BF wont' stay over

[Rejected12]

Just that really. Quite often doesn't want to stay over including once when we'd both been on holiday and hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. Along with other things it shows a lack of interest and makes me feel rejected.
Last night I expected him to and last minute said he was going to his place. Told me I could go to his, but in a last minute throw-away way that made me believe he didn't really want me to. The reason he gave was having to get up early. However, I don't think it was that early and it was the only time we've seen each other this week.
I feel like finishing it, not because I'm unhappy at the not staying over, but because he seems to have lost interest and it would be less painful to finish now than later on.
Of course if I ask him he'll just say everything is OK.

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily - the last proper relationship was 20 years ago (and with the same guy!) So if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

So…when my DP and I met, we weren’t sleeping together at night for a long time as I had my children with me.
He had been single for over ten years before we got together and even though we are very physically compatible and both love affection too, he definitely didn’t mind the separate-at-night - not really. Once it had got to a point where every couple of weeks we “could” have spent one night together, it really hurt my feelings that he didn’t seem to be wanting to jump at the chance. To me, the act of sleeping with someone is a very intimate act as you have completely trusted them with your asleep safety, and I even worried that he didn’t care about us much. Had lost interest.
I knew he wasn’t seeing someone else, we were with each other at both houses so much, but it came to a point where I had to say something.
He hadn't slept in bed with someone so long, and has such bad insomnia, he dreaded being even more tired because I was there. He loves me though, so over time we worked it out and now he actually sleeps better when I’m there as he feels all cosy.

You need to let him know about your feelings.

You know, OP, people are sincerely trying to help you figure out what you want, that you can get, and get it. Its a three part problem:

A) What kind of relationship do you want (how much, when, where, sex, cuddles, walks, conversation, public, private, introvert, extrovert?)

B) Can this guy give it to you freely—not begrudgingly?

C) Can you change something about yourself to get what you want from another guy?

Where we are at cross purposes, I think, is that what you think is that if you change something about YOURSELF or your body, age, appearance you could get A frim the current guy.

I don’t know what the other mumsnetters think but I think you need to change your mindset, not your person. I’m for sure no beauty, was extremely shy, and literally never dated until I was 30. At that point I threw caution and self doubt out the window, put an advertisement in a free local newspaper, and ended up getting 88 responses, dating 12 guys, and meeting and marrying the love of my life. We have
now been together 34 years, married 27.

My point here is that you have your own worth, your own inner genius, your own quality that makes it a privilege for someone to spend time with you. The process of finding the right person takes risk, sure, but you have to have high standards as well. Cast your net widely—it is a numbers fame ultimately . Rather than throwing your life away trying to make a silk purse out of this sow’s ear be proud of yourself snd look for someone enthralled by you.

I want to know some things... you may think not relevant OP but it's hard to judge any advice without knowing context.

1. Tell us about how you "got him back". Odd choice of words.

1. Why are you so sure that for him, this is more than a more casual friends sleeping together arrangement. He may say he cares for you, keep in touch etc, but if you get the feeling he's a bit hum ho and he doesn't want to stay over much...?

1. You keep saying you've explained why you only had one relationship in your life but you havent really.

"You know, OP, people are sincerely trying to help you figure out what you want,"

Some people are. Some have been answering without reading my OP or subsequent replies properly and some have been downright rude e.g. the one who said I was like a person who let their dog bite them.

"what you think is that if you change something about YOURSELF or your body, age, appearance you could get A frim the current guy."

No, not really. I quite understand that I may not be the right person for him and there's nothing I can do to mould myself into Miss Right.

" I’m for sure no beauty, was extremely shy, and literally never dated until I was 30. At that point I threw caution and self doubt out the window, put an advertisement in a free local newspaper, and ended up getting 88 responses, dating 12 guys, and meeting and marrying the love of my life. We have
now been together 34 years, married 27."

That's really nice, but I'm much older than 30.

"Cast your net widely—it is a numbers fame ultimately ."

If it was that simple, I would have figured it out already in all my years of being single.

1. "Tell us about how you "got him back". Odd choice of words."

That choice of words was just in reply to a poster who implied he came after me.
We've been friends the whole time and when he became single we got together again. I do see that you could argue that we are more friends than anything else :(

"Why are you so sure that for him, this is more than a more casual friends sleeping together arrangement. He may say he cares for you, keep in touch etc, but if you get the feeling he's a bit hum ho and he doesn't want to stay over much...?"

I totally agree that he's a bit hum ho and not very interested - it's the whole point of my thread, but some people have suggested he's a fuck buddy as if I'm sleeping with him and then he leaves and I've explained many times that's not the case. A not very interested boyfriend - yes, but a fuck buddy no way.

"3. You keep saying you've explained why you only had one relationship in your life but you havent really."

It would be a whole other thread...

Thanks Atalanta. There's more going on with mine though. Sounds like your DP was specifically avoiding sleeping in the same bed whereas mine is avoiding any kind of closeness (sometimes, at least, he does stay over sometimes). I sense a general loss of interest from him as well, which he denies. :(

I give up. You really can’t manage to accept help people are trying to give. I will bow out because you absolutely are unable to change your attitude. I will take you at your word: you are old, difficult, and never will find anything better than this loser who sometimes bothers with you and sometimes doesn’t. Hope that helps!

Christ you're a nightmare op so contrary and argumentative
Your 'relationship' is as boring as fuck and that's just me reading about it

OK so to be clear - you're saying he doesn't want to have sex with you, making excuses that he is tired? Or he doesn't want to stay over after sex and cuddle, making excuses he is tired? Or this is a relationship with no sex (not on cards due to various historical things he knows about), and while he has been ok with this, you feel his interest is waning?

You said you were both happy to stay over and not have sex - but you don't like public displays of affection so if he doesn't stay over you get no cuddling. And if he doesnt stay over he "gets nothing" so no sex?

I don't think you're a nightmare oP - but I'm not sure we grasp the problem. Is it a sex or intimacy issue or both?

This! It's all so confusing OP. Also he knows why you haven't had a relationship for 20 years and is ok with why - and that there's no hope with anyone else because they wouldn't be ok with it. You like your own space in the week but would expect he'd want to stay over at the weekend - but sex isn't important. It's the intimacy. He's turned meh about it all and despite him saying he's still into the relationship, you don't believe him. What are you going to do?

"OK so to be clear - you're saying he doesn't want to have sex with you, making excuses that he is tired?"

He doesn't want to stay over (which might or might not include sex).

"Or he doesn't want to stay over after sex and cuddle, making excuses he is tired? "

I've made it clear many times that he's not coming over for sex and then leaving. I wouldn't put up with that.

"Or this is a relationship with no sex (not on cards due to various historical things he knows about), and while he has been ok with this, you feel his interest is waning?"

No, but it's a relationship where there is no expectation of sex every time we meet - just pointing that out as some pps have suggested he's avoiding staying over to avoid sex, because we can happily sleep in the same bed without having sex.

"I'm not sure we grasp the problem. Is it a sex or intimacy issue or both?"

I guess both, but I'm also not certain what the problem is as I'm not the one refusing to stay over.

Well, thanks for that contribution. I hope you feel good about yourself now.

Thanks OP. I'm still a bit confused, sorry for the long post but I am intrigued and do want to help if I can!

You have been clear that he isn't "only after sex". He isn't someone who has sex and no other emotional connection. He has a connection with you.
Sometimes you have sex. Sometimes you do other things e.g. going out.

But- am I right you ONLY have sex on (some of the occasions) when he is staying the night? Of course you don't have sex every time you see your partner, few of us do. But usually if someone comes round to their partner at home, especially in a newish relationship, sex happens. And it has nothing to do with staying over or not. Could happen 11am on Saturday.

Why wouldn't you "put up with" him having sex then going home? Is the sex not nice? Do you not want it? This is the bit of the relationship we are finding hard to fathom.

Not to be rude, but might you be inexperienced about what a sexual relationship is like?

If he's up for shagging you, and clearly fancies you, but you won't have sex unless he stays the night, maybe he is indeed too tired or busy to do it that often.

Or maybe he's fed up with the rules about only have sex if staying the night and is losing interest.

If he did, in your view, use to want you more sexually, but now seems to less, indicated by him avoiding dates, then that's the key bit of the post- as sec is the thing that differentiates what you have from a friendship. So all the staying the night gubbins isn't what you are asking. You are asking has he gone off me sexually?

If he's not that interested in sex, and never was, then there's a whole other conversation. Have you already explicitly agreed a low sex/no sex relationship? Is he happy that way? What are the boundaries you've agreed between you about intimacy, cuddling, sleeping together? What makes this whole thing differ from friendship?

We can't see whether he has changed until we know what your normal looked like!

I am sorry but you just sound desperate and that in itself is a huge turn off

I don't think I'm desperate. I wouldn't have been single most of my life if I was desperate for a man.

"But- am I right you ONLY have sex on (some of the occasions) when he is staying the night? "

Well, the last time he didn't want to stay the night we were at a restaurant so yes, we didn't do it in the restaurant toilets.

I can only think of one afternoon we did it without either of us staying over. We don't generally go round to each other's in the mornings.

"Why wouldn't you "put up with" him having sex then going home?"

You criticise me for this and say that 'we' re finding that hard to fathom, but in fact many pps have been criticising me because they thought that's what was going on, that he was some kind of fuck buddy who drops around for a shag and then leaves.

"You are asking has he gone off me sexually?"

Partly yes, he has, but it also seems a bit more generalised because of avoiding staying over too.

"If he's not that interested in sex, and never was, then there's a whole other conversation. Have you already explicitly agreed a low sex/no sex relationship? Is he happy that way?"

No to both those questions.

I hesitate to tell you about an ex of mine. At the time he was about your DP age. I always felt that he didn’t value me highly enough, but put up with it for a while. It certainly wasn’t for the sex because he was impotent!

He was a creature of habit and regularly masturbated to porn in the evening before he went to sleep. He said he enjoyed it and slept better! For this reason, we would often not spend the night together. Any chance it’s a simple as this?

He was very handsome and could be great fun, but way too high maintenance for me. Delighted when it ended.