Should I stay or go, I don't know what to do, please help

[Silvermayflower]

I feel in turmoil and I have done for a couple of years. I have a long term marriage to DH and two teenage dc.

Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, and for the past year has been pretty bad. DH has had a lot of stress and mental health problems, and can be very passive aggressive and moody with me. This has happened throughout our relationship. I also don't feel we have an emotional connection any more and every conversation seems superficial.

Are most people's DHs sometimes moody, passive aggressive, cold etc? I don't know what's normal. Many of my friends and family have said they don't know how I put up with DH, in addition to the moods he does barely any housework, DIY or gardening.

I have ADHD and I know I am very sensitive to people's moods, so I don't know if I am the problem or if it's my DH. My mind is constantly whirling with thoughts of leaving, but I don't know if I am overreacting. I know that my mind reacts very strongly to stressful situations.

For a few weeks I have been determined that I'm going to leave, then tonight I just looked at the children and thought, how can I break the family up? We would have to sell the family home which would be heartbreaking for all of us. Today was fine, DH was in a good mood so the atmosphere was calmer.

I feel so attached to DH and the family unit, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave,

I just don't know what to do.

It sounds like you know he’s more difficult than ‘normal’ deep down. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The grass isn’t always greener and if you do love him still it’s probably time to sit down and have a frank discussion about how close you are to feeling like you have to leave. That said, you’re not responsible for his actions and moods and if he can’t respond well to that conversation you have to do what’s right for you.

I think you are very tolerant! The impact of seeing your relationship is going to be large, please don’t underestimate how much they see/understand/are affected. It’s not ok that the atmosphere being good depends on his moods. Yes, the upheaval is going to be huge, but are you going to tolerate the atmosphere, his coldness/passive aggression and his lack of doing anything to help forever more? Because you don’t want to sell the house?

@Glint Thank you, yes DH definitely has mental health challenges (anxiety and depression) that seem to be chronic, he's had them since I met him.

It's so difficult to know of the grass would be greener, sometimes the thought of living without DH in a calm peaceful atmosphere with no moods or stress feels like everything I would want, other times I just think of all the disruption and heartbreak it would cause.

I have spoken to him about how I'm feeling before but nothing changed - I think I do need to talk to him again about it.

@Cherrysoup I know, that's exactly how I've been feeling, but then today because DH was being "nice" and we had a few nice family moments, I start to question my feelings. It's ridiculous I know, and I don't like being like this. I am a decisive person in all other areas of life, but with this I feel so undecided 😔

I don't know how I will every be able to feel comfortable with a decision to leave, but I've just been thinking, maybe I somehow need to work on my self esteem so I can genuinely work out what I feel is an acceptable way to be treated by a partner.

Not the way he treats you! You do everything in the house and walk on eggshells in case he’s moody! How do you want your life to look in ten years? Unable to speak in case he’s aggressive? The children cowed by the seesaw of his moods? How much of the time are you happy?

I just wonder if my expectations of relationships are too high. I guess I've always craved a relationship where the man was emotionally stable, but maybe they all have their ups and downs? I know we all have our faults, I'm not perfect either.

The thing that confused me is that DH can be very nice sometimes - today he seems calm, we've had a nice chat, I spoke to him about some problems at work, he was kind and empathic.

And yet at other times he can be dismissive, cold and passive aggressive. I feel so confused and don't know what to do.

@Cherrysoup "How much of the time are you happy?" It sounds pathetic, but really I am happy when he is not stressed and moody at home - at the moment that's around 50% of the time.

It would make a decision easier if he was horrible 100% or nice 100% of the time. And with his mental health problems I think there may always be more ups and downs.

I just find the whole thing confusing and don't know what to do. My situation is not perfect and I am very unhappy at times - but if I left him, split up the family and had to move from the family home, only see the dc 50% of the time and have financial hardship - well that would not be perfect either, and I would potentially be unhappy then as well.

No - your expectations are not too high. It sounds like they’re not high enough.

Remember your DCs are learning that fathers are grumpy and lazy round the house and mothers do all the housework and walk on eggshells to placate fathers. Would you want them to repeat your relationship for themselves? If everyone is asking how you put up with him, that’s a bad sign.

I'm going to say he won't want the dc 50% given what you've said about him.

It sounds to me that you are on a progression to leave sooner or later. One day you will not be able to endure it anymore, then for the sake of your own sanity you will end it.

I too, went through the daily balance sheet check. Was it a good day, or a bad day? Was it bad enough to leave my marriage, or was leaving going to be worse.

I advise three things. Know where all the money is, keep a journal and see a therapist.

in the end as soon as the therapist told me it was him, I knew I wasn’t overreacting and over sensitive. I just needed an authoritative figure to tell me my gut feelings were correct. I then felt I had permission to leave.

@Isheabastard thank you, that all makes sense. That's exactly what I am always thinking to myself - is the situation bad enough to leave my marriage or will leaving be worse.

I feel like I am going mad with the endless conflict inside me - I keep praying to God/a higher power to please just give me an answer, or show me the way forward, as I feel so confused. I don't mind which is the right way forward, I just want a life without this turmoil inside me.

In my mind I have gone through all the options - staying in the situation as it is, leaving and splitting up the family, staying married but living separately, having an open marriage so I could get potentially more emotional consistency/ support from another person. None of those options is ideal.

I will do the three things you mention. I have thought for a while about seeing a therapist, I need to do it as I think it will help to clarify my thoughts and feelings and get an objective view. I feel like somehow I don't trust my intuition on this as I know I can be sensitive, so I think I would be the same as you if an authoritative person corroborated my feelings.

@Isheabastard If you don't mind, could I ask, how was leaving for you? Do you have dc, if so, how did they take it? Did you regret leaving, or feel at peace with your decision?

My Dc is adult. She loves us both very much, but is very torn. She told me a few years back she could never live with her dad, meaning she understood my difficulties with him. But she loves him because he had been very good to her. I’ve made the mistake of pouring my heart out to her when I was in a very low spot. That was wrong and I now try so hard not to involve her.

I wish I’d left 10 years earlier. It’s been a very long marriage. The beginning of the split was awful because he was so, so angry. By then he was used to complete autonomy in the marriage and regarding finances. He was used to me completely letting him have his own way in everything. In the end I feel he thought of me as some kind of irritating and inferior employee who interfered with his unfettered running of his own personal kingdom.

so when I said I was unhappy and asked for relationship counselling his rage was awful. “Fuck off and get your divorce”.

We are still divorcing, but at least I have moved out. He is being devious and underhand about the finances. I am an emotional mess. I’m even scared to even see him. I have lost myself and I have no strength or resilience. I feel demeaned and diminished.

But at no point ever have I regretted ending it. My only regret is not ending it 10 years ago when some of my spirit and confidence was still intact. I have been going to a therapist on and off just to deal with this fallout.

I try and keep my eyes on the prize. A small cottage somewhere with roses around the door and sunshine pouring in. I just want to be free of him and run far away.

Im sorry it’s such a long answer. But when you do your daily checking, which is worse? Leaving or staying? You may need to add in the destruction of your sense of self to the balance sheet if you stay too long.

My ex to be didn’t start off this bad, as I withdrew from him for the small hurts and injustices, he ramped up his controlling and undermining behaviour.

Best of luck.

I was brought up in a family where my father's mood governed everything. I am nearly 60 & it still badly affects me. Don't do this to your children.

"I am a decisive person in all other areas of life, but with this I feel so undecided"

This is so telling, OP. It's because this decision involves him and his behaviour which causes you to never feel like you're on solid ground. And when it's good, you're actually grateful. But it never lasts and you're soon back to being on shaky ground because of his mental state and moods.

The fact you have ADHD and are sensitive to others' moods is neither here nor there. It's not your fault that DH can't regulate his moods and behaviour - you're just the unfortunate person that lives with him where other, less sympathetic, tolerant women would've told him to fuck off.

I could have written your post as am in similar relationship dynamic. I told DP some months ago that I was unhappy and didn't see a future for our relationship. This seemed to scare him somewhat and the moods largely disappeared which has confirmed to me that he knew exactly what he was doing when being cold and moody towards me all this time. Despite the change though I still feel, on balance, that I'd be happier and better off in so many ways on my own. You know what you want and you can trust in yourself - it's DH that you can't trust to do right by you - not yourself.

@Isheabastard Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I'm sorry your DD feels torn - I think it's probably a reflection on the type of man your DH is, it seems difficult for anyone to have a straightforward close relationship with them. It still confuses me that this type of person can be so kind and loving to some people in some ways (you mentioned your DH had been very good to your DD) and yet utterly horrible in other ways.

By then he was used to complete autonomy in the marriage and regarding finances. He was used to me completely letting him have his own way in everything. In the end I feel he thought of me as some kind of irritating and inferior employee who interfered with his unfettered running of his own personal kingdom. - Oh my gosh, this totally describes my DH. It all kind of happened insidiously over the years and has now completely ground me down.

Re your question of which is worse, staying or leaving - it all comes down to the day. When DH is stressed, moody and horrible I want to leave. When he's being nice, I want to stay. So that's why, as you suggested, journalling would be good, so I can see the overall trend, and also seeing a therapist.

I am so sorry to hear things have been difficult for you since you told him you wanted a divorce, but it's good to hear you have no regrets. You are so strong and inspirational to have made this step, and I am sure your lovely cottage and new chapter of life filled with peace and happiness are not too far off! 💐

@Mmhmmn "It's because this decision involves him and his behaviour which causes you to never feel like you're on solid ground."

What you have written has really helped me to clarify why I feel so confused and anxious a lot of the time - it's his behaviour, not mine, and it's so unpredictable. That really makes sense.

Sorry to hear you're in a similar relationship dynamic. I was planning to talk to my DH next week (I have tried many many times before) but this time I really feel that I want him to realise that I am close to leaving. But as you're experiencing, I think that even if he does change, would that make me want to stay? I think I would always feel disbelief that if he was suddenly able to change, that means that he was obviously able to change years ago, so why did he choose to keep being horrible to me? Ļike you say, I too feel that I world be happier in my own in many ways.

I hope it all works out well for you.

I'm glad that's helped to clarify that aspect of your dilemma in your head.
I need to take my own advice... after many weeks of things being fine, DP showed me his other side again today by sabotaging something we were booked to go and do - something I had arranged that would mainly benefit him. And I realised (or remembered) that he's done this in many ways, big and small over the years - i.e. undermined or sabotaged a rare thing that I've arranged by either moaning about it or not getting ready to go in time. I think it's a passive-aggressive control thing.

I hope your DH can change if you talk to him about how his behaviour makes you feel. Going by my experience, changes are very temporary.

@Isheabastard "I try and keep my eyes on the prize. A small cottage somewhere with roses around the door and sunshine pouring in. I just want to be free of him and run far away."

I totally get this.

Op I I understand you.

I'm in the same position, not bad enough to leave not good enough to stay.

I'm blaming my hormones, my life stage a million things but ultimately I know I have to finish my marriage.

I've waiting for GSCEs I've waiting for Uni I've waiting for so many milestones in everyone's life and I'm just sat there getting older and more worn down while I wait.

By the time I do this there will be nothing left of me.

My DH undermines me, puts me in my place, likes to think I he's smarter and more popular than me. He's basically threatened by me and my success and rather than support he just chips away to bring me down to his level.

He will pour me wine when I'm not drinking, make me cigarettes when I'm not smoking, buy shitty food and cakes when he knows I'm in a diet.. people say isn't he so lovely but no no that's not what someone who loves you does, they listen and support not try and drag you to their level.

He criticises my driving, moans about my way of doing anything domestic.. just nit picking that nobody sees.

It's pretty awful I'm fully aware of what his dynamic is and I'm literally just sat waiting for the right time.

My ducks are like a military parade they are so lined up.. waiting.

That's awful and I underhand that as well my DH does this.

I would question whether it really is a 50/50 split of nice v moody.

What does nice mean to you op? What nice things is he doing? I think if you look a bit closer he is just being civil. And you sound really grateful for that. That’s how dysfunctional things have become.

Will your kids really be heartbroken to not have to walk on eggshells round this sulking passive aggressive man? Do your kids have friends round, or are they too embarrassed because dad will be sulking?

Get rid of this lazy emotionally abusive excuse for a husband. The only thing you’ll regret is not doing it sooner.

I'm in the same position OP. Realised last spring we had issues, he vowed to change blah blah blah, things seemed to get better for a while, but now I feel like I'm back to square one. I fantasise about the day I am just by myself with my dd's. Deep down I know I Willis be happier by myself but then you really do question yourself when you have a good day. Today not so good, he got the hump because a friend of mine who he isn't fond of, asked me out for some drinks. He basically told me he wouldn't be happy if I went out with her (she is a bit promiscuous), but why on earth should that stop me from going out socialising with her if I see her as a friend? It's like he thinks I'll be up to no good going out with her.
It's such a difficult decision to make, and even the most level headed person would feel like their head is west. I hope things work out for you OP x

I think @Isheabastard 's advice is great.

You don't have to do anything big right now, but it sounds like it would help you to lay the groundwork to get out and build up your fortitude towards that.

I suppose what I’m trying to say to all of those in the “should I go or should I stay” dilemma, is that unless something radically changes, then sooner or later you will leave.

So change the question to “should I leave yet?”. Each day you can say no, but believe me even if you think you can endure, one day you won’t be able to endure another minute. You will still care about your children, but your own sanity and mental health will tell you that you need to leave. Better a broken home than a broken mum.

Change the question also to “what do I need to do now, so that when I decide I need to leave, I can”

As I said before, know where the money is. If you don’t have a work pension, pay into one if you can, set up a pension, but at least make sure you will get at least a state pension.

Do what you can to preserve your self esteem and confidence. Keep your own friends. Perhaps having a plan and a goal in mind will give you back the feeling that you have some control over your own life.

I did none of the above preparation, but I’d rather be on my own with no money than bullied and belittled for the rest of my life.

Go for it ladies! (When the time is right of course).

Apologies if it’s already been mentioned and I missed it, but would recommend the book ‘Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay’ for clarifying your thoughts. ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go’ by Lundy Bancroft also good.