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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay or go, I don't know what to do, please help

83 replies

Silvermayflower · 15/09/2023 21:54

I feel in turmoil and I have done for a couple of years. I have a long term marriage to DH and two teenage dc.

Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, and for the past year has been pretty bad. DH has had a lot of stress and mental health problems, and can be very passive aggressive and moody with me. This has happened throughout our relationship. I also don't feel we have an emotional connection any more and every conversation seems superficial.

Are most people's DHs sometimes moody, passive aggressive, cold etc? I don't know what's normal. Many of my friends and family have said they don't know how I put up with DH, in addition to the moods he does barely any housework, DIY or gardening.

I have ADHD and I know I am very sensitive to people's moods, so I don't know if I am the problem or if it's my DH. My mind is constantly whirling with thoughts of leaving, but I don't know if I am overreacting. I know that my mind reacts very strongly to stressful situations.

For a few weeks I have been determined that I'm going to leave, then tonight I just looked at the children and thought, how can I break the family up? We would have to sell the family home which would be heartbreaking for all of us. Today was fine, DH was in a good mood so the atmosphere was calmer.

I feel so attached to DH and the family unit, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave,

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Martacus · 19/09/2023 22:24

'Yes, I totally understand about feeling like your judgement gets clouded - it's like one part of us keeps making excuses for them, and then that is in conflict with us knowing in our heart what the actual situation is.'

That's so well said, @Silvermayflower I often feel exactly the same about my husband's behaviour, and find it so hard to think straight.

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 19/09/2023 22:29

Isheabastard · 19/09/2023 22:02

@Silvermayflower and the conversation you had with your husband today.

The break through for me in understanding my husband, came when I realised he wasn’t trying to communicate with me in the same way I was trying to communicate with him (with heartfelt emotion and honesty).

His aim was to always ‘win’, keep the upper hand and deflect blame onto me. I realised I was dealing with someone who didn’t want to understand me or give any ground. I started realising that just because he said something, it didn’t mean it was true, or that he even thought it was true.

My ex would get so so cross with me whenever I used the wrong tone of voice to him. He even said that he didn’t think I even knew I did it. He also said that he just automatically sees red when I say something in the wrong tone, but he would really try not to lose his temper. (He always did lose his temper).

I would then try justify the tone of voice I had used because I couldn’t see what I had done wrong. One time I had simply called to him from another room. But basically I was told it was all my fault, I was wrong and therefore inferior to him.

When I mentioned this to my therapist, she just looked incredulously at me and said “the wrong tone?” . In that one moment I could see that my ex’s long-standing complaint just turned to dust. I see now that my tone was wrong because it wasn’t subservient or as respectful as he felt he deserved.

So when I read what you said and he said, I’m afraid it seems clear as day he doesn’t want to accept your point of view (because if he did he’d have to change his behaviour or at least do something), he doesn’t care/want to change, then the cherry on top is to flip it and blame you for something (that he doesn’t even think is true).

Result, you are left defending your ‘lack of affection’ and puzzling over your ‘too dominant’communication style. The reason you feel like you are talking to a brick wall is because you are.

It’s not confusing if you realise his objective is to admit no wrong so that he can keep the power in the relationship and leave you like a worried child thinking you are the one at fault.

Sorry if I sound cynical, but I’ve put up with my ex’s bullshit and manipulation for more than 30 years.

Thank you so much. That makes so much sense when you said that the breakthrough came when you realised that your DH was communicating with the aim to "win" rather than be honest - I totally get that!

When I was writing my post, I mentioned that I had communicated with my DH in a calm and gentle voice - I felt I should mention it, as my DH has said to me so many times that when we talk I speak in the wrong tone and that puts him on the back foot. Hence me trying to explain to everyone on this thread that I was being soft and gentle, as I must admit since my DH said that, I am very aware of which tone of voice I use when speaking to people. That's so interesting what you said about your therapist - when we had marriage counselling for the second time (I arranged it, and actually chose a male counsellor as I wanted a male perspective), I remember my DH saying to the counsellor "See? She speaks to me really aggressively!" The counsellor replied "I didn't get that impression at all, I felt that (Silvermayflower) was just expressing her feelings".

That's also interesting that you feel even they don't think what they are saying is true - some strange kind of doublethink going on?!

I guess I am still struggling to believe that someone, anyone, let alone someone who has purported to love me for the last 20 years, would be trying to uphold power in the relationship at all costs, even when he sees how much I am suffering because of this dynamic. Does the male ego and the need to be "right" override everything, even the suffering of the person they are supposed to love? It's crazy.

OP posts:
DopeyS · 19/09/2023 22:48

I've found this thread through googling and just read it all seeing some similarities. My husband also has anxiety but uses drink to control it. I don't feel like he's always manipulative but he can be. I am getting to a point where I feel like I am doing everything in the house and working more than full time but never get support. Everything is about him and his anxiety and stress. I feel he's incapable of supporting me yet if I get upset he's angry at first and then sorry, 'he'll sort it, he'll get help'. Then the next day it's all fine and nothing changes but I have to trust him and just forget it.. it's really tiring. I constantly question myself though because it's not that bad. He's not abusive. He's not horrible. How do you know if you're happy or not.

Martacus · 19/09/2023 22:55

OP would your husband is also basically unreasonable? And really hard to reason with?

I'm wondering if that's a thing with some people. (Such as my husband too).

FindingSpace · 19/09/2023 23:10

Wow I so recognise the 'wrong tone', although the other one I get is about whatever facial expression I'm making, is apparently triggering for him? But then I get so careful , he says I sound business like! Err, yes, because I'm trying to avoid anything that might be interpreted. It's really interesting how my OH thinks he's very good at reading people. I know how much he misreads me, so I don't trust that at all.

It's all so sad yet heartening how many obviously smart women have ended up in the same scenario 😔

Chocobean · 20/09/2023 12:35

@Isheabastard @Silvermayflower , In answer to your previous posts yesterday, we had a bloody day of it yesterday, so mentally draining. I was left feeling so tired and headachy. So he obviously apologised and begged me to stay. He blamed him slipping back into his old ways due to a health setback at the start of summer (although I beg to differ. I think he would have slipped back anyway, the health setback just made it come around quicker in my opinion). He asked me to do marriage counselling and to let him work on himself again. I have agreed. I have made it clear, this is basically the be-all and end-all, and that this time around, I have more doubt in my mind as I am losing more trust in him to make me feel like I am in a safe and secure relationship (in fact, the trust may well be gone in that aspect). He said he is aware that it may not turn out the way he wants, but considering we have yet to do marriage counselling (he had individual counselling last year), I really feel I owe it to us to give the marriage this one last push. I am not willing to give it 18 months like last time either. I will hopefully know what my feelings are come the first quarter of next year. I have told him if I still feel the same or that I feel nothing has changed then that's it.
I have today been looking into how I will be able to cope financially should we split, and I know I will be able to do it alone. Which has given me some reassurance. @Silvermayflower I totally get what you say about how the house revolves around their mood etc, it is exactly the same for me. I have put up with it for 14-15 years, and the marriage is just so one-sided.

Isheabastard · 20/09/2023 14:57

@Chocobean so sorry to hear it has come to a head. I know how emotionally draining and all pervasive that is. At least he has said he wants to work on it.

Perhaps this in the long term will prove to be the turning point in your relationship whichever way it goes. Relationship counselling can also be used as a way of negotiating the end of a marriage more amicably.

It is often recommended that you don’t take couples counselling if it’s an abusive relationship. I would like to recommend a very good book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patrica Evans. It will help you decide.

Again I recommend journaling, especially to write down all the he said/she said stuff. Again know where all the money is and if necessary photocopy anything you may not have access to later.

If you think it is an abusive relationship, then I would suggest you insist you have individual therapy first, or at worst concurrently with couples counselling.

Like @Silvermayflower maybe have an initial (often free) consultation with a solicitor, and look up the wikivorce website.

For individual therapy I chose a chartered clinical psychologist. Expensive but definitely worth it in the long term. This is not the time to save money on your sanity.

Ref couples counselling - we never did it so I can’t recommend anything. I personally would always choose a woman, but silvermay made a good point about why she chose a man.

I remember this initial period all too well. You feel sick to your stomach 24/7 and wish you could just sleep it away.

Best of luck.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 20/09/2023 15:02

I suggest you look into the book "Why women talk and men walk ". It has a lot of advice on how to change the relationship without talking about it. I am only saying it as I am not convinced talking to your husband is going to be very useful. I hope it helps

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