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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please don’t judge. I know I’m awful.

79 replies

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:19

Hello all. Haven’t been on here a while. When I have I’ve always had kind feed back.

ive been with partner on/off 14 years. You may have read in previous posts we have a non verbal autistic son. It hasn’t been my idea to be on and off when it got tough for my ex as from Friday night he left every time with out an explanation but obviously he was on dating sites seeing/sleeping with other girls. Even when we were together he did this but said because at the time I lost my younger brother I was just mad and at the time believed him. Well a lot has gone on. When I get upset and he thinks I’m starting he gives silent treatment all of that. I’m really trying to make this as short as I can,sorry if it’s to long.
well me and him have been getting on ok. Friday night well let’s just say I turned in to someone I never want to be again. I amd so ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour. He lies a lot but when I catch him out obviously it’s all in my head. He has This girl “friend” even took her on holiday last year but of course “just friends” I have no proof as of anything went on? For so many years I have kept my mouth shut as if I say I’m upset I’m starting which I’m honestly not I would just like my feelings to be heard, certainly not argue. Friday night h was just going on how this “friend” really understands him and I would never understand him like her and there’s more to it and I lost it and I’m so ashamed to admit I hit him in the face a few times. This is not me at all. I’ve never done this and I don’t condone any violence towards anyone no matter what. No one has the right to do that. He obviously is very upset and rightly so and I’ve actually realised I can’t carry on being with this person anymore. But I also am struggling with me being like that. I actually feel like such a terrible person. If you’ve read this far I thank you. I think I just need to write this down. Please don’t judge as I feel like the worlds crappiest person right now. Has anyone else
done something like this and how did you manage to forgive yourself?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/09/2023 16:26

You shouldn't have done it...you know that.

It sounds like he is effectively cheating on you constantly and when you object to this he turns it round on you and makes out you're the one who is unreasonable/crazy. On top of this absolute head fuck, you are caring for a disabled child. He has been treating you appallingly for years and you finally snapped.

I think this relationship has run its course

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:31

thank you for not being mean firstly. I know I’ve done a wrong thing. I’m really struggling with it myself as I have never done anything like this. I know it’s done and that I’m ok with. Me acting like that I’m not ok with at all. He’s now saying he can’t see his son as he fears for his safety. I can honestly say I never will do this again as the guilt I feel is terrible. No excuse at all but it was like all the anger had come out as I’m so “used” to keeping quiet in case he gets upset it all came out but still no excuse.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 16:37

Well you shouldn't have hit him and you know that yourself.

That being said, you need to get out of this toxic relationship. No good is coming from you being stuck with him.

SofiYol · 17/09/2023 16:39

Google reactionary abuse.

He is vile, but violence isn’t ok. This “relationship” needs to end.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:41

It’s definitely ended and like I said I’m ok with that. Me being the way I was Friday night is not ok. No one has the right to do that at all. I’m 42 and have never done anything like this! I’m so ashamed of myself I really am.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 17/09/2023 16:42

Leave him for good.

coldcallerbaiter · 17/09/2023 16:44

You were pushed and you snapped, it was emotional abuse. Not sure what you can do now though, maybe aologise for the hitting part, which is wrong. I hope you are ok too and have some support to eventaully leave. I have seen threads on here where mumsnetters help you plan step by step leaving plans, maybe read those and get some tips.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:47

I’m definitely leaving for good now. As right now I don’t like myself very much. There is a lot more to the story. Just crazy things really. It’s stuff that’s so silly. Like I watch tiktoks. Mainly family’s with autistic children as it’s nice for me to know that I’m not alone and see how they do things and have the same struggles. He’s on there with 2 accounts mainly looking/following girls with no clothes on but he says he’s on on there. Age said someone nicked his WhatsApp profile pic. It’s him but he just lies about the most pointless things but again that’s all my fault

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 17/09/2023 16:49

He sounds absolutely rubbish and I’m glad you’re ending this harmful relationship.

Hitting him was wrong - I agree it sounds like reactionary abuse to the emotional abuse he’s been putting you through.

MiniTheMinx · 17/09/2023 16:51

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:41

It’s definitely ended and like I said I’m ok with that. Me being the way I was Friday night is not ok. No one has the right to do that at all. I’m 42 and have never done anything like this! I’m so ashamed of myself I really am.

I don't think you have anything to feel ashamed for. It sounds as though you have put up with years of cheating and emotional abuse. With the best will in the world even mother Theresa might snap. And between you and me......I might have done the same. To be cheated on and then told you are mad and imagining things is enough to tip any sane person over the edge eventually. The only thing you need to hold yourself accountable for is why have you put up with this for so long. You haven't deserved this abuse and gaslighting, so pick yourself up, walk away and never look back, and most certainly don't apologise to this nasty excuse for a man.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:51

I have apologised but I don’t want to carry on being in this “relationship” but I know from what I did I also don’t want to be that person. Like I’ve said on previously posts our son with autism and my now ex’s dad calls his own grandson a spastic and that makes me so angry! But my now ex said hos dad can say what he wants as back in his dads day there wasn’t kids like our son! And when I say I don’t like how he talks about his own grandson I’m in the wrong.

OP posts:
Nemesias · 17/09/2023 16:52

Oh it was a reaction, that’s ok then. If a bloke said he hit his wife because of something she did - is that ok? She drove him to it eh. The double standards are something else on here.

you need to seek help for your anger and stay out of this or any other relationship until you’ve worked on yourself OP

Comedycook · 17/09/2023 16:53

Nemesias · 17/09/2023 16:52

Oh it was a reaction, that’s ok then. If a bloke said he hit his wife because of something she did - is that ok? She drove him to it eh. The double standards are something else on here.

you need to seek help for your anger and stay out of this or any other relationship until you’ve worked on yourself OP

I'm not condoning it but if she's reached her 40s without ever being violent to anyone in her life before this, then no, I don't think she has an anger problem.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:54

Thank you so much for being so kind! You’ve actually made me cry. Thank you for being so understanding. I get what you are saying but what I did isn’t right what so ever. I just don’t get it! Il so used to keeping my mouth shut as I don’t want to upset him but I think I snapped as I’ve had enough but saying that being violent is never ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:56

No I’m not saying what I did was ok at all! If he had done that to me I would be absolutely mad! I have an 28 year old daughter and would never want her to do what I did or condone anymore to treat her this way. I expected your opinion and I totally agree. I’ve never once said that hat I have done is right.

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 17/09/2023 17:00

You really really need to end this “relationship”.

Hitting someone is never the right answer and you know that. Learn from your mistake and move on.

I can’t believe you’ve endured this torture for all these years. You deserve better and ditching this twit will be the first step in the right direction. I’d also have no contact with ahole grandad. If you don’t have anything to do with him, you won’t have to hear him being so disgusting about his own grandchild.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:02

I don’t have any contact now with my sons grandad. My sons dad however likes telling me what his dad says about our son. And like the idiot I am I have kept my mouth shut even tho what he says about my son is so disgusting but I’ve done it so my now ex doesn’t get upset! I know silly me but believe it or not I have tried to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/09/2023 17:05

My sons dad however likes telling me what his dad says about our son

He is very cruel and emotionally abusive

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2023 17:06

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:51

I have apologised but I don’t want to carry on being in this “relationship” but I know from what I did I also don’t want to be that person. Like I’ve said on previously posts our son with autism and my now ex’s dad calls his own grandson a spastic and that makes me so angry! But my now ex said hos dad can say what he wants as back in his dads day there wasn’t kids like our son! And when I say I don’t like how he talks about his own grandson I’m in the wrong.

Do not let him use this as an excuse for not seeing or caring or paying for his son

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:09

I have tried saying this in the most kindest way to prevent an argument but like my now ex has always said his dad can say what ever he wants about our son. And none me I know I’m weak for not saying anything. But I’ve done it because I don’t actually like arguing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:10

He probably will use this as an excuse to not see our son he’s already said so but I get he’s angry as what I did was completely wrong.

OP posts:
StorminanDcup · 17/09/2023 17:16

Meh, I personally think he had it coming.
An emotionally abusive cunt got a couple of slaps in the face? So what. Sounds like he’s continually gaslight and dragged your mental health and self esteem down to the lowest it could be, purposefully provoking you with his girl “friend” comments about how she understands him and having a creepy second account so he can perv over women online but lies and denies what you can see with your own eyes literally in front of you.

I don’t condone going round whacking people but if the person concerned is clearly a piece of shit then I think allowances are made.

OP forgive yourself, take it as a lesson. A lesson on never putting yourself in a position where someone can obliterate your self worth and mental stability again.

Don’t get into any further discussions with him about it - if you’ve apologised for it and the relationship has ended then that’s it. No need for recriminations and self flagellating.

Original poster
Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:21

Thank you! I knew I was going to get comments how I’m in the wrong. And rightly so! I’m in no way saying what I did was right at all! I’m struggling with it all myself as I’ve never been like this! I lost my brother 5 years ago and yes I admit I struggled but he always said it was in my head and I believed him! I know what a prat right! I will also admit that hen our son got diagnosed with ASD at 3 he l ft me that night as he didn’t want a child with that and again I still have lol him back. I know this is all my fault.

OP posts:
feelingfree17 · 17/09/2023 17:26

Reactive abuse
You have been pushed to your limits. Not excusing it, and you know it was wrong, but we can all snap under extreme provocation.

Fluffyrug191 · 17/09/2023 17:27

Going against the grain but he absolutely fucking deserved a punch. Gaslighting cunt. Get yourself some anger and some self respect and kick this cheating piece of shit out of your life he is treating you as a doormat and for the first time in 14 years you decided not to let him. Bloody good for you, he can be as upset as he wants this is his doing.