Am I losing my mind.

[zoe648]

Strap in this is a long one 🙈

Iv been with my partner for coming up to 7 years now. At first the relationship started out great I couldn't have asked for anymore. He had his own house and I was back living with my parents. We moved in after 2 years but not into his house as his sister and her husband sold their house and needed somewhere to stay with their 3 kids until they built somewhere new. So we are living in a converted mobile at the bottom of a yard which I absolutely love fast forward near 5 years and his sister and husband have split and she's still in the house with the kids.

In July this year we were in my parents house they were having a drink and playing a game. My other half didn't agree with the rules and for 2 hours straight it was like having a toddler going on and on and on until my dad told him to shut up game over. We came home that night and everything was fine until I woke up the next morning he called me a C**T and told me he's ashamed as I didn't have his back and said he heard me say to my parents pick on him. This didn't happen (I know for a fact I wasn't drinking) and rang my parents put them on loudspeaker and they agreed it was never said. He said he's still convinced and we're making a fool out of him. He's told me he can no longer have anything to do with my family now. At the time I wanted to leave only I didn't have the funds to do so so I asked him for money back which I had paid into a house that I didn't live in his sister did (I paid the rates and electric for that house plus the , food bills, Netflix and internet for our house) he said no he wouldn't be giving me a penny that I deserved nothing and I'm not his priority anymore after me not having his back after a made up situation.

We talked this through for weeks and sorted it all out and everything was back to normal again (I'd no option as I had no savings to leave as most of my wage goes on his bills) this weekend he's asked me to contact a solicitor to get an agreement set up which states that if we break up I can't ask him for a thing. He's asked me to pay near £1000 for this agreement as Iv pushed it this far. I explained if he wants the agreement he can arrange it and il sign it. This morning he started again on me pushing for this agreement stating that as I no longer want to pay anything towards the house (again I don't live in it his sister does) but I also never said I would stop paying for the bills as I know he can't afford it and relies on my wage. He's told me that I seem to want to be a princess and get everything handed to me and I should be thanking his mum and dad and his sister everyday for letting me live here and pay nothing. I was sitting crying and he stands over me saying aw are you getting upset now because the truth has come out and you realise what a nasty piece of work you are.

In July he also asked me to go and see a councillor for my "anger issues" and my "emotional state" as I am the reason for causing an atmosphere in our relationship. This comes from anytime I am hurt or annoyed by something he has done and go to voice it he tells me to keep my nasty comments out of my mouth and how im creating an unhealthy environment. I hold everything in as i seem to only be allowed to be happy nothing else.

Thought so @machinescanthink ....was the trolling Nigeria woman email comment that gave you away. Who's hurt you in life?

OP, that sounds like a plan. Although what a PP said about the homelessness due to coercive control sounds like a good avenue to explore tomorrow as well. Yeah I'd personally not rock the boat till you're out. He doesn't deserve to know how you feel. Honestly, once you are out you will feel so much better.

Leave the bastard.
He, his sister and anyone how wants can pay his/ her bills.
Go back to your parents, save and go on your own.
They are taking the piss and projecting blaming you of taking advantage when is exactly the opposite.

No, he is SAYING it’s your fault.

But it’s not.
The only thing that is ‘your fault’ is to have been too trustful and kind, wanting to do the ‘right thing’.
And your DP jumped on that opportunity.

Okay so he is using the abusive nice/nasty cycle to keep you around.

Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that?’

It sounds like you have clarity now and hopefully you are very excited to create your new life.

No but il have a read of it.

There's this evening he stands smirking at me asking me do I not agree with anything he said this morning and am I feeling embarrassed now living at somewhere not contributing yet Iv just drove his daughter 8 miles each way to bring her back to her mums as he wasn't answering his phone to take her.

I'm sorry you're going through this

Abuse really can mess your head up, it's criminal

Please make plans to leave as quickly & as safely as you can, you don't have to say a word to him until you're gone if at all

He doesn't think it's abusive at all he now thinks I'm lucky that I'm one of the highest earners round here and I'm going to pay nothing going forward. I should be feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it all.

@zoe648 don’t even entertain what he’s saying. The more you reveal about him the worse he sounds. He’s the one who should be ashamed and embarrassed. Have you spoken to him about it then as it sounds like he’s panicking about loosing all this free money he gets from you and using dirty tactics.

OP, please get out asap.

Stop all bills.

You poor pet.

Please consider telling the police, he has extracted thousands from you under duress.

Does it matter what he thinks? Any rational person can see he is abusive towards you. Abusers never admit their behaviour is abusive, their tactic is to get you to listen to them rather than what everyone else & your own intuition is telling you. Please get away from him

Every time I want to discuss he tells me to keep my nasty thoughts to myself. He doesn't want me to tell him how I'm feeling or how I think he's wrong in his mind he's right and that's all that matters.

I just said yes il do whatever it is you want it's all about you and he said ohh it sounds like your getting angry. I'm not angry anymore I'm just done and until I get a plan into place I don't even want him to know.

Aww OP Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed
He has been making you doubting yourself for years
The good news is that you have seen the situation for what it is now and I guarantee you will be so much better off away from him
Financially, emotionally and you will have peace of mind to make your own decisions.
It sounds like it is fairy easy to find a rental( which will be less than you are throwing money at him now)
Leave ASAP

@zoe648 in the meantime don’t sign anything or pay anything extra, just pay your half of the bills. Stop going the extra mile for him and his family and stop giving him the power to mess with your head. The longer you stay in that situation it sounds like you might give in, so please try and get out asap. Pack a bag and go stay with family or friends until you find somewhere to rent. He doesn’t want to talk about it because he knows full well what he’s doing. Right now, it doesn’t matter what you say to him, all he sees is that you are still staying and paying! And that’s all he wants.

It's ridiculous that you phoned your parents and put them in loudspeaker in the middle of an argument.

And why on earth are you paying towards his house & his sisters bills. Stop that immediately.

Do not have a child with this man, and don't move into his house, he sounds awful.

Please gain some independence from him and get yourself away as soon as you can.

Also...people who ask 'am I losing my mind' in a relationship are very often being gaslit.

So you are a high earner fir the area. And he could afford to pay all the bills on his own.
You are paying fir a lot if stuff fir him, his sister etc….
You are even doing his parenting of his child .

If someone is going to loose when you live it’s HIM.

Thats why he is guilt tripping you - he KNOWS he is going to struggle Wo you.
Thats why he is abusive and awful right now. He is trying to reign you in so you stay and carry on paying/looking after his dc etc…
Thats why he also ensured you have no savings (to make it harder fir you to move out)

And he isn’t going to agree he is abusive. None of them ever do. Don’t waste your energy on that.

The good thing though is that you’ve seen the light.
Carry on with your plan to move out.
Grey rock him - don’t engage.

Everything will feel much better once you are out of that.

I never get anyone involved in anything private in my life but that morning I felt I had to option he was so aggressive and venomous calling me a C**T and apparently that made it worse for both of us he can't understand why I involved anyone else Iv apparently made it worse on myself.

In the meantime, you need to grey rock him for your own sanity. You're his scapegoat for anything and everything that isn't working in his life. Even when he has a childish tantrum over a game, he manages to twist it so that it's your responsibility.

The absolute worst thing you can do is try to prove him wrong (even if you have evidence). His ego will not allow him to accept your point of view and he'll tie you up in knots of twisted logic.

Like with the game, if he needs to literally spend weeks breaking your will so that he can be the victim of the situation, he'll do that. So whatever he accuses you of, just blandly agree to mitigate the risk of him punishing you for daring to suggest he isn't lord and master of perfection.

Don't tell him you're leaving. You don't know what he might do. People like this can become incredibly vindictive if they think they're losing their little slave. He could be much worse than you can imagine so the most important thing is keeping yourself safe.

Also, please don't focus on the good times. That's what is keeping you in this cycle. Equate it to a drug addict focusing on the good times of being high, when actually their whole life is falling apart and those good times are keeping them on the cycle of addiction.

Find out what help is out there for someone becoming homeless as a result of DV. You might be able to get into social housing.

Otherwise, put money aside in secret as much as you can and get into a rental contract somewhere.

Keep all your important documents together somewhere very safe and start discreetly taking precious and sentimental items of yours to another location.

And in case you needed to hear it again, you've done nothing wrong.

Oof, how I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he realises his gravy train is ending.

He's a con man op, a crook, a grifter and I'm surprised your parents havn't warned you.

Please get away as soon as humanly possible.
It's utterly disgusting.

Get a restraining order if he tries to bully you back into his life.

Everyone else thinks he's the best he goes out of his way to help everyone else out and puts on this big show. It's only behind closed doors he's like this with me which makes me doubt am I overthinking.

Thank you for this great advice

That’s not going to last when he doesn’t have YOUR money to help people and look good though…..

At that stage tho it will be too late altho this morning I'm not having much luck at all ref housing.