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Original poster

BF wont' stay over

92 replies

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Just that really. Quite often doesn't want to stay over including once when we'd both been on holiday and hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. Along with other things it shows a lack of interest and makes me feel rejected.
Last night I expected him to and last minute said he was going to his place. Told me I could go to his, but in a last minute throw-away way that made me believe he didn't really want me to. The reason he gave was having to get up early. However, I don't think it was that early and it was the only time we've seen each other this week.
I feel like finishing it, not because I'm unhappy at the not staying over, but because he seems to have lost interest and it would be less painful to finish now than later on.
Of course if I ask him he'll just say everything is OK.

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily - the last proper relationship was 20 years ago (and with the same guy!) So if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 09/09/2023 09:43

Why is he back in your life if he was an ex 20 years ago? Has he hoovered you back?

I had an ex who always liked to maintain control by rationing time spent with me ( especially sleep overs).

I would far, far rather be alone than with someone who played those sort of games. It wears down your self esteem, but I think you already know that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2023 09:45

Do you snore?

Stratocumulus · 09/09/2023 09:49

It’s sad because it seems he is “better than nothing” for you so you are putting up with this.

Id rather live alone than put up with feeling upset that he doesn’t prioritise being with you.

Can you reconcile diaries to make specific times to be together overnight? Plan those overnighters when other events or work don’t get in the way?

If you can’t find a fulfilling way forward frankly I’d dump him. Don’t let him make you an option rather than the reason OP.

AgentJohnson · 09/09/2023 10:10

Oh dear

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily - the last proper relationship was 20 years ago (and with the same guy!) So if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

What is the average MNer? You believing that this man is your only hope gives him a lot power in the relationship because you are more likely to accept his restrictions.
He can’t have an early start every time he stays over? Is he Cinderella? If you are going to be exchanging bodily fluids with someone then being able to have Frank conversations surely should be a must. So, next time you arrange for him to be at your place tell him you would like him to stay over and why, him always rushing off makes you feel a kinda way and you don’t like it. He may be one of those types who always likes to sleep/ wake up in his own bed and if he is one of those types, than you’d rather know that over being fed bs.

It sounds like you’ve settled in a big way and you’ll need to find out if the pros outweigh the cons.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:40

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/09/2023 09:45

Do you snore?

Maybe a bit, but I also have a comfy sofa bad if the sleeping area is a problem for him. I don't mind him doing that all if we still got some time together before falling asleep and in the morning.

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 09/09/2023 10:41

He's just not that into you. You're convenient. On his terms. This is a casual relationship.

There are 4.5 billion of them on the planet.

If you want a relationship it takes time and effort.

Start by working on your self esteem and self care.

Then get out there - not thinking 'I must find a boyfriend who wants to be with me,' just getting out, being interested and interesting, sociable and present.

This one's going nowhere.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:42

"next time you arrange for him to be at your place tell him you would like him to stay over and why, him always rushing off makes you feel a kinda way and you don’t like it. "

No, my problem is not so much that I want him to stay over because it's important for ME, it's because I want HIM to want to.
My problem is his dwindling interest.
Even the saying over itself is not a huge issue really, it's his interest in me in general. (I also sleep better on my own in my own bed so I get that).

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:43

"Why is he back in your life if he was an ex 20 years ago? Has he hoovered you back?"

I got him back.

"I would far, far rather be alone than with someone who played those sort of games. It wears down your self esteem, but I think you already know that."

I know him well enough to know he's not playing games, but his lack of interest is starting to make me feel rejected, as my username suggests.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 10:43

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily

You can't have been here very long if that's what you think!

I was single for 10 years and my relationship before that was a sham. I'd never had a proper relationship until my late forties and do you know what? If it ended, I'd be on my own and I'd be ok with that.

if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

I'd choose alone and stable over any relationship that required a rollercoaster of emotions any day.

I find that, having spent most of my adult life single, it would he a much easier decision to make because I know I can do it and I'd be fine.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:44

" You believing that this man is your only hope gives him a lot power in the relationship because you are more likely to accept his restrictions."

He really is my only proper relationship though so it's not a false belief in my case.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 09/09/2023 10:44

If you snore then I can understand it, OP. A sofa bed isn’t hardly the comfiest for a night’s sleep.
Some people also just love the comfort of their own bed and surroundings. Saying that, I’d feel a bit upset by it.

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 10:45

The problem is that, if you are desperate to be in a relationship, and think he is your only option and being in a relationship is what is important to you, you are in a very vulnerable position.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:46

"I find that, having spent most of my adult life single, it would he a much easier decision to make because I know I can do it and I'd be fine."

Having spent almost all of my adult life single, I know that for me it can be lonely and sad at times. Yes, I'd probably be fine, but not happy.
What I have to evaluate is whether I'm happier now than I would be alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:47

Thebigblueballoon · 09/09/2023 10:44

If you snore then I can understand it, OP. A sofa bed isn’t hardly the comfiest for a night’s sleep.
Some people also just love the comfort of their own bed and surroundings. Saying that, I’d feel a bit upset by it.

I might snore a tiny bit. He makes weird swallowing noises himself so...
It's not just about sleeping in the same bed though, it's about cuddling and companionship too.
If being in his own bed was the main issue, he could have been serious about asking me to go to his.

OP posts:
Chocolatesandroses · 09/09/2023 10:48

to Me this sounds suspicious il be honest . I feel he may have someone else like he’s having a relationship with someone else .

ProfessorInkling · 09/09/2023 10:48

Surely it'd be better to be on your own than with someone like this?

You might not meet somewhere better anytime soon, that's true - but you absolutely won't if you're in a stale and unfulfilling relationship.

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 10:50

I get that. It was lonely and sad for le too at times. Crushingly so.

But I would far rather that then the feeling of uncertainty and not being in control of my own life that comes with constantly worrying how someone else feels about you.

If you're sad amd lonely because you're on you're own, that's circumstantial. It's not great but that content worry abutbwhether someone else is still interested in you, feeling rejected and being hyper aware of their every move in relation to what they are thinking and feeling is miserable!

Your worth is not dependent on whether this man or any other is interested in you.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:50

"
If you want a relationship it takes time and effort."

Which arguable could mean not throwing in the towel at the first signs of dissatisfaction, which is why I'm torn about just finishing it.

I also think I can't force/persuade him to be more interested.
I could tell him he has to stay over, but that would achieve nothing. I want him to WANT to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:51

Chocolatesandroses · 09/09/2023 10:48

to Me this sounds suspicious il be honest . I feel he may have someone else like he’s having a relationship with someone else .

I sometimes think there may be someone else on his MIND.
He really does get tired very easily though and especially when it's hot so I don't believe he went to see someone else when he left me at 11pm last night.

OP posts:
Olika · 09/09/2023 10:52

If he is not meeting your needs then no point being with him. I understand you think he is the only man you can get but surely you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel like this.

porridgeisbae · 09/09/2023 10:53

I wouldn't take the not wanting to stay over personally. I don't like staying over with a BF much unless I'm really relaxed with them (which takes time- even if you were with him in the past, you haven't been for years, so it's like starting out again in some respects.)

But if you think he's lost interest in general then that's something else.

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:56

Olika · 09/09/2023 10:52

If he is not meeting your needs then no point being with him. I understand you think he is the only man you can get but surely you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel like this.

Well sometimes he makes me feel good and sometimes not. Like I mentioned, it's a rollercoaster.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 10:56

Move on. If you want a proper relationship this isn't it. Not ever staying over shows Jack of interest, lack of respect, and that he's there for one thing. Do you do lots together outside the bedroom?

LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 10:57

And don't be defeatist. He's not your last hope unless you are 99 years old and he's your next door neighbour in the care home.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:58

porridgeisbae · 09/09/2023 10:53

I wouldn't take the not wanting to stay over personally. I don't like staying over with a BF much unless I'm really relaxed with them (which takes time- even if you were with him in the past, you haven't been for years, so it's like starting out again in some respects.)

But if you think he's lost interest in general then that's something else.

Have you told him how you feel?

We've been together enough time this second time around.
I get that some people don't feel comfortable staying over - I avoided staying over at his at the beginning because I didn't have my stuff, but he's happy with just a toothbrush and our usual patters is that stays at mine at the weekends so I've been a shocked a few times when he hasn't wanted to.

There are others signs of a lack of interest.

As I mentioned in my OP, if I talk to him he'll just say he's still interested, but had an early rise the next day (not THAT early) so he'll just lie or maybe he's even kidding himself.

OP posts:
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