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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay or go, I don't know what to do, please help

83 replies

Silvermayflower · 15/09/2023 21:54

I feel in turmoil and I have done for a couple of years. I have a long term marriage to DH and two teenage dc.

Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, and for the past year has been pretty bad. DH has had a lot of stress and mental health problems, and can be very passive aggressive and moody with me. This has happened throughout our relationship. I also don't feel we have an emotional connection any more and every conversation seems superficial.

Are most people's DHs sometimes moody, passive aggressive, cold etc? I don't know what's normal. Many of my friends and family have said they don't know how I put up with DH, in addition to the moods he does barely any housework, DIY or gardening.

I have ADHD and I know I am very sensitive to people's moods, so I don't know if I am the problem or if it's my DH. My mind is constantly whirling with thoughts of leaving, but I don't know if I am overreacting. I know that my mind reacts very strongly to stressful situations.

For a few weeks I have been determined that I'm going to leave, then tonight I just looked at the children and thought, how can I break the family up? We would have to sell the family home which would be heartbreaking for all of us. Today was fine, DH was in a good mood so the atmosphere was calmer.

I feel so attached to DH and the family unit, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave,

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
becauseicanthatswhy · 18/09/2023 18:26

OP journal everything!

Set a clean slate and journal his actions and your feelings from now on. Keep it for a month or two then read back and see what the balance is like. We easily forget things and let things go. He journal helps is to remember the good and the bad and helps us to take a more honest view of things

Chocobean · 18/09/2023 18:32

Op, did you manage to speak with the solicitor today?
Just had a convo with dh, he feels like he isn't good enough for me and he tries to be perfect for me all the time. He's gone off for a walk with the dog now with tears in his eyes

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 18/09/2023 18:52

@becauseicanthatswhy that's a really good idea. A pp also suggested something similar and I ordered a journal which arrived today, so I will make a start! It will be good to have everything written down as evidence for myself when I start doubting myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 18/09/2023 19:04

@Chocobean I spoke to someone on the phone and I have arranged an appointment with a solicitor for Thursday. I had to give quite a few details to the person on the phone, and when I got off the phone I couldn't stop crying, I think I just couldn't believe that I'd been talking about getting divorced - it felt so unreal in a way. I still think the whole thing seems like a bad dream, i never thought I'd be in this position. But I guess it's all stepping stones, and taking one thing at a time.

Re what your DH said - mine says things like that too, and sometimes seems sad. Then I start to feel guilty. Its all such a head fuck 😪

I think I have a problem with being too forgiving, my DH has literally said and done some horrible things to me and I have just forgiven him. As soon as he looks sad or struggling, I start to feel sorry for him. I know it's good to have empathy, but I think I have sometimes been too empathic and overlooked my own feelings and needs. There has to be a balance!

OP posts:
Chocobean · 18/09/2023 19:08

Silvermayflower · 18/09/2023 19:04

@Chocobean I spoke to someone on the phone and I have arranged an appointment with a solicitor for Thursday. I had to give quite a few details to the person on the phone, and when I got off the phone I couldn't stop crying, I think I just couldn't believe that I'd been talking about getting divorced - it felt so unreal in a way. I still think the whole thing seems like a bad dream, i never thought I'd be in this position. But I guess it's all stepping stones, and taking one thing at a time.

Re what your DH said - mine says things like that too, and sometimes seems sad. Then I start to feel guilty. Its all such a head fuck 😪

I think I have a problem with being too forgiving, my DH has literally said and done some horrible things to me and I have just forgiven him. As soon as he looks sad or struggling, I start to feel sorry for him. I know it's good to have empathy, but I think I have sometimes been too empathic and overlooked my own feelings and needs. There has to be a balance!

Ah good, it's all small steps isn't it. I always used to think before I found myself in this position, "why don't people just leave if they are unhappy", but it really isn't that simple and straightforward. It really is such a big thing to get your head around.
He's back now and not said anything, just gone straight into the bathroom for a shower

FindingSpace · 18/09/2023 21:21

Thank you so much for this post @Silvermayflower , it's full of so much that I recognise! And this quote from you "I totally understand about feeling like your judgement gets clouded - it's like one part of us keeps making excuses for them, and then that is in conflict with us knowing in our heart what the actual situation is." Its so powerful. I guess that's gaslighting? Intentional or not, but either way, when you're in it, it totally throws you.

The other things you and @Chocobean say about the guilt too. Problem for me is seeing him as a damaged man from crappy childhood experiences, he's not a bad man. So I find it really hard to accept it's abuse? But I think it is. And it's not what we want our children to see.

The other thing I wonder is whether I'm buying into social media happy families, and that's naive? But then I notice especially some colleagues just the way they talk about time with family sounds so uncomplicated, I feel a bit of a rush of jealousy. We have some nice times, but I never really know in advance if it will be or if his mood will spoil or and I'll use all my energy trying to make it soon ok for my son. .. its exhausting.

We have agreed to separate, just last week. So now I'm just seeing how it plays out and trying not to panic or rose tint the good bits. As someone else said best not wait until I'm broken, and it is all very tiring.

Hope the solicitor is useful, I need to start that kind of chat too but that sends me into a panic about money...

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 23:24

@Chocobean how do you feel about what he said? It sounds a bit poor me, look over here, don’t look at how you feel, look at how I feel..? 🤨

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 23:34

@Silvermayflower he could definitely be sad or struggle without being horrible to you. I know what you mean about being too forgiving.
I’ve also genuinely forgotten half of the bad stuff - as in specifics like ways of being spoken to and ways of trying to isolate me from family and friends. I haven’t been anywhere near as assertive or angry as I should have been over the years.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/09/2023 07:28

Start to rebuild

how’s work ?
how are your friendships ?
are you doing any self development ?
are you fit and exercising and eating right

maybe for now you need to focus on you and not the marriage

keep a close eye on the kids

never underestimate the impact his ‘moods’ will have on them x

Chocobean · 19/09/2023 08:03

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 23:24

@Chocobean how do you feel about what he said? It sounds a bit poor me, look over here, don’t look at how you feel, look at how I feel..? 🤨

Well I feel I'm only asking for the bare minimum in the relationship, and I feel like this is hard for him to do. He was used to me for years literally doing everything in the house. Dealing with the kids, all the mental load of everyday life. He did make an effort after we nearly split last year, but I keep seeing little glimpses of how he used to be so how can I have the trust in him to actually want to change

Chocobean · 19/09/2023 14:39

Well, that's it, Iv told him I want out. What a horrid day it's turned out to be Sad

Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 14:47

I think it’s a weird thing that you (as in, people generally) only realise how bad something was in hindsight.

Even when things are bad in the moment and setting you off balance, you don’t fully realise how messed up the bad dynamic is and its effects on you.

I would say things are better now than they were 10+ years ago but that’s partly because some of the argument-causing factors aren’t there, like to do with my work hours (which weren’t that bad and shouldn’t have been a problem for a non-controlling partner). But also .. IS it really better now or is the same phenomenon at work whereby I’ll see in another 5 years that the dynamic now is just as bad as it was before, just with different factors in the mix? If I had left before, I know I would be thanking my past self and wouid have avoided many years of the same old up-down-up-down shit.

Isheabastard · 19/09/2023 15:23

@Chocobean whats your next step? How are you doing?

It’s normal to feel sick with the strength of your emotions.

Try to look after yourself even the basic stuff like eat and sleep.

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 16:11

Chocobean · 19/09/2023 14:39

Well, that's it, Iv told him I want out. What a horrid day it's turned out to be Sad

I hope you are ok? It's such a difficult situation to be in. How did your DH take it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 16:17

Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 14:47

I think it’s a weird thing that you (as in, people generally) only realise how bad something was in hindsight.

Even when things are bad in the moment and setting you off balance, you don’t fully realise how messed up the bad dynamic is and its effects on you.

I would say things are better now than they were 10+ years ago but that’s partly because some of the argument-causing factors aren’t there, like to do with my work hours (which weren’t that bad and shouldn’t have been a problem for a non-controlling partner). But also .. IS it really better now or is the same phenomenon at work whereby I’ll see in another 5 years that the dynamic now is just as bad as it was before, just with different factors in the mix? If I had left before, I know I would be thanking my past self and wouid have avoided many years of the same old up-down-up-down shit.

I agree, I think you can only realise how bad and dysfunctional a situation is with hindsight. When you're in it and simply firefighting every day, it's impossible to be clear about what's actually happening.

I'm glad that things are better than they were 10 years ago, but I take your point about maybe the dynamics are just being temporarily covered up. I think if the controlling person doesn't realise/accept their behaviour and actively take steps to work on it, it's not going to go away, and will probably get worse as they get older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 16:29

Today I was having a major wobble. My DH was being fairly pleasant, and I was thinking "I cannot believe I have booked an appointment with a solicitor, wtf am I doing??" I decided to try to talk to my DH and explain my feelings. I sat down calmly with him, speaking in a calm and gentle voice, and just said that I wanted to talk to him about how we communicate. I said that I have found the years of his passive aggression, moods, anger etc really hard. I said that the focus on the house was always on him, his work, his stress, his moods, and that I felt he had no idea or concern how over the years that has affected me.

His response - "well sorry, but to be honest you're never affectionate with me, so how do you think that makes me feel?" I said to him I can't be affectionate when I never know what mood he's going to be in, and also I just can't get over the years of him ignoring my feelings and needs without any genuine understanding and apology from him.

He just looked hurt and said he finds my communication style "too dominant".

So that's how we left it. It's so confusing, as it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. We're at a total impasse, and it's so sad.

OP posts:
Idunno8 · 19/09/2023 16:32

I have ADHD and sometimes I hyper focus on things like my relationship, do you think this could be the case here?

Not saying you dont have a point etc, is this maybe an emotional bad patch for him which he is not dealing with well; but is that worth leaving over?

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 16:49

Idunno8 · 19/09/2023 16:32

I have ADHD and sometimes I hyper focus on things like my relationship, do you think this could be the case here?

Not saying you dont have a point etc, is this maybe an emotional bad patch for him which he is not dealing with well; but is that worth leaving over?

I have wondered that - it's so difficult to know. Although I would say that it's not a one off bad patch, this has been an ongoing situation really as DH has struggled with anxiety, depression and stress ever since I've known him. It's not always bad, it comes in cycles.

I guess even if an objective observer would say that the situation isn't that bad, it comes down to whether or not I can cope with it.

Also I would say that at the moment the other areas of my life are going well - children, work, extended family, health etc - so its not like I am unhappy for some other reason and displacing the blame.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 17:16

Well done for bringing it up with him. So an impasse. Would you be interested in relationship counselling or do you feel you're past that and just want out? I take it you're keeping the solicitor appointment to yourself for the moment?

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 17:22

@Mmhmmn Thanks. We've had relationship counselling twice but nothing changed. We've also both had individual counselling.

Yes, I haven't told him about the solicitor's appointment. I would really like to try a trial separation though, but am scared of his response if i mention it. I will go to the solicitor's appointment on Thursday, see what I find out, then go from there.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 17:32

Sounds like a sensible way forward if you've already tried the various modes of counselling and not having previously trialled a separation. He also has time between now and you having talked to the solicitor to think about things and respond...

FindingSpace · 19/09/2023 20:01

I don't know if we're allowed to share links here but I wonder if anyone else would be interested in this? It's from a conversation about how to hold onto anger when we should (like all the advice about journalling). I find I am indurated and enraged, then somehow make excuses and think I'm blowing things out of proportion. So I've found it really helpful

I am trying to focus on a future when it's not all about his moods and needs. Sounds really freeing, even with the practicalities that will be tough.

3 steps to harnessing justified anger

Do you find yourself getting increasingly angry with the state of the world, but not sure what to do about it?Or have you been struggling with a situation in...

https://youtu.be/HReGTwhDu7Y

Mmhmmn · 19/09/2023 20:18

Thanks, I certainly could do with this and will watch with interest!

Frogger8395 · 19/09/2023 20:54

The audacity of these pathetic men bullying their family’s in private with their targeted moods and anger. Most of them creep and grovel to other men.

Cowards.

Isheabastard · 19/09/2023 22:02

@Silvermayflower and the conversation you had with your husband today.

The break through for me in understanding my husband, came when I realised he wasn’t trying to communicate with me in the same way I was trying to communicate with him (with heartfelt emotion and honesty).

His aim was to always ‘win’, keep the upper hand and deflect blame onto me. I realised I was dealing with someone who didn’t want to understand me or give any ground. I started realising that just because he said something, it didn’t mean it was true, or that he even thought it was true.

My ex would get so so cross with me whenever I used the wrong tone of voice to him. He even said that he didn’t think I even knew I did it. He also said that he just automatically sees red when I say something in the wrong tone, but he would really try not to lose his temper. (He always did lose his temper).

I would then try justify the tone of voice I had used because I couldn’t see what I had done wrong. One time I had simply called to him from another room. But basically I was told it was all my fault, I was wrong and therefore inferior to him.

When I mentioned this to my therapist, she just looked incredulously at me and said “the wrong tone?” . In that one moment I could see that my ex’s long-standing complaint just turned to dust. I see now that my tone was wrong because it wasn’t subservient or as respectful as he felt he deserved.

So when I read what you said and he said, I’m afraid it seems clear as day he doesn’t want to accept your point of view (because if he did he’d have to change his behaviour or at least do something), he doesn’t care/want to change, then the cherry on top is to flip it and blame you for something (that he doesn’t even think is true).

Result, you are left defending your ‘lack of affection’ and puzzling over your ‘too dominant’communication style. The reason you feel like you are talking to a brick wall is because you are.

It’s not confusing if you realise his objective is to admit no wrong so that he can keep the power in the relationship and leave you like a worried child thinking you are the one at fault.

Sorry if I sound cynical, but I’ve put up with my ex’s bullshit and manipulation for more than 30 years.