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Original poster

Was this OK to ask?

89 replies

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:07

My boyfriend was still in a long-distance relationship when we were dating. They still saw each other every few weeks. After 9 months of us dating, he broke up with her and then told me the truth.

I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance.

Then I asked him if it's a pattern for him to be in a relationship, lose interest after 1 year, and then cheat. He said no. I asked him again because I was afraid of being the next one.

He got angry and said my question was unfair and naive. He had already said no, and he felt like I was probing further. What happened had only occurred once, and I just wanted reassurance, so I asked if it was a pattern.
What do you think? Was my question unfair or okay?

OP posts:
GretaGip · 14/09/2023 09:09

I wouldn't have asked the question because I wouldn't have continued in a relationship with a man like that. Untrustworthy.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:10

This is not the questions of this thread :)

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 14/09/2023 09:11

The problem with your question was that he was hardly going to say yes, even if it was true.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:12

Yeah, probably true...but this was not his first relationship, so he could have told me how things were in previous relationships

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 14/09/2023 09:13

The question was designed to needle him, what was the point of asking twice? What did you expect him to answer? If you want to be with him you need to trust him. If you don't trust him then leave him.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

OP posts:
DogInATent · 14/09/2023 09:16

Why did you ask him again? - was it the way he answered the first time, or a second chance to give the answer you were wanting him to give the first time?

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:17

I think when he said no the first time, what I actually wanted to hear and to know is why it would not happen again with me and be reassured that this was a once in a lifetime thing

OP posts:
mummymeister · 14/09/2023 09:18

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

because no one likes to be found out showing their true colours? Its the truth you were right in your assumption and you hit a nerve. so he got angry and defensive. He probably thought you were a bit stupid and now you have shown him you arent and you are very perceptive to what he is all about.

And dont worry about leaving him because he wont stick around that long, people with this pattern of behaviour never do.

becarefulofyourheart · 14/09/2023 09:19

But it’s never a once in a lifetime thing, and the reason he got mad was cos he knows it, and knows you know it too! You do know, right? Cos why else do you keep asking? He’s already proven he’s a liar…

INeedAnotherName · 14/09/2023 09:20

If something only occurs once then it is not a pattern.

However you are worried he might cheat on you and the answer is very probably, the question is not if but when....and nobody can answer that. There is a reason for the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater". The first pp was right, most people don't continue in a relationship they've been cheated in.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:20

Well I'm not sure if that's the case. People do change. He has admitted to cheating on her and told me the truth, even though I would have never found out.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/09/2023 09:24

The key thing is - you asked again because you're still feeling insecure and deep down you don't fully trust him.
Think about this - not the fact you asked him twice but why you asked him twice.
You say you've forgiven him yet you clearly haven't moved on (and I wouldn't have either).

travelogue · 14/09/2023 09:32

He went mad because no one wants to be called out on their bad behaviour - especially if they are trying to believe that it's all in the past. He may have only done it once but clearly he knows it was wrong and doesn't like being reminded. Or maybe he's got more to hide and doesn't want you to know. Either way it's uncomfortable for him so rather than face it he's going to try and make you look unreasonable. "If you trust me you wouldn't ask."

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 09:32

Judge him on his actions not his words.

Hes shown you he has so little respect for women he’ll lie to them and cheat.

Hes shown you that if you don’t “behave” (asking for reassurance for eg) he’ll shut you down with anger and make you feel in the wrong.

PointyMcguire · 14/09/2023 09:33

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:20

Well I'm not sure if that's the case. People do change. He has admitted to cheating on her and told me the truth, even though I would have never found out.

Well surely if he cheated on her before you that just proves he’s an opportunist rather than you being his one true love that transcends morals/commitments etc?

These situations never work unless you’re prepared to ignore your gut instinct/blindly put your trust in him despite the facts. If you can’t do that, or like you’ve done ask questions/for reassurance he’ll likely just use it for justification when he inevitably cheats on you too.

hev126 · 14/09/2023 09:34

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:12

Yeah, probably true...but this was not his first relationship, so he could have told me how things were in previous relationships

It's a pointless questions as he could/would have just lied about what happened in previous relationships. Why would you believe a word he says?

For the first 9 months of your relationship he deceived you and lied constantly. It's not just his exGF he cheated on. He was cheating on you too

hev126 · 14/09/2023 09:35

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:20

Well I'm not sure if that's the case. People do change. He has admitted to cheating on her and told me the truth, even though I would have never found out.

He already cheated on you for 9 months too!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 09:36

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:17

I think when he said no the first time, what I actually wanted to hear and to know is why it would not happen again with me and be reassured that this was a once in a lifetime thing

So why didn’t you ask that then?

and if you were looking for some guarantee he’d not get bored and bin you after a year then that’s not something he can give, no one can. You may as well have propositioned marriage with no divorce ever.

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 09:36

He’s admitted to cheating on her

Hmm let’s not sugar coat this- he cheated on you too. Not once but continually for 9 months.
For me the trust would be gone. I couldn’t respect that. The lies and deceit.
People actually rarely change their fundamental morals and misogynistic beliefs.

Slothlikemum · 14/09/2023 09:38

hev126 · 14/09/2023 09:35

He already cheated on you for 9 months too!!! 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Show quote history

Well yeah, exactly. He was in a relationship with you and seeing someone else. Not sure why you didn't acknowledge that he's already cheated on you!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 09:38

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:20

Well I'm not sure if that's the case. People do change. He has admitted to cheating on her and told me the truth, even though I would have never found out.

You seem to not realise that he was also cheating on you that entire time. For nine whole months, he effortlessly lied to both of you.

You lose them how you found them.

thecatinthetwat · 14/09/2023 09:43

its a reasonable question, his response is worrying. He’s already cheated, it’s not a good sign. He can lie easily. This is how he blocks questions and shuts down suspicions.

GingerIsBest · 14/09/2023 09:43

I have seen a number of your threads over the last few months. This relationship is doomed. You don't trust him. He's proven to be untrustworthy. You both keep behaving in ridiculous ways.

Of course he's not reliable if he you were the OW for 9 months. Of course he doesn't want you to ask the question. Of course he will lie. Of course it's ridiculous for you to keep asking.

sodthesodoff · 14/09/2023 09:46

Why he sounds a peach

Why are you asking? Do you honestly think you can believe anything he says?

Think back to those nine long months of him lying to your face. What makes you think he won't/can't do it again

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