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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I losing my mind.

101 replies

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 15:04

Strap in this is a long one 🙈

Iv been with my partner for coming up to 7 years now. At first the relationship started out great I couldn't have asked for anymore. He had his own house and I was back living with my parents. We moved in after 2 years but not into his house as his sister and her husband sold their house and needed somewhere to stay with their 3 kids until they built somewhere new. So we are living in a converted mobile at the bottom of a yard which I absolutely love fast forward near 5 years and his sister and husband have split and she's still in the house with the kids.

In July this year we were in my parents house they were having a drink and playing a game. My other half didn't agree with the rules and for 2 hours straight it was like having a toddler going on and on and on until my dad told him to shut up game over. We came home that night and everything was fine until I woke up the next morning he called me a C**T and told me he's ashamed as I didn't have his back and said he heard me say to my parents pick on him. This didn't happen (I know for a fact I wasn't drinking) and rang my parents put them on loudspeaker and they agreed it was never said. He said he's still convinced and we're making a fool out of him. He's told me he can no longer have anything to do with my family now. At the time I wanted to leave only I didn't have the funds to do so so I asked him for money back which I had paid into a house that I didn't live in his sister did (I paid the rates and electric for that house plus the , food bills, Netflix and internet for our house) he said no he wouldn't be giving me a penny that I deserved nothing and I'm not his priority anymore after me not having his back after a made up situation.

We talked this through for weeks and sorted it all out and everything was back to normal again (I'd no option as I had no savings to leave as most of my wage goes on his bills) this weekend he's asked me to contact a solicitor to get an agreement set up which states that if we break up I can't ask him for a thing. He's asked me to pay near £1000 for this agreement as Iv pushed it this far. I explained if he wants the agreement he can arrange it and il sign it. This morning he started again on me pushing for this agreement stating that as I no longer want to pay anything towards the house (again I don't live in it his sister does) but I also never said I would stop paying for the bills as I know he can't afford it and relies on my wage. He's told me that I seem to want to be a princess and get everything handed to me and I should be thanking his mum and dad and his sister everyday for letting me live here and pay nothing. I was sitting crying and he stands over me saying aw are you getting upset now because the truth has come out and you realise what a nasty piece of work you are.

In July he also asked me to go and see a councillor for my "anger issues" and my "emotional state" as I am the reason for causing an atmosphere in our relationship. This comes from anytime I am hurt or annoyed by something he has done and go to voice it he tells me to keep my nasty comments out of my mouth and how im creating an unhealthy environment. I hold everything in as i seem to only be allowed to be happy nothing else.

OP posts:
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:06

Maplestars · 10/09/2023 16:01

No idea how this situation has happened and what he said to convince you it made sense, but well done for spotting it now.
would your parents take you in and let you crash on their sofa for a few weeks?
Can you do a house share so you’re renting a room instead? You’ll never get the funds together to afford to leave comfortably if you continue to pay for all sorts of bills and contracts anyway
not being able to afford to save if you rent somewhere also doesn’t matter, you’re not saving now. Just get out and you can start improving your situation from there.

Also the ultimatum is nonsense, why would he break up with you, he’d have to start paying for stuff himself. It’s just a threat.

Aw I was highly under the illusion after been told that we need to make sure we keep on top of the bills and not miss any payments so we have a house to move into once his sister leaves.

OP posts:
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:11

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I'm a 39 year old woman with a very good job and a few degrees I don't consider myself vulnerable at all maybe a fool for sitting so long paying these bills but I also believed the lies someone told me and I'm not the sort of person to sit and watch someone struggle and not help out when asked. Which I was regarding the rates bill.

OP posts:
machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:12

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machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:13

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machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:15

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zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:15

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Let's put it another way if I lived in the house would you be saying the same for me contributing?

OP posts:
machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:17

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Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 16:17

Can you move back in with your parents.
You say he relies on you financially. Why? Does he work?

Why are you not leaving? What is your real reason? He’s unpleasant. Not nice to your family. Money focused. Abusive. You have no kids. No mortgage together. Not married. Why aren’t you cancelling the bills, blocking him on his phone and skipping off to a better life tonight? He sure as hell would be doing that if you were treating him that way!

HappyintheHills · 10/09/2023 16:17

at least you would be contributing to the place you live in

machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:18

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Mallardstreak13 · 10/09/2023 16:19

Jesus, the woman needs reminding of her strength. Not constantly told she's vulnerable. We're all vulnerable, it's part of fucking life.

OP, you were in love and you are a kind person. What's happened, happened. You were living on their land so I can understand you wanting to pay something, especially with the promise of moving into the house. But it sounds like your patience has ran out and this guy is being controlling. I had a great house share in Belfast. They are usually much easier and quicker to happen too. Plenty of ones who have working professionals, I'd stay away from the student let's.

Would be great for you to be able to stay somewhere for a night or two, to clear your head and get your plan together. You will do this, now you've seen these things you'll never unsee them again! Set up some viewings, save your next wages, ie don't pay anything further and go find your freedom. I'd say, once you are out of there, you can reassess how you feel about him, the relationship.

Good luck 💫❤️

SackOfShitandRegrets · 10/09/2023 16:20

What is the sister paying for?

Can't she live in the mobile home and you two in the house?

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:21

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We're a close knit family and there was a family illness I was renting my own house but spending most of my nights in my parents so it made sense to move back in.

OP posts:
zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:24

Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 16:17

Can you move back in with your parents.
You say he relies on you financially. Why? Does he work?

Why are you not leaving? What is your real reason? He’s unpleasant. Not nice to your family. Money focused. Abusive. You have no kids. No mortgage together. Not married. Why aren’t you cancelling the bills, blocking him on his phone and skipping off to a better life tonight? He sure as hell would be doing that if you were treating him that way!

Yes he work in a min wage job it covered the cost of the running of the house and then obviously everything increased.

Iv stayed because when it's good it's amazing but since the argument with my parents it's all went downhill and because I didn't have his back. We were on holiday last weekend and had the best time just like it used to be and then this weekend it's completely changed again.

OP posts:
Mallardstreak13 · 10/09/2023 16:25

@machinescanthink are you the OPs partner by any chance??? You seem hell bent on kicking her down.......

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 16:25

If you do report yourself homeless, OP, tell them you are subject to coercive control under the new law that took effect in Northern Ireland last year.

That's why I linked to the article earlier. (It's worth a quick read.) The law includes financial manipulation and headfuckery.

Though hopefully you're in a position to just walk out that door and rent / lodge / houseshare.

zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:26

SackOfShitandRegrets · 10/09/2023 16:20

What is the sister paying for?

Can't she live in the mobile home and you two in the house?

The mobile has 2 bedrooms and at the time she needed somewhere for 2 adults and 3 kids.

OP posts:
machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:27

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machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:29

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zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:29

Mallardstreak13 · 10/09/2023 16:19

Jesus, the woman needs reminding of her strength. Not constantly told she's vulnerable. We're all vulnerable, it's part of fucking life.

OP, you were in love and you are a kind person. What's happened, happened. You were living on their land so I can understand you wanting to pay something, especially with the promise of moving into the house. But it sounds like your patience has ran out and this guy is being controlling. I had a great house share in Belfast. They are usually much easier and quicker to happen too. Plenty of ones who have working professionals, I'd stay away from the student let's.

Would be great for you to be able to stay somewhere for a night or two, to clear your head and get your plan together. You will do this, now you've seen these things you'll never unsee them again! Set up some viewings, save your next wages, ie don't pay anything further and go find your freedom. I'd say, once you are out of there, you can reassess how you feel about him, the relationship.

Good luck 💫❤️

Belfast is too far away unfortunately I used to do that for years but it wouldn't be suitable at the moment unfortunately.

One of the houses through the estate agent I know the fella who is renting it and I'm going to contact him directly tomorrow. I want to have a plan in place before I mention anything to anyone.

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 10/09/2023 16:31

OP, please leave and move back in with your parents.

Just read your own comment back to yourself he stands over me saying aw are you getting upset now because the truth has come out and you realise what a nasty piece of work you are

If you are such a nasty piece of work, if that comment is true, then why on earth would he want to be with you? He is a user and an abuser.

He is nice to you when you tow the line. You are now starting to question things, so he is starting to get nasty with you. He is starting to cut your family off.

He wants £1K for an agreement that you won't take any money from him.

Just walk away now while you still can.

Ladyj84 · 10/09/2023 16:31

Bizarre you wouldn't get me funding him or his family

machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:31

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zoe648 · 10/09/2023 16:33

AutumnCrow · 10/09/2023 16:25

If you do report yourself homeless, OP, tell them you are subject to coercive control under the new law that took effect in Northern Ireland last year.

That's why I linked to the article earlier. (It's worth a quick read.) The law includes financial manipulation and headfuckery.

Though hopefully you're in a position to just walk out that door and rent / lodge / houseshare.

Thank you for this ❤️

OP posts:
machinescanthink · 10/09/2023 16:34

This reply has been deleted

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