Dad fallen out with me and I don't know why

[Jendrw5]

My dad visited me, dh and our son a few times during our sons first year. Him and his wife also came to his 1st birthday party.

But the last time he visited, when my son was 13 months old, he shouted at us all. He said he didn't enjoy coming to visit as it was a long day for him (8 hours total train journey), and that my son wasn't interacing with him enough. He also didn't enjoy the activities we did when he came to visit (usually softplay, the park, a meal, or our house, but never a pub which I think he'd prefer, but I just didn't think it was ideal for a baby). This blindsided us a bit though, because I'd spoken to him and his wife in the mo ths before and they'd both said that he enjoyed coming and looked forward to it, so I'm not sure why he suddenly decided he didn't.

Just before he went on a rant to us, which really made me upset, we'd been chatting away normally and I thought we'd been having a nice time.

He didn't get in touch afterwards, he stormed out of the restaurant we were in while I'd gone to bathroom for a big cry. But he sent a birthday message to me and was acting normal so I was sort of expecting him to apologise. Then his wife messaged me and said they were thinking of visiting in a few months time, no mention of what happened last time, so I brought it up and said I didn't want it happening again. She replied, angrily, and said I've made my dad sick saying what I said, but all I did was repeat what he said to us and how it made us all feel.

Now I don't know what to do, I want to see my dad again, but I don't know why he's being so horrible to me or what I've done wrong. None of it makes sense.

First of all - you didn't do anything wrong. Don't say things like "I can never make a right decision" when its plain obvious you gave him options and he pretty much picked one.

You did the right thing by questioning him, because he did act unhinged and your son really does not need this sort of behaviour around him.

Initially I was going to ask if perhaps your dad is experiencing early dementia, but according to your other posts he has always been an asshole to you.

you are now responsible for safeguarding your son, and it's not only your right but also your duty as a parent to not allow this sort of behaviour.

What was he like when you were young? Was he critical, picky, explosive? Or is this new? did you have a close, loving relationship?

It’s sad when you say you don’t have big conversations because you’re not into football.

Could he have dementia OP??

Growing up, I always knew my dad didn't love me the way that my friends dad's loved them, although I used to think it was my friends that had the unusual relationship and I had the normal one. I don't want my son growing up, thinking he's not good enough for his grandfather. But I also don't want him growing up without his grandfather.

Oh, sweetheart, you deserve so much better than this. Your dad is a misogynistic bully who bullies you and your mum but doesn't bully his son? He's toxic, and he will probably be equally toxic with your son.

Sounds like your h is quite right not to want to have anything to do with him.

Do you think counselling might help?

None of this is your fault. You deserved a much better dad.

We all just sympathised with him because it seemed like he was making a huge effort to visit OP (8 hours on a train!) then was dragged to a soft play centre. I think most would agree that it's a horrible day out.
However since the first post there's been a bit of a drip feed and we can see that it was his choice not to stay over, he shouldn't be going to pubs (his preference) because of medication and he has often been difficult and unreasonable to OP in the past. None of this was clear at the start.

Of course it was clear, @SallyWD

The OP clearly said her dad shouted, got upset because his grandson wasn't interacting enough, yet couldn't suggest anywhere else to go, despite the OP asking him.

It was perfectly obvious he was an arse from the start. Maybe you should improve your comprehension and inference skills.

OP updates have changed the initial query a lot.

If he wants to sulk let him sulks. He will be asking soon to visit again by the look of his behaviour.

I’m a bit confused, as you say ‘my Mum was there, too’ (in the park) and ‘that’s why I brought it up with his wife’. Are your Mum and Dad still together, or has he remarried?

Anybody who had an emotionally abusive parent growing up would not have needed the 'drip feed'. It's plain to see.

He's awful Op and you have my understanding and sympathy 💐

He has remarried. It's all there in the OP's posts.

My dad's remarried, but still speaks to my mum. It's strange, I never really realised until my husband pointed it out how much control he still has over my mum, despite them not being together for 30 years.

I grew up with my mum and saw my dad about twice a year. We always enjoyed seeing him, but he has always been a little odd even when I was growing up, for example once I was playing a video game and he saw it and said it was a kids game, but I was a child at the time, so not sure what he thought I should be playing instead! It was animal crossing too, which is ironic because lots of adults play that now anyway (and probably always did).

He is abusive. For those people saying 8 hours is a long journey - yes it is, but it's one he chose to make, refusing the offer to stay over, and in any case it doesn't make it OK to yell at people and storm off.

And from the other stuff you've told us - he doesn't treat you as a loving father should treat you, and never has. There is no benefit for your children having a relationship with him. For children:

• relationship with good, loving grandparents = lovely
• relationshop with abusive (to them / their parents) grandparents = much worse than no relationship at all

I'm so often horrified by posts like the first few. As if being tired and being on a train warrants that sort of behaviour from your father!
No! @Jendrw5 clearly tried to arrange a nice day, and if it wasn't to his liking he could politely say so. A poster upthread said something like 'sorry love but my feet hurt' would be appropriate, and I agree.

You don't just have a tantrum and then expect your daughter to read your mind about what you might like to have done instead. You definitely don't then pretend it never happened and suggest another visit without offering an apology.

My mother has form for this sort of thing. She would go off about something and leave me reeling. I'd then get the silent treatment until she saw fit to accept an apology from me. If i tried too soon id get batted away but if it went on too long my father would tell me that she was very upset, and then I'd do the apology. She has never, ever, apologised to me for anything.

She did it once too often after my father died. I just didn't offer an apology. She told anyone who'd listen for about a year that she couldn't understand why I wasn't talking to her. She never got in touch with me either. And I'd jyst let it drop. She'd reaped what she'd sowed and I was no longer the frightened child who just wanted my mum to talk to me.

We have a relationship now but it's strained and only out of a sense of duty on my side.

So no, that behaviour is appalling and rude. It's not on OP to sit him down and try to work out what went wrong.

@Thelonelygiraffe you rock sister!!

All of this - even before the additional info OP has supplied. OP you sound lovely and your dad sounds like a nasty bully. I'm sure there's even more backstory, but don't let the title 'grandparent' blind you to shitty behaviour around your child.

@Grinchymother - right back at you!!

And I'm so sorry you went through what you did with your mum. 💐 The result is absolutely her loss.

If he is toxic or otherwise too difficult for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child also.

Children need emotionally healthy grandparents, your father does not fit the bill at all so do not further subject your child to him. Toxic people like your dad never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

He was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and he has not changed in all the years since. Would urge you to keep yourself and your son well away from him going forward because he will harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed. It’s not your fault your dad is like this either, you did not make him that way. His parents did that, btw what if anything do you know about his childhood?. That often gives clues.

I can’t believe people on this thread are seriously suggesting ways you can ameliorate his feelings. Your dad is a selfish idiot and his wife sounds the same. It’s their choice to come and stay only for a day. You’re not paid entertainment and you have a baby. I’d tell him to piss off.

I knew Immediately from reading the OP that there was a history of emotional abuse and gaslighting. I'd say it was very clear from the start. I don't feel it was a drip feed at all and that the issue was evident from the beginning.

@Grinchymother that sounds awful, it's not a nice feeling when parents are like this, sounds like your mum's been horrible to you in the past. I just can't imagine treating my son that way ever.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don't know much about his childhood as its one of those things he's never talked about. I did find some newspaper clippings in his house once which touched on it, so i know it was tough, especially his own dad, but I don't know the ins and outs of it. My gran was lovely though, which makes me sad because I know she wouldn't want this to be our relationship.

Op my grandparents were toxic bullies to my mum. It was awful watching how they treated her. I wished she would cut them out. She went very low contact. One died, then 15 years later the other passed too. I didn't shed a tear for either and haven't thought about them since they died as I had no connection with them, purely due to how they treated my mother. Did me Absolutely no harm not having grandparents in my life. The way your stepmother shouted at you for brining up your dad's childish tantrum is not good enough.

Dad, if you want to come down you need to stay for the weekend if the journey is too much for one day. I also want you to give me some ideas as to how you want to spend your time because i dont want to plan something that you will hate. If you think youre going to be tired from the journey and think you wont enjoy what i suggest we do, maybe its best if you dont come.

Also sorry about how some posters have made excuses for your toxic, abusive father.

we will agree to differ. He is an adult with agency. Even based on the first message alone this is man who couldn’t communicate with his daughter in a mature and sensitive way. Who couldn’t understand why a baby wasn’t interacting with him enough. Who threw a temper tantrum because the day wasn’t to his liking and then didn’t have the maturity to apologise but got his wife to shout at his daughter for daring to bring it up and upset him.

this is a bully - maybe even a narcissist.

all from the first post.

They say the onlooker sees more of the game, and your DH has clearly noticed a dynamic that you haven't.

If I were your DH I'd be telling your dad that if he speaks to you like that one more time, he will no longer be welcome in your house.

Great post

Op I hope this thread has given you a bit of food for thought and that you can now take your time to consider things and reassess your relationship with your dad.

I had a situation with a bullying mil and suffice to say, in retrospect. although I let her walk all over me, when she started on my child I was able to draw a firm line and put in a strong boundary. The love you have for your child gives you the strength to do that sometimes.

wishing you all the best.