How many marriages are like this?

[Vampiresinsummer]

Held together by not wanting to be apart from kids, financial/security reasons. Rather than genuine love and interest in each other…
My marriage is seriously on the rocks and talking to people around me, it seems like most are ‘settling’ for a good enough situation by the time kids are involved. But once you’ve realised you’re unhappy it’s so hard to be content with this.

Would you stay in an unhappy marriage for security? Did you and now regret it or are you glad you stayed?

Yet there are those on this thread unable to comprehend that splitting means anything other getting a smaller place, cutting a holiday and year and living a life of joy

But you know, we don't owe them a decent home, access to both parents, a good standard of living, or anything like that. We just owe them "our truth", and some other wanky bollocks about taking responsibility. <sarcastic sigh>

@Uplakeyhill This is me 100%. I keep building myself up to tell him how unhappy I am, despite it being glaringly obvious, and he just tells me it's my fault and carries on as if everything's fine. He's done something recently which finally makes me think I am justified in deciding we are over, but still he insists I've driven him to it and that I would be the bad guy if we split up, he's not leaving etc etc. I just feel like I'm going round in circles and cannot resolve this in a way that doesn't hurt the kids. I really dislike the man, and I really dislike who I am around him, and I want to just feel peace.

I haven't conversed on a thread before with @AttilaTheMeerkat but I've seen many posts she has engaged with and I'd love to read a book written by her. (I'm presuming you're a woman, apologies if you're not, Attila!)

Yep ,me 🙋‍♀️

Wow what a useful contribution to the thread, thank you so much

/s

There is of course the other thing that causes issues - sex. Lots (not all) of women get to a stage (I did around menopause) when they are no longer interested in sex with a partner they may well still like a lot and care about- and it's easy to say if you care about them you will just 'do it' - my mind and I suspect many other women's too just doesn't work like that. I actually found myself tensing up and it was pretty obvious I no longer enjoyed it, which is all well and good if you have a partner who isn't that bothered either but can be a real problem if you have a partner who is- even in your late 50s and 60s. Women can then feel they can't put up with this anymore mentally after years of it and initiate divorce even if they still care about their partner. I don't think men get why some women just go off it , because maybe it's rarer that they do- at any age !!

Many by what my experience was. I split when youngest was 18, many friends wished they could have the courage to do the same. They go through the motions of being a couple but a couple admit that they know their h's are having affairs and they are just scared of the financial consequences of splitting up

I wrote a letter once so that I could tell him how I was feeling and that I wanted to separate. I still haven't handed it over.
@MissInterpretation 💐 for you

I think there's a difference between being in an actively unhappy marriage, and just being in a marriage which is a bit dull and you don't spend much time together or have a lot in common. To me, unhappy (but not abusive, which is a different category) means that you really don't like or respect your spouse; perhaps you have incompatible goals in life, fundamentally different attitudes to important things. I think some people are in marriages like that, for a variety of reasons (financial, children, cultural expectations ...) but a lot more are in marriages where it's just a bit lacklustre. Both spouses think the other is a pretty decent person overall, and probably a reasonable co-parent, but there's not a lot of chemistry or romance, or maybe even deep friendship. In the latter case, it very much varies from person to person as to what your expectations are from a marriage, I wouldn't accuse someone of 'settling' by staying in a marriage like that. Not everyone has bought into the romcom picture of an ideal partner and they're quite happy with the situation they've got. I'm divorced (not my choice), but if I'd had the choice then I would have been very happy to stay in a marriage where the kids were well, we could afford to bring them up, my husband was a nice enough person on the same page as me on major life decisions, and I had other friends and family for emotional support. That wasn't the marriage I actually had, but it's one I would have been happy in and not felt like I was settling for second best. I've never been very romantic or had a high sex drive, so it just wouldn't bother me that those things weren't great, they're not high on my list of priorities.

I was in a very unhappy and abusive marriage and now fortunately very happily remarried. I have often thought if ex-h had even been 10% nicer I'd still have been there. Children weigh the scales so heavily towards staying and in my experience it can feel so unclear (for me until the abusive behaviour became impossible to gloss over any more) how much of a counterbalance you need to feel justified in leaving.

Strange to thank god he was as much of an ars*hole as he was.

I think it's unreasonable to think any marriage can be 100% happy for 30/40/50 years without any blips.

I also think that if you need someone else to make you happy, you won't be happy no matter who you're married to.

There are certain standards on which a good life can be built, respect, affection and yes security, which I wouldn't throw away because life's a bit meh for some periods, especially at times when it's going to be hard whatever your situation.

Some of these replies are really sad, I'm sorry some people feel / are stuck in bad relationships.

No I don't feel like this at all and I don't know anyone else like this. One friend is currently going through a separation with young children and even though she is scared and sad about not being with her children as much as they're all used to, she knows it's for the best.

I can relate so much with so many posts on here. Neither of us are happy but I am the breadwinner and if we separated both would be worse off financially, as I would still need to provide for the children, which I would of course do, so feel that the family home would likely be sold and then two smaller properties bought.
Neither of us are completely happy, I suspect she cheated a few years ago although denied anything I said and seems to have gone downhill since then, doesn't feel we have recovered since then because I feel she hid it and not truthful to me and she accused me of being jealous, but not sure of what though.

Nailed it. Kids are the worst buzzkills.

I completely understand how you feel. My other half hasn’t ever been romantic and doesn’t show his feelings at all good or bad. We are no longer affectionate no sex for well over 7 years no hugs no kisses as I gave up after being rejected so many times. We have a dog who I get more affection from and he says I give him more attention I just reply that he deserves it more. I still love him but havnt been ‘in love ‘ for many years. Like you we only have the kids in common. We still do things together holidays and days out but day to day it’s pretty boring. I’m looking forward to retirement but also dreading it as it will be 24/7