I just have to accept it and give her my blessing to go don't I?

[BecomingtheNRP]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Split with her dad when she was 18 months old. He was abusive to both of us proved in family courts but he still got unsupervised access. DD also has SN and a medical condition.

DD is in denial about her conditions, says theres nothing wrong with her and rejects any adjustments or attempts to help her. She has an EHCP but if the TA tries to work 1-1 with her even outside of class she gets upset and refuses to go saying she doesn’t need to. She can read and write but struggles due to dyslexia and dyspraxia which she denies she has. She hates school and would rather not go. She tells me she hates me for forcing her to go – she doesn’t like a single thing about school apart from playtime, lunchtime and hometime. School keep trying to get her to work 1-1 but no consequences work, she isn’t bothered about anything they do. She’s not violent, and sending her out of the classroom is exactly what she wants, so they just have to leave her.

ExH tells her she’s perfect. He took me to court for contact and originally wanted full residency without visitation for me, he obviously didn’t get it but he still tells DD that I’m the mean woman who won’t let him see her more. With him they sit in the pub his family runs during contact, they have soft play inside and a park outside, she gets free icecream and gets to feel important. She’s been told she wouldn’t go to school she’d be homeschooled so ExH could focus on the pub – he never does any school runs as he says it’s not his choice to send her.

So she’s been saying that she wants to live with ExH. She’s always said it, from when she was 3. I tried to prove parent alienation in court when she was 5 and was basically laughed out of court and told if I tried it again I’d see my residency time cut to 50/50.

She hates me for sending her to school when she knows that ExH wouldn’t make her. ExH wouldn’t get her an education either. I don’t get a single penny in maintenance as he’s apparently a volunteer at the pub and gets no benefits or has any income he lives elsewhere though in a place that needs paying for and he has a car

I know if I had ExHs backing it’d be fine but I hate myself for thinking it but I cannot compete. I’m starting to think letting her go is the best way forward. She is always going to hate me for sending her to school which she hates. It’s a school in general problem as I had to move house between Year 2 and 3 so changed her school and she hates this one as much as the last and she’s in a smaller class and has her own 1-1 support covered by her EHCP. She is going to end up resenting me for it and theres nothing I can do – she doesn’t want to go to a special school, she says theres nothing wrong with her.

I’m giving it until half term then letting her go fulltime to her dad, because I can’t do this anymore, the arguments over her not wanting to go to school, breaking myself trying to force her in so I can earn an income and keep a roof over her head, the tears as I drop her off shouting and hitting me again because she doesn’t want to be there, her teacher calling me yet again to say she’s not even picked up her pencil and they don’t know what to do with her because consequences don’t work.

Didn’t post in AIBU as I know I’ll be slaughtered, but I don’t have any other options do i? She is going to end up hating me and I can’t do that, so I’m doing the only thing I can and letting her go.

I know I’ll never see her again while she’s a child but I have to do whats right for her and school isn’t the right place for her and I need her in school to earn money. At least this preserves our relationship.

God op that's really tough. You sound like a great mum with an arsehole ex.

If she does go to her dad just let her know you love her, see her regularly and let her come back if the grass isn't greener.

Last ditch attempt- would she interact with outreach if it could be offered?
Good luck and take care

@Pottyberry She won't go to school if she's with him so the grass will be greener even if he does do homeschooling (which I doubt).

I'll never see her again while she's under 18 if she goes to him, I know that but I can't keep doing this it's not fair on DD especially.

I will look into outreach, but previously I've been told the child has to want help to get it and she denies theres anything wrong.

Agree to a fortnight trial. You don't need to agree to home school so let him sort that out. He also has to prove she is actually doing work. Suggests you have dd eow and one night during the week.. I let ds 14 stay with ex and be home schooled. No education actually happened and ds came home a year later.

@Freezingcoldinseptember I don't see that happening, DD hates school. We have no issues with her in school holidays or weekends, its literally forcing her to school which is meaning our relationship suffers. She will not accept she needs extra help and school are at a loss because sending her out of class for defience is what she wants, losing going on trips doesn't work she just shrugs and says she didn't want to go anyway, and she's not bothered by lack of certificates or anything.

I know ExH won't teach her a thing, he himself hated school and left as soon as he could. He doesn't even have a GCSE, not that I'm judging that at all many great people have no qualifications at all, but I know no education will take place and that will suit DD just fine.

If she goes ExH will not give her back without a fight and I know it'll be harder to prove in court to get her back to me once she's there. If she goes it's permenant.

I think exh will be in for a shock about homeschooling especially in a pub. They do regular visits and there is a lot of paperwork to submit to. She would have to do work. I give him a week before he breaks and dd gets bored of no social contact. As much as we all hated school we need friends

@Holly03 Our education department do a check once per year, just to see the child still exists they don't check education level or requirements thats done when they want to sit exams by local colleges who do assessment tests and pass that onto the council but there is no legal requirement to do those.

This sounds like a dreadful situation to find yourself in. You are offering what your daughter needs and he is offering what she wants -clearly without the understanding of what it may mean for her future. Is there anyway to get an educational psychologist assessment? Apologies if this has already been done as part of the EHCP. Just thinking that it may be useful to demonstrate to he that you were trying to do the right thing by her. Perhaps look at home school resources that he can use so that you are trying to continue supporting her as you feel he is unlikely to really educate at all.

Does DD have close friends at school? Would she struggle with boredom if she’s left to entertain herself all day every day in the pub garden with no other kids to play with? Assume the weather will turn so the garden won’t be as much fun and the indoor soft play when there’s not other kids having lunches mid week might be dull. A kids getting up to trouble due to being bored won’t be good for customers.

id offer a swap, she can go to his in the week and he can home educate or send her to school, you will have her at weekends. You get the fun bits.

@LimeCheesecake She does have friends at school she says shes never alone at breaktimes or lunchtimes and as we walk to and from school children from all year groups wave or say hi. Her teachers say she's never alone at breaks when they see her.

My daughter was very similar also divorced parents and I moved her to a different independent school for children with dyslexia and other additional needs. 8 children per class and she loves school now.

She now has an EHCP and all school fees are paid by the council.

Might be worth a thought.

My understanding of EHCP's (I'm an HLTA) is that they are a legal document that has to be met. So if he takes her out of school he will have to prove he is meeting the requirements of the plan. Which schools, somewhat equipped with more resources, struggle with.

Wont she think you abandoned her if you let her go to her dad? It does seem like a good solution but just think how hard it will be if she rejects you and levels this against you?

You risk permanently damaging your relationship with your DD if you keep forcing her into school.
Your relationship with her will be far more important for her future than any schooling or GCSE's.

Let her go and live with her father. Pick her up at weekends and go out for fun things like pizza, shopping, ice-skating, zoo, whatever she wants to do.
Make yourself into 'Disney Mum', to use the MN expression.

You need to rebuild your relationship, and let the schooling thing go.

I'd always thought that oif you get an ehcp in a school and then decide to homeschool, the LA do do checks on the homeschooling that is occurring? That you can't just deregister her .

No advice at all but it sounds incredibly tough what you’re both going through and I’m so sorry 💐

If the only problem is school, why wouldn’t you see her if she lived with him?

Surely she can be with him during the week for homeschooling and you at weekends?

She will get bored of being ignored and fed icecream.

Normally I would say she needs to stay with you and in school, but perhaps a year out now when she is still young is the best thing. She can get it out of her system.

This sounds shit op, if you look at doing this I would get in touch with boh school and the education safeguarding team atnthe Council to expkainnthatbthis might be happening against your wishes but if dad has main custody it is he who is stating he will home educate, not you, you are fully supportive of school based education, you are concerned she will not be home educated at her dad's, they need to heavily mentor and any future failings or penalties are to go to dad and not you.

End in any evidence you have to.support this, copies of texts from ex re the home education suggestion, however informal, and all evidence of you communicating and working with school to keep your dd in school / education so that you have covered yourself for action further down the linr.

.. it sounds really tough . I’m sorry.

That’s so hard. Would he actually want to do the minimal amount of parenting he would actually need to do? Or would he get fed up and send her back? would she miss the structure when it was no longer there? Do you think when she’s 10 (the age I’ve heard they can choose for themselves?) , he will go back to court?

I definitely wouldn’t stop seeing her altogether (ever) but could you do an EOW and one night in the week arrangement to preserve your relationship but stop the active parenting (getting her to school etc).

I say this kindly op but hell would freeze over first before I let my dc go to an abusive father.

What's your housing/money situation currently?

Has she ever had any counselling?

You are misinformed. In the UK, LA's are not permitted to do "regular visits" and there is no paperwork to submit. I don't know where you are getting this information from but before you give out such misinformation on home education, try reading the Department of Education EHE guidelines first.

I'd suggest discussing this with Social Care, to get their backing and support, as well as the EHE team. In terms of home education, read up on the Department of Education EHE guidelines, as you need to become informed of what is and what isn't required, should he go down this route.

Is it worth asking for a review of her ECHP?

It doesn’t sound like (on some level) school can meet her needs because she won’t engage, because of how she thinks about herself and her condition.

Which suggests that maybe she needs some specialist support to recognise her conditions and come to terms with them.

Is that at least worth a conversation with school to openly say ‘I’m approaching my wits end, as are you, what can you recommend that will help us move forward from this?’.

I think I’d be asking if they get another EP report done with recommendations of how to teach, support and ultimately discipline her and is it possible to get some kind of counselling to help her come to terms with her diagnoses.

If she goes it won't be me that stops seeing her it'll be ExH stopping her, he's said as much in the past I know if she goes I won't see her again. I will fight to see her as much as I can but I doubt ExH would care or listen and I'd not have a leg to stand on.

I live in a rented place. Small and the cheapest I could get. I can't move again as I'm already at the boundary of the CAO which says I have to live within a certain distance of ExH and I don't trust the courts wouldn't find in his favour so can't risk.

ExH doesn't believe theres anything wrong with her, says she doesn't have SN or a medical issue and its just me putting ideas into peoples heads. I used that argument in court for PA but the judge said he wasn't qualified to make a judgement on it and at the time we were still in the process of getting the EHCP which ExH fought against and the council used his unwillingness against me to refuse to assess, he'd apply for it to be discharged and the council would be more than happy to do so I'm sure.

We had an EP during the original assessment (once I got council to agree to assess) and we had to wait ages for that so I'm not hopeful we'd get one quickly but will look into it.

School are trying their absolute best with her. They'll literally offer her any reward she wants to just have ago or to go with the TA, they even said she could pick her TA and they'd get the training for that TA and DD just shrugged and said she didn't need one. I don't know what else they can do other than say they can't meet need, which they won't do as they're aware DD hates school and I'd have a job getting her into anywhere.