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Original poster

How many marriages are like this?

90 replies

Vampiresinsummer · 13/09/2023 11:37

Held together by not wanting to be apart from kids, financial/security reasons. Rather than genuine love and interest in each other…
My marriage is seriously on the rocks and talking to people around me, it seems like most are ‘settling’ for a good enough situation by the time kids are involved. But once you’ve realised you’re unhappy it’s so hard to be content with this.

Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for security? Did you and now regret it or are you glad you stayed?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2023 14:21

I think there are more people staying in marriages for reasons other than love than we realize.

The 'successful' (if you can call it success) ones are the ones who have simply 'grown apart' and are pretty much living separate lives whilst living in the same house. They manage coparenting and run the household 'together' and in their later years after the DC are gone probably settle into some form of companionship.

The 'unsuccessful' are the ones where either the love has died only in one party so the other keeps striving to keep the marriage 'real', or one or both partners is abusive to the other, is narcissistic, or will not keep up their end of the domestic 'bargain' (paying fair share, domestic duties, child duties, etc). Those people are miserable, chances are their children are miserable, and it will only get worse as they get older. Those are the ones who need to get the hell out no matter the cost. Living in toxicity does no one any good in any way, including the children.

I suppose I could live in the first situation. But I would never live in the second.

Avatartar · 13/09/2023 14:21

How do you keep yourself motivated and what do you find to bring a bit of positivity when in this situation to prevent becoming depressed, downtrodden etc?

boromu222 · 13/09/2023 14:25

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2023 12:29

There are many posts on here from people, now adults, who sincerely wish their parents had split up when they were younger. Children are not daft and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between their parents.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled.

As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children” needs to be questioned.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Do not be afraid to move along with your life and take your own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce is not failure - living in such unhappiness is.

This is such patronising, offensive, bollocks.

Our children will pick on the unspoken vibes and we should split so they are happy?

Happy do you think they will be leaving their home, their school, their friends? How happy will they be going from a nice enough life with money and two parents all the time, to a small flat, sharing rooms and a mother with no money who has to work more hours to just get by? How happy will they be seeing their dad once a week as he's living on the other side of town with family,? How happy will they be when theres no money for new shoes or holidays and their parents are even more miserable than they were?

Divorce for many people means tipping into real poverty, it means ruining your childrens lives.

"We owe them out truth". FFS, spare me.

JaneyGee · 13/09/2023 14:25

Sugarcoatt · 13/09/2023 12:00

I think lots of marriages are held together by kids. The thing is though, if the kids and other stresses were removed then the marriage might actually be reasonably happy! The problem is that you have kids, mortgage, financial stresses, health issues that start to creep up in middle age, and just general boredom and stagnation. So yeah, the kids and stuff hold the marriage together - but they’re also what’s pushing it apart.

Yes, very true. My guesstimate is that the majority of couples with kids are only together because of the money, the dread of leaving the house and moving into a grotty flat in a shit part of town, etc. Children really do blow a lot of marriages apart. All the lazy sundays, and romance, and sex, and so on, goes. Instead, you have noise and stress and exhaustion and bad smells. Some couples hold on to the love and sex, but it depends on what type of kid they have. If the child is difficult, disobedient, badly behaved, sleeps poorly, etc, it's often too much.

But I agree that a hell of a lot of those marriages could have survived, and even flourished, without children.

C1N1C · 13/09/2023 14:26

Another way of wording this... how many perfectly good marriages have collapsed because of the stresses children put on them?

It's a known fact that most marriages break up because of either kids, money, or family... I wonder what the percentage for each is.

BirdiePlantaganet · 13/09/2023 14:28

We are lucky enough to have a very happy, strong and long marriage with kids.

Would we have been even happier without them after 28 years of marriage? Probably 😂

TGGreen · 13/09/2023 14:33

I think it's important to recognise a marriage that's broken and one experiencing a period of hardship. There have been times I've thought of separation but it's been a temporary blip brought on by things such as frustration at my ill health, menopause, grief, DH's ADHD not being always easy to live with, etc.
I love DH and it's difficult to imagine life without him. We've been married 30 years and share the same core values. There are lines that cannot be crossed (any abuse or infidelity) but barring that I think we'll always be together. We have gone through times that others may not have. I'm glad I didn't walk away. I've seen several friends (male and female) think the grass was greener and bitterly regret the life they chose.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 13/09/2023 14:34

Brilliant post by @AttilaTheMeerkat

boromu222 · 13/09/2023 14:39

AvocadotoastORahouse · 13/09/2023 14:34

Brilliant post by @AttilaTheMeerkat

Is that a joke?

StEtienne93 · 13/09/2023 14:43

I'm currently going through a divorce, so obviously decided it wasn't worth staying. I wouldn't say that I'm happy yet, but I do have a sense of peace that I haven't had in years. Financially it's more difficult, and being away from my DD (50/50 co-parenting) is hard. But overall, my live has improved and I believe it will continue to do so as I get used to the new normal.

yeahme125 · 13/09/2023 14:44

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Stumpy54321 · 13/09/2023 14:44

Yes this is us 100%. I’m financially reliant on the husband. Couldn’t support myself on my own or have the stable lifestyle I have now. So we just live as friends share a bed but haven't been intimate for many years and I have no desire to be. I do worry for when we are retired and have to spend all out time together as work is a good distraction

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2023 14:46

"Divorce for many people means tipping into real poverty, it means ruining your childrens lives".

So what do you advocate then?.

There are children who are happier, healthier and safer after divorce too like it or not. It often comes down to what home life is like before and after divorce.

Original poster
Vampiresinsummer · 13/09/2023 14:51

So many interesting replies, many of them reflect the debate in my own head between keeping a secure situation (not just for the kids, for me too) and the possibility of being happier - or maybe just of not being grindingly unhappy. I read something the other day about it never working for one person to sacrifice themselves for other people - ie it always leads to problems and resentments.

For me we kind of muddled along for years but then something happened which shook us up - and since then I haven’t been able to muddle along anymore. My unhappiness is just staring me in the face, whereas I used to push it down and distract myself.

OP posts:
boromu222 · 13/09/2023 14:52

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2023 14:46

"Divorce for many people means tipping into real poverty, it means ruining your childrens lives".

So what do you advocate then?.

There are children who are happier, healthier and safer after divorce too like it or not. It often comes down to what home life is like before and after divorce.

And there are many children who are not. So I advocate you not lecturing people in such a patronising manner when you do not know what you are talking about.

Divorce does not magically make children happier. A lot of the time it makes them much unhappier.

bringoutthebranston · 13/09/2023 15:04

honeyandfizz · 13/09/2023 13:02

I was like this with my first husband, over 12 years of staying together for the DC. I wouldn't admit to myself that I didn't love him and just kept pushing through - it was never that bad but that good either. Things changed once the dc reached a certain age and I just knew I needed to find the courage to end it, I was terrified of the effect on our children. It has been 7 years now and I never ever had a nanosecond of regret, it was a mutual, amicable (at the time) split and the best thing I ever did. I have loved these past 7 years being a single Mum and the DC handled it far far better than I could have imagined.

This was my situation too. I was the breadwinner for 17 years and I knew that if I left my STBEH I would be the one to walk away from my DS and have to see him at weekends. I was never ever going to do that. I stayed and made the best of it, always knowing in the back of my mind that once my DS was 18 I would walk. It wasn't an abusive marriage just, as I realise it now, and so many of my friends could see, was controlling (passively as someone else said). I wasn't unhappy for all those years but knew I could be happier.

Finally got the courage las year - my DS is nearly 18 and it has had an effect on him of course, but he understands so much more and my relationship with him is pretty good despite my DH's efforts to turn him against me. He will live with us 50/50 until he goes to Uni. I am going to be happy, so is my Ex once his bitterness has subsided and so will my Son. I have no regrets.

MammaTo · 13/09/2023 15:07

Sugarcoatt · 13/09/2023 12:00

I think lots of marriages are held together by kids. The thing is though, if the kids and other stresses were removed then the marriage might actually be reasonably happy! The problem is that you have kids, mortgage, financial stresses, health issues that start to creep up in middle age, and just general boredom and stagnation. So yeah, the kids and stuff hold the marriage together - but they’re also what’s pushing it apart.

This is all true!

yeahme125 · 13/09/2023 15:08

There are children who are happier, healthier and safer after divorce too like it or not. It often comes down to what home life is like before and after divorce

Well I am glad to see a final acknowledgement that home life after the split matters too, to children's happiness. A thing those of us in this situation think about continually. If the leaving parent thinks they will still be miserable after leaving, plus have the grinding stress of poverty, unstable and insecure and expensive housing, living in a area of multiple disadvantage, isolated and all the rest, then its reasonable to calculate the children will not be happier in that situation.

Its quite an involved and complex decision for many to face. And lecturing platitudes don't really help.

Luckydip1 · 13/09/2023 15:18

I think most people stick at it until they cannot stand the other person and then get divorced at that point. Very few marriages are truly happy.

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 15:20

There are children who are happier, healthier and safer after divorce too like it or not.

@AttilaTheMeerkat and no one has disputed that.
What some posters and myself are saying is that it’s not the right answer fir EVERYONE. If you are financially independent, can buy the other one out etc… yes it might well be.
For people who will tip into poverty (fur both parents btw), insisting that divorce is the only possible choice ‘for the children’ utterly crap and is totally disconnected to reality Imo.

pollo8 · 13/09/2023 15:27

An eye-opening thread, thanks to all the posters for their honesty. I read another thread about stepchildren/blended families this morning – similar searing honesty there.

Someone I love (a relative) is in a marriage with an alcoholic, who is sometimes unbearable, yet other times reasonably pleasant. Leaving would mean losing the modest but lovely house they have worked so hard for, they would struggle to care for pets by themselves and they would have loneliness and worries for the spouse to contend with. I used to think 'just leave!' and it has taken me a long time (and this thread) to understand more deeply.

ActDottie · 13/09/2023 16:02

Definitely not my marriage

Uplakeyhill · 13/09/2023 16:13

I can't bear the thought of getting old with my husband. There is no love, no affection, no sex. I don't particularly like him anymore, and we have nothing in common apart from our children. I have told him so many times how unhappy I am and he couldn't care less. We live our lives separately in the same house. I am waiting until the kids are older and the finances are better and then I'm out of here. 3 ½ years to go......

Crikeyalmighty · 13/09/2023 16:29

@boromu222 I agree with much of that. There is always too the assumption that there will be enough for a new if smaller place in the area etc or stay in the home- there are an awful lot of couples (ourselves included) these days who private rent - even in their 40sand 50s and 60s and don't have tons of assets or inheritances. In many parts of the country it's nigh on impossible then to find decent rentals- even if income is decent on one income due to the formula they use- even if you've got a fair bit of cash some for whatever reason won't let you pay 6 or 12 months up front etc- just saying leave isn't always an easy logistical option. - and if you don't have children or kids no longer at home you aren't a HA or council priority either.

yeahme125 · 13/09/2023 16:37

Crikeyalmighty · 13/09/2023 16:29

@boromu222 I agree with much of that. There is always too the assumption that there will be enough for a new if smaller place in the area etc or stay in the home- there are an awful lot of couples (ourselves included) these days who private rent - even in their 40sand 50s and 60s and don't have tons of assets or inheritances. In many parts of the country it's nigh on impossible then to find decent rentals- even if income is decent on one income due to the formula they use- even if you've got a fair bit of cash some for whatever reason won't let you pay 6 or 12 months up front etc- just saying leave isn't always an easy logistical option. - and if you don't have children or kids no longer at home you aren't a HA or council priority either.

Yes. The destruction of the social rented sector has led to the growth of the private rented sector which is overpriced, full of thousands of minor player landlords who are risk averse and often don't want families with kids so its hard to find a rental in the first place, insecure as landlords sell up at will, leading to a costly move and real risk of homelessness, kids needing to move schools again. And all of this shit show in the housing market has led to unhappy couples unable to separate.

Yet there are those on this thread unable to comprehend that splitting means anything other getting a smaller place, cutting a holiday and year and living a life of joy.