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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I stay or go, I don't know what to do, please help

83 replies

Silvermayflower · 15/09/2023 21:54

I feel in turmoil and I have done for a couple of years. I have a long term marriage to DH and two teenage dc.

Our marriage has been full of ups and downs, and for the past year has been pretty bad. DH has had a lot of stress and mental health problems, and can be very passive aggressive and moody with me. This has happened throughout our relationship. I also don't feel we have an emotional connection any more and every conversation seems superficial.

Are most people's DHs sometimes moody, passive aggressive, cold etc? I don't know what's normal. Many of my friends and family have said they don't know how I put up with DH, in addition to the moods he does barely any housework, DIY or gardening.

I have ADHD and I know I am very sensitive to people's moods, so I don't know if I am the problem or if it's my DH. My mind is constantly whirling with thoughts of leaving, but I don't know if I am overreacting. I know that my mind reacts very strongly to stressful situations.

For a few weeks I have been determined that I'm going to leave, then tonight I just looked at the children and thought, how can I break the family up? We would have to sell the family home which would be heartbreaking for all of us. Today was fine, DH was in a good mood so the atmosphere was calmer.

I feel so attached to DH and the family unit, I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave,

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WelcomeToLagos · 17/09/2023 08:19

I too have been there.

Over years I built myself/steeled myself to go through a divorce. One of the things that helped me was when a classmate died and imagining the practical side for the kids if I died, and then if he died. I realized there wasn’t a lot I would mourn about him. For the kids yes, but for myself, not a lot.

Another was seeing his brother shouting at their 80 year old widowed Dad’s girlfriend that she was a gold digger. Then I knew it would never ever end, because he shared those values ( Learnt from his dad).

One of the last was a younger work colleague saying “why shouldn’t I be pampered?”. And it was a real eye-opener (brain opener!). It had literally never occurred to me that within the relationship I should be pampered- I wasn’t even getting the most basic of kindness and respect.

Finding out he was playing away was just the excuse: it made it so easy to leave.

Mmhmmn · 17/09/2023 12:44

@Chocobean that’s so controlling and horrible. Does he have friends? Does he actually just hate you going out and doing anything that doesn’t involve him? I just wonder if the promiscuous friend thing is a bit of a red herring?

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 12:53

Thanks for all your comments.

@Frogger8395 "What does nice mean to you op? What nice things is he doing? I think if you look a bit closer he is just being civil. And you sound really grateful for that. That’s how dysfunctional things have become"

This has made me reflect - yes it's true, and that's eye opening. When I say DH is being nice, I'm talking about when he joins in with the conversation at the dinner table, being amenable if I ask him to pick a dc up if I am working etc. But thinking about it, as you say, surely that is just being civil, and dare I say, everyday normal behaviour?! It's just I am so used to the moods and walking on eggshells that for me that's "nice"! He's certainly not going above and beyond to be kind and caring to me or the dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 13:00

@reallyunderstandsometimes it's horrible isn't it, the nit picking and undermining. It chips away at your self esteem. I used to retaliate when DH criticised my driving, domestic stuff etc - for the past few years I don't say anything at all as I was so worn down by it all and didn't want to upset the children if he said it in front of them. There is absolutely no reasoning with him, he's always right, so there's no point in saying anything.

I've realised that there will never be a right time to leave. One of my dcs is now in year 11, I'm hoping I can time things so we can move out after their exams, but I'm sure it won't be that seamless. But I really don't think I can keep on in this marriage.

OP posts:
Chocobean · 17/09/2023 13:03

Mmhmmn · 17/09/2023 12:44

@Chocobean that’s so controlling and horrible. Does he have friends? Does he actually just hate you going out and doing anything that doesn’t involve him? I just wonder if the promiscuous friend thing is a bit of a red herring?

No he never goes out with his friends. The only contact he has with a friend is one that he works with and that's because he only sees him at work. He used to get jealous when I went out, would ask questions like what time will I be home etc. He claims to not be like that anymore but my gut is telling me he is only telling me what I want to hear.
We spoke about what happened last night earlier today, and he says he would never stop me from going out with her, just that he wouldn't like it if I did. He also added he wouldn't go out with someone that I disliked! So in my head that's him trying to make me feel guilty should I go out with so called friend. Is that how you would read that or am I looking too much into it? This is what I mean when I say your judgment really does get clouded and you question what you feel is real or not.

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 13:04

@Palomafaithless those books look really good, thanks for the recommendation

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 13:09

@Chocobean to be honest, I think he sounds controlling - why on earth would he not like you to go out with one of your friends, and why tell you that anyway unless he's trying to make you feel guilty?! I don't like all of my DH's friends but I don't mind at all if he goes out with them.

Yes, I totally understand about feeling like your judgement gets clouded - it's like one part of us keeps making excuses for them, and then that is in conflict with us knowing in our heart what the actual situation is.

OP posts:
Chocobean · 17/09/2023 13:14

Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 13:09

@Chocobean to be honest, I think he sounds controlling - why on earth would he not like you to go out with one of your friends, and why tell you that anyway unless he's trying to make you feel guilty?! I don't like all of my DH's friends but I don't mind at all if he goes out with them.

Yes, I totally understand about feeling like your judgement gets clouded - it's like one part of us keeps making excuses for them, and then that is in conflict with us knowing in our heart what the actual situation is.

Yes, I said the exact same thing to him that if the tables were turned and he had a promiscuous friend who had asked him out for drinks, I truly wouldn't bat an eyelid because I trust him.
There's other things that I question time and time again, but this is just one example.
Sorry for hijacking your thread OP x

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 13:20

@WelcomeToLagos "One of the last was a younger work colleague saying “why shouldn’t I be pampered?”. And it was a real eye-opener (brain opener!). It had literally never occurred to me that within the relationship I should be pampered- I wasn’t even getting the most basic of kindness and respect."

This resonates with me too. I remember when I first got together with DH, he told me he didn't like girls who were "high maintenance" and needed a lot of attention or money spent on them. I had low self esteem, so I didn't expect anything from him - I was happy to help him and care for him, whilst getting barely anything in return.

But yes, why shouldn't we be cared for and pampered?! It literally never occurred to me either.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 17/09/2023 15:50

You don’t have a marriage. You have a living with the enemy situation. He uses moods and targeted bad energy to make himself feel powerful. He treats you all like subordinates, punishing you with bad vibes should you displease him. He has decided he is King Of The Castle.

Outside in the real world he knows there will be serious consequences if he attempts to dominate others (particularly other men) with his bad vibes. Which is why he does it only in the privacy of your home. He’s a coward like all bully's.

It will help you a lot if you start reframing his episodes of moods and passive aggression as bullying and cowardly aggression.

Youre entitled to live in peace. Your children are entitled to live in peace. You don’t owe it to him to sacrifice yourselves simply so he has someone to bully.

Dillydollydingdong · 17/09/2023 16:02

So if you don't leave now, you'll only do it later. How many more years of this can you put up with?

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 16:09

This thread has helped to clarify things for me. I'm going to book an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow. Feeling so scared and sad but another part of me feels almost excited?! I think part of my fear has been the worry about how I will manage financially - I'm on minimum wage, and although we do have equity in our house I don't know if it would be enough for me to buy another place for me and the dc. At least if the solicitor can clarify things for me then I can make more of a plan based on facts, rather than endlessly wondering about it in my head. I also need to speak to CAB to see if I would be entitled to any benefits.

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 17/09/2023 16:14

Ask your solicitor if you qualify for legal aid as you are being abused.

Chocobean · 17/09/2023 18:09

Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 16:09

This thread has helped to clarify things for me. I'm going to book an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow. Feeling so scared and sad but another part of me feels almost excited?! I think part of my fear has been the worry about how I will manage financially - I'm on minimum wage, and although we do have equity in our house I don't know if it would be enough for me to buy another place for me and the dc. At least if the solicitor can clarify things for me then I can make more of a plan based on facts, rather than endlessly wondering about it in my head. I also need to speak to CAB to see if I would be entitled to any benefits.

Good luck OP, keep us updated. Hearing how you are getting on may keep me motivated to do the same. God I hate feeling like this, if it wasn't for the kids I'd just want to run away

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 17/09/2023 18:31

@Chocobean Thank you, yes I will update if and when I have any news.

Good luck to everyone else who is in a similar position, and thank you for sharing your stories and advice - I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 15:16

@Chocobean He also added he wouldn't go out with someone that I disliked! So in my head that's him trying to make me feel guilty should I go out with so called friend. Is that how you would read that or am I looking too much into it? This is what I mean when I say your judgment really does get clouded and you question what you feel is real or not.

Yes, absolutely. It's just another way of trying to exert control over you - guilt-tripping.

DP suggested (only half-joking) at the start of the year that we make new year's resolutions for each other. I told him where to go with that and related this exchange to someone else who knows him. They were shocked and said 'that's very controlling'.

It's the same thing. You wouldn't expect your dp/h to avoid going out with someone you don't like, any more than I would want to make new year resolutions for anyone but myself (I don't beieve in them anyway they're horse shit 😆) - while he clearly does want to make them for me to produce some sort of behaviour that suits him! Cheeky fuckers. The mental gymnastics of controlling people never ceases to amaze me.

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 15:19

That's great @Silvermayflower You're taking steps. You will be my inspo :)

Chocobean · 18/09/2023 15:56

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 15:16

@Chocobean He also added he wouldn't go out with someone that I disliked! So in my head that's him trying to make me feel guilty should I go out with so called friend. Is that how you would read that or am I looking too much into it? This is what I mean when I say your judgment really does get clouded and you question what you feel is real or not.

Yes, absolutely. It's just another way of trying to exert control over you - guilt-tripping.

DP suggested (only half-joking) at the start of the year that we make new year's resolutions for each other. I told him where to go with that and related this exchange to someone else who knows him. They were shocked and said 'that's very controlling'.

It's the same thing. You wouldn't expect your dp/h to avoid going out with someone you don't like, any more than I would want to make new year resolutions for anyone but myself (I don't beieve in them anyway they're horse shit 😆) - while he clearly does want to make them for me to produce some sort of behaviour that suits him! Cheeky fuckers. The mental gymnastics of controlling people never ceases to amaze me.

I just want to know why they want the control so much. What is it in their head that makes them this way? In general and to other people he is a nice guy, would do anything for anyone etc. But I just feel there is always a drama with them, like they are always moaning about something. I always feel like I am the one who has to soothe him and make him feel better about stuff. Never the other way around. It makes me feel kind of not secure with him.

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 16:03

I can only think they must feel powerless in other ways, that controlling others is a way of regaining self-esteem or something. It might be to do with anxiety as well. I'm the complete opposite to a controller, I've no wish to exert power over anyone or anything, I just want peace in life and for people to behave decently without trampling boundaries.

becauseicanthatswhy · 18/09/2023 16:11

The reason you are up and down is because you relating your feeling to his moods. When he's good, you feel good and want to stay. When he's bad, you feel bad and want to go.

Is there more good that bad?

I currently can't even hold a conversation anymore with out the content criticism.

If I said I need to do some house work, his response would be - you hardly do anyway.

If I said I need to make a decision about something, his response would be - you've never been good at making decisions.

If I said I seen to save some money, his response would be - you're not very good with money are you.

Crap like that alone with silent treatment, money arguments and crap sex then just get out.

Chocobean · 18/09/2023 16:27

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 16:03

I can only think they must feel powerless in other ways, that controlling others is a way of regaining self-esteem or something. It might be to do with anxiety as well. I'm the complete opposite to a controller, I've no wish to exert power over anyone or anything, I just want peace in life and for people to behave decently without trampling boundaries.

I feel like I could have written this!

Chocobean · 18/09/2023 16:29

becauseicanthatswhy · 18/09/2023 16:11

The reason you are up and down is because you relating your feeling to his moods. When he's good, you feel good and want to stay. When he's bad, you feel bad and want to go.

Is there more good that bad?

I currently can't even hold a conversation anymore with out the content criticism.

If I said I need to do some house work, his response would be - you hardly do anyway.

If I said I need to make a decision about something, his response would be - you've never been good at making decisions.

If I said I seen to save some money, his response would be - you're not very good with money are you.

Crap like that alone with silent treatment, money arguments and crap sex then just get out.

Yes, completely agree with you. When they are having a good day you think "eh it's not that bad if it's like this" then when there's a bad day you go tumbling back down again.
I've never felt such a rollercoaster of emotions.

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 17:21

@becauseicanthatswhy that sounds relentless and awful. Basically any time you make a comment that relates to yourself, he turns it into a negative or some sort of character assassination? Pfffffffffffffffffff 😤

Original poster
Silvermayflower · 18/09/2023 17:22

Mmhmmn · 18/09/2023 16:03

I can only think they must feel powerless in other ways, that controlling others is a way of regaining self-esteem or something. It might be to do with anxiety as well. I'm the complete opposite to a controller, I've no wish to exert power over anyone or anything, I just want peace in life and for people to behave decently without trampling boundaries.

I think you're right - I know for a fact that my DH feels powerless and out of control - that's why he tries to control me/our home life. Funnily enough, at work he is totally different as far as I can make out- even a bit of a people pleaser. He moans about other men at work who are apparently narcissistic bullies - I don't think he feels he can stand up to them, but ironically then he behaves in a similar way to me at home. I've actually reflected that to him, but he can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silvermayflower · 18/09/2023 17:30

@Chocobean "I've never felt such a rollercoaster of emotions."

Yes, I feel the same, I'm actually worried it's going to affect my physical health soon, I know it's affecting my mental health. I've just ordered the book "Should I stay or should I go" by Lundy Bancroft (recommended by a PP). It looks good and there are actually exercises and bits of writing for you to do to actually work out whether or not the relationship is worth staying for or if it's beyond hope.

I think I need to start looking at things with my rational mind, and coming to a conclusion that way. As long as I am in the same environment as my DH, I think it will always be a rollercoaster of emotions, simply because that's reflecting his mental health and state of mind. I can't rely on my fluctuating emotions to make a decision about this.

OP posts: