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Original poster

Was this OK to ask?

89 replies

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:07

My boyfriend was still in a long-distance relationship when we were dating. They still saw each other every few weeks. After 9 months of us dating, he broke up with her and then told me the truth.

I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance.

Then I asked him if it's a pattern for him to be in a relationship, lose interest after 1 year, and then cheat. He said no. I asked him again because I was afraid of being the next one.

He got angry and said my question was unfair and naive. He had already said no, and he felt like I was probing further. What happened had only occurred once, and I just wanted reassurance, so I asked if it was a pattern.
What do you think? Was my question unfair or okay?

OP posts:
Bowbobobo · 14/09/2023 10:58

It was a rather childish thing to ask but not unfair. Quiz him on why he did it, how he felt about it if you like, but in the end it's what YOU think about what his actions indicate for the future that matters, not what HE thinks. Words are cheap. Make your own mind up.

Fourlegsandatail · 14/09/2023 11:00

You’ve posted about this before and you didn’t take any notice of what was said last time. Your threads also always seem very circular.

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 11:06

It’s probably time to let the scales fall off your eyes with this bloke.

Id be skeptical about his reasons for telling you about his girlfriend.
It seems unlikely he woke up one day eaten up by guilt- she could well have found out about you, dumped him and threatened to reveal all if he didn’t.

The fact is, the trust is gone and 50% of your relationship was a sham. Who knows what else he lied about or is continuing to?

Thats not your fault , you must feel devastated if you’re honest? And I’m sorry you’re so low.

Zenana · 14/09/2023 11:21

Not this again. You're constantly posting about this guy but still with him. Why?

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 11:39

Actually a quick look at your past threads is really depressing.

This man coerced you into sex with out a condom when you met, lied about an STD and gave you herpes, cheated repeatedly, is pressuring you to have threesomes and wanting to involve his ex girlfriend.

What the heck?

Honestly you’re young- don’t waste your best years with this arsehole. He’s eroded all your boundaries and has no respect for you.

Get out- wake up- confide in friends and family so they can support you. You sound lost- this is not a normal healthy relationship but you’ve lost all perspective and confidence to see that.

LumpyPumpkin · 14/09/2023 11:49

Why do you keep posting about this? You never listen to anything anyone says in the replies.

gannett · 14/09/2023 11:56

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:48

I can be with him and ask questions all at the same time

Actually, this is the thing. You can't.

Well, you can ask what you want. But if you keep asking your partner whether you can trust them, they are inevitably going to get pissed off, and probably they will leave eventually.

Trust comes from within. You say you wanted his reassurance, but you're the only one who can genuinely reassure yourself. If you don't trust him, how are you going to trust that anything he says to reassure you isn't a lie?

In this case it seems you have strong reason not to trust him, given how you started. Is anything he says really going to set your mind at ease? If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him.

mummymeister · 14/09/2023 11:58

SmileyClare · 14/09/2023 11:39

Actually a quick look at your past threads is really depressing.

This man coerced you into sex with out a condom when you met, lied about an STD and gave you herpes, cheated repeatedly, is pressuring you to have threesomes and wanting to involve his ex girlfriend.

What the heck?

Honestly you’re young- don’t waste your best years with this arsehole. He’s eroded all your boundaries and has no respect for you.

Get out- wake up- confide in friends and family so they can support you. You sound lost- this is not a normal healthy relationship but you’ve lost all perspective and confidence to see that.

Wow @karlaka he sounds like an absolute catch! i bet he has to beat the girls off with a shitty stick.

You post these circular posts all the time Why does he do this why does he say that why why why? because he is a little shit thats why but worse than that, you are walking round with MUG tattooed on your forehead. you know what he is like and yet STILL you stay with him.

Personally I am looking forward to the next installment where he "accidentally gets another woman pregnant, why" or "he has cheated on me why" or "he wants to video us having sex why" Honest to God there is no helping some people and you lady are one of them.

User838960 · 14/09/2023 12:03

Why on gods green earth do you post about this man every few days?!

mummymeister · 14/09/2023 12:12

User838960 · 14/09/2023 12:03

Why on gods green earth do you post about this man every few days?!

Edited

Because she is desperately trying to find someone to agree with her? or because it makes her feel like she is "doing something" or "not doing nothing". Its a diversion from her shitty reality. rather than spending time and energy looking at how to move on, she spends her time on her "just trying to work out why he is doing/saying that". If ever there was a head that needed wobbling this is it.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 12:15

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

Because he answered you. You indicated you thought he was lying by asking again.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 12:17

Op I feel like you've posted a few times about this relationship and how it began. If you don't trust him, break up with him. You don't need permission to let him go.

CatamaranViper · 14/09/2023 12:23

You either trust him or you don't and it's clear from this that you don't. As soon as you don't trust him, your relationship is dead in the water.

He cheated on his ex with you, eventually told you the truth, you forgave him. You then asked if this was a pattern and he said no. The fact you asked again means you don't believe his answer (and for good reason), but if you don't believe his answer, then what's the point in the relationship?
You'll only ever feel worried, paranoid and shit with him.

GingerIsBest · 14/09/2023 13:13

Putting aside all the red flags in this relationship, if you have to work this hard to stay in this relationship, it's not worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 14:21

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 12:17

Op I feel like you've posted a few times about this relationship and how it began. If you don't trust him, break up with him. You don't need permission to let him go.

She's not looking for permission to leave, she's wanting permission to stay. She wants someone to tell her she's being silly, he's Mr. Wonderful, and of course he would never cheat on her. Again, that is.

Some women absolutely fucking refuse to accept reality or want better for themselves, and the op is one of them.

DatingDinosaur · 14/09/2023 14:41

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:14

But why would he get mad at me for asking?

Because you touched a nerve. Because he can't guarantee he won't do the same to you so had to lie to you. He was telling you what you wanted to hear and couldn't back it up with any genuineness when you wanted to discuss it further.

So he got mad instead.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2023 18:45

Fucksake, OP. Again?? Another thread about the same man where you don't listen you any fo the responses amd them end up justifying his behaviour and arguing with people?

You're either OK with what he did or you're not. And you're clearly not.

He's not going to he honest with you. He doesn't respect you. You're desperately looking for that one person who is going to tell you sincerely that the relationship is om; that asking questions that should never need to he asked are ok and to what end? What are you actually going to do other than post every couple of weeks about him?

Dery · 14/09/2023 19:04

@karlaka - what did you learn about relationships growing up that makes you hang on to this guy? He’s awful.

SnackQueen · 14/09/2023 19:05

FFS OP. Are you a troll or just really thick? You keep coming on here and asking the same fvcking questions about the same fvcking loser. It's fvcking annoying.

INeedAnotherName · 14/09/2023 19:22

karlaka · 14/09/2023 10:09

we've been together since 1.5 years after his 'coming-out'

What do you mean "coming out"?

Please tell me this other poster isn't correct?? That is actually horrifying if true 😱 Get the hell away from him!
This man coerced you into sex with out a condom when you met, lied about an STD and gave you herpes, cheated repeatedly, is pressuring you to have threesomes and wanting to involve his ex girlfriend.

Howlongdoesittake · 14/09/2023 20:18

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:46

I do realise that he has done that. He said it himself. He cheated on two women, and hurt two people who he loved/had feelings for

But if he really loved and cared for you and her he wouldn't have treated you both the way he did. Knowing the hurt he would cause.

ninjasnap · 15/09/2023 02:57

Zenana · 14/09/2023 11:21

Not this again. You're constantly posting about this guy but still with him. Why?

This⬆️ if you are posting this much, something's wrong.

AgentJohnson · 15/09/2023 04:26

He cheated and lied to his Ex because he could and wanted to, these ‘reasons’ will apply to you when he feels like it, you haven’t changed him. He got mad because him seeing the error of his ways and being attuned to your feelings, is purely performative. In other words be grateful for his ‘honesty’ and ‘remorse’ but don’t you dare question or challenge him because your feelings/ want for reassurance, aren’t important to him.

The balls in your court, not his. It’s very clear who he is, if you choose to stay in a relationship with him after he lied to you and his Ex then that’s on you. He’s made it clear that he will pick and choose when he performs his remorse act, not you.

If you want reassurance that he isn’t the man who will give it to you.

LightSpeeds · 15/09/2023 06:18

He's a liar and a cheater. I wouldn't feel confident about him treating you any better. Sorry.

autienotnaughty · 15/09/2023 06:34

karlaka · 14/09/2023 10:24

But why would he tell me it's naive? Why would he not just reassure me?

Because he's defensive and when people who don't know how to process their feelings feel defensive they tend to attack the other person and blame/insult them.

He proved he is untrustworthy with his actions, yes it's likely he will do the same to you. You can either take you chances and trust him. Or end the relationship.