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Original poster

BF wont' stay over

92 replies

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Just that really. Quite often doesn't want to stay over including once when we'd both been on holiday and hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. Along with other things it shows a lack of interest and makes me feel rejected.
Last night I expected him to and last minute said he was going to his place. Told me I could go to his, but in a last minute throw-away way that made me believe he didn't really want me to. The reason he gave was having to get up early. However, I don't think it was that early and it was the only time we've seen each other this week.
I feel like finishing it, not because I'm unhappy at the not staying over, but because he seems to have lost interest and it would be less painful to finish now than later on.
Of course if I ask him he'll just say everything is OK.

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily - the last proper relationship was 20 years ago (and with the same guy!) So if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 11:00

LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 10:56

Move on. If you want a proper relationship this isn't it. Not ever staying over shows Jack of interest, lack of respect, and that he's there for one thing. Do you do lots together outside the bedroom?

I didn't say he never stayed over. He didn't last night and he didn't want to when we'd been apart for longer than usual, but usually he stays at mine at the weekends.

Yes, we do other things. We were at a restaurant last night. We went walking with friends last week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 11:01

LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 10:57

And don't be defeatist. He's not your last hope unless you are 99 years old and he's your next door neighbour in the care home.

Thanks, but did you miss the part where I said he's my only relationship (now and 20 years ago)?

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 09/09/2023 11:06

I hope it works out. Best you talk about your feelings with him.

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 11:28

OK. I think you need to have a proper conversation with him.

Not one where he fobs you off with "Of, course I'm still interested." Don't let that be the end of it and feel shut down. Tell him why you feel that way, ask him how he feels. Do you ever talk about your relationship? What you want? Where you see it going? What he wants and where he sees it going?

After so long single, I do struggle with sharing a bed with someone else. Weekends I can manage fine but I don't sleep well and having someone else there really disrupts it!

For me, a reluctance to share a bed mid week is rooted in a fear of being too tired at work the following day. They don't even need to snore just sleeping breathing is enough! 😁 That could be behind his having to get up for work early.

My boyfriend has recently moved in with me. For the first few weeks, I spent 3/5 of week nights on the sofa because just having him there and feeling like I'd never get a night in bad to myself again was terrifying. If he goes out for the evening, I go to bed at 9pm just to experience being in bed on my own.

However, a relationship that often makes you feel unsettled and uncertain isn't great. Not because there is anything necessarily wrong with either of you but because it isn't right for you

AgentJohnson · 09/09/2023 11:37

No, my problem is not so much that I want him to stay over because it's important for ME, it's because I want HIM to want to.

But he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to. Look OP Therese a lot to unpick here but the bottom line is he doesn’t want what you want in this instance and you either accept it or you don’t but saying it isn’t important to you isn’t true.

In the little you’ve shared about this relationship, its very clear that there’s a disconnect between your expectations and his. I don’t see how there can be a happy future with someone who has very different expectations of the relationship than you do. I suspect that this relationship should have stayed in the past.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:29

AgentJohnson · 09/09/2023 11:37

No, my problem is not so much that I want him to stay over because it's important for ME, it's because I want HIM to want to.

But he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to. Look OP Therese a lot to unpick here but the bottom line is he doesn’t want what you want in this instance and you either accept it or you don’t but saying it isn’t important to you isn’t true.

In the little you’ve shared about this relationship, its very clear that there’s a disconnect between your expectations and his. I don’t see how there can be a happy future with someone who has very different expectations of the relationship than you do. I suspect that this relationship should have stayed in the past.

Another misunderstanding. He usually does stay over, just not always. I'm fine with that during the week, but not on the weekends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:31

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 11:00

I didn't say he never stayed over. He didn't last night and he didn't want to when we'd been apart for longer than usual, but usually he stays at mine at the weekends.

Yes, we do other things. We were at a restaurant last night. We went walking with friends last week.

Show quote history

Just seeing that you think he's only there for one thing. He doesn't get the one thing if he doesn't stay over so it's not that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:33

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 11:28

OK. I think you need to have a proper conversation with him.

Not one where he fobs you off with "Of, course I'm still interested." Don't let that be the end of it and feel shut down. Tell him why you feel that way, ask him how he feels. Do you ever talk about your relationship? What you want? Where you see it going? What he wants and where he sees it going?

After so long single, I do struggle with sharing a bed with someone else. Weekends I can manage fine but I don't sleep well and having someone else there really disrupts it!

For me, a reluctance to share a bed mid week is rooted in a fear of being too tired at work the following day. They don't even need to snore just sleeping breathing is enough! 😁 That could be behind his having to get up for work early.

My boyfriend has recently moved in with me. For the first few weeks, I spent 3/5 of week nights on the sofa because just having him there and feeling like I'd never get a night in bad to myself again was terrifying. If he goes out for the evening, I go to bed at 9pm just to experience being in bed on my own.

However, a relationship that often makes you feel unsettled and uncertain isn't great. Not because there is anything necessarily wrong with either of you but because it isn't right for you

Yes, we talk about the relationship, but there is always a fear that he is future faking.

OP posts:
BalletBob · 09/09/2023 12:36

What kind of replies are you looking for, OP? You're being quite snippy with people. I'm not sure what you're hoping to hear.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:38

After so long single, I do struggle with sharing a bed with someone else. Weekends I can manage fine but I don't sleep well and having someone else there really disrupts it!

I understand, but I think he sleeps well at his place with ne there. He has a comfortable bed with two single mattresses put together and two duvets, but he wasn't very interested in me going to his either.

OP posts:
Calistano · 09/09/2023 12:41

Tbh the only one I really loved I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. Usually I'm a very introverted solitary type who hates sleeping with people. When you are fully into someone though it's different. He doesn't love you. Sad but true.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:42

However, a relationship that often makes you feel unsettled and uncertain isn't great. Not because there is anything necessarily wrong with either of you but because it isn't right for you

Yes, but is he really not interested or is it my insecurities, given that we didn't work out last time around? This is what I hoped posters might be able to help me with, knowing of course that nobody can see into his head. Unfortunately there have been some misunderstandings like posters assuming he never stays over or that he shags me and the leaves.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 09/09/2023 12:49

You keep saying how he's your only relationship and you don't have other options except being alone which you know well and don't think is preferable, so what's the point in analysing whether him staying over or not means he's losing interest. He's said he's interested, he does stay over sometimes, he's more interested in you than anyone else and you don't believe you'd get anyone else, so whether he's future faking or not so is immaterial really. You sound like you're feeling better off being with him on balance and if it doesn't work out again - and the chances are it won't if it's failed before and you're feeling like this - then so be if. But this is how it is now, this is who he is and you might as well adjust to it rather than wanting him to be something he's not. He's not that guy and if that's not good enough, get rid.

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 12:50

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 10:44

" You believing that this man is your only hope gives him a lot power in the relationship because you are more likely to accept his restrictions."

He really is my only proper relationship though so it's not a false belief in my case.

He isn’t a proper relationship though? He doesn’t like you that much. A proper relationship should—at minimum—be enthusiastic and pleasure filled.

Did you come here to have us all applaud your realism and lack of self worth? This isn’t realism its just depression and self loathing. This crappy relationship is all you think you deserve. Well: I beg to differ. Of course you deserve more. Settling for less is like getting a dog you don’t like, that isn’t house trained, that bites you all the time, and saying to yourself “well—at least I have a dog.!”

Raise your standards.You will either get rid of this dog or get a better one.

Motnight · 09/09/2023 12:56

What is his relationship history in the 20 years you were apart Op?

pinkdelight · 09/09/2023 13:09

The misunderstandings aren't surprising given your title is 'BF won't stay over' and you say 'just that really' but only later reveal he usually does stay over.

Wanting somebody to want to do something they don't want to do is futile. Aside from the inner workings of his mind, which no one can know, what's going on with your own insecurities? Do you feel like this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't so down on yourself?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/09/2023 13:13

Sure he's not in another relationship?
Don't sell yourself short OP. Be happy.

Chocolatesandroses · 09/09/2023 13:17

@PTSDBarbiegirl i think this too . Seeing someone else either live with her or comes to his house . Married or gf I reckon

Riapia · 09/09/2023 13:18

BF wont' stay over
Your heading of the thread.

Another misunderstanding. He usually does stay over, just not always.
From one of your replies.

Fuck me OP your hard work.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:18

BalletBob · 09/09/2023 12:36

What kind of replies are you looking for, OP? You're being quite snippy with people. I'm not sure what you're hoping to hear.

I'm sorry if I come across as snippy. I'm genuinely interested in people's opinion, particularly those who believe what I've written in my op.

OP posts:
Riapia · 09/09/2023 13:19

You’re

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:19

Riapia · 09/09/2023 13:18

BF wont' stay over
Your heading of the thread.

Another misunderstanding. He usually does stay over, just not always.
From one of your replies.

Fuck me OP your hard work.

In the op itself I say he 'quite often' doesn't stay over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:22

Calistano · 09/09/2023 12:41

Tbh the only one I really loved I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. Usually I'm a very introverted solitary type who hates sleeping with people. When you are fully into someone though it's different. He doesn't love you. Sad but true.

Thanks for your honesty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:23

Chocolatesandroses · 09/09/2023 13:17

@PTSDBarbiegirl i think this too . Seeing someone else either live with her or comes to his house . Married or gf I reckon

I would know if he had a woman living with him. Still in love with his ex is a possibility I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:24

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 13:22

Thanks for your honesty.

Show quote history

On the other hand, if that were true for everyone, all couples would move in together immediately and they don't...

OP posts: