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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My Husband just said “know your place!” In an argument

135 replies

Thefirstime · 18/09/2023 13:01

My husband just said “know your place” in an argument I'm absolutely fuming..

then followed it by saying your a “housewife and a mum”

WTF..

his family have meddled a lot lately and he then becomes distant towards me..

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 18/09/2023 13:37

I don't think it's that unreasonable for him to go fishing in the morning. Personally I don't see why you'd need to ask for him to shift to the afternoon Vs him going first thing.

However the way he spoke to you was disgusting and misogynistic.

MsMarch · 18/09/2023 13:39

To be honest, I'm not sure that going fishing in the morning is such a big deal. But I assume it's part of a much bigger pattern - of him not prioritising you and your DC, of him expecting you to accommodate his plans no matter what your plans or preferences are etc. And the language he used is totally unacceptable.

I think it's also silly to be blaming his family. they may well exacerbate the situation but at the end of the day, he's in a relationship with you, not them.

CambridgeLass · 18/09/2023 13:40

My left eyebrow actually went up when I read that @Alargeoneplease89.

He has no right to say that, you are his equal in every way. What a bastard!

AmandaHoldensLips · 18/09/2023 13:41

Well, at least you know what you're dealing with.

Men like this rarely change, so you're right to think about your future.

Retraining towards a better career path is an excellent idea, and remember not to have any more children with him.

You might also want to think about going on strike - refusing to cook, clean, wash, iron, etc., so that he can get some insight into what his life will be like when you leave.

Maxiedog123 · 18/09/2023 13:43

Better get on with retraining then so not to be dependent on this twit

cannaecookrisotto · 18/09/2023 13:44

I'm sorry but this is the first LTB I've fished out.

An utter lack of respect for you. Fuck that, get rid. What a prize cunt.

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 18/09/2023 13:45

Thefirstime · 18/09/2023 13:34

The context was he wanted to go fishing first thing on a Saturday morning after our son’s first full week at school, I asked that he consider going in the afternoon instead so we get the morning together - he said I was being controlling and he provides everything so I should know my place..

Your place being that he does what he damn well likes and you have to let him.

And he says you are being controlling. Oh the irony.

cannaecookrisotto · 18/09/2023 13:46

*dished, not fished!!

Screamingabdabz · 18/09/2023 13:47

MsMarch · 18/09/2023 13:39

To be honest, I'm not sure that going fishing in the morning is such a big deal. But I assume it's part of a much bigger pattern - of him not prioritising you and your DC, of him expecting you to accommodate his plans no matter what your plans or preferences are etc. And the language he used is totally unacceptable.

I think it's also silly to be blaming his family. they may well exacerbate the situation but at the end of the day, he's in a relationship with you, not them.

Edited

Jeez how to miss the point. 🙄

This isn’t about OP. He told her to fucking well ‘know her place’ - is that not shocking to you? It would be a divorce level incident for me.

ffsrainagain · 18/09/2023 13:47

Sorry OP but I would have completely lost my shit at that comment and replied with something along the lines of "you fucking WHAT?!!" I would not let that slide

bonzaitree · 18/09/2023 13:53

This is unacceptable.

are you going to wait until he gets through therapy to see if he changes. Fuck that.

When does your retraining end?

Is it possible to bide your time, get your ducks in a row and then leave when you have a new job?

GingerIsBest · 18/09/2023 13:53

Screamingabdabz · 18/09/2023 13:47

Jeez how to miss the point. 🙄

This isn’t about OP. He told her to fucking well ‘know her place’ - is that not shocking to you? It would be a divorce level incident for me.

Show quote history

Um, I said the language is unacceptable. And I pointed out that I think this is part of a much bigger issue?

I guess for people who can't extrapolate I could have been more clear that I think this is part of a long-term pattern of abuse. Clearly emotional but I'd put money on it being financial too.

To be fair, I was posting on my phone earlier so it might not have been clear. Also, I forgot that it probably wasn't all under the same username.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 18/09/2023 13:56

I think you made a bit of a mistake in your OP. Don’t you mean, “STBXH”?

FloatyBoaty · 18/09/2023 13:57

LTB

And did your child hear this?

If so, and a daughter, you need to talk to her about the many ways it’s unacceptable for a man to speak to his wife/mother of his children this way, and the patriarchal/misogynistic attitudes behind it. Then demonstrate the self love and self respect you hope she will have one day, by leaving.

If a son- then you do the same. But you leave so that he doesn’t grow up thinking this is okay, and carrying misogyny forward into his adult relationships.

Original poster
Thefirstime · 18/09/2023 14:00

My son lucky enough didn’t hear this.. but has seen him talk to me in certain ways in the past..

I'm so fucking angry and know this cannot continue

OP posts:
Original poster
Thefirstime · 18/09/2023 14:01

He has also told me in the past that I should be grateful as he has pulled me up into the middle classes.. ???? I don’t know either..!

escape is needed!

OP posts:
cptartapp · 18/09/2023 14:04

That would be it for me.
Hit him where it hurts. The relationship is over and he now has sole 24/7 charge of his DC half of every week.
He'd regret ever saying that.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 14:04

The contempt that your husband has for you is shocking. You have got to get your son out of this environment. I fear he's going to grow up to be just like his father if you don't.

rainbowstardrops · 18/09/2023 14:11

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 14:04

The contempt that your husband has for you is shocking. You have got to get your son out of this environment. I fear he's going to grow up to be just like his father if you don't.

I agree

RandomForest · 18/09/2023 14:12

Oh, he's one of those, I've pulled you out of the gutter types.

Always convienient for shutting fair discussions down.

You will never be heard in this relationship.

Yeah I think you should know your place which should be sat in a competant family solicitor's office armed with all the financial information you have.

rasellagirl · 18/09/2023 14:14

A terrible situation for you, but he really is hilarious.

Newpeep · 18/09/2023 14:15

That would be marriage ending for me.

persisted · 18/09/2023 14:18

Ah, so you were worthless before he saw fit to pay you some attention? And now you are so very fortunate that you must cater to his every whim.

I would never move past this. If someone shows you who they are you should believe them.

tothelefttotheleft · 18/09/2023 14:24

cptartapp · 18/09/2023 14:04

That would be it for me.
Hit him where it hurts. The relationship is over and he now has sole 24/7 charge of his DC half of every week.
He'd regret ever saying that.

No cos men like this always have a mum who will do their child rearing for them.

SerafinasGoose · 18/09/2023 14:24

Kin HELL.

When Harry Enfield said it, it was supposed to be a parody! Er, I hope ...