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Original poster

How many marriages are like this?

90 replies

Vampiresinsummer · 13/09/2023 11:37

Held together by not wanting to be apart from kids, financial/security reasons. Rather than genuine love and interest in each other…
My marriage is seriously on the rocks and talking to people around me, it seems like most are ‘settling’ for a good enough situation by the time kids are involved. But once you’ve realised you’re unhappy it’s so hard to be content with this.

Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for security? Did you and now regret it or are you glad you stayed?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 13/09/2023 13:02

Do you have any money for some individual counselling OP?

honeyandfizz · 13/09/2023 13:02

I was like this with my first husband, over 12 years of staying together for the DC. I wouldn't admit to myself that I didn't love him and just kept pushing through - it was never that bad but that good either. Things changed once the dc reached a certain age and I just knew I needed to find the courage to end it, I was terrified of the effect on our children. It has been 7 years now and I never ever had a nanosecond of regret, it was a mutual, amicable (at the time) split and the best thing I ever did. I have loved these past 7 years being a single Mum and the DC handled it far far better than I could have imagined.

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 13:05

@AttilaTheMeerkat there has been many discussions around that.
For some people divorce doesn’t mean ‘things will tough fur a while’ or ‘can’t have as much as they use to have’. It means deep poverty (mainly reasons for that - not helped by the CoL)

And this has a huge impact on children - things like moving away from where they lived, living in a rougher area, schools not as good, no money etc etc. Hopefully not all of those things at once but many of them. You can’t deny that, apart from the divorce itself, the effect can be huge.
Ofc, if you are a MC, with a good qualification in the first place, have some family around to help eg with childcare etc…. It’s a different ball park. But I wouldn’t assume this is the case for everyone.

CollagenQueen · 13/09/2023 13:11

I was married at 20. We had children and the best of everything. I was genuinely happy. Unknown to me though, he was cheating on me a lot behind my back, for many years. Once I found this out, I stayed for 4 years, for the reasons you mention : security (he was a much higher earner), the house, the holidays, the children's happiness. Also, it was hard to imagine being with anyone else, as he had been my first partner in life!

We limped on for those 4 years. He showed little remorse and kept on with his flirty and shady behaviour, so I walked away. I went from being rich to being quite poor over night.

It's now 15 years on, and my finances have recovered. I had a redundancy pay out, an inheritance (sadly of course), and have my own business which pays very well. I am also married to someone else, and exceptionally happy and in love with him.

All things considered, I wouldn't change anything, but I am still guilty about the impact this had on my children, who took a long time to accept the break up. Well actually, my son was fine, but my daughter took a long while to get over it. They are adults now though, and completely over it, and they get along well with our subsequent partners.

I think it depends on why you aren't getting along. My elderly Dad always says that in marriage you can get over most things, but never infidelity, and I think I do agree with that.

yeahme125 · 13/09/2023 13:11

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 13:05

@AttilaTheMeerkat there has been many discussions around that.
For some people divorce doesn’t mean ‘things will tough fur a while’ or ‘can’t have as much as they use to have’. It means deep poverty (mainly reasons for that - not helped by the CoL)

And this has a huge impact on children - things like moving away from where they lived, living in a rougher area, schools not as good, no money etc etc. Hopefully not all of those things at once but many of them. You can’t deny that, apart from the divorce itself, the effect can be huge.
Ofc, if you are a MC, with a good qualification in the first place, have some family around to help eg with childcare etc…. It’s a different ball park. But I wouldn’t assume this is the case for everyone.

This. Being lectured by internet strangers on things we already know and think about constantly, just comes across as deeply patronising. We know our lives better than some hectoring internet stranger. Do you not think we have researched it all thoroughly and thought about it from every bloody angle?

CoreopsisEverywhere · 13/09/2023 13:15

Lots, ime. It’s usually financial factors making it impossible to leave.

TeenLifeMum · 13/09/2023 13:16

I’m happily married and dh is very much a partner and best friend but it would have to be really bad for me to sacrifice half my time with my dc. I don’t want them living away from me. I know it’s unavoidable sometimes but I would tolerate a lot to stay with them.

bringonyourwreckingball · 13/09/2023 13:20

I was in this situation until something forced my hand (infidelity) so now we are divorcing. That hasn’t been easy and I am worried about being on my own long term but I can see a point where I will ultimately be happier.

Lily0719 · 13/09/2023 13:20

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2023 12:29

There are many posts on here from people, now adults, who sincerely wish their parents had split up when they were younger. Children are not daft and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between their parents.

When marriages are angry, conflicted, or terribly mediocre, parents often default to staying together for the purported sake of the children. As our children grow older, they tend to replicate relationships similar to what their parents modeled.

As parents we’d never say we want our children to suffer or struggle in their relationships. Yet that’s the greater likelihood. It’s not what we say, but what we do that matters. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships. From this perspective the sincerity of the expression “for the sake of the children” needs to be questioned.

If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright. Waiting for the children to go off to college and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them. We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth.

Do not be afraid to move along with your life and take your own responsibility for happiness. Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. At other times, it’s easier to blame your partner for your discontent than to come out of your sense of victimhood. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce is not failure - living in such unhappiness is.

This!

PharmaCake · 13/09/2023 13:22

Im Unhappy. I don’t love DH anymore, I don’t want to be physical with him. However im also in the midst of a burnout/mental health crisis so I don’t know if what I feel is real and I won’t be saying a word to anyone till I know. I think he is still content but I don’t know.

GuanYinShanxi · 13/09/2023 13:27

I’ve been married and unhappy but every time it wasn’t the marriage that was making me unhappy. Once it was post partum depression. Once it was the most awful boss who would bully me to tears. Once it was the sheer exhaustion of having primary age children and sorting wrap around child care, after school activities, the constant school fundraiser and nonuniform days- we were both unhappy then. I was unhappy DH wasn’t rich so I could be a SAHM or just work PT like many mums could. DH was just as exhausted as I was as he always did his fair share but was sick of his work constantly going “can’t your wife do that?” Every time it was his turn to take time off for a sick child or to take them to one of their football games. So we decided it was us against the world for that phase!

Being able to be admit to each other when we were unhappy and stressed and exhausted, it meant we were able to lean on each other and get through the hard bits one step at a time. If you can’t be there for each other, then that is not a good marriage.

I understand for many it is the marriage or their partner making them unhappy. Cheating, not pulling their weight, being abusive, being unsupportive, parenting style conflicts, constant arguments and nitpicking. So yes, some are unhappy and married due to their partner.

GuanYinShanxi · 13/09/2023 13:30

PharmaCake · 13/09/2023 13:22

Im Unhappy. I don’t love DH anymore, I don’t want to be physical with him. However im also in the midst of a burnout/mental health crisis so I don’t know if what I feel is real and I won’t be saying a word to anyone till I know. I think he is still content but I don’t know.

I felt that way when I had PPD. I didn’t even love my newborn. I felt like a ghost who gave zero fucks about anything and everything just drifting through the world. I also wanted to run away and never come back home- apparently very common.

It’s good you are tackling your mental health crisis first, it can seriously mess with our heads. I hope you start feeling more yourself soon and you have good support.

borninthe80esss · 13/09/2023 13:31

I'm almost 10 years into my relationship/marriage and I think it depends on what you mean by staying in an unhappy marriage.
So for me and my DH the first 5 years were great, years 6-8 not the best and at moments deeply unhappy for both of us.
A lot of that was covid,money worries ect.
Yrs 8-10. The best it has ever been.. kids abit older, better jobs/money/less stress.
If I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life feeling like I did in years 6-8 then no I'd start looking at my options but if you can see hope of better times then work on what you both need to change to make it happier. I don't think marriage is supposed to be continuous happiness but if it's continuous unhappiness then look into counselling or divorce.

BurntOutGirl · 13/09/2023 13:32

I did.

By the time XH left for OW our marriage had been dead for 14yrs.

We both stayed as there was no reason not too. We were financially very secure, both lived our separate lives. No physical violence although looking back, he did gaslight me terribly.

I did always hope that we'd get our marriage back on track but he met the OW and we divorced.

I am so much happier now alone.... and he is happily married again. We all get along absolutely fine... probably better now then at the end of our marriage!

I don't regret staying, as l would have struggled as a single parent when the DC were young as one has disabilities but l also am very pleased that he met the OW and left.

ManchesterLu · 13/09/2023 13:36

It's incredibly common, but all I'd say is that it'll be better for EVERYONE if you're living apart and happier. That way the time the kids spend with each of you will be much more positive.

Eleventweeny · 13/09/2023 13:40

I haven't been happy in my marriage for a long time. It's not that bad, certainly no abuse or anything. I've just lost every last bit of attraction towards my husband. We've been together since we were 20 (now in our 30s) and I feel like I've grown up but he hasn't. He's like an overgrown child and it's so unappealing. I've only really seen it since we became parents. So again, maybe I'll feel different again when we are past this stage of life.

Husband knows I'm not happy and what my frustrations are, but he has no idea how little I like him these days. We have an active sex life, which I enjoy if I've had a couple of drinks (I know! It's terrible). I can't kiss him though and he has asked me why. I say it's because I don't like his facial hair (that he didn't have when we were younger). Partly true, but there's far more to it than that. I just want to pretend I'm with someone else.

I'm a SAHM and I bloody love my everyday life. We are not particularly well off, but we live in an area I never want to leave and have security, which is SO important to me. I don't know what would happen if we split up. Not unhappy enough to find out. I do know I would want to stay single though. I'm very introverted and really like the thought of living alone, rather than trying to get used to someone else. I also, selfishly, can't stand the thought of my children having a step-mum. I'm not sharing them!

Minikievs · 13/09/2023 13:40

HeffyAgain · 13/09/2023 12:05

I think an awful lot of people (especially in their 40's upwards) live like this.
My husband and I live a modest but okay lifestyle together, separately I would probably be In social housing with the kids and he would be in a bedsit.
We have been together around 20 years and neither of us feel that is an option for us.
Sometimes security and convenience is a better option than chucking it all away in the hope you might find someone better.

I agree with this.
I actually left and am divorced, and the number of friends and acquaintances that say if they could afford to, they'd leave, if astounding.
I'm not sure if it's time of life (I was mid-late 30s when left, mid 40s now) or just that married life isn't all it cracked up to be.
But I'm surprised by the number of people (women) who admit that deep down, they'd leave if they could.

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 13:49

ManchesterLu · 13/09/2023 13:36

It's incredibly common, but all I'd say is that it'll be better for EVERYONE if you're living apart and happier. That way the time the kids spend with each of you will be much more positive.

So in your opinion, it will always be better if one ends up in poverty?

You’ll automatically be happier and a great role model despite the stress of struggling to put food in the table, living in a not very nice area etc….

Original poster
Vampiresinsummer · 13/09/2023 13:50

@Minikievs thats exactly what I found - an astounding amount of people are unhappy. I guess it points to how unaffordable housing is, as well as a stigma that still persists about splitting up?

But also to me the number of deeply unhappy people points to the problems of marriage - of course sometimes it works out really well but as the general model for how to raise families it seems highly flawed. I think covid brought this to a head for a lot of people as they were trapped in the nuclear family day and night.

OP posts:
Ithh · 13/09/2023 13:50

Lots I would imagine. Personally I like to find my happiness in different ways. I don’t rely on anyone else for my own happiness. I’ve found in the past that when I have had periods of relationship angst and thoughts of leaving due to perceived unhappiness, when I have analysed it further, it wasn’t just that making me feel like I did. It was work, money worries, running around after parents etc etc

it’s easy to say with hindsight that adult kids wished their parents had divorced but they didn’t experience the alternative so have nothing to compare it to. It actually depends very much how the next years in their parents life turned out. No kid likes change, no kid wants their parent replaced by some Tom Dick or Sally moving in and playing happy families.

Some newly divorced parents can be very selfish as they put their own needs before their kids in the search for “happiness” and this can have a worse effect on the kids. Not all divorces are amicable and everyone lives happy every after. My mum divorced and my teenage life was awful. We moved house to a smaller one in a rough part of town, she had boyfriends that were not suitable and developed a drinking habit. All this because my dad wasn’t attentive enough! FFs is it important enough to completely shake your kids life up?

Clearly it there is abuse of any kind then I would say leave. If it’s just that general feeling of unhappiness that may actually be down to the grind of life then I would say try and find happiness in other ways.

The happiest couples I know didn’t have kids .

Lill1e · 13/09/2023 13:52

This is my ex 💯

clarebear111 · 13/09/2023 14:08

My DP and I are going through (and have gone through) an extremely challenging few years. We became parents for the first time in May 2020, I developed PND, DP's mother is an alcoholic who has been in a care home with alcohol related brain damage since the start of the year and will be there for the foreseeable future, we've had to sort out her affairs etc, we are dealing with an extremely stressful situation in which we are trying to recover possession of my family home from terrible tenants, are living in his flat whilst we try to sort this out, I'm heavily pregnant, lots of work stress and family stress on top....

I am still head over heels in love with him, and feel he is my soulmate. I appreciate it's early days as our DS is 3 and a bit, and we've been together about 8 years, so who knows how long it will last, but I do at least feel like our relationship has been thoroughly tested (!) by the shiteness of life!

I do also recognise how much more financially challenging it would be if we were to separate, and worry about the effect it would have on our DS and baby number 2, but those are secondary considerations. The primary reason I don't want to leave is because I am hopelessly in love with him and I can't imagine not living with him.

Usernamen · 13/09/2023 14:14

I think you should seriously consider leaving, even if you would be financially worse off.

I’m the product of a family where the parents stayed together ‘for the kids’, or rather, where one parent stayed with an emotionally abusive narcissist because they were financially dependent and didn’t want to ‘disrupt’ the children’s lives. Let me tell you, this was a DISASTROUS decision, and all of the children are fucked up about relationships well into adulthood because of it. Not to mention the relationship with the passive parent who stayed remains very strained, to say the least, to this day. Unsurprisingly it has been difficult to respect someone who kept the children in a toxic environment instead of protecting them.

Children deserve better.

DiaNaranja · 13/09/2023 14:17

I'd say easily over half the women I know (including myself), are unhappy and don't like their husbands very much at all. But, yes, financial security, stability for the kids, "fear of change", keeps couples together while the kids are dependant. If me and DH split I would be financially fucked to be honest. Neither of us could afford to keep the house and buy the other out, and I certainly wouldn't be able to buy anywhere on my own, so would have to rent... rentals are like hens teeth in our area... so what then? Relocate, pull the kids out of their school that they adore, and away from all their friends and the lovely community we are part of? Because that would be the reality for me, and it's not an option as I won't put my children through that. We get on fine, we have a lovely lifestyle, the kids get to go on plenty of wonderful holidays and days out, and I don't want to take that lifestyle from them. My children's happiness is paramount to mine, and I have to keep reminding myself of what I wanted for them when we decided to become parents... A stable home, no financial worries, to travel the world, and get to experience the things I missed out on growing up. I wanted this, I chose this. My feelings might have changed, but that's not their fault, so I have to just suck it up and carry on. For them.

DiaNaranja · 13/09/2023 14:20

Need to add, DH is actually amazing, he really is great. Just not great for me. No abuse, no arguments, no tension, and we parent the kids wonderfully together, we can be a great team, and from the outside, everything probably looks fantastic. Just huge levels of unhappiness in the relationship on both sides. Like we've just fallen out of love I guess. It's sad, but it's the truth.

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