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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losing my mind.

101 replies

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:04

Strap in this is a long one 🙈

Iv been with my partner for coming up to 7 years now. At first the relationship started out great I couldn't have asked for anymore. He had his own house and I was back living with my parents. We moved in after 2 years but not into his house as his sister and her husband sold their house and needed somewhere to stay with their 3 kids until they built somewhere new. So we are living in a converted mobile at the bottom of a yard which I absolutely love fast forward near 5 years and his sister and husband have split and she's still in the house with the kids.

In July this year we were in my parents house they were having a drink and playing a game. My other half didn't agree with the rules and for 2 hours straight it was like having a toddler going on and on and on until my dad told him to shut up game over. We came home that night and everything was fine until I woke up the next morning he called me a C**T and told me he's ashamed as I didn't have his back and said he heard me say to my parents pick on him. This didn't happen (I know for a fact I wasn't drinking) and rang my parents put them on loudspeaker and they agreed it was never said. He said he's still convinced and we're making a fool out of him. He's told me he can no longer have anything to do with my family now. At the time I wanted to leave only I didn't have the funds to do so so I asked him for money back which I had paid into a house that I didn't live in his sister did (I paid the rates and electric for that house plus the , food bills, Netflix and internet for our house) he said no he wouldn't be giving me a penny that I deserved nothing and I'm not his priority anymore after me not having his back after a made up situation.

We talked this through for weeks and sorted it all out and everything was back to normal again (I'd no option as I had no savings to leave as most of my wage goes on his bills) this weekend he's asked me to contact a solicitor to get an agreement set up which states that if we break up I can't ask him for a thing. He's asked me to pay near £1000 for this agreement as Iv pushed it this far. I explained if he wants the agreement he can arrange it and il sign it. This morning he started again on me pushing for this agreement stating that as I no longer want to pay anything towards the house (again I don't live in it his sister does) but I also never said I would stop paying for the bills as I know he can't afford it and relies on my wage. He's told me that I seem to want to be a princess and get everything handed to me and I should be thanking his mum and dad and his sister everyday for letting me live here and pay nothing. I was sitting crying and he stands over me saying aw are you getting upset now because the truth has come out and you realise what a nasty piece of work you are.

In July he also asked me to go and see a councillor for my "anger issues" and my "emotional state" as I am the reason for causing an atmosphere in our relationship. This comes from anytime I am hurt or annoyed by something he has done and go to voice it he tells me to keep my nasty comments out of my mouth and how im creating an unhealthy environment. I hold everything in as i seem to only be allowed to be happy nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:32

Grendell · 10/09/2023 15:29

Your relationship and living situation are crumbling. Start the process of moving out.

By the way, are you paying those bills because the house and the mobile are somehow tied together? By paying the house bills you are paying the mobile too?

It's even more complicated the house is on one part of the land owned by my partner. The yard and where the mobile is is owned by my inlaws. He didn't want any rent of us or anything for the running of the mobile as we were helping out his sister. The only thing that is linked up is the electric but I pay that bill we have our own heating system and everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:35

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 15:32

zoe, ah bless you. Are you in in Ireland by any chance? There are some specific support groups there.

Look, this relationship has run its course, for sure. I think it's best to write off money already spent tbh. You'll never see it again anyway, so it's not worth the grief. Focus on what you can achieve.

Will your parents have you back again for a while? Then you can save your wages for you, and build up again.

I'm in Northern Ireland, the reason why I asked about getting money back as he had previously offered it before we sorted ourselves out again. Otherwise I wouldn't have mentioned it.

My parents downsized to a one bedroom as they thought we were both settled which is a shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:36

WhamBamThankU · 10/09/2023 15:32

Why is the sister not paying the bills for the house?

When they moved it they pay £500 per month and ever since then it's always been that. It was never including the rates and she never offered to pay hence why Iv been paying.

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:37

@zoe648 I don’t think you have protected yourself very much in the situation. I would begrudge paying bills for somewhere I didn’t live and on behalf of someone else. On top of that your boyfriend is sorted because he’s got his own house, you paying his sisters bills and running around after his daughter whilst you end up with nothing? You probably should have gone on the mortgage to his house years ago and paid half the mortgage to protect yourself. Because the initial plan was that you were both going to live there. The way this has panned out means you are pretty much screwed if you split up and, if I’m reading this all right, it sounds like you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. At the very least you should have been saving what you would have been paying towards a mortgage these last 5 years so that if you did split up you would have a deposit for your own house. The other side of it is that your boyfriend is taking the piss even further by asking you to pay £1000 to protect him! Most definitely don’t be doing that. First of all I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship and then go from there.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 10/09/2023 15:37

Walk away op. Or you throw more money at a cunt....

rentreenothanks · 10/09/2023 15:37

You need to leave. Can you sleep on your parents sofa for a couple of weeks until you get something sorted?

Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:42

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:37

@zoe648 I don’t think you have protected yourself very much in the situation. I would begrudge paying bills for somewhere I didn’t live and on behalf of someone else. On top of that your boyfriend is sorted because he’s got his own house, you paying his sisters bills and running around after his daughter whilst you end up with nothing? You probably should have gone on the mortgage to his house years ago and paid half the mortgage to protect yourself. Because the initial plan was that you were both going to live there. The way this has panned out means you are pretty much screwed if you split up and, if I’m reading this all right, it sounds like you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position. At the very least you should have been saving what you would have been paying towards a mortgage these last 5 years so that if you did split up you would have a deposit for your own house. The other side of it is that your boyfriend is taking the piss even further by asking you to pay £1000 to protect him! Most definitely don’t be doing that. First of all I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship and then go from there.

It's only today I feel like I have actually realised this. I have put my all into this relationship and I walk away with nothing I'm well paid and literally my wages go on bills for the house and mobile.

Iv looked today and there are 3 houses in my area to rent raging from £800-£1200 per month.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:43

Today was the last straw for me I actually feel like I'm losing my mind. No matter what happens it's my fault, he does something to annoy people it's my fault. He hurts me and yet Iv to apologise for something I never done. He takes no responsibility for anything.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/09/2023 15:46

OP there is no point, he will never agree with you are concede anything.

Move out, spend your money on your own rent and some therapy so that you can come to terms with what he's put you through and make peace with yourself.

There is no point throwing good money after bad. Cut your losses and leave. As soon as you can. In the meantime, stop paying anything. There's nothing he can do about it.

machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 15:47

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AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 15:48

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:43

Today was the last straw for me I actually feel like I'm losing my mind. No matter what happens it's my fault, he does something to annoy people it's my fault. He hurts me and yet Iv to apologise for something I never done. He takes no responsibility for anything.

Seriously, go while you can. View a rental.

Even if it means you have to kip on your parents' couch for a few weeks.

Once he realises he's bullied the goose that lays the golden eggs (you) too far, he'll try to draw you back in to his nonsense.

But you need a future.

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:48

@zoe648 If you stay together from here you need to be more assertive for your own sake. You need to amend what you pay so you can be saving X amount each month. If you had been saving £500 a month over the last 5 years you would have £30k in the bank now. Or you need to go on the mortgage to his house although that then ties you to him when things don’t seem great and it also sounds like he wouldn’t agree to that either. With the current set up you should both be paying the same amount for where you live. Any other things he has to pay for such as his house is irrelevant, he can’t take more from you so he can make himself better off and have an asset only for you to be left with nothing. That’s just crazy. If you decide the relationship is no longer for you, could you afford to rent somewhere on your own?

Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:52

Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 15:48

@zoe648 If you stay together from here you need to be more assertive for your own sake. You need to amend what you pay so you can be saving X amount each month. If you had been saving £500 a month over the last 5 years you would have £30k in the bank now. Or you need to go on the mortgage to his house although that then ties you to him when things don’t seem great and it also sounds like he wouldn’t agree to that either. With the current set up you should both be paying the same amount for where you live. Any other things he has to pay for such as his house is irrelevant, he can’t take more from you so he can make himself better off and have an asset only for you to be left with nothing. That’s just crazy. If you decide the relationship is no longer for you, could you afford to rent somewhere on your own?

Tbh the ultimatum this morning was that I need to get all that organised with a solicitor or we can't be together. That's the be all and end all.

Yea I could afford the lower scale one by myself it does leave me very little room to save but sure I'm not doing that now. I'm also going to declare myself as homeless and see if anything comes of that.

I just feel Iv been controlled from day one and only just seeing it all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:55

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We have no kids together he has a daughter we spends the time with us or rather me quite regularly.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 10/09/2023 15:57

I cannot believe what I am reading.

You are being abused and used and also financially abused.

This is not normal.

Why would you agree to hand over all this money?

Stop paying these bills immediately.

Cancel them all.

Get onto Women's aid.

Have you a learning disability of any sort? that he has convinced you to pay for everything.

It is financially abusive and coercive control.

Walk into a police station and ask for help.

Do your parents know that all your salary is being used to pay his bills?

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 15:59

Go to a police station and tell them what he has been doing, forcing you to pay his house bills for his sister.

This is a crime.

AgnesX · 10/09/2023 15:59

I might have missed this bit but in whose name is the mobile home? Can you boot him out?

If so that's what you need to do. Cut your losses and move on because you've been had. He's an entitled wee shite and things aren't going to improve. You've seen another side of him, the real one.

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 16:00

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:52

Tbh the ultimatum this morning was that I need to get all that organised with a solicitor or we can't be together. That's the be all and end all.

Yea I could afford the lower scale one by myself it does leave me very little room to save but sure I'm not doing that now. I'm also going to declare myself as homeless and see if anything comes of that.

I just feel Iv been controlled from day one and only just seeing it all now.

Show quote history

Read this, OP. It's from Northern Ireland.

https://www.belfastlive.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/coercive-control-laws-see-over-25162655

Police receive over 100 reports of domestic abuse per month in NI

“If you’re walking on eggshells, or have no control over your own life – this is also abuse and we can help you.”

https://www.belfastlive.co.uk/news/northern-ireland/coercive-control-laws-see-over-25162655

Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:01

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 15:57

I cannot believe what I am reading.

You are being abused and used and also financially abused.

This is not normal.

Why would you agree to hand over all this money?

Stop paying these bills immediately.

Cancel them all.

Get onto Women's aid.

Have you a learning disability of any sort? that he has convinced you to pay for everything.

It is financially abusive and coercive control.

Walk into a police station and ask for help.

Do your parents know that all your salary is being used to pay his bills?

😂🙈 no Billy I don't have a disability just believed years and years of lies about how the bills ie rent and rates need paid for the house to make sure we have a house to move into when his sister moves out.

OP posts:
Maplestars · 10/09/2023 16:01

No idea how this situation has happened and what he said to convince you it made sense, but well done for spotting it now.
would your parents take you in and let you crash on their sofa for a few weeks?
Can you do a house share so you’re renting a room instead? You’ll never get the funds together to afford to leave comfortably if you continue to pay for all sorts of bills and contracts anyway
not being able to afford to save if you rent somewhere also doesn’t matter, you’re not saving now. Just get out and you can start improving your situation from there.

Also the ultimatum is nonsense, why would he break up with you, he’d have to start paying for stuff himself. It’s just a threat.

machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:01

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Shapemyeyebrows · 10/09/2023 16:01

@zoe648 yeah it definitely sounds like you’ve been had here. And he’s got a cheek to be asking you to pay for a contact so that HE is financially sound! I would tell him where to go and agree with him you can’t be together. What was probably presented to you as a good idea about your living arrangements is actually one big piss take. Let him and his sister pay their own way and you start building your own life now. It’s a shame you can’t move back home for 6 months to save a bit first.

Original poster
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:02

AgnesX · 10/09/2023 15:59

I might have missed this bit but in whose name is the mobile home? Can you boot him out?

If so that's what you need to do. Cut your losses and move on because you've been had. He's an entitled wee shite and things aren't going to improve. You've seen another side of him, the real one.

It's on his mum and dads land they used it when they were building their new house.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 10/09/2023 16:02

So you are living in a caravan owned by your partner, on land owned by his parents, paying household bills, including rates on house you have no access to?
You need to stop paying all these bills immediately, and move out asap, could you move back to your parents temporarily?

machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:03

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