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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Counsellor taking husband's side

93 replies

howmanytimes34 · 19/09/2023 10:30

We are having marriage counselling, at my husband's insistence.

The first few sessions went ok, I had low expectations but she seemed to understand that we were there for different reason (he wants her to fix our marriage, I want her to help him understand it is over, due to his long history of treating me and the kids really badly)

But the session yesterday was horrendous - she seems to have taken his side, the whole time was just him saying how upset he was that I had suggested leaving, and her sympathising with him.

In the session I felt really stressed and guilty and sort of under attack, but now I'm angry.

I'm tempted to go the next session and say how I feel, but is it worth it? Should I just not bother?

Somehow, he is now the victim and I am the perpetrator?? It is so unfair!

OP posts:

MeMySonAnd1 · 19/09/2023 16:39

Op, if you have already decided you want to split, let him go to counselling alone and spend your money in getting legal advice instead.

I think we watch so much American TV that we seem to have forgotten that you don’t need permission or approval from your ex to split, just start putting your ducks in a row and leave… but leave when the time is right for YOU.

Dery · 19/09/2023 16:41

It’s difficult, @howmanytimes34. You’re leaving because his mistreatment has killed his love for you but he doesn’t want to take responsibility for destroying your marriage. You may get more peace from letting him have his narrative and just moving on with the divorce.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 16:42

My advice

stop telling multiple people about your divorce and fact you’re going to counselling

tell close friends whilst it’s ongoing. Don’t involve others or garner their opinion. It will just make things messy.

Ohambassador · 19/09/2023 16:43

How old are your children and do they know?

TheShellBeach · 19/09/2023 16:52

OP, this thread is very illuminating and helpful. The OP of the thread finally managed to leave her abusive husband. It's inspirational.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave?page=1

Plucking up the courage to leave. | Mumsnet

I've been in a relationship with H for 18 years and last weekend a thread on here opened my eyes to his behaviour. It was like reading a diary of my o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/4572101-plucking-up-the-courage-to-leave?page=1

Cinateel · 19/09/2023 16:52

I had something similar happen when the counsellor told me I sounded controlling. My husband worked 16 hours a day (we had five kids). He told her I was even complaining if he wanted to clean the car on a Sunday morning. He neglected to say it wasn't a quick wash, it ended up being a fine detail valet and a service. It would take seven or eight hours. Neither the counselling nor the marriage continued.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2023 17:15

MeMySonAnd1 · 19/09/2023 16:39

Op, if you have already decided you want to split, let him go to counselling alone and spend your money in getting legal advice instead.

Edited

What does 'American TV' have to do with it? All US states are now 'no fault' states, you don't need to have a reason to divorce.

But if you're talking those Lifetime Channel uber-sickening-romance movies, I agree, they are shite.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/09/2023 17:19

@howmanytimes34

He has told people that I want to leave him but that he is doing everything he can to stop that, including counselling

Let him spout his shite, who cares? Remember, "them that minds don't matter and them that matters don't mind". The people who know and love you will support you no matter what.

AlexandriasWindmill · 19/09/2023 17:29

I've been in your situation. You don't need to go back to the counsellor. You can however feed back to her in writing that you were unheard, unsupported and that you realise now they should have suggested individual counselling when they saw the dynamic of your relationship. They are supposed to report back to their mentors and it means you're flagging at both levels that they messed up.

Ezzee · 19/09/2023 17:40

You really don't need to go back OP and I say that as a therapist.
If it's over then it's over, mediation may be needed and individual counselling but marriage counselling when 1 party is committed to leave is a disaster!

It can leave you sat in guilt and feeling complete alone, unsupported and unreasonable.
A counsellor gets a snap shot of the story and when 1 is a manipulator/ controlling or abusive it is not only not recommended but for me completely unethical.

Henryhover · 19/09/2023 17:48

-if he's a bully then why are you still with him? Just leave, I know it's easier said than done but it's for you own good. He sounds like a right arse..

And as for the councillor, she shouldn't be siding with anyone!!!! She should be helping working through the issues and not siding with certain spouses! I definitely wouldn't be going back there but ask to see someone different

Mari9999 · 19/09/2023 22:48

@howmanytimes34
Maybe the counselor was looking at you with the expectation that, he having asserted his thoughts. It was now your turn to articulate your thoughts. The counselor was not their to put words into your mouth; nor could she reflect back that which you did not state.

If you are moved by puppy dog looks, you obviously have not made a firm decision. In your place, I would give him the divorce papers and a puppy treat and move on with my life.

CheekyHobson · 20/09/2023 07:50

It can be hard to get your head around, but bullies don't see themselves as bullies. They see themselves as victims fighting back against those who are persecuting them.

The 'persecution' is usually in the form of

having different opinions and views to them
not giving them what they want
'disrespecting' them, aka saying or doing anything that results in them feeling inadequate
not thinking they are right at all times
believing that they have done something they need to apologise for

One day they can be saying horrible things to you, the next they are crying about how awful and mean you are. So you end up feeling confused. You know they're the bully so how can they be accusing you of being the bully?

It's a particularly clever covert abuse tactic. Abuse someone by misrepresenting them as an abuser.

Creepyrosemary · 20/09/2023 08:33

I think it's also abusive to keep telling someone that you'll leave and then don't. If you mean it then hand him the divorce papers, the written proposal for contact, alimony and how to divide everything, get your suitcase and go away.

He doesn't have to like it or agree with it. You can't control him to do so.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 10:32

So adamant was my dh we didn't divorce he told me I should move out for a year and have some time to myself then come back! He was beyond absolutely fuming I did leave..

User63847439572 · 20/09/2023 10:36

I feel for you and this doesn’t sound right,
I went to counselling in similar circumstances. He is also a bully and I find it so hard to say to him what I really feel as I fear his anger.
I found it hard to be totally honest in the initial session that it was definitely over for me, but then we had an individual session each and I was able to express I was sure, and why.
then in the remaining sessions she supported me to be honest and supported him to try to come to accept it (he didn’t and he didn’t stick with the sessions for long after). She said her role then was to help us transition out of the relationship, to separate well and into a co parenting relationship. She wasn’t as good at calling out his abuse as I think she should have been in retrospect but did comment on the dynamic she observed between us whereby I shrank back and backtracked whenever his tone became stern.

can you speak to her in private before the session? She needs to understand this is not fixable for you,
or find a new counsellor

Greenfishy · 20/09/2023 10:38

I’ve only read your posts, OP.

When I was leaving my abusive ex I considered counselling but all the advice I got was absolutely not, in a psychologically DV relationship. Normal relationship counsellors apparently find that dynamic difficult to recognise and are manipulated by the abuser into supporting them, which sounds like what is going on.

Just leave, and have your own therapy by yourself to heal and prevent you getting into another relationship with a similar dynamic.

Shopper727 · 20/09/2023 10:41

He sounds awful, don’t go back to counselling as you’re getting v little from it whatsoever. Sounds like it’s causing more harm than good to you really. I don’t think you can reason with men like your husband. He’s right and that’s it, the counsellor sounds unprofessional and should be remaining neutral.

leave asap and get on with your life. Not easy co parenting with a man like that though

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