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Original poster

Was this OK to ask?

89 replies

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:07

My boyfriend was still in a long-distance relationship when we were dating. They still saw each other every few weeks. After 9 months of us dating, he broke up with her and then told me the truth.

I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance.

Then I asked him if it's a pattern for him to be in a relationship, lose interest after 1 year, and then cheat. He said no. I asked him again because I was afraid of being the next one.

He got angry and said my question was unfair and naive. He had already said no, and he felt like I was probing further. What happened had only occurred once, and I just wanted reassurance, so I asked if it was a pattern.
What do you think? Was my question unfair or okay?

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:46

I do realise that he has done that. He said it himself. He cheated on two women, and hurt two people who he loved/had feelings for

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 09:47

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:46

I do realise that he has done that. He said it himself. He cheated on two women, and hurt two people who he loved/had feelings for

Yet you're still with him. FGS, stop being your own worst enemy.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:48

I can be with him and ask questions all at the same time

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 14/09/2023 09:48

People can change, but not that quickly or abruptly. True, meaningful change takes years, effort and hard work. He cheated on you for 9 months too, you do realise that?

So what, you think after doing zero work on himself, doing nothing to address the personality fault that made him cheat in the first place, after staying with the woman he cheated with and on, you think that because he was honest about it (after 9 months of lying to you and her) that he's now magically a changed man?

Sorry but that's hilariously naïve.

See you back here in a year once he's monkey branched off to the next one.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:50

We've been talking about what happened and why it happened a lot over the past few months. He has even brought up the topic multiple times to ask how I was dealing with the situation and if I want to talk about it

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 09:52

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:50

We've been talking about what happened and why it happened a lot over the past few months. He has even brought up the topic multiple times to ask how I was dealing with the situation and if I want to talk about it

What a hero.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 14/09/2023 09:58

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

Because he's a cheat and doesn't like being called out on it.

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 09:59

So you’ve been with him less than a year and for 9 months of that he’s been lying to you, and shagging someone else?

I think he’s still lying - he’s telling you what you want to hear.
I think you know deep down that
a) you don’t trust what he says and
b) he’s not the man you thought he was

The fact that he’s reacting with anger and is “mad” at you for asking questions is another red flag to add to the collection.

Youre worth more than this x

catsnhats11 · 14/09/2023 10:00

You've posted here before about this haven't you? Time to just move on I think.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2023 10:02

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

Let's think...why would he do you think?

sodthesodoff · 14/09/2023 10:04

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:48

I can be with him and ask questions all at the same time

Well that sounds exhausting.

Why don't you find someone you can trust so you don't have to ask them if they'd be faithful all the time. Especially when you know the answer already.

Where the hell is your bar?

BitOutOfPractice · 14/09/2023 10:04

Hold on a momemnt! Is this the same guy who gave you genital warts and wants to start swinging with you? He sounds like a prince among men!

beastlyslumber · 14/09/2023 10:05

He cheated on you for 9 months of your relationship. Not sure how you're ever going to trust anything he says. Him getting angry is just trying to shut you up - control you and silence you so you stop asking awkward questions.

This situation is not salvageable, unless you're happy to be in a relationship with a cheat and a liar.

Truemilk · 14/09/2023 10:08

Throw this one back op 🎣

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 10:09

we've been together since 1.5 years after his 'coming-out'

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 14/09/2023 10:14

But why ask twice?

hev126 · 14/09/2023 10:15

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:46

I do realise that he has done that. He said it himself. He cheated on two women, and hurt two people who he loved/had feelings for

Oh that's okay then 🙄

I can guess he's telling you he wasn't happy in his previous relationship otherwise he wouldn't have cheated. It was miserable and he felt trapped, she never understood him blah blah blah.
He's now happy so will be faithful and this is soooo different!

The fact is he wasn't with her for that long so I'm presuming they weren't married and had no dc. He was free to walk anytime he wanted....but he didn't.
He was also happy to date and shag the 2 of you for 9 months. If he genuinely loved you and had strong feelings he'd have left her much earlier - the fact is he was happy to string you both along for 9 months and deceive you both.

If he truly loved you and was serious about it, he'd at least have left her after meeting you

Irridescantshimmmer · 14/09/2023 10:19

A relationship without trust will not be bring happiness because you would always be wondering wether he will do it again as his track record up to now is not good. So cracks start to appear.

Fannyfiggs · 14/09/2023 10:22

Yes, your question was unfair and naive.

Did you expect him to say yes I do get into a relationship, lose interest after 1 year, and then cheat?

Of course he's going to say no so you're never gonna know if that's the truth or not.

Original poster
karlaka · 14/09/2023 10:24

But why would he tell me it's naive? Why would he not just reassure me?

OP posts:
Butterkist8 · 14/09/2023 10:27

You're second guessing yourself.

You shouldn't be doing that in a loving relationship. You should trust him but you don't else why you've asked and discussed it more than once.

CitizenofMoronia · 14/09/2023 10:35

hes testing the water to see how you will react next time, the last one up and left and he wants to see if you will just put up with it.

LastHives · 14/09/2023 10:35

You will lose him the same way you met him.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 14/09/2023 10:36

He didn't reassure you because he did my want to reassure you. Stop looking for reasons that make him look like a decent guy. Look at what he DOES. He gets mad at you when you question him. That's who he is!

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 10:42

Youre second guessing yourself

I agree. It’s time to put yourself first and acknowledge that he has betrayed you in the worst way. You fell in love with the person he was pretending to be. Now you’re insecure and confused.

He’s getting angry to control you- to shut you up Take note- this is a bad sign

None of this is your fault- you’re desperately trying to paper over this wound but I think in your heart you know hes treated you appallingly.

Of course you’re struggling to move on and feel secure.

This man will destroy your self esteem.
Dont put your head in the sand because you love him.
Love isn’t always enough is it?