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Original poster

OK be honest please, how romantic is your (male) other half of you’ve been together for over twenty years…

89 replies

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:16

My dh and I have fallen in to the classic doldrums. We’ve been married over 27 years and together for six years before that. Young adult dc have left home …thought this might be an opportunity to spark a bit of romance but … nothing really … all perfectly pleasant … he’s happy with conversations about politics and food.

This isn’t about sex btw. That’s always been fine. I’m just looking for a bit of romance but feel free to tell me please if you think I am being silly or unrealistic.

I just wish men could comprehend how just a few simple romantic gestures can make the world of difference to a relationship and lift it out of the mundane.

I know not every woman feels the same way but I do and it’s important to me in a relationship that there’s some sort of spark there.

I try from my side: cooking his favourite foods and making sure I pack his favourite snacks for business trips - just small things like that - getting his clothes mended and buying him his favourite scent. He sometimes reciprocates with presents but this is more about gestures than material things really.

He’s dreadful when we go to a restaurant together for example. He has virtually nothing to say as he’s usually tired from his work day and he just sits in silence listening to everyone else’s conversations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:43

Thank you very much for all of the replies.

I’d settle for a snog in the hallway Notinthegroupchats 😀😂. But I agree that listening well is a very important quality. Good luck with your masters!

And no, I am not expecting the same sort of relationship that we had 30 years ago but there’s a happy medium between having the same sort of interaction you would with a flat mate (outside of the bedroom that is) and pulsating romance I think?

My dh is very, shall we say, extremely task oriented and deeply rational. 😃 So I doubt anything is going to change any time soon!

That’s kind of you CantFindTheBeat and yes, you and ReadySalty are right, I should define it.

Beyond the frivolous things like a bunch of flowers or taking me out on an excursion that interests me, I suppose having a bit more time to spend with me would be nice and turning off the news and just being a bit more attentive I suppose. We do have lots of conversations about politics, world events, and travel, but they are all things that interest him.

And I suppose I would like him to be a bit more vocal about how he feels about me as I am certainly not going to ask after all of this time. We sleep together regularly so he can’t find me that repulsive!

I suppose I mean, if I may ask, those of you who say “we adore one another” and “we love each other to bits” how do you know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:46

CantFindTheBeat · 09/09/2023 14:30

Ooh... my DH always meets me from the train to carry my bag home. I think that's romantic 🥰

Ah that is really lovely ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:48

Echobelly · 09/09/2023 14:32

Tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful a lot, very affectionate. Never been one for gestures, just not really organised enough for that and it's not something I've ever expected. I don't think his level of 'romance' has changed over time.

Our level has definitely diminished but maybe it’s me as well as him. I suppose he’s always set the tone in our relationship and I have followed his lead to an extent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:54

MMmomDD · 09/09/2023 14:30

I think - mending clothes and packing snacks - while nice gestures - aren’t really screaming romance and spark. And i am sure he does his own practical things for the two of you - clearly working hard, etc

I also think you two are very lucky to have a strong marriage that lasted a very long time! And that of course its hard to keep the ‘spark’ going.
As you are the one missing excitement - i think its up to you to try to model it and show him what you actually mean. If its practical things you want - tell him, as he doesn’t realise. Or - better yet - maybe there are other - non-practical joint things you can do - not after work when he os tired? Hobbies? Trips?

You make some very good points thank you MMmomDD

We do appreciate that we are lucky to have had a long marriage. I suppose I am assessing how it will continue.

Maybe it is me? I am a bit embarrassed to state things affectionately out loud but I do tell him how much I love him in cards. But he never seems to take much notice of them tbh.

He definitely works hard and is a good provider.

You have given me some good ideas about how to proceed though, thank you. Maybe some more spontaneous overnight trips, excursions and going out for picnics, bike rides etc?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:56

Ofcourseshecan · 09/09/2023 14:40

DH and I met in our 40s and have been together more than 20 years. We’ve always been very romantic and loving with each other, often having a hug or caress in passing.

I think all our love is focused on each other because we have no children, although we are very fond of many relatives. Also, we have always been easy-going and patient — in general and especially to each other.

My childhood family was stressful and unhappy, and both DH and I had unsuccessful relationships before we met. We rescued each other from our unsatisfying lives: that makes a big difference. Now we are immensely aware of how lucky we are to have found a peaceful, happy life together.

Health issues have diminished our sex life a bit, but we are still very physically affectionate.

Have you tried having a relaxed, unpressured talk about rediscovering the romantic side of intimacy? You could then try massaging each other, or taking long country walks holding hands. See what works for both of you.

Thank you those are good ideas and your marriage sounds wonderful Ofcourseshecan

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:00

PickAChew · 09/09/2023 14:30

No romance here, either, and never has been.

Virtually no affection, either. I get a quick goodnight kiss. Can't remember the last hug. He's become very hard to reach.

I’m sorry to hear that PickAChew and I really sympathise as my dh is quite “closed” personality wise. It’s not easy.

OP posts:
Gatekeeper · 09/09/2023 15:03

Been together 24 years, no romance at all but I trust him implicitly, we still talk shite together and laugh. At this moment he is cooking chilli and keeps filling my glass with the odd leery look. He's my husband and father of my children, maker of endless cups of tea and I love him with all my heart

80sMum · 09/09/2023 15:04

I've been married to DH for 45 years. There is not a romantic bone in his body, unfortunately! After all this time, I would be very discombobulated by romantic gestures. I don't expect them and I don't get them. That's fine with me. We both know where we stand, at least! 🤣

Windthebloodybobbinup · 09/09/2023 15:05

Not really- but he will drive home and take a photo of the unplugged iron and send it to me if I ask 😝 worth more than flowers!!

greenmarsupial · 09/09/2023 15:17

It's a bit TikTok-esque but I saw something that struck a chord with me about love languages. I do similar to you OP, make sure he has his favourite foods, make his favourite meal on special occasions, try to create time for him to pursue his interests etc. I think this is called 'acts of service' in love language speak.

The problem is that he takes these for granted as the norm and I end up feeling resentful. He's never been romantic and if he is, it's fairly rehearsed things like flowers.

I would like him to be more spontaneous and thoughtful but it would probably work better if I gave him a list of things I would find romantic and loving. I can't bring myself to though!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/09/2023 15:26

coming up to 30:years of marriage - he is far more romantic than me. Always has been. Still buys flowers, reaches to hold hands. He says I love you far more - I tried to set a reminder on my phone so I could say it to him first, but that’s died a death 😂 I love him to pieces, but I’m just not romantic.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:37

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:16

My dh and I have fallen in to the classic doldrums. We’ve been married over 27 years and together for six years before that. Young adult dc have left home …thought this might be an opportunity to spark a bit of romance but … nothing really … all perfectly pleasant … he’s happy with conversations about politics and food.

This isn’t about sex btw. That’s always been fine. I’m just looking for a bit of romance but feel free to tell me please if you think I am being silly or unrealistic.

I just wish men could comprehend how just a few simple romantic gestures can make the world of difference to a relationship and lift it out of the mundane.

I know not every woman feels the same way but I do and it’s important to me in a relationship that there’s some sort of spark there.

I try from my side: cooking his favourite foods and making sure I pack his favourite snacks for business trips - just small things like that - getting his clothes mended and buying him his favourite scent. He sometimes reciprocates with presents but this is more about gestures than material things really.

He’s dreadful when we go to a restaurant together for example. He has virtually nothing to say as he’s usually tired from his work day and he just sits in silence listening to everyone else’s conversations.

Me n ex were together 25 year. He wasnt romantic. I was. I initiated everything, sex, cuddles, intimacy etc. He never held my hand. Rarely said i love you. I wanted that. Amongst other unforgivable things, i ended it because i deserved better. Id never go into a relationship now unless he reciprocated or picked up the romantic slack. So no lol he was never romantic even from beginning x

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:38

Gatekeeper · 09/09/2023 15:03

Been together 24 years, no romance at all but I trust him implicitly, we still talk shite together and laugh. At this moment he is cooking chilli and keeps filling my glass with the odd leery look. He's my husband and father of my children, maker of endless cups of tea and I love him with all my heart

What a lovely post Gatekeeper ❤️

Trust is huge isn’t it? I do trust my dh totally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:44

greenmarsupial · 09/09/2023 15:17

It's a bit TikTok-esque but I saw something that struck a chord with me about love languages. I do similar to you OP, make sure he has his favourite foods, make his favourite meal on special occasions, try to create time for him to pursue his interests etc. I think this is called 'acts of service' in love language speak.

The problem is that he takes these for granted as the norm and I end up feeling resentful. He's never been romantic and if he is, it's fairly rehearsed things like flowers.

I would like him to be more spontaneous and thoughtful but it would probably work better if I gave him a list of things I would find romantic and loving. I can't bring myself to though!

I totally agree with your last paragraph greenmarsupial! I can’t bring myself to either 😃😃

I’m lucky in that my dh does appreciate “acts of service” and he does reciprocate in kind. It’s just that when he reciprocates it’s often related to things he likes to do anyway ifyswim!

OP posts:
Figmentof · 09/09/2023 15:47

Twenty years next year. No, I don't think DH is romantic and neither am I and I don't think either of us really minds at all. We recognise and celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, but not with surprise trips and balloons, we just agree things together e.g. "shall we try this restaurant for my birthday?" type of thing.

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:48

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:37

Me n ex were together 25 year. He wasnt romantic. I was. I initiated everything, sex, cuddles, intimacy etc. He never held my hand. Rarely said i love you. I wanted that. Amongst other unforgivable things, i ended it because i deserved better. Id never go into a relationship now unless he reciprocated or picked up the romantic slack. So no lol he was never romantic even from beginning x

Show quote history

Sorry that you’ve been through hard times. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting that Loubelle70 although most of my rl friends , with one notable exception, say I am “asking for too much” which is why I started the thread. My dh isn’t as passive as your ex but let’s just say it’s all got a bit mundane.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:52

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:48

Sorry that you’ve been through hard times. I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting that Loubelle70 although most of my rl friends , with one notable exception, say I am “asking for too much” which is why I started the thread. My dh isn’t as passive as your ex but let’s just say it’s all got a bit mundane.

Show quote history

Youre not asking for too much at all. Its continued intimacy isnt it?. Yes the passion dies down but the building of closeness shouldn't. Talk to him if hes a decent listening sort of guy..just say now kids are older we can concentrate on each other and id like us to be closer xxx

saltrocking · 09/09/2023 15:52

25 years. My dh is so romantic I could tell you so many lovely things he's done for me but here's one he does for his mom instead.

His dad has dementia. His dad would always go shopping of a weekend and bring flowers back for MIL.

My dh now goes out every weekend and buys the flowers for FIL to give to her. And writes a card from FIL on her birthday, Christmas etc.

He's a gem

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:54

saltrocking · 09/09/2023 15:52

25 years. My dh is so romantic I could tell you so many lovely things he's done for me but here's one he does for his mom instead.

His dad has dementia. His dad would always go shopping of a weekend and bring flowers back for MIL.

My dh now goes out every weekend and buys the flowers for FIL to give to her. And writes a card from FIL on her birthday, Christmas etc.

He's a gem

That's lovely and heartwarming. He sounds a good un and you must be good un too for him to still be with you ♥️😊 . Beautiful xxx

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:55

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:52

Youre not asking for too much at all. Its continued intimacy isnt it?. Yes the passion dies down but the building of closeness shouldn't. Talk to him if hes a decent listening sort of guy..just say now kids are older we can concentrate on each other and id like us to be closer xxx

Show quote history

I will certainly do that, thank you. It’s ridiculous isn’t it after all this time but I actually feel awkward at the thought of it. But it’s not fair to blame my dh for not doing something I’m not prepared to do either! 😃

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:55

That’s so lovely ❤️

OP posts:
saltrocking · 09/09/2023 15:55

@Loubelle70 thank you x

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:58

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:55

That’s so lovely ❤️

Sorry that was meant for saltrocking

I’m not used to these new Mumsnet features!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 15:59

Figmentof · 09/09/2023 15:47

Twenty years next year. No, I don't think DH is romantic and neither am I and I don't think either of us really minds at all. We recognise and celebrate birthdays and anniversaries, but not with surprise trips and balloons, we just agree things together e.g. "shall we try this restaurant for my birthday?" type of thing.

Yes that sounds like us. Fairly typical I’d say. The trouble is I would like a bit more romance. Not balloons but more connection I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 16:00

Windthebloodybobbinup · 09/09/2023 15:05

Not really- but he will drive home and take a photo of the unplugged iron and send it to me if I ask 😝 worth more than flowers!!

😃😃😂

OP posts:
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