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Original poster

OK be honest please, how romantic is your (male) other half of you’ve been together for over twenty years…

89 replies

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 14:16

My dh and I have fallen in to the classic doldrums. We’ve been married over 27 years and together for six years before that. Young adult dc have left home …thought this might be an opportunity to spark a bit of romance but … nothing really … all perfectly pleasant … he’s happy with conversations about politics and food.

This isn’t about sex btw. That’s always been fine. I’m just looking for a bit of romance but feel free to tell me please if you think I am being silly or unrealistic.

I just wish men could comprehend how just a few simple romantic gestures can make the world of difference to a relationship and lift it out of the mundane.

I know not every woman feels the same way but I do and it’s important to me in a relationship that there’s some sort of spark there.

I try from my side: cooking his favourite foods and making sure I pack his favourite snacks for business trips - just small things like that - getting his clothes mended and buying him his favourite scent. He sometimes reciprocates with presents but this is more about gestures than material things really.

He’s dreadful when we go to a restaurant together for example. He has virtually nothing to say as he’s usually tired from his work day and he just sits in silence listening to everyone else’s conversations.

OP posts:
Passthecake30 · 09/09/2023 16:04

Been together 30 yrs, 2 teens, not married. Romance is gone, teens in the house and tiring jobs doesn’t help. I need to sort out a couple of dates… it’s all down to me, he would rather just sit in front of the tv and say Ssssssh if I try to speak!

SallyWD · 09/09/2023 16:05

Not very but to be honest romance isn't that important to me. We love and respect each other and we're happy together. That's what matters to me.

Travelfan2021 · 09/09/2023 16:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

This sounds so similar to dh and me. It’s funny isn’t; I don’t think men really understand how important just a few small romantic gestures can be to us. Although I realise I sound like I have been reading too many Mills & Boon novels.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 09/09/2023 16:15

I've been very very fortunate to have had a soppy DH1 (who I lost) and just when I thought that was it for me, finding DH2 who is also a softy was more than I could have wished for, so I feel like I've had more than my fair share. We haven't made the 20 year mark yet (mid-teens only) but it does come naturally to us. We couldn't survive without a hug and kiss each day!

He's out on the patio putting together a new flat-pack computer desk for me (gently muttering under his breathe when the instructions don't make sense!), which I think is romantic, but may feel like it's just practical. Maybe it's a Language of Love.

To me anything thoughtful or caring the person you love does to make you happy is very romantic, be it making a cuppa, cooking a meal, being there to talk to when you're down or stressed out about work or the kids. It all counts towards a strong relationship. And of course gratitude is also important.

Handyweatherstation · 09/09/2023 16:16

Been together 38 years and have recently decided it's time to get married, so doing that later this year.

Neither of us is romantic and whilst we're past the 'jumping up and down' of the early years we care for each other very deeply and look out for one another. The Greeks call that kind of love 'pragma', enduring love. We often buy each other little gifts and his are always so thoughtful, though probably not what someone else might welcome. For example, a fancy new tool that I'd be reluctant to treat myself to but really want. I think one of the most important things we give each other is time, time for solitude and time to be together.

Travelfan2021 · 09/09/2023 16:22

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Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 16:29

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Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

I felt almost chided by my friendship group who nearly all rolled their eyes when I said I wanted more romance!

But I’m getting to the age now where I think women’s feelings and needs are just as important as men’s so why should I feel embarrassed? And nor should you Travelfan2021

Disclaimer: lots of pps have stated that they are not bothered about having romance in their lives, so I realise it’s not all women who want this, or something that’s exclusive to women. So many male other halves sound very romantic indeed!

OP posts:
Handyweatherstation · 09/09/2023 16:34

I suppose it depends how you define 'romantic' OP. A few months ago, I had the tooth extraction from Hell and got home in a right state. OH didn't say a word, but just held me in a big hug until I felt better. That seemed very romantic to me.

PickAChew · 09/09/2023 16:36

Yeah, I'm not bothered about the lack of flowers and hearts as that's not me, either (and it was my abusive, lazy ex - sometimes with my money!) but we don't really do "together". Sometimes it feels like I have a 3rd teenager to chivvy along.

And yes, sometimes he is chatty but it's only what he wants to talk about. 😞 There really is a lack of connection.

Hbh17 · 09/09/2023 16:36

Nope. But neither of us ever really has been, so that's fine. He does bring me breakfast in bed every Sunday. And he does (as one example)volunteer to check my car tyres before a long journey, so I think practical things are more his style. I'd be creeped out by any suggestion of "romance" tbh!

CrunchyCarrot · 09/09/2023 16:36

Been together 27 years and yes, the romance is still there! Just in small ways (although he has been known to invent treasure hunts on my birthday when he's away for work, which means little clues hidden round the house and then say a bar of chocolate hidden away!) but that's enough for me. He's just generally caring and I could not ask for more, really!

Xrays · 09/09/2023 16:39

My dh is really romantic, much more than me, we’ve been together 14 years, so not as long as some here. But to be honest I’d rather he “do” things rather than the romance. I think as naff as it sounds people have different love languages. Mine is definitely someone doing stuff for me without asking - mowing the lawn, bringing me a tea if he knows I’m busy, etc. His is physical touch and gushy words. We try to meet each other half way. One of the nicest things he’s done for me was when I was in hospital having a kidney biopsy (he couldn’t come as was home with disabled Ds) and the pair of them completely did over the garden for me, mowed it all and potted new plants etc. I know other women would think that was really crap. But to me the effort involved meant more than a bunch of flowers etc - and he knows I love our garden.

Handyweatherstation · 09/09/2023 16:42

That's lovely @Xrays I'd be thrilled too.

BigcatLittlecat · 09/09/2023 16:52

We have been together 22 years and married for 14. No children. I think romance can be shown in different ways! On the cover he looks very unromantic! I've had flowers twice and I take him shopping for my presents! But he is always doing things for me! I mention my books are everywhere and the next day he has put a shelf up! Or he meets me from the train so I don't have to walk the long way around to avoid walking under the road bridge! When my sibling died very suddenly it was all the little things he did that kept me going! The morning of their funeral he made me a soft egg and tiny triangles of toast! I hadn't eaten for days! So I think romance can be shown in different ways.

CantFindTheBeat · 09/09/2023 16:57

Do you think that it's the word 'romance' that is colouring your friends' views, op?

If you had said; "I'd like to feel loved, special, significant and connected", would they have still said you were asking for too much?

DisforDarkChocolate · 09/09/2023 16:59

Mine is still romantic. I'd like the occasional bunch of flowers but apart from that it's all good.

He's very thoughtful in the ways I like, I feel loved.

ShanghaiDiva · 09/09/2023 17:02

dh and I have been together for over 35 years. Neither of us is a romantic person, but imo it’s the small gestures which are important. When I was very busy over the summer he got my watch repaired and bought me 12 bottles of Sauvignon blanc as a surprise. He also visits my very unwell and frail mother on his own and without being asked. It’s a 15 minute visit on his way back from the gym but means a huge amount to her and takes the strain off me.

Seryse · 09/09/2023 17:04

He tells me I'm beautiful, even when my hair is still in the same top knot from the day before and slept in and I'm wearing jammies with baby puke on them 😅 He got the kids up this morning (ds 16 months and dd 13 weeks) and let me have another 2 hours in bed, woke me up with a cuppa. Went out to asda the other day there for nappies, came back with new jammies, bag full of my fave snacks and sent me for a shower after we got the kids to bed, came out to the couch made up like a bed, takeaway on its way and picked a film each to watch. He's a good egg.

verdantverdure · 09/09/2023 17:08

My husband doesn't say pretty words or send flowers. His love language is acts of advice so he does things to make my life better or easier or to make me happy. Love is an action to him and if I ever asked for "romance" he'd be a bit stumped I think.

verdantverdure · 09/09/2023 17:08

verdantverdure · 09/09/2023 17:08

My husband doesn't say pretty words or send flowers. His love language is acts of advice so he does things to make my life better or easier or to make me happy. Love is an action to him and if I ever asked for "romance" he'd be a bit stumped I think.

Acts of service!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/09/2023 17:11

Not very romantic at all, but I'm not really the romantic type - I'd find it a bit cringe if he were tbh!

Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 17:11

ShanghaiDiva · 09/09/2023 17:02

dh and I have been together for over 35 years. Neither of us is a romantic person, but imo it’s the small gestures which are important. When I was very busy over the summer he got my watch repaired and bought me 12 bottles of Sauvignon blanc as a surprise. He also visits my very unwell and frail mother on his own and without being asked. It’s a 15 minute visit on his way back from the gym but means a huge amount to her and takes the strain off me.

Edited

This thread is actually very heartening as it’s not often we get to hear about such lovely men on Mumsnet!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 17:12

Seryse · 09/09/2023 17:04

He tells me I'm beautiful, even when my hair is still in the same top knot from the day before and slept in and I'm wearing jammies with baby puke on them 😅 He got the kids up this morning (ds 16 months and dd 13 weeks) and let me have another 2 hours in bed, woke me up with a cuppa. Went out to asda the other day there for nappies, came back with new jammies, bag full of my fave snacks and sent me for a shower after we got the kids to bed, came out to the couch made up like a bed, takeaway on its way and picked a film each to watch. He's a good egg.

Another gem! ❤️. Really lovely to read!

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 17:13

Passthecake30 · 09/09/2023 16:04

Been together 30 yrs, 2 teens, not married. Romance is gone, teens in the house and tiring jobs doesn’t help. I need to sort out a couple of dates… it’s all down to me, he would rather just sit in front of the tv and say Ssssssh if I try to speak!

Bless you. I had that..i organised dates holidays etc every single 1 in 25 year. He never once organised even a meal out. I got fed up with it...yep lol 25 year but i persevered...wish i hadn't. Organise a couple dates, say to him id like you to organize a couple too, if he doesnt reciprocate every now and then, you deserve better. Forced romance is embarrassing isnt it.