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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wear it to Asda

120 replies

TheGoodBanana · 12/09/2023 19:44

Have you ever used the phrase "wow if I looked like that in that dress/bikini/underwear I would wear it to Asda" or similar?

I got a new outfit that I felt absolutely amazing in, big breakthrough for me as I am so critical of my body.

So I was super excited and sent a pic to my DP saying I felt amazing and didn't want to take it off. Then joked I would wear it to ASDA.

It's just a silly phrase and there was clearly no intention of actually wearing it to Asda I was just excited.

Now he is sulking saying I was trying to make him jealous and just wanted to flaunt my self for other people to see.

I genuinely just felt good about myself for once and I think he is being ridiculous and trying to tear down my self esteem to punish me for daring to look good. It's just a silly phrase!

Was I being insensitive and flaunting myself or is DP just having a tantrum because he doesn't want me to feel good about myself.

OP posts:
WhatWouldMrMannersSay · 13/09/2023 10:28

FFS wear it on the way out the door to your new life and don't look back! He is not normal.

pog100 · 13/09/2023 10:29

Worse and worse! You really, really mustn't stay with this guy. He is exactly the opposite of what you need in a partner.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 13/09/2023 10:30

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:24

I am having serious doubts about the marriage, my therapist keeps telling me that I have time to make a decision and it's ok to admit if it's not what I want. She asked what I am scared of other people thinking and helped me to realise that mostly people care about me and want me to be happy.

On the other hand he has lots of redeeming features, he is so sweet and thoughtful and I am never sure of my own mind so I am scared to walk away from the marriage and then realise a week later that I made a mistake.

You don’t know how much I wish I’d listened to my doubts about my marriage.

Getting out now, while difficult and awkward, is going to be a hell of a lot easier than getting out in 4 months time.

Neekoh · 13/09/2023 10:30

Don't marry him.

This is who he is, and it will get worse and worse with time. It's a horrible way to live.

TedMullins · 13/09/2023 10:32

Cancel the wedding and get very far away from this guy. Those things he says about you dressing up and wearing makeup are deeply controlling. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s abusive in other ways too. Please keep being open with your therapist and draw on that newfound strength - you really don’t want to tie yourself to a coercive misogynist like this.

Washyourfaceinmysink · 13/09/2023 10:36

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:11

We have our wedding booked for 3 months time so quite enmeshed. That's why I am holding the boundary so strongly. I don't want to go into a marriage with him thinking this is ok. It's only really been the last couple of months with therapy that I am seeing things clearly and realising that whilst yes, I have plenty of issues of my own, I can't fix his for him too.

I often read these relationship threads and never comment… but really felt the urge to after reading this!
Please, please don’t marry this man. At the very least, put it on hold to think about it properly.
I was engaged to someone with similar behaviour when I was young. I was always anxious. I am so, so thankful I ended up with my DH, a man who supports me in every way, boosts my confidence and is proud to “show off” his wife. I would have had a lifetime of anxiety and treading on eggshells if I’d stayed with my ex… makes me shudder to think about it, no man is worth that.

Bananalanacake · 13/09/2023 10:37

When you go out with a group of female friends (without him) how does he react?

midlifecrash · 13/09/2023 10:38

He really doesn’t sound sweet and thoughtful.. maybe he is sometimes but at this point he really does not sound mature enough for marriage. It would be a wrong step for both of you.

DresdenDoll · 13/09/2023 10:42

Please don't marry this man (and definitely don't get pregnant!). He's abusive and it will only get worse.

SmileyClare · 13/09/2023 10:44

Imagine a man spotting a beautiful butterfly and wanting to own it. He catches it in his hand and grips it tightly so it won’t escape.

After a while he opens his hand and sees the butterfly is crushed. It’s no longer attractive to him and he discards it.

This man does not allow you to be yourself. He’ll crush your self esteem so you won’t have the confidence to leave.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:44

Bananalanacake · 13/09/2023 10:37

When you go out with a group of female friends (without him) how does he react?

I don't really go out much to be honest, it's not really my scene, I only drink maybe two or three times a year. That was the case before I met him though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 10:46

DresdenDoll · 13/09/2023 10:42

Please don't marry this man (and definitely don't get pregnant!). He's abusive and it will only get worse.

There is zero chance of babies. It really isn't an option for us at all.

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 13/09/2023 10:46

Begging you to not marry this man. He will destroy you.

Washyourfaceinmysink · 13/09/2023 10:47

“On the other hand he has lots of redeeming features, he is so sweet and thoughtful and I am never sure of my own mind so I am scared to walk away from the marriage and then realise a week later that I made a mistake.”

This stood out to me. He is likely to be the reason you are “never sure” of your own mind. He undermines your confidence and self esteem. I’m sure your mind will be just fine without him around.
I do understand how hard it is to walk away… there’s an element of pride, I felt a bit stupid. But no one will focus on this - your friends and family would much rather you be happy and confident. When I split with my ex it was interesting to find out that many friends didn’t really like him! (Wish they’d told me before tbh!). What do your friends think of him?

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 10:51

Deleted that post as I realised I can’t read properly and misunderstood your last post @TheGoodBanana

LifeInTheUK · 13/09/2023 10:52

Sorry ignore my last comment, I can’t read …..
Will ask MN to delete as it simply doesn’t make sense.

Fallingthroughclouds · 13/09/2023 10:56

He's a sulky child. Tedious beyond belief.

kidsonthemoon · 13/09/2023 11:05

This is him, all him. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. He's extremely insecure and whatever you do he'll be watching, asking you questions, accusing you of flirting, accusing you of cheating. Please think so carefully about this marriage, once you have that ring on your finger it'll get worse
I had a bf a long time ago, he started off just like this then it progressed to
Why do you wear make up when you go to the shops, is it so blokes will look at you ?
Why have you lost weight is it cos you're trying to impress someone.
It went on and on and on. He accused me of fancying my cousin and asked if anything had happened between us ffs, that actually made me feel physically sick and was the final nail in the coffin. My point is he'll drag you down to the lowest point you can go , this is just the beginning. Listen to your therapist and everyone here who can see where this is leading, please

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 11:10

I naively have been assuming that getting married will make him feel secure and he will settle down. That doesn't seem to be likely from what i am hearing here.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 13/09/2023 11:12

As others have said this is the early signs of coercive control. If you marry him, you'll basically be trapped with him and his behaviour will get so much worse.

It's not enough to stand up to controlling men. Whilst I must applaud you for standing firm on this issue, don't be fooled into thinking it's enough to counteract controlling behaviour. They won't have respect for you asserting your boundaries, they'll resent you for it and find ways to punish you.

The only way to truly stand up to controlling men is to leave.

yellowsmileyface · 13/09/2023 11:15

TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 11:10

I naively have been assuming that getting married will make him feel secure and he will settle down. That doesn't seem to be likely from what i am hearing here.

This is a very common mistake that women make.

When controlling partners express insecurities and jealousy, their partners will bend over backwards trying to prove their love and loyalty only to find it's never enough. Getting married won't be enough.

Because it's not actually about his insecurity. It's about controlling you.

FatCovidWorries · 13/09/2023 11:15

SmileyClare · 13/09/2023 10:44

Imagine a man spotting a beautiful butterfly and wanting to own it. He catches it in his hand and grips it tightly so it won’t escape.

After a while he opens his hand and sees the butterfly is crushed. It’s no longer attractive to him and he discards it.

This man does not allow you to be yourself. He’ll crush your self esteem so you won’t have the confidence to leave.

So much this.
Please fly away before he crushes you.
Don't marry this pathetic excuse of a man.

WinterDeWinter · 13/09/2023 11:19

You can’t fix him other than by diminishing yourself and reducing the space you take up in the world.

you have to leave him and the sooner you do the less painful it will be all round.

Original poster
TheGoodBanana · 13/09/2023 11:20

I feel really overwhelmed with it all the movement. I have tried humouring him in the past and I hoped that seeing how much I cared would make him realise that he didn't need to be insecure.

I am a full grown adult woman, I don't need telling how to dress.

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 13/09/2023 11:22

Getting married won't be enough.

Because it's not actually about his insecurity. It's about controlling you.

So much this!!!!!!!