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Was this OK to ask?

89 replies

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:07

My boyfriend was still in a long-distance relationship when we were dating. They still saw each other every few weeks. After 9 months of us dating, he broke up with her and then told me the truth.

I decided to forgive him and give him a second chance.

Then I asked him if it's a pattern for him to be in a relationship, lose interest after 1 year, and then cheat. He said no. I asked him again because I was afraid of being the next one.

He got angry and said my question was unfair and naive. He had already said no, and he felt like I was probing further. What happened had only occurred once, and I just wanted reassurance, so I asked if it was a pattern.
What do you think? Was my question unfair or okay?

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 15/09/2023 06:54

@karlaka, after 9 months of your Partner’s lies, infidelity, and transmission of genital warts, I wouldn’t be championing his finally coming clean.

This guy is the prince of hidden agendas. It suited him to lead a double life, fooling his two unsuspecting girlfriends for almost a year. When you were diagnosed with the STI in November of 22, he lied that he was diagnosed almost a year previously, but you later discovered it was actually in May 22, a few months before you started dating in July.

When you two put a joint profile on a swinging platform, he suggested a certain guy there whom he knew to be a former FWB of his Ex. You nixed that pronto, so were surprised to later discover that he was still talking to the guy and had suggested moving their chat to Telegram. Most posters were appalled that he was pushing your boundaries, and some wondered if he hoped word would get back to the Ex. A few mentioned a possible cuckold fantasy.

You were recently concerned about his taking his former intern, who will soon be returning full-time, to his work’s summer event. He’d told you that he didn’t want to take you, as only colleagues would be there. It turned out that hardly any colleagues were there, but many external individuals were. You were worried that his intent was to be alone with the intern.

@karlaka, this self-serving, massively entitled guy has proven multiple times that he is capable of so much deception. He’s very conniving. He has cheated, robbed your agency and consent, given you an STI, and callously disregarded your boundaries. You write threads of concern, but then have an answer to everything to justify and rationalize his behavior.

Proceed with him at your own peril.

Babygirl888 · 15/09/2023 07:23

He did something very deceitful and has shown he is capable of that behaviour. When people have that in them, nobody is exempt as they act only for themselves. Personally when a person does a shit thing to me, I dont ask questions etc because if they have the form to do it in the first place - which requires alot of lying - they definitely have the form to lie about it when asked also, so no answer would be satisfactory to me personally.

perfectcolourfound · 15/09/2023 18:32

He's already cheated on you. For 9 months. So you already know he's happy to cheat on you.

BackAgainstWall · 15/09/2023 21:52

You should be very concerned that he cheated on you for 9 months.
That’s a very long time to keep up deception.
With respect you are very naive to trust this man.

Frogger8395 · 15/09/2023 22:58

I think you asked him again because you wanted him to lie. You didn’t want reassurance because there cannot be any. He’s a cheat.

You wanted him to lie.

LifeExperience · 15/09/2023 23:49

He's a liar and a cheat. He's angry because he doesn't want to answer questions about his deplorable behavior. He won't change. He cheated on her and he cheated on you. He will absolutely cheat again. And again. And again.

Epidote · 16/09/2023 10:32

What is the purpose of asking someone that already is been lying and cheating on you if they are going to do it again?

And more unusual why the need to find a pattern?

I think you won't know if he is going to cheat again if you don't give it a go to the relationship, and even with that he may cheat and you not find it out.

The answer to your question is always no. No one is going to recognise is a cheater on a time schedule even if the are.

He lies, that is a fact.
He cheats, that is a fact.

He is not unreasonable to be annoyed by your repeated question because the question itself doesn't make sense and it is constructed to make he feel bad, regardless of the two previous facts that tell us he is not very trustworthy.

So, yeah, I would be annoyed if I were him and I would be more annoyed and very wary of his conduct if I were you.

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/09/2023 10:56

@karlaka I remember your original thread about this guy and asking if people would have given him a 2nd chance. I commented at the time and it would appear there are many many issues with this guy from your other threads about him. Why are you living a life of angst with this guy who just wants to be with other women?

Whataretheodds · 16/09/2023 10:59

karlaka · 14/09/2023 09:20

Well I'm not sure if that's the case. People do change. He has admitted to cheating on her and told me the truth, even though I would have never found out.

He told you the truth after NINE MONTHS?

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/09/2023 11:03

@Whataretheodds he also takes other girls to work events instead of the OP and is also trying to arrange the OP to have sex with men she doesn’t want to. There have been many threads recently about this guy and each thread I think, why on earth is @karlaka with this man?

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/09/2023 11:05

@karlaka I hope you have good family and friends around you as it reads in all your threads as though you are quite vulnerable with this man.

Goodornot · 16/09/2023 11:07

How was he meant to respond to that?

He said no, you didn't believe him.
He said yes, well you probably still wouldn't have dumped him.

He lied to both of you and got away with it as you didn't dump him.

Whattodowithit88 · 16/09/2023 11:08

As if he is going to turn around and say yes that’s what I do 🙄 he needs time to find another before leaving one so if he told you the truth it doesn’t give him any time does it.

9 months by the way, his a cheat!! 9 months! One month, maybe two to ensure you was worth it but 9! Cake and eat it comes to mind .

Starlightstarbright2 · 16/09/2023 13:57

SallyWD · 14/09/2023 09:24

The key thing is - you asked again because you're still feeling insecure and deep down you don't fully trust him.
Think about this - not the fact you asked him twice but why you asked him twice.
You say you've forgiven him yet you clearly haven't moved on (and I wouldn't have either).

This is my exact thought . I never ever trust anyone 100% but you are now worried . He doesn’t want to mention it because he thinks you have forgiven him so doesn’t have to discuss it or mention it again

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