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Original poster

BF wont' stay over

92 replies

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Just that really. Quite often doesn't want to stay over including once when we'd both been on holiday and hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks. Along with other things it shows a lack of interest and makes me feel rejected.
Last night I expected him to and last minute said he was going to his place. Told me I could go to his, but in a last minute throw-away way that made me believe he didn't really want me to. The reason he gave was having to get up early. However, I don't think it was that early and it was the only time we've seen each other this week.
I feel like finishing it, not because I'm unhappy at the not staying over, but because he seems to have lost interest and it would be less painful to finish now than later on.
Of course if I ask him he'll just say everything is OK.

I'm not the average MNer who can find someone else easily - the last proper relationship was 20 years ago (and with the same guy!) So if I finish with him I have to be ready to be alone forever so it really is a question of deciding if I can go through this rollercoaster of emotions or if I'm better off being lonely, but more stable.

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 09/09/2023 13:31

So he sometimes does stay over but sometimes chooses not to, you say yourself that you snore a bit and it was 20+ years since you were together before… giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s just become used to his own space and his own peace and quiet and just doesn’t feel the need to spend every available night being kept awake by you snoring/fidgeting etc. You say that you don’t sleep as well with him there so maybe he’s the same, just less tolerant to it?

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 13:38

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 12:42

However, a relationship that often makes you feel unsettled and uncertain isn't great. Not because there is anything necessarily wrong with either of you but because it isn't right for you

Yes, but is he really not interested or is it my insecurities, given that we didn't work out last time around? This is what I hoped posters might be able to help me with, knowing of course that nobody can see into his head. Unfortunately there have been some misunderstandings like posters assuming he never stays over or that he shags me and the leaves.

This is why it's tricky.

The general advice from some very wise posters on here is that it kind of doesn't really matter what he wants per se. If you feel unsettled then that is how the relationship makes you feel and they're not supposed to make you feel like that. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, you won't feel confused. It's taken me a while to get that but I do now.

What is it that makes you feel like he is future faking? What he says? How he says it? The fact things are promised that don't then materialise?

Ultimately, you don't know and no one here is going to (as you already know).

So the way I see it is either you find a way to be comfortable with it now, make peace with the aspects you'd prefer to be different and decide you're happy to just run with it, enjoy it on a day to day basis and whatever will be, will be in the future.

Or you decide that you don't want the uncertainty indefinitely and being alone is more predictable and emotionally safer than this.

It's a tough place. You don't want to be with someone who's losing interest but conversely, you don't want to end it due to your own insecurities. But that just leads back to my first point.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 14:01

Motnight · 09/09/2023 12:56

What is his relationship history in the 20 years you were apart Op?

Quite a few relationships, the last one very serious with a house and children, hence the real possibility that he's still in love with that ex.
No chance that he has a live in girlfriend that I haven't noticed when I go over, as someone suggested.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 14:03

ToughFuss · 09/09/2023 13:31

So he sometimes does stay over but sometimes chooses not to, you say yourself that you snore a bit and it was 20+ years since you were together before… giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s just become used to his own space and his own peace and quiet and just doesn’t feel the need to spend every available night being kept awake by you snoring/fidgeting etc. You say that you don’t sleep as well with him there so maybe he’s the same, just less tolerant to it?

I don't think I have a snoring problem, maybe I snore slightly. I can't really know myself, but there are other small issues like the duvet cover, temperature, etc. You might be right that he's more bothered by it because he gets more tired than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 14:06

GreyCarpet · 09/09/2023 13:38

This is why it's tricky.

The general advice from some very wise posters on here is that it kind of doesn't really matter what he wants per se. If you feel unsettled then that is how the relationship makes you feel and they're not supposed to make you feel like that. If someone loves you and wants to be with you, you won't feel confused. It's taken me a while to get that but I do now.

What is it that makes you feel like he is future faking? What he says? How he says it? The fact things are promised that don't then materialise?

Ultimately, you don't know and no one here is going to (as you already know).

So the way I see it is either you find a way to be comfortable with it now, make peace with the aspects you'd prefer to be different and decide you're happy to just run with it, enjoy it on a day to day basis and whatever will be, will be in the future.

Or you decide that you don't want the uncertainty indefinitely and being alone is more predictable and emotionally safer than this.

It's a tough place. You don't want to be with someone who's losing interest but conversely, you don't want to end it due to your own insecurities. But that just leads back to my first point.

Show quote history

I'm glad you understand its tricky. I don't particularly syscribe to the idea that when the right person comes, everything will be perfect, like a knight in shining armour. We have our own problems and sometimes we self-sabotage.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 21:04

Ok, sure, no knights in shining armor. But what about someone who is passionate about you and prefers being with you to being without you? Or a busy person sho works away but who makes every second count?
The relationship sounds lackluster at best—why are you settling for being an acquaintance with benefits with a guy secretin love with his ex?

supercali77 · 09/09/2023 21:45

I'm sorry, I just can't imagine not wanting to stay over with someone i'm in love with.

NamaraMc · 09/09/2023 22:08

Could it be a sex related issue? Men find it deeply shameful so would do anything than admit it? If it is just nighttimes he is avoiding might be the problem here. Or some other issue he is uncomfortable sharing.
Could it be that for him it's a friendship but he is afraid or doesn't know how to say it?
I think I'd probably let a bit of space open up and see what happens - don't invite him over or suggest an outing. See if he does.
Ultimately you need clarity and that means an honest conversation otherwise you are living in your imagination and letting yourself be hurt- that's not actually a relationship anyway.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 23:17

NamaraMc · 09/09/2023 22:08

Could it be a sex related issue? Men find it deeply shameful so would do anything than admit it? If it is just nighttimes he is avoiding might be the problem here. Or some other issue he is uncomfortable sharing.
Could it be that for him it's a friendship but he is afraid or doesn't know how to say it?
I think I'd probably let a bit of space open up and see what happens - don't invite him over or suggest an outing. See if he does.
Ultimately you need clarity and that means an honest conversation otherwise you are living in your imagination and letting yourself be hurt- that's not actually a relationship anyway.

If I don't contact him to meet up, he will contact me. Your point about it possibly being more of a friendship for him might be right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 23:20

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 21:04

Ok, sure, no knights in shining armor. But what about someone who is passionate about you and prefers being with you to being without you? Or a busy person sho works away but who makes every second count?
The relationship sounds lackluster at best—why are you settling for being an acquaintance with benefits with a guy secretin love with his ex?

I don't know if he's secretly in love with his ex. It's a possibility in my opinion. And I'm more than an acquaintance with benefits.

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 09/09/2023 23:57

@Rejected12

If you are willing to accept this, why break up with him?He probably finds his place to be more comfortable.
You both seem comfortable enough with this set up to tolerate it. Neither of you seem to have higher expectations

Decide what you want from life or what you are at least willing to live with and move in that direction. You don't have to accept or adopt any one else's relationship aspirations. You are free to live up to, down to, or settle for whatever if is that you decide is in your particular interest.

No one else is going to move into your home and live your life in your stea

pikkumyy77 · 10/09/2023 12:30

Rejected12 · 09/09/2023 23:20

I don't know if he's secretly in love with his ex. It's a possibility in my opinion. And I'm more than an acquaintance with benefits.

Show quote history

Ok—so what is it permitted that we say? If I accept your suggestion that he is secretly in love with his ex you then disagree with me/yourself. If I, on the strength of your description describe your situation as friends with benefits you deny that.

If you liked the relationship as it is you never would have posted in the first place. If you trusted him you never would have described him as future faking. To me nothing you have described adds up to a significant relationship with a real future. Only you can determine whether this half life with this largely indifferent man is good enough for you.

Of course I think you deserve more. If that upsets you sit for a minute and ask yourself when having high expectations for yourself, or receiving encouragement and praise from a relative, friend, or lover became so frightening.

You talked upthread about how “one has one’s own impulses or drives” (paraphrasing) that affect the relationship—thats true. I assume that history and predisposition makes you prefer the devil you know to the risk of starting over. But you can change your life if you change your priors! Stop waiting for him to care more about you snd want to stay over—thats who he is and he won’t change. Look for someone who is passionate about you. Or accept that you are settling for something that doesn’t make you happy.

harerunner · 10/09/2023 12:38

@NamaraMc

Could it be a sex related issue? Men find it deeply shameful so would do anything than admit it?

You don't have to stay the night to have sex!

However, if there isn't any sex on the days he chooses not to stay over, there may be a link. I've done that before when unsure about a relationship and not wanted to have sex, knowing that sleeping over would have either meant having sex, or having to awkwardly resist advances when I bed and explain why I wasn't up for it.

harerunner · 10/09/2023 12:42

@Rejected12

Thanks, but did you miss the part where I said he's my only relationship (now and 20 years ago)?

Even if @LittleMonks11 had missed it, her point is still valid!

Why are you so sure there is no hope of finding anyone else? What happened when you weren't with him to make you feel this?

IDriveMySupernova · 10/09/2023 13:30

When I’m seeing someone I don’t like staying over at their house, and to be honest I don’t really like them staying at mine. I like my own bed with everything I need around me. And I hate having someone there when I’m getting ready for work. And just having to talk to anyone in general first thing.

Reading back, it’s no wonder I’m single Grin but my point is it’s not necessarily personal/affair/lusting over an ex.

Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 16:14

harerunner · 10/09/2023 12:38

@NamaraMc

Could it be a sex related issue? Men find it deeply shameful so would do anything than admit it?

You don't have to stay the night to have sex!

However, if there isn't any sex on the days he chooses not to stay over, there may be a link. I've done that before when unsure about a relationship and not wanted to have sex, knowing that sleeping over would have either meant having sex, or having to awkwardly resist advances when I bed and explain why I wasn't up for it.

We are both quite happy to stay over and not have sex. It's really not a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 16:19

IDriveMySupernova · 10/09/2023 13:30

When I’m seeing someone I don’t like staying over at their house, and to be honest I don’t really like them staying at mine. I like my own bed with everything I need around me. And I hate having someone there when I’m getting ready for work. And just having to talk to anyone in general first thing.

Reading back, it’s no wonder I’m single Grin but my point is it’s not necessarily personal/affair/lusting over an ex.

I know what you mean about mornings, but staying over does at least give you the option of having a bit more time together and possibly some physical attention. Neither of us are into publuc displays of affection so going out as we did on Friday and then going home separately means no touching and feeling disconnected.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 16:21

harerunner · 10/09/2023 12:42

@Rejected12

Thanks, but did you miss the part where I said he's my only relationship (now and 20 years ago)?

Even if @LittleMonks11 had missed it, her point is still valid!

Why are you so sure there is no hope of finding anyone else? What happened when you weren't with him to make you feel this?

When I wasn't with him I was single and celibate except for one relationship with an impotent man. I have my own issues that this ex can deal with whereas I can't expect that from new people and certainly not from online dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 16:29

UPDATE: I saw him this afternoon for a of hours. He obviously won't admit to having lost interest. He just said he was hot and tired. It wasn't particularly late or hot, but he does have lower tolerance than me to both those things.
He admitted he was totally no bothered about whether I went to his or not and his priority was getting back to his own comfortable bed.

I totally see his point about comfort, tiredness whatever, but can't help thinking that if I was young and beautiful he might put up with losing some sleep.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 10/09/2023 16:34

Perhaps OP should meet her own needs rather than expecting them to met by a man.

supercali77 · 10/09/2023 16:37

This man isn't Jesus. If he can deal with an issue, then other men can too. Whatever it is

Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 16:38

Honeychickpea · 10/09/2023 16:34

Perhaps OP should meet her own needs rather than expecting them to met by a man.

I'm here so no neex to refer to me in the third person.
I can't cuddle myself unfortunately.

OP posts:
IDriveMySupernova · 10/09/2023 16:47

Whether he’s lost interest or not, it doesn’t sound like the relationship is fulfilling for you or meeting your (perfectly reasonable) needs.

I know you say you’ve found it difficult to meet someone, but what’s worse - being on your own and feeling lonely, or being with someone and feeling rejected and alone?

I know neither is ideal, but at least with the former there’s still hope of finding the right person for you. The latter is potentially setting yourself up for years of unhappiness and erosion of your self esteem.

borninthe80esss · 10/09/2023 16:53

Sorry to be blunt but this doesn't sound like a relationship more like a sex buddy.
That's fine if you're happy with that setup but you obviously not.
Why were you single for 20 years and why do you believe that leaving this relationship would result in you being alone forever?

Original poster
Rejected12 · 10/09/2023 17:14

borninthe80esss · 10/09/2023 16:53

Sorry to be blunt but this doesn't sound like a relationship more like a sex buddy.
That's fine if you're happy with that setup but you obviously not.
Why were you single for 20 years and why do you believe that leaving this relationship would result in you being alone forever?

I suppose I will be called snippy again, but this comment shows you haven't been reading the thread. He is in no way a sex buddy, as I have explained. I have also explained why I have been alone before and since him.

OP posts:
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