How many marriages are like this?

[Vampiresinsummer]

Held together by not wanting to be apart from kids, financial/security reasons. Rather than genuine love and interest in each other…
My marriage is seriously on the rocks and talking to people around me, it seems like most are ‘settling’ for a good enough situation by the time kids are involved. But once you’ve realised you’re unhappy it’s so hard to be content with this.

Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for security? Did you and now regret it or are you glad you stayed?

Is the cause of your happiness solvable? Would you consider counselling etc?. I mean, kids are such a pressure and personal time is severely impacted, never mind time as a couple, so I don't think people can expect the same kind of happy-go-lucky relationship that existed at the start. Obviously, abuse etc is a red line but if it's boredom or you've grown apart then I'd be working very hard to overcome it so my children had stability.

I’d stay in an otherwise happy marriage for security, even if I was a bit meh but mine became toxic and physical so we divorced.

I think most marriages go through patches where you’re not getting on very well. I’m peri menopausal and it’s feeling pretty shaky at times. Plus he pisses me off. This is coinciding with our burry in our girls who can be vile.

But we are trying to push through as I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Mine is. Really unhappy but would have to give up custody of kids to H, who I know could not cope with them (solid reasons for this), and live in poverty. I couldn't afford anywhere where the kids could stay overnight with me. It would ruin me and so I'd still be miserable if I left. Probably more so. So I stay and try to have a good life outside of the marriage but I'd leave in a heartbeat if I realistically could.

Its no way to live really, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who had another choice.

I think lots of marriages are held together by kids. The thing is though, if the kids and other stresses were removed then the marriage might actually be reasonably happy! The problem is that you have kids, mortgage, financial stresses, health issues that start to creep up in middle age, and just general boredom and stagnation. So yeah, the kids and stuff hold the marriage together - but they’re also what’s pushing it apart.

I left. I'm financially worse off, but far, far happier. More importantly my DD is happier, and was within months of the split. I love being financially independent and I wouldn't go back or have stayed even if ex was a millionaire.

My marriage has been on the rocks for years - bringing up kids, house moves, jobs and general life stresses have not helped I'm sure.

I tried everything to make things better - couples counselling, individual counselling, always trying to talk to DH and understand him and our dynamic. However I have realised over the past few years that he is emotionally abusive and has narcissistic tendencies.

I have cried every day for over a year feeling so conflicted - how can I break up the family, the children will be heartbroken, finances will be so tight. I'm also scared of DH's reaction.

I also spoke to friends and realised that a lot of people don't seem happy in their relationships, but are staying for stability for the children. Quite a few of my friends said that their husbands are often moody and passive aggressive but they just try to stay out of their way. I tried to do that too with DH.

But something happened a few weeks ago - the penny dropped that I just cannot stay in this situation. Whatever the difficulties I know I have to leave and am getting ready to do so.

I am sure that DH will be shocked when I tell him - he doesn't seem to realise that the frequent passive aggressiveness, eye rolling, up and down moodiness and general lack of support have been death by a thousand cuts.

As well as still feeling grief and guilt, I've actually felt a bit excited at times - ok I will be poor, but I will be free!

I think an awful lot of people (especially in their 40's upwards) live like this.
My husband and I live a modest but okay lifestyle together, separately I would probably be In social housing with the kids and he would be in a bedsit.
We have been together around 20 years and neither of us feel that is an option for us.
Sometimes security and convenience is a better option than chucking it all away in the hope you might find someone better.

I defo know lots of people in this position. Some close friends are absolutely in this state, and it's starting to make one of them ill, but neither of them can see that separation would probably be an improvement.

Hmm, really interesting replies. I know it sounds naive but I was quite shocked to hear how many people around me weren’t particularly happy in their marriages. Like I had a couple of friends/acquaintances who seemed genuinely happy and then let’s say a dozen who seemed to have major issues but were staying for security.

@yeahme125 sorru to hear you’re so unhappy - if you split would you not get half the house etc? And maybe more if you’re the lower earner? Sorry if I’ve misunderstood. It might be worth getting legal advice.

@Chocolateglitter good for you! Sounds like you would definitely be happier not in that situation, it sounds awful.

I am not sure if our problems are solveable, tbh. Sometimes I think they are, sometimes it feels hopeless.

I’m fortunate in that I would still be married to my H kids or not, lots of money or not, I like him and love him.

However you’re very much not alone. I have two or three friends in the position of feeling tied to someone they’d rather not be with, and it just seems to seep all the colour out of them. It’s horrible to watch.

There are many posts on here from people, now adults, who sincerely wish their parents had split up when they were younger. Children are not daft and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between their parents.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled.

As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children” needs to be questioned.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Do not be afraid to move along with your life and take your own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce is not failure - living in such unhappiness is.

@SoftKittyBazinga ‘seep all the colour out of them’ is such an accurate description, very sadly 😞

I wonder how many of us are genuinely stuck? Or is it just fear? For me it would be tough but not impossible financially. I’ve had friends who’ve realised (whether through universal credit or a share in the house) that it would be better than they’d expected, financially at least. Personally I’m just terrified of the ramifications, of making the wrong choice by leaving. But I’m also terrified of being destroyed by the situation - it feels like a lose-lose.

Amongst my friends, it is those who made the decision to separate and or otherwise divorce who seem more content that those who have decided to remain in conflicted or otherwise mediocre marriages.

Vampires

Feel the fear and do it anyway. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you, and I agree with you. But when I say stay together ‘for the children’ a lot of what I mean is, to not lose contact with the children. Divorce often means only seeing kids half the time and many people can’t countenance that. But maybe that’s selfish, in a way, based on what you’re saying?

I left wasn't married but he is my child's father. It was a no brainer for me as I went back to work so had my own money/job. He didn't want to pay towards household bills I can't tolerate someone who is immoral he's a tight arse up until this day. Glad I left though as life's too short, I stuck to my one DC and never had baby no2 because of this!

I don’t know any couples that stay together for convenience rather than happiness (as far as I know).

But I think we’d have put the kids first in this scenario. If we were muddling along together without fighting or obvious discord, both of us living ft with the children and keeping our marital home and lifestyle would definitely have been the priority. Our children would have been devastated if we’d split. Still would be and they’re 24 and 21!

@BirdiePlantaganet you might be surprised! I thought that too until we had problems, then it was like almost every couple I knew (even those I thought were ‘perfect couples’) confided they were deeply unhappy or on the verge of splitting up. Maybe it’s our age or a post-covid thing, but it’s genuinely wide spread amongst people I know.

I think there’s a difference between “ financially tough” and “ financially impossible” for some - depending on the area of the country you’re in. I’m in the SE. I would imagine there are more people sticking together through financial necessity around here.

@Divebar2021 yes I certainly don’t doubt that for some it would be genuinely impossible, but I have known people at very different ends of the wealth scale who’ve made it work (when they thought it was impossible for various reasons).

Yes, you’re probably right. My friend is a relationship counsellor and all of her clients are in long-term relationships in the 45-55 age bracket.

Among my friends and family it's the couples with children that have the unhappy marriages. Lots of them are childfree and they all seem to have very happy marriages and all have been married over 25 years.

Also a lot of my friends with children are divorced (a couple more than once) but none of my childfree friends are

50/50 is a starting point, not an absolute and it may well be that you would have the children far more than just half the week. Also some men shout about wanting half the week as a further attempt to regain power and control over the woman whom they see merely as a possession or as a means to avoid maintenance. Some men may well also see the kids as interfering with their work, social and love lives so won’t be around half the week.

Still married here.
It doesn’t work due to very differing needs
But yes finances keep me here.