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Original poster

Dad fallen out with me and I don't know why

81 replies

Jendrw5 · 08/09/2023 07:05

My dad visited me, dh and our son a few times during our sons first year. Him and his wife also came to his 1st birthday party.

But the last time he visited, when my son was 13 months old, he shouted at us all. He said he didn't enjoy coming to visit as it was a long day for him (8 hours total train journey), and that my son wasn't interacing with him enough. He also didn't enjoy the activities we did when he came to visit (usually softplay, the park, a meal, or our house, but never a pub which I think he'd prefer, but I just didn't think it was ideal for a baby). This blindsided us a bit though, because I'd spoken to him and his wife in the mo ths before and they'd both said that he enjoyed coming and looked forward to it, so I'm not sure why he suddenly decided he didn't.

Just before he went on a rant to us, which really made me upset, we'd been chatting away normally and I thought we'd been having a nice time.

He didn't get in touch afterwards, he stormed out of the restaurant we were in while I'd gone to bathroom for a big cry. But he sent a birthday message to me and was acting normal so I was sort of expecting him to apologise. Then his wife messaged me and said they were thinking of visiting in a few months time, no mention of what happened last time, so I brought it up and said I didn't want it happening again. She replied, angrily, and said I've made my dad sick saying what I said, but all I did was repeat what he said to us and how it made us all feel.

Now I don't know what to do, I want to see my dad again, but I don't know why he's being so horrible to me or what I've done wrong. None of it makes sense.

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 08/09/2023 07:08

An 8 hour total train journey sounds very stressful and tiring. Could he not stay over? Why does his wife not come too? I’m not sure MN can give you the answers, OP. Only your Dad knows why he’s upset so try asking him.

LoonyLois · 08/09/2023 07:10

A long train journey to sit at a soft play place isn’t much fun really. I can understand why he was frustrated. Could you all just stay at your house and chill? Or could you go and visit him?

AgentProvocateur · 08/09/2023 07:10

That’s a long journey. Does he stay over? Maybe you could meet halfway on neutral ground and spend the day together.

HotWaxToTheMax · 08/09/2023 07:11

Does he have form for this? Do you remember him being angry as a kid yourself?
You've mentioned he'd prefer the pub, is he a drinker?
Tbh I'd not want an angry man around my child, but that's my own personal experience coming through.
If you want to see him can you meet on your own first to work it out? Not through his wife, that's not useful. 🌺

Bookish88 · 08/09/2023 07:13

I'm not sure why you're confused OP. What you did wrong is feeling the need to go back over old ground and say something that really didn't need to be said.

Your dad is the one who's having to make all the effort to visit you, an 8 HOUR train journey. And you then expect him to sit in a park, or a soft play, when you know what he'd really like is to have a drink in a pub. Why couldn't you accommodate both? There are plenty of family friendly pubs where the poor man could have had a drink if that's something he enjoys.

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 07:16

Its a long haul when youre older tbh..however theres ways of saying it. Kids sometimes just dont interact ...one of my grandson cries if i pick him up, so i dont, but i am present, for his memories and stability of familiarity. Its not about me. Other grandson is like a limpet with me. Every kids different. Your dad could have worded it differently , but he didn't. Like suggested, can they stay over? Can you stay over there?!

Enko · 08/09/2023 07:16

Op is this a change in behaviour in your dad? Getting angry and shouting and then later being upset over those same words?

How old is he?

BoohooWoohoo · 08/09/2023 07:22

There's younger people on here balking at a 2 hour drive- a 8 hour train journey in a day must be stressful especially if he's older and the journey involves connections. Can he stay overnight?
Do you ever visit your dad? It's probably easier for you to do the journey than vice versa.

LifeIsShambolic · 08/09/2023 07:22

I wouldn't enjoy an 8 hour round trip to sit in park or even worse soft play!
It sounds like you have tailored the activities to your child rather than visiting guests.
Even a walk around a national trust property and a nice cafe lunch would be more appropriate.
Why is it an issue if he wants to go to the pub? It is perfectly possible to find a nice one and have a couple of drinks even with a baby....some of them even serve lovely evening meals (awaits drip feed that dad is an alcoholic).
I think your dad was probably tired from the journey and then bored witless with the day you planned and it has escalated from there.

Epidote · 08/09/2023 07:25

8 hours trip can get a bad mood in your dad and in me. I can grant you that. That arrangement seems not good for him. Can they stay over? Can you visit him with or without you H?
I think they want to see your child but by the look of it you are a bit precious.

SallyWD · 08/09/2023 07:26

I don't think your dad's behaviour was great but also the thought of travelling for 8 hours (even if you mean 4 hours each way) to sit in a soft play centre sounds awful!! I'm not surprised he got frustrated. Could he stay over so it's a bit less exhausting? And could you go to visit him sometimes? Also when he visits can you do things he'd enjoy too? A nice pub lunch is possible with a small child (some pubs even have kids areas) or lunch at your place so your child can play with their toys and your dad can relax and chat with you in a nice environment.
Soft play centres are hell on earth.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 08/09/2023 07:27

Quite surprised that you'd expect a guest with 8 hours of travel to endure, to think that soft play or a park is a brilliant way to spend a day.

Why are all of the adults adapting to what a one year old wants to do? Surely you could have easily had a lovely pub lunch.

Gazelda · 08/09/2023 07:30

Phone him. Better still, face time him.

Say you miss him but want to understand what happened during his last visit. Apologise if he thinks you were thoughtless and say you were shocked at his outburst.

Suggest meeting half way because you know it's a lot of travel for him. You can meet in a cafe or a riverside pub or whatever. It's doesn't have to be a rowdy 'drinkers' pub. Most these days are family friendly. Or, as pp suggested, an NT or beautiful walk.

Don't message through his wife, that's bringing her into a row that she wasn't part of originally.

ZebraD · 08/09/2023 07:35

Soft play is anyone’s worst nightmare! I wouldn’t need an 8 hour journey to be fed up if I went there!

Original poster
Jendrw5 · 08/09/2023 07:35

He used to come over for a long weekend before I had my son, and see the whole family. I'm not sure why he doesn't do that anymore. It was his decision to come to visit so often as he'd got a railcard before he even asked me about it.

One of the reasons I wouldn't want to take him to the pub is because he takes medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol, and I don't want him doing that obviously.

He's always been a bit unusual with me, behaviour wise, he had a go at me on chrostmas day for not putting hi dad before my message to him on Xmas morning. A lot of the time I just feel like I can't do anything right. I just wish he'd have suggested something to do instead, because we did ask him but he just said he didn't know. When I said a few months ago we could go to the park, it's a botanical park, very scenic with a canal running through it too, he thought that was a good idea, but then when we actually did it that's when he started shouting at us. I'm never very good at making decisions and always end up doing the wrong thing. Sometimes I think he'd rather I didn't exist at all.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 08/09/2023 07:38

Is it the onset of dementia? Or just far too much of a day for him. That's a hell of a long journey for anyone.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 08/09/2023 07:45

I loathe soft play and take my two grandsons with gritted teeth. I would be very unhappy after a long journey being expected to go there. Did you ask him what he would like to do? I feel there are definite communication problems between you.

LadyEloise1 · 08/09/2023 07:49

That's very odd behaviour from him. Really odd behaviour.
Yes it's a long journey and probably a bit boring for him but he does it to see his grandchild- but that's what people do for their family.
To shout and rant like a small child ???
Is he always sooo mercurial ?
Or perhaps it's the beginning of some sort of illness and his wife is in denial.

Mistressanne · 08/09/2023 07:51

An 8 hour round trip in a day is too long.
Could you visit them occasionally?
Also on the days your dad visits you need to do adult activities. If he wants to go to a pub restaurant then do it, whether or not he drinks is not on you.

Jackydaytona · 08/09/2023 07:51

Jendrw5 · 08/09/2023 07:35

He used to come over for a long weekend before I had my son, and see the whole family. I'm not sure why he doesn't do that anymore. It was his decision to come to visit so often as he'd got a railcard before he even asked me about it.

One of the reasons I wouldn't want to take him to the pub is because he takes medication that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol, and I don't want him doing that obviously.

He's always been a bit unusual with me, behaviour wise, he had a go at me on chrostmas day for not putting hi dad before my message to him on Xmas morning. A lot of the time I just feel like I can't do anything right. I just wish he'd have suggested something to do instead, because we did ask him but he just said he didn't know. When I said a few months ago we could go to the park, it's a botanical park, very scenic with a canal running through it too, he thought that was a good idea, but then when we actually did it that's when he started shouting at us. I'm never very good at making decisions and always end up doing the wrong thing. Sometimes I think he'd rather I didn't exist at all.

He's a bully
Bullies get very upset when you stand up to them
Not sure what you or your child get from this "relationship" really 🤔

Xrays · 08/09/2023 07:54

Does he know how you feel about him drinking with his medication? - maybe he feels like you’re judging him, it’s not for you to do that (speaking as a child of an alcoholic here). As much as you might not agree it’s his choice. But it’s also your choice not to go to a pub.

Could you go and visit him instead?

Dolores87 · 08/09/2023 07:55

Is your Dad 5?

He is being completely ridiculous.

Hopingforagreatescape · 08/09/2023 08:03

I think what's happened is that they tried to put it behind you all when she suggested a visit the last time, and then you raked it up again by saying you didn't want what happened last time to happen again. I think by suggesting another visit, that meant they intended not to let it happen and were offering an olive branch, but you brought it all up again.

You should apologise and say you'd love to see them and try to make it so your dad is not sitting on a train for 8 hours in one day.

(I'm not saying his behaviour was great that day, but I'm just saying how this has blown up this time).

Mischance · 08/09/2023 08:04

I can understand that the long journey was difficult and that he might not have been happy about things, but that is no excuse for shouting. Is that part of his usual behaviour?

Thelonelygiraffe · 08/09/2023 08:05

I'm quite surprised by some of these messages.

OP's dad is an adult. He can choose to book a hotel rather than do both journeys in one day.

Op asked her dad what he wanted to do, but he didn't know.

There's a communication problem here for sure, but it's not OP's fault.

Op, your dad is a bully. Shouting at you because you didn't start a text with 'Hi Dad' - bonkers.

Shouting and getting upset b/c your 1yo didn't want to interact with him - who's the adult here?

Shouting at OP b/c they're not doing what he wants, even though he hasn't suggested anything? Crap comms.

I can guess that he's always been like this. And now he's got his wife to act as his flying monkey and shout at OP too.

Op, how much do you get from this relationship? If you still want to see him, I advise to to arrange to meet - maybe somewhere neutral in between your houses - and talk. Tell him how upsetting his behaviour was. Say you don't appreciate being shouted at like this, and he should use his words. But tbh, he sounds very un-self-aware and as if he has the emotional maturity of a toddler.
💐

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