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Original poster

Wear it to Asda

120 replies

TheGoodBanana · 12/09/2023 19:44

Have you ever used the phrase "wow if I looked like that in that dress/bikini/underwear I would wear it to Asda" or similar?

I got a new outfit that I felt absolutely amazing in, big breakthrough for me as I am so critical of my body.

So I was super excited and sent a pic to my DP saying I felt amazing and didn't want to take it off. Then joked I would wear it to ASDA.

It's just a silly phrase and there was clearly no intention of actually wearing it to Asda I was just excited.

Now he is sulking saying I was trying to make him jealous and just wanted to flaunt my self for other people to see.

I genuinely just felt good about myself for once and I think he is being ridiculous and trying to tear down my self esteem to punish me for daring to look good. It's just a silly phrase!

Was I being insensitive and flaunting myself or is DP just having a tantrum because he doesn't want me to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
RosesAreReady · 12/09/2023 22:40

No not heard anyone say that tbh but he does sound insecure

perfectcolourfound · 12/09/2023 22:42

I don't know you and I'm proud of you!

Yes - this is all him. You aren't responsible for his behaviour. You aren't responsibe for his mood. You aren't his possession. You aren't 'lesser' than him. He doesn't get to say what's right and wrong as though his opinions are facts.

He wasn't happy that you were happy and confident. That made him annoyed, and he needed to quickly spoil your mood, destroy your self esteem and make you feel in wrong, and get you apologising. A decent person would NEVER do this. A loving partner would NEVER do it.

You deserve better.

AdoraBell · 12/09/2023 22:45

Him saying you make him jealous and want to flaunt is completely controlling. I would dump him.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 12/09/2023 22:50

perfectcolourfound · 12/09/2023 22:42

I don't know you and I'm proud of you!

Yes - this is all him. You aren't responsible for his behaviour. You aren't responsibe for his mood. You aren't his possession. You aren't 'lesser' than him. He doesn't get to say what's right and wrong as though his opinions are facts.

He wasn't happy that you were happy and confident. That made him annoyed, and he needed to quickly spoil your mood, destroy your self esteem and make you feel in wrong, and get you apologising. A decent person would NEVER do this. A loving partner would NEVER do it.

You deserve better.

Thank you - I feel like I am making such good progress!

OP posts:
Lizzyinatizzy · 12/09/2023 23:25

Another vote for bin him.
a decent loving partner would be happy that you felt good, not trying to suck the joy out of you like some sort morale sponge. He should be your biggest supporter and your cheerleader, making you feel confident and beautiful, not this self centred manipulative negging dick.
get rid

Moveoverdarlin · 12/09/2023 23:28

He sounds like a bellend, you don’t have to put up with that.

Leggytigberk · 13/09/2023 07:44

Oh! dear! another bloke who does not realise that men and women are different. They react differently to things like clothes.
Man will think 'practical' woman looking for 'the fun' in the outfit. Neither is better only different.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 07:57

This is still ongoing this morning. He absolutely won't accept that his insecurities are making him behave badly here.

He is now adamant that I specifically wanted to go to Asda so other people could look at me.

I have told him time and time again that it's not the case at all, I was just trying to illustrate how excited I was to feel good about myself by saying I would even wear it to Asda because I didn't want to take it off.

Why does it have to be about other people. It's so frustrating because I know what I said and what I meant. Not once did I think oh lets pick the busiest supermarket do plenty of people can check me out.

It was I feel so go I never want to take it off, I'm even going to wear it for Asda.

I don't feel like I am in the wrong here but this argument has continued now for three days.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 13/09/2023 08:10

He's an insecure idiot, his is likely to get worse the more confident you get. Loose the excess baggage, get rid and I'm pretty sure the therapy will come on in leaps and bounds! Good luck. (Although I do love the idea of posing provocatively with the Percy Pigs!)

MissHarrietBede · 13/09/2023 08:11

Maybe you should just not go out in public at all, in case he thinks you're constantly flaunting yourself.

PurpleMonkeys · 13/09/2023 08:12

Come on OP you know it's not about the dress by now.

You're his property. Either fall in line or shut up.
You're not allowed to feel good about yourself, it's a poor reflection on your owner if you're state of confidence isn't connected to your keepers praise. You're not allowed to be seen by other men, because you're his property and no one else may look. You'd better shape up, fly right, wear what he says, do as he says and never question him again. Your existence is unimportant, you should live to serve your owner and that is all.

Now the real question... over the next 5-15 years:

Do you want to have a life of ownership and be an unimportant possession of someone that sees you as more an ornament for his amusement more than equal..

Or..

Do you want to feel as good every day as you did when you put on that dress? Staybsjngle and buy as many beautiful dresses and outfits as you so desire, or get a partner that makes you feel a billion quid every day. There's many many men out there that would make you feel alive and beautiful and wanted and...
hell it's old fashioned and sexist but... men used to take women out and purposely SHOW THEM OFF because they were proud of having such a beautiful partner,
'look at this beautiful woman and she chooses to be with me... suck it all you losers.'

(Some may say that's equally as bad as what your OH is doing but that's a conversation for a different time, I'm just trying to make a point)

mummabubs · 13/09/2023 08:14

I'm sorry he's still behaving like this OP. As others have said, I'd be seriously considering whether being with him is more to your detriment than gain.

Even if you wanted to dress up nicely and go out in public, a secure partner wouldn't bat an eyelid about this. My DH trusts me, so even if I were to wear something more fitted or revealing (I don't as I'm currently in a mummy clothing phase 🤣) he'd know that a) I can wear what I want, when I want, where I want and b) so what if anyone else looked at me? Doesn't mean I'd be off to have an affair in the veggie aisle.

My ex was very much like your partner and began subtly - and then not so subtly- making digs about my clothing choices when out in public or around other men. It was all a big ploy to lower my self esteem and keep me tied to him. I am so, so glad I didn't stay with him. Food for thought op x

PS: You wear that outfit, I bet it looks amazing!

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/09/2023 08:25

I’ve never heard the phrase but you wear what you want where you want. If he’s like this over a throwaway comment what he be like further on in a relationship? My bet is controlling. Back in the pond.

SmileyClare · 13/09/2023 09:04

You know there’s nothing wrong with dressing to show off your figure, right?

Theres nothing wrong with wanting people to admire how you look.

You’re buying into his “rules” by trying to justify what you said.

Hes making it clear to you that if you don’t stick to his rules, you’ll be punished.

Hes doing this by making you feel insecure- he’s sulking and making you feel guilty.

I guarantee that you will change how you dress and you’ll be careful how you word things from now on- so you don’t “upset” him.

See this for what it is- the early signs of coercive control
You can’t pacify him or make him see he’s being controlling by talking to him.
His feelings take priority over yours.

Forget the “wear it to Asda” comment and see the bigger picture here x

whatsappdoc · 13/09/2023 09:55

Stop trying to apologise you're just feeding him what he wants to hear. Keep your self-esteem up, the more he tries to put you down the more would be questioning the relationship.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 09:57

SmileyClare · 13/09/2023 09:04

You know there’s nothing wrong with dressing to show off your figure, right?

Theres nothing wrong with wanting people to admire how you look.

You’re buying into his “rules” by trying to justify what you said.

Hes making it clear to you that if you don’t stick to his rules, you’ll be punished.

Hes doing this by making you feel insecure- he’s sulking and making you feel guilty.

I guarantee that you will change how you dress and you’ll be careful how you word things from now on- so you don’t “upset” him.

See this for what it is- the early signs of coercive control
You can’t pacify him or make him see he’s being controlling by talking to him.
His feelings take priority over yours.

Forget the “wear it to Asda” comment and see the bigger picture here x

Wow - I didn't actually know that there is nothing wrong with wanting people to admire me. I know that probably sounds silly and I feel silly saying it but I absolutely have felt that its wrong to want to look good for other people.

Why do you wear lipstick for work, who are you trying to impress.
Why do you wear that top to the gym, do you need others attention.
Why are you wearing full make up.

Those are all actual things he has said to me and I have felt guilty because why should I try to look nice, why should I draw attention to myself, am I wanting mens attention, can't I cope without admiring gazes.

When I actually know that I dress and make myself up because it feels nice to look good. But then I feel bad about it.

OP posts:
pog100 · 13/09/2023 10:08

OK your last message is now worrying. He isn't just showing signs of coercive control he is controlling you. I'm glad you've woken up to this but the correct response isn't 3 days of arguments and trying to convince him. The right response is to drop him. It doesn't sound like you are too enmeshed? Please take steps now.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:11

We have our wedding booked for 3 months time so quite enmeshed. That's why I am holding the boundary so strongly. I don't want to go into a marriage with him thinking this is ok. It's only really been the last couple of months with therapy that I am seeing things clearly and realising that whilst yes, I have plenty of issues of my own, I can't fix his for him too.

OP posts:
TheChippendenSpook · 13/09/2023 10:19

Please don't marry him. Controlling behaviour often gets worse once you're married.

You're doing so well, don't ruin all of your progress by marrying him. Imagine all that hard work going to waste, because it will.

Alltheusernamesaretakennow · 13/09/2023 10:20

Please read all these comments and please don't marry him - I had years of marriage to a dickhead like this, thinking he "cared about me". He will grind you down and make you miserable!

Just LTB!

VeridicalVagabond · 13/09/2023 10:20

Well done for spotting and calling out his behaviour OP, sounds like this is a big step for you so huge congratulations on your progress, and for holding firm on this boundary!

I'm sure you look absolutely fantastic in your outfit, and there is genuinely nothing wrong with wanting people to notice that. Yes, even in Asda! (I know that's not what you meant with your comment, but you're speaking as if wanting people to notice that you look good is a bad thing - it's not! That's his insecurities coming out of your mouth.)

He's insecure, jealous and controlling and this is not a good or healthy basis for a relationship because he will eventually wear you down. You'll adjust your behaviour, your style, your mannerisms to avoid his tantrums.

Don't do it to yourself! No man has the right to dim your light.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:24

I am having serious doubts about the marriage, my therapist keeps telling me that I have time to make a decision and it's ok to admit if it's not what I want. She asked what I am scared of other people thinking and helped me to realise that mostly people care about me and want me to be happy.

On the other hand he has lots of redeeming features, he is so sweet and thoughtful and I am never sure of my own mind so I am scared to walk away from the marriage and then realise a week later that I made a mistake.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:26

VeridicalVagabond · 13/09/2023 10:20

Well done for spotting and calling out his behaviour OP, sounds like this is a big step for you so huge congratulations on your progress, and for holding firm on this boundary!

I'm sure you look absolutely fantastic in your outfit, and there is genuinely nothing wrong with wanting people to notice that. Yes, even in Asda! (I know that's not what you meant with your comment, but you're speaking as if wanting people to notice that you look good is a bad thing - it's not! That's his insecurities coming out of your mouth.)

He's insecure, jealous and controlling and this is not a good or healthy basis for a relationship because he will eventually wear you down. You'll adjust your behaviour, your style, your mannerisms to avoid his tantrums.

Don't do it to yourself! No man has the right to dim your light.

Dim my light is exactly how I see it.

I am a sparkly person, I am smiley and I love colours and I am warm and friendly and all those things that probably attracted him to me in the first place, are the things he wants me to hide away. He makes comments about me leading people on, or mocks me for complimenting others or chatting to strangers. He says I give people the wrong idea.

OP posts:
Lizzyinatizzy · 13/09/2023 10:27

Wedding? Oh no OP please don’t marry this man….
I know we are just strangers on the internet and a wedding is very hard to back out of but if he is pulling this shit now just wait until you’re his wife. He will feel even more entitled to control you.
This man will take your identity and destroy your self worth. If you had a daughter or a sister is this the relationship you would want for them?
He has shown you who he is, get out while you can.

TheChippendenSpook · 13/09/2023 10:28

That's how controlling people keep you sweet. They're not horrible all the time as you'd definitely leave them, so they're 'lovely' some of the time to make you doubt wanting to leave.

I guarantee you that if you do call off the wedding then there will be a lot of people that are relieved for you.

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