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Original poster

OK be honest please, how romantic is your (male) other half of you’ve been together for over twenty years…

89 replies

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:16

My dh and I have fallen in to the classic doldrums. We’ve been married over 27 years and together for six years before that. Young adult dc have left home …thought this might be an opportunity to spark a bit of romance but … nothing really … all perfectly pleasant … he’s happy with conversations about politics and food.

This isn’t about sex btw. That’s always been fine. I’m just looking for a bit of romance but feel free to tell me please if you think I am being silly or unrealistic.

I just wish men could comprehend how just a few simple romantic gestures can make the world of difference to a relationship and lift it out of the mundane.

I know not every woman feels the same way but I do and it’s important to me in a relationship that there’s some sort of spark there.

I try from my side: cooking his favourite foods and making sure I pack his favourite snacks for business trips - just small things like that - getting his clothes mended and buying him his favourite scent. He sometimes reciprocates with presents but this is more about gestures than material things really.

He’s dreadful when we go to a restaurant together for example. He has virtually nothing to say as he’s usually tired from his work day and he just sits in silence listening to everyone else’s conversations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:18

Oh can you not edit the thread title?

It should read “if you have been together”

OP posts:
SylvanianFrenemies · 09/09/2023 14:19

Not very.
He will occasionally buy me flowers or a treat I like. But we've never been very romantic, have a great sex life, and have fun together.

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 09/09/2023 14:19

Not romantic. He does get me flowers and plants maybe every couple of months?

No sex life either. Neither of us can be arsed any more. Just no sex drive.

we still hold hands, make each other drinks, cuddle, share values, do things we enjoy together.

Still love each other. But for us it has settled into something secure but less sparky than what we had 20 years ago!

Gymmum82 · 09/09/2023 14:20

Not at all. He never really has been though. Doesn’t make much of an effort for birthdays etc.
We get on well but there’s no romance

jolaylasofia · 09/09/2023 14:20

21 years here. Never been the romantic gushy type with flowers etc but he does always tell me i'm beautiful and he loves me. We have teenagers and a 20 month old so life is very different for us but think the baby restarted our relationship.

ReadySalty · 09/09/2023 14:22

What is this "Romance" you speak of? Have never experienced it, probably never will.

bookworm44 · 09/09/2023 14:23

Together 37 years, my DH drew our names in a love heart on the bathroom mirror a few weeks back after showering. So he still has his moments.

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:23

Thanks for your replies Sylvianfrenemies and Mybedismyspiritualhome (great nns both!). It seems I’m not alone then. Do you both mind?

OP posts:
Helenloveslee4eva · 09/09/2023 14:25

Nope. Again never has been. The few times he’s say had flowers sent to me at work are memorable due to scarcity.
however we love each other to bits and I’m living my best life with my best friend I can but my own flowers

DramaAlpaca · 09/09/2023 14:25

Mine isn't romantic in the least, never has been. But he's a wonderful man, I know he adores me and that's good enough. Together 35 years now.

MyBedIsMySpiritualHome · 09/09/2023 14:25

It doesn’t bother me hugely. He does tel me he loves me on occasion. Remembers my birthday and anniversaries.

I think it’s the exception rather than the norm to have the romance of an early stage relationship 25 years on. But we have a very deep love and respect. That fees like enough for me.

Notinthegroupchats · 09/09/2023 14:26

24 years, still snogs me in the hallway. Makes a big fuss on birthdays and Xmas. But… starting a masters in two weeks and he couldn’t tell me what I’m studying or where I’m studying. Obviously hasn’t listened to me talking about it for the last six months.

CantFindTheBeat · 09/09/2023 14:26

It's a great question, OP, but I think I'd start with 'what's your definition of romance?'.

We've been married for 24 years.

We still really like each other and enjoy each others company. We are kind and considerate to each other, and often laugh.

Flowers, chocolates, rose petals - no. But I don't want or need that.

If your DH isn't a fun, enjoyable and considerate person, I think that's something to focus on and explore how to fix it (or not).
It sounds like you deserves a lovely companion.

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:27

Oh gosh many more replies too! Do you all miss it?

Thats lovely Bookworm44 and jolaylasofia and congrats on your baby!

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 09/09/2023 14:30

Ooh... my DH always meets me from the train to carry my bag home. I think that's romantic 🥰

PickAChew · 09/09/2023 14:30

No romance here, either, and never has been.

Virtually no affection, either. I get a quick goodnight kiss. Can't remember the last hug. He's become very hard to reach.

MMmomDD · 09/09/2023 14:30

I think - mending clothes and packing snacks - while nice gestures - aren’t really screaming romance and spark. And i am sure he does his own practical things for the two of you - clearly working hard, etc

I also think you two are very lucky to have a strong marriage that lasted a very long time! And that of course its hard to keep the ‘spark’ going.
As you are the one missing excitement - i think its up to you to try to model it and show him what you actually mean. If its practical things you want - tell him, as he doesn’t realise. Or - better yet - maybe there are other - non-practical joint things you can do - not after work when he os tired? Hobbies? Trips?

Echobelly · 09/09/2023 14:32

Tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful a lot, very affectionate. Never been one for gestures, just not really organised enough for that and it's not something I've ever expected. I don't think his level of 'romance' has changed over time.

Ihaveaskedyouthrice · 09/09/2023 14:33

Together 20 years next year. He's not particularly romantic but never really has been. I couldn't care less about romance or romantic gestures, he's the absolute best person I know, he adores me and and our kids and shows us that every day by his actions.

ShowOfHands · 09/09/2023 14:35

No different to 25yrs ago BUT romance to me is being held in mind and trying to do things he know I will appreciate. Sometimes that's buying a thing he knows I'll like, adding extras to a shop to cheer me up, cup of tea without asking most days, random texts, notes and emails to say hello or I love you or ask how I am, getting up when I am if it's a day I'm nervous about, checking in regularly, always doing his fair share, listening, noticing and on and on. Always reminds me I'm doing a good job as well and compliments me on any effort in whatever sphere. He's just a good egg.

Mountainsandlakes · 09/09/2023 14:36

Guess it depends on what you call romantic. My DH will do small kind things for me all the time. One example, we were shopping at a different supermarket last week. He disappeared down another aisle and came back with some little treats for me that our local supermarket no longer stocks.This morning he'd been out and bought my favourite bread so I'd have lovely fresh bread when I got up. Both of those are romantic to me, but maybe not others?

When I was pretty ill a few years ago, he built me something beautiful in the garden. Now that was romantic.

Panicmode1 · 09/09/2023 14:37

I have the opposite problem really! We will have been together for 30 years next month (married for 22) and he's still as completely soppy and romantic as when I met him at 19.

I think he struggles with me, because my upbringing was quite British/ 'stiff upper lip' and so I'm not very tactile and affectionate and he wishes I were. He (really) listens to me (buying presents that he's noticed I've liked) and we have a lot of fun together, never running out of things to say, but I sometimes find it a bit overwhelming.

Whattodowithit88 · 09/09/2023 14:38

I prefer fun over romance. I’d rather spend the day together doing something new or having a laugh than a romantic meal. We have just came out of a rut of two years and started having fun again.

Ofcourseshecan · 09/09/2023 14:40

DH and I met in our 40s and have been together more than 20 years. We’ve always been very romantic and loving with each other, often having a hug or caress in passing.

I think all our love is focused on each other because we have no children, although we are very fond of many relatives. Also, we have always been easy-going and patient — in general and especially to each other.

My childhood family was stressful and unhappy, and both DH and I had unsuccessful relationships before we met. We rescued each other from our unsatisfying lives: that makes a big difference. Now we are immensely aware of how lucky we are to have found a peaceful, happy life together.

Health issues have diminished our sex life a bit, but we are still very physically affectionate.

Have you tried having a relaxed, unpressured talk about rediscovering the romantic side of intimacy? You could then try massaging each other, or taking long country walks holding hands. See what works for both of you.

Floralnomad · 09/09/2023 14:43

We’ve been together for 38 yrs , married for 34 and he’s more romantic than me . I know that I am completely adored .