2023 13:42

I personally don't see the point in you paying for marriage counselling ('at his request') if you are certain it's over on your part. You just gotta tell him. It's done, finished. No more no less...
what is counselling going to do if you don't want it to work?

Mischance · 19/09/2023 13:50

Who is paying for the counselling?

A counsellor should be objective and not take sides. .... should listen to both accounts and ask each to consider their position - how they got there, are they open to change of any sort?

However there are often moments during counselling where each feels that the counsellor is taking the "wrong" side and is not listening to their view. You must say so. "I feel that you are being taken in by what my OH is saying when the facts as I see them are very different. I am here because I know the marriage cannot be saved and I need to plan an amicable split. Unfortunately my OH does not understand that for me the marriage is over."

LifeExperience · 19/09/2023 13:51

You're in counseling with your abuser, which is completely inappropriate and unproductive. Find your own counselor to help sort your feelings of guilt. And remember that you don't need permission to leave an abusive man. He's using counseling to manipulate you into staying. Don't let him.

Whattodowithit88 · 19/09/2023 15:09

Well maybe it’s high time you start sticking up for yourself then! Stop trying to please everyone else and justify to everyone else and please yourself. That’s the problem nowadays, women aren’t selfish enough!! They’re told being selfish is wrong on all levels….seems perfectly fine when men and children do it though, they get away with it all the time. Women need to do it just as much and learn that themselves are just as important as others in their family, they are not at the bottom of the pile.

ThelmaBorden · 19/09/2023 15:24

howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 13:38

@Bemyclementine @EliflurtleTripanInfinite @kittybiscuits and others who've been in my shoes, sorry to hear you've gone through it too, and thank you for taking the time to respond.

I think the anger I've felt since yesterday is actually a good thing. I've felt so guilty about wanting to leave and no longer loving him.

Seeing it play out with the counsellor was the final straw.

He kept saying "I need how manytimes to tell me it's not over and that she'll give me another chance, I can't cope if she doesn't" and the counsellor just looked at me as if i was supposed to give him the assurance he wanted.

It was surreal

Anger used as a motivating force will propel you forward, hurtling even

Stop the counselling
keep your head down, smile and nod, plan to do the right thing

remember, even the worm will turn

Counselling is a service for which she is presumably being paid.
Who is the customer here?

your husband is clinging to the wreckage here but presumably your
leaving is to free yourself from feeling responsible for another adult

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2023 15:25

@howmanytimes34

I guess my main feeling would be that I didn't give a fuck if the counselor validated him and tried to make me feel like the 'bad guy' if my purpose in being there was to convince him that the marriage is over. If he wants to think it's over because I'm an unmitigated bitch, go for it asshole, because I know the truth and I don't care what you think.

Besides, even if you are as innocent in the marriage breakdown as the Angel May, he will NEVER EVER see the truth.

So the way I see it you have choices here: 1-carry on being beaten up on hoping that he'll 'see the light' at some point so you can get a divorce, 2-call the counselor and tell her there is absolutely, positively NO hope for the marriage and that you want her to help him see that, without vilifying you, or 3-(and this is my choice) tell them both to fuck off and actually end the marriage.

Telling someone something over and over and over without taking action is the same as saying nothing at all. He doesn't need to agree with you that the marriage is over. He doesn't need to 'see your point of view'. You are done, it is over. See a solicitor and start taking actions. Simple as that. Now, the logistics may not be that simple but at least you'd be moving forward.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2023 15:27

He kept saying "I need how manytimes to tell me it's not over and that she'll give me another chance, I can't cope if she doesn't" and the counsellor just looked at me as if i was supposed to give him the assurance he wanted.

@howmanytimes34

Are you 100% positive she wasn't giving you your chance to say "That's not going to happen?".

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