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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I losing my mind.

101 replies

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:04

Strap in this is a long one 🙈

Iv been with my partner for coming up to 7 years now. At first the relationship started out great I couldn't have asked for anymore. He had his own house and I was back living with my parents. We moved in after 2 years but not into his house as his sister and her husband sold their house and needed somewhere to stay with their 3 kids until they built somewhere new. So we are living in a converted mobile at the bottom of a yard which I absolutely love fast forward near 5 years and his sister and husband have split and she's still in the house with the kids.

In July this year we were in my parents house they were having a drink and playing a game. My other half didn't agree with the rules and for 2 hours straight it was like having a toddler going on and on and on until my dad told him to shut up game over. We came home that night and everything was fine until I woke up the next morning he called me a C**T and told me he's ashamed as I didn't have his back and said he heard me say to my parents pick on him. This didn't happen (I know for a fact I wasn't drinking) and rang my parents put them on loudspeaker and they agreed it was never said. He said he's still convinced and we're making a fool out of him. He's told me he can no longer have anything to do with my family now. At the time I wanted to leave only I didn't have the funds to do so so I asked him for money back which I had paid into a house that I didn't live in his sister did (I paid the rates and electric for that house plus the , food bills, Netflix and internet for our house) he said no he wouldn't be giving me a penny that I deserved nothing and I'm not his priority anymore after me not having his back after a made up situation.

We talked this through for weeks and sorted it all out and everything was back to normal again (I'd no option as I had no savings to leave as most of my wage goes on his bills) this weekend he's asked me to contact a solicitor to get an agreement set up which states that if we break up I can't ask him for a thing. He's asked me to pay near £1000 for this agreement as Iv pushed it this far. I explained if he wants the agreement he can arrange it and il sign it. This morning he started again on me pushing for this agreement stating that as I no longer want to pay anything towards the house (again I don't live in it his sister does) but I also never said I would stop paying for the bills as I know he can't afford it and relies on my wage. He's told me that I seem to want to be a princess and get everything handed to me and I should be thanking his mum and dad and his sister everyday for letting me live here and pay nothing. I was sitting crying and he stands over me saying aw are you getting upset now because the truth has come out and you realise what a nasty piece of work you are.

In July he also asked me to go and see a councillor for my "anger issues" and my "emotional state" as I am the reason for causing an atmosphere in our relationship. This comes from anytime I am hurt or annoyed by something he has done and go to voice it he tells me to keep my nasty comments out of my mouth and how im creating an unhealthy environment. I hold everything in as i seem to only be allowed to be happy nothing else.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/09/2023 15:08

What’s the question here?

OldEvilOwl · 10/09/2023 15:08

Forget the money and forget him. This won't get better, you need to leave

BIWI · 10/09/2023 15:09

Why on earth are you paying his bills?

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:11

@zoe648 I’m so confused as to why you are paying bills for a house you don’t own and don’t live in?

SophiaElise · 10/09/2023 15:12

What are you getting from this relationship?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2023 15:13

Why on earth are you still with this man? It's mind boggling.

HappyintheHills · 10/09/2023 15:13

Why are you still there?

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:14

My question is am I being completely wrong here in thinking the whole relationship and the hard times are my fault?

OP posts:
Damnedidont · 10/09/2023 15:14

Leave

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:15

From the start when we moved in together it was meant to be for 2 years in the mobile and then the house once his sister moved out. That didn't happen and I had no issues paying the rates as if I was living there id expect to pay something.

OP posts:
ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 10/09/2023 15:16

You can't really ask for the money back for food bills, Netflix and the Internet for your house. I'm assuming you also used them?

The rest he is clearly a bit nuts, but if I broke up with someone I'd not be asking money back for the above as you would have paid that anywhere and if they are in your name then they are indeed your bills

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:17

HappyintheHills · 10/09/2023 15:13

Why are you still there?

When the relationship is good it's very good and I have no issues but this last few months have been horrendous for me and all I'm getting is blame upon blame of how I'm a bad person.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:18

@zoe648 but meanwhile your boyfriend has a house and you have…..? Have you been saving what you would have potentially been paying towards a mortgage?

lking12 · 10/09/2023 15:18

I assume the mobile home is effectively ‘rent free’ on the land and you pay nothing for it so that’s why your contribution goes to the bills and I assume he is paying the mortgage on the house?!

what are you getting out of this relationship? Leave and go and live with your mum and dad for a while?!

lking12 · 10/09/2023 15:19

And sorry no I don’t think he’s unreasonable not to give you any money back but pushing for an agreement for you to pay for one, being annoyed about a game, being annoyed when you’re unhappy all of these sound rubbish. Just leave.

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:19

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 10/09/2023 15:16

You can't really ask for the money back for food bills, Netflix and the Internet for your house. I'm assuming you also used them?

The rest he is clearly a bit nuts, but if I broke up with someone I'd not be asking money back for the above as you would have paid that anywhere and if they are in your name then they are indeed your bills

It was never about the day to day bills it was the rates bills that I'd paid. When it was talked about previously he offered me the money but it's when I ask for it now it's the issue.

OP posts:
catsnhats11 · 10/09/2023 15:22

Food bills for the mobile you live in, but rates for the house? It's very confusing, why are you paying this?

He sounds awful btw

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/09/2023 15:23

This is nuts!
You're paying his sisters bills to offset you living free on a mobile on his land
Is this correct?
Do not stay with this nasty, disrespectful man who doesn't view you as a partner
The 7 years do not make up for how this man now treats you
I'd tell he has no chance of you signing anything and go back to your parents, who sound understanding
There is a better life out there

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 10/09/2023 15:23

Bloody hell. Don't give the bastard another penny.

Find somewhere else to live.

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:24

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:18

@zoe648 but meanwhile your boyfriend has a house and you have…..? Have you been saving what you would have potentially been paying towards a mortgage?

No I literally have no savings I'm paying for the rates, the electric, heating, car which he uses everyday. I run after his daughter buy her what she needs and his literally paying a couple of hundred pounds of a mortgage.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/09/2023 15:26

You are voluntarily paying bills for a woman who lives in a house owned by your partner. You are not married, you have no legal right to any of his finances yet you chose to give your money away to an unrelated woman.

They do say fools rush in.

Leave.

Grendell · 10/09/2023 15:29

Your relationship and living situation are crumbling. Start the process of moving out.

By the way, are you paying those bills because the house and the mobile are somehow tied together? By paying the house bills you are paying the mobile too?

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:29

catsnhats11 · 10/09/2023 15:22

Food bills for the mobile you live in, but rates for the house? It's very confusing, why are you paying this?

He sounds awful btw

Edited

It was always on the agreement that we would be back in the house within a few years and I'd be contributing to it anyway.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 15:32

zoe, ah bless you. Are you in in Ireland by any chance? There are some specific support groups there.

Look, this relationship has run its course, for sure. I think it's best to write off money already spent tbh. You'll never see it again anyway, so it's not worth the grief. Focus on what you can achieve.

Will your parents have you back again for a while? Then you can save your wages for you, and build up again.

WhamBamThankU · 10/09/2023 15:32

Why is the sister not paying the bills for the house?

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