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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don’t judge. I know I’m awful.

79 replies

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:19

Hello all. Haven’t been on here a while. When I have I’ve always had kind feed back.

ive been with partner on/off 14 years. You may have read in previous posts we have a non verbal autistic son. It hasn’t been my idea to be on and off when it got tough for my ex as from Friday night he left every time with out an explanation but obviously he was on dating sites seeing/sleeping with other girls. Even when we were together he did this but said because at the time I lost my younger brother I was just mad and at the time believed him. Well a lot has gone on. When I get upset and he thinks I’m starting he gives silent treatment all of that. I’m really trying to make this as short as I can,sorry if it’s to long.
well me and him have been getting on ok. Friday night well let’s just say I turned in to someone I never want to be again. I amd so ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour. He lies a lot but when I catch him out obviously it’s all in my head. He has This girl “friend” even took her on holiday last year but of course “just friends” I have no proof as of anything went on? For so many years I have kept my mouth shut as if I say I’m upset I’m starting which I’m honestly not I would just like my feelings to be heard, certainly not argue. Friday night h was just going on how this “friend” really understands him and I would never understand him like her and there’s more to it and I lost it and I’m so ashamed to admit I hit him in the face a few times. This is not me at all. I’ve never done this and I don’t condone any violence towards anyone no matter what. No one has the right to do that. He obviously is very upset and rightly so and I’ve actually realised I can’t carry on being with this person anymore. But I also am struggling with me being like that. I actually feel like such a terrible person. If you’ve read this far I thank you. I think I just need to write this down. Please don’t judge as I feel like the worlds crappiest person right now. Has anyone else
done something like this and how did you manage to forgive yourself?

OP posts:

Fahbeep · 17/09/2023 18:12

In relationships with coercive control and manipulation, it is recognised that a slow burn leading to a snap can happen where the mistreated person attacks the abuser. I think this is what happened here. Years of mental abuse and emotional bullying causing a snap. I think you need help / counselling, but you need this person out of your life save as to co parent if possible. Don't let him use guilt and shame about what happened as devices to control you in the future. Good luck.

Alopeciabop · 17/09/2023 18:18

Omg this is really painful to read - you’re so battered down by this guy that you’re on here rambling on about what a horrible person you are because you gave him a smack. I’m not normally tough love but in this case you really need to get a grip.

you said you have no proof he actually cheated - the dude pissed off on holiday with another woman, goads you, his a shit partner who gaslights you and on and on. You don’t NEED proof. Even if he hadn’t actually cheated on you he’s STILL SHIT.

do stop going about how you’re a horrible person and it’s out of character etc. if you’re actually rid of him now is the time to pull yourself together and sort your life out so you don’t fall back into being with him or someone equally as soul destroying!

if he isn’t in fact your ex then norms the time to pull yourself together and get rid of him for good. He’s a prick.

if you went out of character to whacked him in the face I’m betting that’s your body taking over and fighting to get you away from this guy. Please listen.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 18:21

Thank you for your reply. It’s definitely done. I’m tired of it all now. And what you have said is completely right. As much as I’ve said yes I hate myself only because this isn’t like me and I don’t want to be like that never will again. It’s shook me up! Didn’t realise I had that in me tbh.

OP posts:

LifeExperience · 17/09/2023 18:23

You recognize that you've made a mistake, you're sorry and it won't happen again. Now, put the past in the past and move on with your life. Dwelling on your past and especially the mistakes in your past doesn't help anything. You can't change it. All you can do now is move forward with being the best mum you can be to your son and that involves having as little direct contact with your ex and his abhorrent family as possible.

AbbeyGailsParty · 17/09/2023 18:29

The turning everything round onto you, the pointless lying etc.. is all part of the abuse. He knows you’ll eventually leave and wants to be able to say she did this, she screamed that. My exh did the same goady behaviour.
Leave as soon as you can, make a necessary contact very formal by email.

Practice imagining him as cigarette ash, even if you don’t smoke, and flick that ash away every time you think of him.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 18:36

Didn’t think of it like that but thank you very much. I know this might have seemed like me feeling sorry for myself post it wasn’t at all. I know what I did was wrong but I’m also a believer in just because someone’s done you wrong doesn’t mean you have to do the same thing in which I’ve done for so many years. I don’t want sympathy as what I did was incredibly wrong. I know that. But thank you all for supportive messages. Means a lot.

OP posts:

StopStartStop · 17/09/2023 18:40

Anyone can make a mistake, and you live under permanent stress.
Make sure he is the ex. You don't have time for his nonsense.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 18:44

He’s definitely the ex! Unfortunately it had to be that did something incredibly stupid to make me realise that! All those years of his behaviour o didn’t! That’s my fault I suppose

OP posts:

NotWastingAnymoreTime · 17/09/2023 19:00

I 100% agree with Storm and Fluffy. Yes hitting somone is not the right thing to do unless it's self defence. But I don't care a single bit that this guy got hit. What a nasty piece of work. One of the highlights of school was seeing a bully get what was coming to them.

Don't let this effect you long term. This single incident doesn't define who you are.

Now he doesn't want to see his son as he is 'scared'. Tbh he doesn't seem like he likes his son much anyway. God only knows what he'd say to your son when you're not around.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:05

Thank you again. I’m really trying not o not be so hard on myself. Yes I know as a 42 years ok woman I’ve never ever done anything like this so I suppose that’s what I’m beating myself up I suppose. As my son is non verbal he can’t express what his grandad says as I still after eveything allow him to there as my ex lives with his parents but my ex tells me how his grandad finds my son “annoying” and as a 9 year old shouldn’t be watching pepper pig! So what!!! He’s happy that’s the main thing. And like I’ve said I’ve always kept my mouth shut as I’m not allowed to say that’s wrong. But I’ve had enough. My son can’t speak yet for himself but I will always stick up for him. Just taken me a while

OP posts:

Dogsitterwoes · 17/09/2023 19:17

Oh fuck him.

Yes, violence is wrong, in theory, but it's not always black and white. Did you injure him? I assume not.

Do you think he feels guilty for his years of abusive behaviour towards you? No. So give yourself a break about a few seconds of retaliation that hurt nothing more than his pride.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:21

Apparently he has some bruises?? Not sure as I’m really not that tough! I’ve never had a fight in that way in my life! He’s off on holiday Tuesday with his mum and dad and he deserves that break. He finds it stressful having a son with autism.

OP posts:

Cupcakekiller · 17/09/2023 19:27

Was your son in the house when this happened? If your ex reports it, you risk SS getting involved.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:30

He was asleep and thankfully didn’t wake up. This is another reason I’m so ashamed. He did threaten to rind police but hasn’t done so.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:32

Btw never have been arrested in my life or done this. My son goes to a specialist school hen in the past when we were on a break he had said he will go take my son out of school to be nasty to me. My son is quite safe thank you. Would never ever put him in danger what so ever

OP posts:

PineappleActivate · 17/09/2023 19:39

You say there's more to this and you shouldn't share that here but from what you've said already he pushed you to your limit and you snapped. No one condones violence but forgive yourself. Unless you punched him I can't see how he'd have bruises and to have proof he'd need photos. He's bluffing about going to the police. It can't be easy having a son with non communicating autism for him but then it's probably not easy for you either. You're best rid of your ex.

Cupcakekiller · 17/09/2023 19:40

I'm not saying you put DS in danger, just pointing out that SS may be involved if your ex reports to police.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:43

Thank you for your reply. He just said he had some bruises? I don’t know how true that is? But like I’ve said condom one should lay a finger on anybody. I did admit you punch him a few times there’s no point me lying as this isn’t a list for me to get sympathy. I know my actions were wrong. But like I’ve said I’m struggling as I’ve never ever been like this towards anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:44

I know. I just wanted to point out that he was completely safe and unaware of high il so thankful tho as I think I would have felt even worse

OP posts:

Wearewhoweare · 17/09/2023 19:48

He drove you nuts. Its that simple. It was a long time coming, and you lost it. Obviously this isn't OK, but it shows this relationship needs to end as its turning you into someone your not. You should be with someone who brings out the best in you, you need to thrive. You will look back at this one day and realise it was so unhealthy. What sort of guy winds his partner up on purpose the way he's done.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/09/2023 19:48

The main way to forgive yourself is to 100% end it with him

I don’t judge you at all !
Violence isn’t acceptable we know that , and you lost your shit

but i struggle to judge you for losing your shit to be honest
he’s a xxxt

I know it’s hard as your trying to co parent but please end it with this cheating man

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:50

Right now not thinking of a relationship. But I know this isn’t how I want to be or being with someone like this. As much as my behaviour was absolutely wrong in a way it’s made me wake up. I hated me Friday night doing that.

OP posts:

WonkyDesk · 17/09/2023 19:51

We all make mistakes and you're aware you shouldn't have hit him.

Saying that, I can understand where it came from that you were pushed and goaded.

How are you doing right now?

Go easy on yourself.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 19:52

Thank you. I can honestly say I’m done. I hate the way I’m feeling and like so many other wonderful woman on here are saying he’s never given a shit about how he’s treated me but I’m not like that at all. I shouldn’t act that way because he’s been nasty. I should know better. Thank you tho.

OP posts:

FindingMeno · 17/09/2023 19:52

Hey, you shouldn't have hit him, and you know that.
But in chastising yourself, don't lose sight of the fact he's an arsehole.

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