Dad fallen out with me and I don't know why

[Jendrw5]

My dad visited me, dh and our son a few times during our sons first year. Him and his wife also came to his 1st birthday party.

But the last time he visited, when my son was 13 months old, he shouted at us all. He said he didn't enjoy coming to visit as it was a long day for him (8 hours total train journey), and that my son wasn't interacing with him enough. He also didn't enjoy the activities we did when he came to visit (usually softplay, the park, a meal, or our house, but never a pub which I think he'd prefer, but I just didn't think it was ideal for a baby). This blindsided us a bit though, because I'd spoken to him and his wife in the mo ths before and they'd both said that he enjoyed coming and looked forward to it, so I'm not sure why he suddenly decided he didn't.

Just before he went on a rant to us, which really made me upset, we'd been chatting away normally and I thought we'd been having a nice time.

He didn't get in touch afterwards, he stormed out of the restaurant we were in while I'd gone to bathroom for a big cry. But he sent a birthday message to me and was acting normal so I was sort of expecting him to apologise. Then his wife messaged me and said they were thinking of visiting in a few months time, no mention of what happened last time, so I brought it up and said I didn't want it happening again. She replied, angrily, and said I've made my dad sick saying what I said, but all I did was repeat what he said to us and how it made us all feel.

Now I don't know what to do, I want to see my dad again, but I don't know why he's being so horrible to me or what I've done wrong. None of it makes sense.

it's a botanical park, very scenic with a canal running through it too, he thought that was a good idea

Four hours travelling on public transport, then physical activity. To be followed by another four hours on trains/buses/walking/standing up.

But likes the idea of sitting down somewhere relatively quiet (pub during the day). And initially liked the idea of the park, but then maybe it's not quite as physically undemanding as it sounds like. Add in a feeling that he might have been struggling to keep up whilst you all plough on with him trailing behind in pain, maybe?

This could be tiredness and pain.

We have been to visit him too, but we can't afford to go once a month, like he wanted to do.

When he shouted at us I asked him what he'd rather do and he just said he didn't know, he's been to our home town lots throughout the years so he knows what there is to do here. The other thing is, he's put on social media in the past him going to restaurants and parks, not softplay though, with his wife and friends, so I don't know why he enjoys doing those things with them but not with us.

He's also taken us to a very similar park where he lives and enjoyed that too, as we all did, so I was shocked when he said he didn't enjoy it as he always has done in the past.

I want to have a relationship with him, and I want my son to have a grandfather in his life, as his other granddad died before he was born. My husband is done with him though, he's seen how he treats me and my mum, who's always been really good to him, and he's had enough.

Your Dad sounds unpleasant. Sounds to me like you are making lots of effort to accommodate what he might like to do. Why doesn't he start making some plans?

@NeverDropYourMooncup my mum was with us too, and walks quite slow in general, we were all taking our time and taking photos of the flowers and statues etc. My dad even gave my mum his bag to carry, we put it on the buggy instead, because we thought that was a better way of carrying things. But then it started to rain so we went to a nearby restaurant for an early lunch.

I don't know why he doesn't stay the night, like he used to, he's certainly got the money to do so, then if he wanted to relax after his train journey he could.

Perhaps you should do some work on why you want this bully in yours and your sons life?

My husband is done with him though, he's seen how he treats me and my mum, who's always been really good to him, and he's had enough

This is important. I knew there would be an abusive back story here.

Op, why do you want your dc to see someone who's abusive to you?

My dad even gave my mum his bag to carry

Why?!

I agree. He's the guest, do something he would enjoy.

Also, lots of older people have back/joint issues that would make it even more tiring/painful

No wonder he was fed up.

That puts different spin on things.
He sounds like its his way or the highway. He does sound a bully reading your subsequent posts OP. after reading other posts i personally wouldnt contact him about grandkids. I would send fathers day card, xmas card etc but no FaceTime after the hi dad scenario. Its your boundaries and he's stropping because youre using yours. I am no contact with my mum, shes a narcissistic, internalised misogynist whom isnt really interested in her grandkids unless everyone is pandering to her. I feel your dads the same. They dont change OP...not at this age. And like someone stated, he now has his flying monkey , his wife. Youll lose this one if you stay in touch with him and you, your kids will suffer. Kids pick up on resentment, the kids will know grandad doesnt want to be there, and that can affect their self esteem. Just send your dad cards on special occasions and leave it at that.

^.. unless he backtracks which i doubt.

This thread is bonkers!

adult man threw a ridiculous temper tantrum and people think it’s okay because he had been on a train!

we all have bad days - but most are mature enough to own our behaviour and apologise when necessary!

You can’t walk on eggshells.

it’s okay to say last visit was upsetting. There should have been an apology and there wasn’t.

@Loubelle70 I am worried about how it will affect my son if he keeps being like this, that's mostly why I brought it up with his wife, because I don't want it to be something that keeps happening.

Growing up, I always knew my dad didn't love me the way that my friends dad's loved them, although I used to think it was my friends that had the unusual relationship and I had the normal one. I don't want my son growing up, thinking he's not good enough for his grandfather. But I also don't want him growing up without his grandfather.

My brothers going to see him this month so I'm hoping that my dad will listen to him as he's always got on ok with him, as my brother is a football fan, so they have something to talk about. I don't know much at all about football or any of the players or stadiums, so unfortunately I've never been able to have a good conversation with him.

Go on to the thread 'But We Took You To Stately Homes!'
Posters withering in about a train have clearly never had an abuser for a parent. Your father is an abuser and should not be inflicted on you or your kid. You need to unlearn pandering to him and walking on eggshells.

@Bellyblueboy that was my thinking initially too. He didn't apologise so I thought him and his wife must think its OK to say whatever they want to us, whenever they want, regardless of how it makes us feel.

I'd never dream of shouting at anyone the way he did to us, no matter how stressed I was.

I genuinely dont understand why so many people think a relatio sgip with grandparents is more important for their children than a healthy relationship.

My grandfathers died before I was born. My DCs grandfathers are in different countries. None of our lives have been affected by the lack of grandfathers.

Your son may be too young to notice now that his grandfather isn't alway very nice, but he will. If your DH has had enough, how is that going to work anyway if they come again?

Is your dad like this with women in general OP? Could be gd (bad) ole misogyny and sexism...considering he gets on with your brother well?. Id have word with brother to have word with dad like you say but if nothing comes from that id not contact dad only by cards on special occasions.
My daughter is 33..but growing up she felt her grandma was icy with her and it affected her self esteem growing up, like she didnt love her. I wish i had have ended the contact with my mum and my daughter before i did, but i was young and like you trying to maintain gran and grandchild relationship, but it did the opposite, for my child anyway. I hope it works out, but your own house family is your priority, not your dad.

But even if it’s tiredness and pain surely he could have expressed that by saying “so sorry love, my feet are hurting, do you mind please if we go somewhere to sit down?”

I am massively surprised by all the understanding messages on here. Is it bc he’s a man? Imagine a grandmother visiting and shouting about her grandson not interacting with her enough and that she hated the day’s activities and storming out of a restaurant? No one would have any sympathy with her at all.

It’s ridiculous complaining that a child won’t interact with you enough as well. A relationship like that takes time to build.

Maybe he was irritated by the presence of your mum but there’s never any excuse for shouting or storming out of restaurants.

Certainly agree that eight hours travel is way too long.

Op if you want to continue this relationship I would advise FaceTiming him and saying you are confused by what happened. And have an honest conversation.

But to me it sounds like your dh has the measure of him and that he’s one of those people that can’t be happy unless all the attention is on him.

Until you mentioned his medication, I wondered whether he was an alcoholic who really struggles to go that long without a drink. Is that a possibility?

We all just sympathised with him because it seemed like he was making a huge effort to visit OP (8 hours on a train!) then was dragged to a soft play centre. I think most would agree that it's a horrible day out.
However since the first post there's been a bit of a drip feed and we can see that it was his choice not to stay over, he shouldn't be going to pubs (his preference) because of medication and he has often been difficult and unreasonable to OP in the past. None of this was clear at the start.

yes @SallyWD

OP, I grew up without grandfathers. You don´t miss what you don´t know. I am fine. My brother is fine. I think you are trying to play happy families when that isn´t what you have. I would leave it well alone. Concentrate on your husband and child and don´t subject said child to someone who will suddenly explode and make him feel like shit.

OP take no notice of posters minimising your Dad's behaviour and who think it's ok for you him to shout at you and behave like a spoilt brat. He could have stayed over or got a hotel, you dont need to pander to him. From the comments you made about his historic behaviour towards you he sounds like an unpleasant bully. Your partner has the right idea, don't invite him again.

I have 2 grandkids, luckily see them every week and have the older one over night every week. I work, am disabled and travel 4 buses to see them. I would travel the world just to see them, as long as body stays able...8 hrs is long haul so I'd probably stay overnight at hotel. Its not about me, its about the kids having a positive experience around family and remembering that. Memories. If i was struggling say sat in soft play, id excuse myself for a while and go have coffee elsewhere for a breather and return after say an hour .. kids probably playing anyway to notice for such short absence. There's ways round it, im always compromising lol but its worth it to see the grandkids.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drip feed the post. I never really thought to mention about him not staying over, even though I've always thought that would be better myself.

Thank you all for your opinions and advice. Its still hard to know what to do, I just want the best for my son, not bothered as much about myself. But I'll wait to see what happens with my brother, he certainly wouldn't take any of his behaviour, which I think is why my dad's always picked on me and my mum more.

Ive gotta go to work OP, Im glad you updated us on background. It is abuse from your dad tbh. Put your house family first. Hagd. ♥️