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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wear it to Asda

120 replies

TheGoodBanana · 12/09/2023 19:44

Have you ever used the phrase "wow if I looked like that in that dress/bikini/underwear I would wear it to Asda" or similar?

I got a new outfit that I felt absolutely amazing in, big breakthrough for me as I am so critical of my body.

So I was super excited and sent a pic to my DP saying I felt amazing and didn't want to take it off. Then joked I would wear it to ASDA.

It's just a silly phrase and there was clearly no intention of actually wearing it to Asda I was just excited.

Now he is sulking saying I was trying to make him jealous and just wanted to flaunt my self for other people to see.

I genuinely just felt good about myself for once and I think he is being ridiculous and trying to tear down my self esteem to punish me for daring to look good. It's just a silly phrase!

Was I being insensitive and flaunting myself or is DP just having a tantrum because he doesn't want me to feel good about myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 11:26

I can't understand why you would want to control someone else?

I can wrap my head around feeling a bit insecure so trying to reduce the risk of the person going off with someone better. So trying to make them less attractive to others. (not saying it's right but I could understand that at least)

But I just don't know why you would want to control someone for the fun of it. What is the purpose.

OP posts:

MissHarrietBede · 13/09/2023 11:29

What the purpose is does not matter. What matters is the effect it has on the victim of control, as you are now finding out.

Pashazade · 13/09/2023 11:34

Please please please do not marry him, it is so much easier to just walk away now. You sound lovely and the idea of him deliberately dimming your light is awful. Please leave and be happy and be yourself, you will be enough.

MissHarrietBede · 13/09/2023 11:34

Coercive control has been made illegal, and with good reason.

Opentooffers · 13/09/2023 11:45

Sorry but spending 3 days trying to convince him that you didn't literally mean you'd wear it to asda is not really standing up to him, and missing the point. Saying "I'll where it where and when I like, thank you". Is more the mark, then ignore anything further he has to say about it.
The other instances where he has obviously cast a critical gaze before going anywhere, did you moderate your appearance to his desires after? At the very least you should be digging in and wear whatever you like, whenever you like.
It's also a concern that you chose to seek his approval by sending him a pic, when you already know what he is like. It's as if he has already trained you to check whether what you wear meets with his rules and expectations. Send pics to a Friend or plonk it on Facebook like others do for validation if you must.
I'll echo what others say and advise not to marry him. Is there a need to anyway if DC are not on the cards? I wonder how long you have been together and if his niceness and attention, was actually love-bombing? Was it his instigation to get married?

StonwEd · 13/09/2023 11:51

Just come on to say I was with a man like this. Embarrassed me in front of my family and friends when I tried out red lipstick for the first time. Laughed in my face and told them all I’d made a mistake and what did I look like 😭😭😭
please don’t marry him, a good partner would have laughed and told you you should absolutely wear it to do the shopping and anywhere else you damn we’ll want to ❤️❤️

Neekoh · 13/09/2023 11:56

Actually it absolutely is about his insecurity - the controlling aspects of his personality are likely to be due to extreme attempts to ease his own insecurity. This spills over into trying to control you/your actions/your behaviours and, usually, even your thoughts/attitudes/future behaviors.

However it really doesn't make any difference whether you can ascribe more or less of it to insecurity vs. control - the end result is the same for you, and you do not need that kind of horror in your life. It's no way to live.

Your instinct is pleading with you to protect yourself.

BertieBotts · 13/09/2023 12:00

Please do not try to convince him that he is wrong. It will just make it worse. You are better off out of the relationship, but be careful, men like this tend to sink their claws in that much harder if they think you are getting ideas about leaving.

Why do they control? My mum used to tell me the story of the little boy who catches a butterfly because he thinks it is so beautiful he doesn't want it to fly away, so he holds it very tightly and takes it hime to show his mum. Of course when he gets there, the butterfly is all crushed and broken.

Control comes from a sense of entitlement and fear but it is so destructive. Not a good way to live at all.

Nomorescreentime · 13/09/2023 12:05

Oh goodness. I don’t even know you, but I am concerned about this wedding! So I’m sure the people around you who love you would support you if you called it off.

Something I’ve learnt over the years is not to spend too long overthinking or trying to work out why a man behaves in a certain way. The thing to focus on is HOW he behaves, and the effect it has on YOU. You sound like such a lovely, happy person and you do not deserve to have a partner angry at you for 3 days over a throwaway comment about liking your outfit. That is crazy.

Original poster

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 12:15

You all make so much sense, I have modified what I wear to an extent, I don't wear bright lipstick at work anymore and there are some tops I don't wear to the gym.

He is telling me I should be respectful and wear appropriate clothes and have some human decency. I am in the wrong because I am deliberately making him feel insecure.

I am at a loss. I can't fix this and he is showing no interest in working on himself, he doesn't want ti accept responsibility.

OP posts:

EmpressaurusOfCats · 13/09/2023 12:19

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 12:15

You all make so much sense, I have modified what I wear to an extent, I don't wear bright lipstick at work anymore and there are some tops I don't wear to the gym.

He is telling me I should be respectful and wear appropriate clothes and have some human decency. I am in the wrong because I am deliberately making him feel insecure.

I am at a loss. I can't fix this and he is showing no interest in working on himself, he doesn't want ti accept responsibility.

Of course not. He’s only interested in controlling you.

What if you get married & he then says you shouldn’t even be going to the gym, because you’re trying to improve your body for other men?

Bananalanacake · 13/09/2023 12:19

I asked you that about going out to gauge how he reacts. Controlling men will give you an argument not to go out, they will sulk, text you to make you leave early, make you feel so bad about it that you don't go for an evening out without them again. I think you should conduct an experiment and tell him you and the girls from work are going out on Friday, if he says negative things, tells you what to wear, asks if you're going to chat up men you will know he is a controlling bastard and needs to be kicked to the kerb. A normal, loving partner would say 'that's great, you enjoy yourself'.
You may not want to do this but if you do his reaction will tell you everything.

Soberfutures · 13/09/2023 12:25

Please don't marry him. Its cheaper to lose money on a wedding than a divorce!!!

How are u going to feel on your wedding day in your dress which he will probably say isn't suiting you or your hair and make up??

Walk away now. Get your sparkle back

PurpleMonkeys · 13/09/2023 12:38

Coercive control and gaslighting..

Making you question what you've done and said so that you fall into line with what he wants and what he says.

OP. My lovely lovely internet stranger. There's no way to say this really.

You're being abused my sweet. He may not be punching your face, but he's damaging you in your core and shaking your very self.

Please. Please. Please.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.

It will make things worse. Once he's 'got you' hell ramp it up and the mask will fall away completely. (His mask being the nice version of himself he shows you to keep you on the hook)

There's so many women in MN that have been through this situation. Please, listen to them.

senua · 13/09/2023 12:39

He is telling me I should be respectful and wear appropriate clothes and have some human decency. I am in the wrong because I am deliberately making him feel insecure.
Why does it make him insecure? Most men are pleased to have a desirable girlfriend, they want to show her off because they think that it reflects well no them.
You have said that there is "zero chance of babies" so there is no need to marry. I would think hard about it. You could always go through with some ceremony / party thing if you want, but don't get legally wed.

Original poster

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 12:39

He is off work when he should be in ( I know this because he is texting me and he can't have his phone in work) I have asked him three times now, why aren't you at work and he is ignoring it.

So obviously trying to punish me by keeping me guessing why he is off. I don't know if he is sick or something (we don't live together)

OP posts:

housethatbuiltme · 13/09/2023 12:40

Eh? Im so confused.

One I have only heard the phrase 'wouldn't even wear it to Asda' which means its so bad you wouldn't leave the house in it (think super comfortable but stained/holey old sweatpants). Its usually used when referencing people wandering around inappropriately dressed (like wearing PJs to drop your kids off at school).

Second what grown man pouts about his wife looking good? was the item a bondage thong or something because if it was a nice top or dress then he should want you too look and feel good. If he expects you to look crap to keep his jealousy in check then hes abusive.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 13/09/2023 12:42

If you don’t live together then that’s one more reason to get out now, before your finances are linked.

senua · 13/09/2023 12:44

I have asked him three times now, why aren't you at work and he is ignoring it.
Stop! Let him come to you.

WinterDeWinter · 13/09/2023 12:52

Op - you are taking his bait. It will always be like this, till you die. End it, now.

Bananalanacake · 13/09/2023 12:53

Thank God you don't live together, bit surprised as these types like to move in quickly so they can monitor your every move. Suffice to say Never let him move in.

Persiana · 13/09/2023 13:00

I am also proud of you despite not knowing you! You are learning to spot warning signs and having that gut feeling something is wrong. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is the tip of the iceberg with him. It smacks of coercive control. If you don't know much about this, please look it up.
It is 100% fine to want to look and feel good, and to see that other people admire you. He should have driven you straight to asda to walk proudly next to you - the complete opposite of what he has done.
Since you are having an awakening now, and there is still time to delay or cancel the wedding altogether, so it- don't lose momentum, get the life you are now on track for, not the one you were on before. With true love, respect and equality.
There are endless posters on here absolutely relieved to be single after a relationship with a controlling or abusive man. There's nothing wrong with being single until you find someone who truly deserves you

Original poster

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 13:01

He owns his home and I am a renter, I don't want to give up my home without being married first. The plan is to get married, he can sell up and we will buy something together.

I still have a few weeks before I need to make any big decisions.

OP posts:

Leggytigberk · 13/09/2023 13:12

This is more serious than I first thought. It now sounds like a slow motion car crash!
You obeyed his instruction about lipstick and the one about tops to wear at the gym. This is terrible. This is UK, it is 2023. We are all aiming towards equality and a liberal way of life. It is still patchy but we are all trying to overcome authoritarian attitudes like his.
Make your Therapist happier! Wear brighter lipstick to work, show off your figure at the gym. Try it once as an experiment and see the results, find out if other people react. We will guarantee the sky will not fall in.
Then do it again making sure he knows. After that reassess the wedding idea.

Original poster

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 13:15

A slow motion car crash is exactly how I feel. I can see it happening.

At least we have paid for the wedding ourselves so we don't have to worry about letting people down if we don't go ahead.

OP posts:

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