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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please don’t judge. I know I’m awful.

79 replies

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 16:19

Hello all. Haven’t been on here a while. When I have I’ve always had kind feed back.

ive been with partner on/off 14 years. You may have read in previous posts we have a non verbal autistic son. It hasn’t been my idea to be on and off when it got tough for my ex as from Friday night he left every time with out an explanation but obviously he was on dating sites seeing/sleeping with other girls. Even when we were together he did this but said because at the time I lost my younger brother I was just mad and at the time believed him. Well a lot has gone on. When I get upset and he thinks I’m starting he gives silent treatment all of that. I’m really trying to make this as short as I can,sorry if it’s to long.
well me and him have been getting on ok. Friday night well let’s just say I turned in to someone I never want to be again. I amd so ashamed and embarrassed about my behaviour. He lies a lot but when I catch him out obviously it’s all in my head. He has This girl “friend” even took her on holiday last year but of course “just friends” I have no proof as of anything went on? For so many years I have kept my mouth shut as if I say I’m upset I’m starting which I’m honestly not I would just like my feelings to be heard, certainly not argue. Friday night h was just going on how this “friend” really understands him and I would never understand him like her and there’s more to it and I lost it and I’m so ashamed to admit I hit him in the face a few times. This is not me at all. I’ve never done this and I don’t condone any violence towards anyone no matter what. No one has the right to do that. He obviously is very upset and rightly so and I’ve actually realised I can’t carry on being with this person anymore. But I also am struggling with me being like that. I actually feel like such a terrible person. If you’ve read this far I thank you. I think I just need to write this down. Please don’t judge as I feel like the worlds crappiest person right now. Has anyone else
done something like this and how did you manage to forgive yourself?

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:28

I know. But still doesn’t make what I did was right. I know he’s been a compulsive liar but o really should know better than this.

OP posts:

BigPussyEnergy · 17/09/2023 17:30

StorminanDcup · 17/09/2023 17:16

Meh, I personally think he had it coming.
An emotionally abusive cunt got a couple of slaps in the face? So what. Sounds like he’s continually gaslight and dragged your mental health and self esteem down to the lowest it could be, purposefully provoking you with his girl “friend” comments about how she understands him and having a creepy second account so he can perv over women online but lies and denies what you can see with your own eyes literally in front of you.

I don’t condone going round whacking people but if the person concerned is clearly a piece of shit then I think allowances are made.

OP forgive yourself, take it as a lesson. A lesson on never putting yourself in a position where someone can obliterate your self worth and mental stability again.

Don’t get into any further discussions with him about it - if you’ve apologised for it and the relationship has ended then that’s it. No need for recriminations and self flagellating.

Totally agree with all of this and would say the same to a man being taunted and abused tbh, especially if the person who got hit was also ok with their child being called ableist slurs and was also ok leaving them in the sole care of the person who hit them.

OP he’s a cunt and don’t let anyone tell you any differently. My sympathy remains with your child and with you for putting up with this arsewipe for so long, not with him for getting a well deserved slap in the face for his cruelty.

Fluffyrug191 · 17/09/2023 17:30

He deserved it. Did his cheating hurt you any less than a slap in the face? Taking someone on holiday?? What the actual fuck. Stop apologising and be angry!!

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:32

Thank you. I don’t deserve and certainly wasn’t coming on here for anyone to be nice to me. I knew I was going to get comments and like I’ve said rightly so! Just because he’s been an arse to me doenst make it right what I did. And that’s what I’m struggling with. But I thank you all for not judging me and being kind.

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 17/09/2023 17:32

I divorced my husband, after being goaded by his infidelity for 4 years, I never hit him, but I realised I was turning into a very angry person, who I didn't want to be. I had never experienced such anger, and it shocked me, it was like a surging feeling coming up from the floor through my body until it felt like my head would explode. I know that sounds over dramatic, but I cannot describe it any other way. I realised I had to remove myself from the situation, or my children would suffer.
It sounds like you need to cut him loose, he is driving you to do things you regret, possibly on purpose to give himself the excuse to be a shit parent. "He can't see his son, as he fears for his safety"
Don't dwell on how you reacted, just move on.

Redebs · 17/09/2023 17:33

I'm against violence, but after the disgusting, abusive treatment you have had from him, think you have shown amazing restraint.
Get this relationship ended before you finish up to having to build a new patio.

Frogger8395 · 17/09/2023 17:42

An emotionally abusive cunt got a couple of slaps in the face? So what.

I agree.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:43

I’ve got a 20year old boy who’s amazing and an 18 year old daughter. Also I have my son who’s 9 non verbal ASD with social communication disorder. I think what I’m struggling with is I’ve always told them no one should ever lay a hand on you as I want them to know that and I’ve done what I preach! I’m the worlds shittest mum!

OP posts:

ilovemyspace · 17/09/2023 17:46

Oh it was a reaction, that’s ok then. If a bloke said he hit his wife because of something she did - is that ok? She drove him to it eh. The double standards are something else on here.

you need to seek help for your anger and stay out of this or any other relationship until you’ve worked on yourself OP

There's a world of difference between a woman hitting a man and a man hitting a woman! i.e. the difference in strength and a difference in the reason why

( I'm going to modify the following with the word 'usually')

A man will hit a woman because he wants to dominate, intimidate and because he knows he is safe hitting someone physically weaker.
A woman will hit a man because she has been driven to frustration - she knows that she won't really harm a bigger and stronger person, but she needs to express her frustration.

OP, you've done what others would have done under similar provocation! Please don't beat yourself up - and know that your partner is now going to make you feel guilty because he has the 'moral high ground' (supposedly!)

Well, just hold your head high and now that you've got some of the anger and frustration he's caused you out of your system, don't waste time in blaming yourself. Just look at it as a wake-up call and get rid of the dead wood in your life xx

instantick · 17/09/2023 17:46

i would of beat the emotional abusive arse a long time ago x girl do yourself a favour for the best...NEW CHAPTER xx

instantick · 17/09/2023 17:48

also im here in my angry stage due to my daughters dad currently cheating time to do whats best for you x i cud go n do out of character things its/their not worth it x

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:49

As much as he’s been an arse hole and I get what you are saying I should never have done that! I have never been like this and I can honestly say never will want to be like the way I acted again.

OP posts:

ilovemyspace · 17/09/2023 17:49

@Jayneport81 I think what I’m struggling with is I’ve always told them no one should ever lay a hand on you as I want them to know that and I’ve done what I preach!

There are no absolutes in life!! ( And you are not the shittest mum by a long mile!! )

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:51

Thank you for your kind words! I don’t deserve it. I know what I did was wrong. It’s strange isn’t it they can do what they want and we put up with it and when I’ve done such an awful thing (which I’m not proud of) we always feel bad.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 17/09/2023 17:53

If only you'd flicked him in the nuts as well!

He emotionally abused and gaslit you for years.
Like shaking a bottle of pop, the lid will blow at some point.

You don't need him, love.

ilovemyspace · 17/09/2023 17:53

@Jayneport81

As much as he’s been an arse hole and I get what you are saying I should never have done that! I have never been like this and I can honestly say never will want to be like the way I acted again.

Fair enough and you've learned a lesson then - probably one that teaches you to go nowhere near people like him again.

If your friend told you that's what she'd done, would you be as hard on her as you're being on yourself? x

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:54

thank You! Feel it tho! I have a disabled son and I’ve acted like that! It’s actually disgusting.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:55

if I’m honest I might have said he deserved it but would still say that was wrong. I think that’s what hat ok struggling with. I do not condone any violence and never have.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:56

Thank you. Very kind but I still did wrong.

OP posts:

Butterkist8 · 17/09/2023 17:56

I won't condone what you did but he's been abusing you for a long time and you seem to be the sole cater for a son with difficulties.
Your 'ex' ( I truly hope he now is) has driven you to the brink and you have snapped.

Please take this time to find a way of healing as your son really needs his mum now. Get therapy if you need but please don't carry this burden with you as it won't help.
You can't turn the clock back but you can find inner peace going forward.

He's a nasty piece of work, as is his father and you and your son are better off without them in your lives.

ilovemyspace · 17/09/2023 17:57

I don't think any of us like to think we're capable of hitting someone. But I reckon we all are, given the right reason or provocation!
There are things in life that are far more disgusting than the way you've behaved. Look at your partner. And his family. x

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 17:59

He’s definitely my ex. Seems so strange and people might not agree but it’s taken me to do such and awful thing to realise I can’t and don’t want this anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 18:00

Try telling them that! They think it’s ok to call my son a spastic. A word I hate btw. It’s disgusting but his parents are right apparently.

OP posts:

FloweryName · 17/09/2023 18:10

You know you shouldn’t have done it but you can’t turn back time so all you can do is move forward.

The best way to prevent it happening again is to put a final end to this relationship. One day you might find yourself with someone who treats you with respect and then you’ll see that that brings out the best in you. It’s not surprising that being treated like shit brings out your worst.

Original poster

Jayneport81 · 17/09/2023 18:11

I understand what you’re saying. But this is so out of character for me! I’m in shock about my own behaviour! That’s not me! My autistic son has meltdowns where he lashes out but I understand that and don’t take it to heart. He’s my wood and as hard as it is with any kids sometimes he’s my world. But I’ve also kept my mouth shut gene I’ve been told my now ex what his dad says about his own grandson! I’ve actually really tried and because of what I’ve done I’m now the piece of shit

OP posts:

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