I just have to accept it and give her my blessing to go don't I?

[BecomingtheNRP]

DD is 9, Year 5.

Split with her dad when she was 18 months old. He was abusive to both of us proved in family courts but he still got unsupervised access. DD also has SN and a medical condition.

DD is in denial about her conditions, says theres nothing wrong with her and rejects any adjustments or attempts to help her. She has an EHCP but if the TA tries to work 1-1 with her even outside of class she gets upset and refuses to go saying she doesn’t need to. She can read and write but struggles due to dyslexia and dyspraxia which she denies she has. She hates school and would rather not go. She tells me she hates me for forcing her to go – she doesn’t like a single thing about school apart from playtime, lunchtime and hometime. School keep trying to get her to work 1-1 but no consequences work, she isn’t bothered about anything they do. She’s not violent, and sending her out of the classroom is exactly what she wants, so they just have to leave her.

ExH tells her she’s perfect. He took me to court for contact and originally wanted full residency without visitation for me, he obviously didn’t get it but he still tells DD that I’m the mean woman who won’t let him see her more. With him they sit in the pub his family runs during contact, they have soft play inside and a park outside, she gets free icecream and gets to feel important. She’s been told she wouldn’t go to school she’d be homeschooled so ExH could focus on the pub – he never does any school runs as he says it’s not his choice to send her.

So she’s been saying that she wants to live with ExH. She’s always said it, from when she was 3. I tried to prove parent alienation in court when she was 5 and was basically laughed out of court and told if I tried it again I’d see my residency time cut to 50/50.

She hates me for sending her to school when she knows that ExH wouldn’t make her. ExH wouldn’t get her an education either. I don’t get a single penny in maintenance as he’s apparently a volunteer at the pub and gets no benefits or has any income he lives elsewhere though in a place that needs paying for and he has a car

I know if I had ExHs backing it’d be fine but I hate myself for thinking it but I cannot compete. I’m starting to think letting her go is the best way forward. She is always going to hate me for sending her to school which she hates. It’s a school in general problem as I had to move house between Year 2 and 3 so changed her school and she hates this one as much as the last and she’s in a smaller class and has her own 1-1 support covered by her EHCP. She is going to end up resenting me for it and theres nothing I can do – she doesn’t want to go to a special school, she says theres nothing wrong with her.

I’m giving it until half term then letting her go fulltime to her dad, because I can’t do this anymore, the arguments over her not wanting to go to school, breaking myself trying to force her in so I can earn an income and keep a roof over her head, the tears as I drop her off shouting and hitting me again because she doesn’t want to be there, her teacher calling me yet again to say she’s not even picked up her pencil and they don’t know what to do with her because consequences don’t work.

Didn’t post in AIBU as I know I’ll be slaughtered, but I don’t have any other options do i? She is going to end up hating me and I can’t do that, so I’m doing the only thing I can and letting her go.

I know I’ll never see her again while she’s a child but I have to do whats right for her and school isn’t the right place for her and I need her in school to earn money. At least this preserves our relationship.

@JCWiatt No therapy, she co-operated for the testing though and was told it was to find out if she had a condition that might make her find it hard to learn at school - we have always told her it's not her personally thats the problem it's just that she has something that means she struggles to learn. But she just shuts down and says theres nothing wrong.

I will look into therapy though, no idea how I'd get it for her but I will try.

@BathingBeauty Sendiass are involved as I always speak to them before an EHCP review and I have a case worker from there. She's the one saying that she thinks council will try to pull funding as DD not accessing it, backed up by Senco at school.

Early help discharged us after not even visiting last year, they said that they only deal with families where the child is likely to go into care due to violence in the home, so DD is nowhere near meeting their thresholds.

I was thinking more of mainstream schools rather than special schools. My dc primary school has a nurture room but there are other mainstream primaries that do forest school, soft play etc. Also would your dd be willing to accept help if it wasn't obviously a special needs thing? So if it was Lego club or cooking club and there were a few different children doing it, not specifically children with special needs.

That’s terrible about Early Help. I got them in when DD stopped attending school. They weren’t helpful but I wanted it fully on record that I was doing everything I possibly could.

agree with early help, DS has ebsa and ocd traits so we are getting early help involvement and we are definitely not a violent household.

yiu need help and support getting your DD to a point where she can tolerate school isn’t helpful for either of you, is this school the right one for her

This sounds so hard for you and you’re obviously trying to do what you think is best for your daughter
but
School is basically a one size fits all state apparatus which can cause long term problems to some children. Maybe time away is really what she needs?

My DC hated school and was ‘unschooled’ at home for over a year then we found a different set up.
Her self-esteem blossomed and she developed confidence and more trust in us.
This was years ago and she went back into education later and is now a happy, successful adult.

Oh and not sure if things have changed, but we informed the local authority that we would be homeschooling from a certain date. We had one telephone call and they said they would visit at some point but bever did. So 1 phone call and no other communication in over a year!

Council are withdrawing the funding for the EHCP and once they've done that will apply to Cease/Discharge the EHCP because she's not accessing the funding.

School have referred to CAMHS but think she'll be rejected as she's not bad enough, and they don't have in house therapy programmes. They run ELSA at another local school (with that school, they're in a MAT with the school) but they don't know if they can get her on it, and if they can whether they can persaude her to get on the bus to go.

I'm so sorry OP, that must be really hard.

Does she have a hobby or passion? Could you use this as bribery if she attends school nicely and engages?

For example if she loves animals could you do a volunteer dog walk each evening for a neighbour (assuming you don’t have a dog). Or help at the cat sanctuary.
If she loves swimming then swim for two hours every Saturday and Sunday as a reward.
Or if she enjoys the park say you will do a park crawl every Saturday and visit 3 different parks. Or a sleep over with her friend.
Take up park run with her or a martial art. Or parkour. Camp in the garden or in the living room. Movie night in your bed and a make over.

You may have tried all this already, I’d go wild with my ideas and bribes before I handed her over. If he’s a lazy arsehole he won’t be doing kids sleepovers and park runs.

Appeal the council's decision at tribunal. Not accessing the support does not mean she does not need it.
You could request Eotas (education other than at school) with a PA to be with DD during the day.

Another option is an independent school that offer alternative provision. They are often very different to mainstream schools and children find it much betterm

If the EHCP is removed you could ask the school to arrange a managed move to an independent school.

Could the ‘help’ ie TA etc be backfiring?

Does she find it intrusive / othering / shameful?

If its removed perhaps it would relieve pressure and she might attend school for social reasons which is valuable and she may choose to re-engage at a later date.

It seems she is not disruptive and is popular. Maybe this is enough for now which is preferable to the covertly abusive Disney Dad “homeschooling” in a pub set up option.

My DD had huge issues at school - could barely read or write during primary. School put in loads of extra support and added extra work for her to do at home......so asking her to do more of what she couldn’t do. Our relationship and family life was dominated by her needs. Her behaviour at home was atrocious - angel at school. Thought she had PDA.

She even repeated a year as she was so far behind.

One day we pulled all of the ‘support’ and just let her be.

This look the pressure off. She found her own way. We just kept the focus on living her and her social skills - as determined by her (she is an introvert - possibility Aspergers?).

She bumped through GCSES. Did brilliantly at A level and has just got a First Class degree this summer from a top 10 Russel group uni. Most importantly she has built friendships, has hobbies, travels, and is stable and content.

I have to pinch myself sometimes that we all came out of this alive. I was exhausted and in despair when she was 9. We didn’t push her academically but supported and encouraged her emotionally.

Love wins. Hope you can hold on.

On reflection the pressure on us as parents to ‘fix her’ academically ruined our relationship at that time as it was all consuming and pushed out the safe base loving mother daughter relationship she deserved and we both needed. Once that was reinstated she flourished and found her own level and pathway.

It sounds really hard but at the end of the day she’s only nine and you are her mum. It’s imperative that you show up for her everyday no matter how hard and make sure she goes to school. Even if she doesn’t end up with any qualifications it’s better than getting ‘home schooled’ by her dad by the sounds of things.

You brought her into this world. It sounds bloody hard but the dad is no good and you shouldn’t just get to give up on your daughter.

@236Adf Does she have a hobby or passion? Could you use this as bribery if she attends school nicely and engages?

Yes but bribery doesn't work because if I take it away she just shrugs and says fine, following through just makes her dig in further and just say "I didn't care about it anyway". So I can say "We won't go to the park tomorrow (if it's Friday)" and she'll say "Ok I didn't want to go anyway". Losing or gaining pocket money has no effect either same with things like movie nights.

She did Scouts for awhile but found it to tiring so stopped, and won't do anything else, I've offered Martial Arts, Swimming and Gymnastics she just shrugs. She did Choir at school for awhile and when the Choir teacher said she'd have to stop if she was late for school she said "Ok I don't care that much about it anyway" and was late anyway so got kicked out.

@Billybobranaway I of course will be appealling with the help of school, but it's another fight when I'm already battling with her at home.

@Gloriously Does she find it intrusive / othering / shameful?

She just does not acknowledge her conditions at all, says there's nothing wrong with her and she's fine.

Taking the pressure off is fine until you realise she's in Year 5 and academically a Year 1, she goes to high school in September 2025 and she can't just not work there can she?

Have you tried changing the language you use. You could say your right there is nothing wrong with you but you do have "a" and that means sometimes people with this diagnosis need to do things differently.

I know how hard the fight is and it feels never ending but the right school is 100% worth it.

Have you considered asking for transport? This may help reduce some of the stress on you. Councils try and get away without providing it but she is entitled to it. The organisation Sen jungle has a good article about transport.
Something CAHMS suggested to us was to put the blame on someone else's feet. So we used to say I know you don't want to go to school but the queen said every child has to go to school.

What about Instead of taking the thing she enjoys away for bad behaviour increase it unexpectedly for good. Miss smith said you did x today , you should be really proud so let’s go to the park on the way home. Or miss smith rang and said you were great in maths we are going to camp in the living room together Friday night. I’d be taking up the hobby with her to build a bond too. Karate/judo/taekwondo do etc often run family classes. I’d try and get the belt gradings with her. You can practice as a team at home.

If she goes with her father he won’t bother with her education. So she will enter high school with a year 1 reading age. I’d focus on the bond.

Just a thought but does your ex actually know how much the DLA and child be if it are? My situation is slightly different because my son has challenging behaviours and actually doesn't have a school place. I asked my ex to help more and he said no but he would be resident parent and with the DLA he's be ok doing that. I told him the DLA is only x amount and suddenly he doesn't want our kids as he won't be rich from the disability be if it's

Join some EHCP Facebook groups. You can fight the la. If your child can't access the education that shows different support needed - they can't withdraw the EHCP because what they are doing isn't working. Lots of send parents can tell you what to do and what laws to quote

With your daughter- have you tried removing all demands around education from her? School deal with school, you deal with home. No homework, no pushing her to read or write or practice school work at home? Just, she comes home, chills out, eats dinner and you have time together.

It sounds like both you and she are under a tremendous amount of pressure to get her to 'perform' as a typical child of her age educationally but as you say she is working at the stage of a year 1- does she also need to be treated, educationally, as being at her level? She is telling you that she doesn't feel there is anything wrong, and I wonder if she feels like the TA etc is very othering. Whereas if you and school went down the radical acceptance route- I wonder if that would help her.

Do the fun stuff with her, ask/ tell school to take the pressure off her there and not sanction her for not doing work- that's just setting her up to fail at this point. She may not care about treats being taken away because she believes she will fail to meet other peoples expectations. It sounds like she wants to be treated kindly and listened to and left to just be herself- while homeschooling is clearly not an option for you, perhaps the reduced demands would be.

One thing that stood out to me is you said her dad tells her she is perfect- do you also tell her this? Or is everything she hears from you about working harder etc. She might need to have you in her corner too, telling her she is perfect/ loved/ cared for without the 'but you need to work harder' tacked on the end.

Secondary schools will have SENCO's and be used to dealing with children who are academically behind so don't fret about that yet. That's a worry for 2 years time, not today.

I don't think its best for your DD to be raised in a playground with a man capable of abuse, doing as she pleases, and neither do you.
But you are weary and running out of road. I think you need to take some time to gather your strength before you continue your fight for what is best for your DD, and staying with her father could provide you with space to do this.
I would be very careful of framing this as anything other than a temporary arrangement though. I think this is a case of stepping away from the battle ground for a while, not giving up the fight altogether.

"They do regular visits and there is a lot of paperwork to submit to. She would have to do work."
I'm pretty sure this isn't right.

Stop feeling guilty for sending her to school - you are just doing your job as a decent parent.

It's shit that she hates it and that is being projected onto you - you sound like you are just having a really bad time atm and it's grinding you down.

But you need to soldier on - she WILL thank you for it one day when she is old enough to see what a waster her df is and hopefully realise the kind of life she would've had with him.

And if she still hates/blames you - you can still be secure in the knowledge you did the right thing by your daughter. Kids lash out at the ones who love them most and who they feel most secure with as they know they won't be forsaken. Don't give up on her now