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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Brother in Law behaving inappropriately - please help!

101 replies

Emsy999 · 06/09/2023 23:59

Hi everyone,

I'm in a right dilemma and I don't know what to do for the best...

My elder sister has been married to my brother in law for over 20 years now and we've always had a great relationship. I've known that they haven't been happy in the marriage for a long time and (on my sister's part anyway) have only really stayed together for the sake of the children. (15 & 18 now).

I separated from my husband in March this year after 20 years together (13 married).

Not long after I separated I started getting inappropriate messages from my brother in law. He has various health issues and is in constant pain and admitted to me that he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide. He told me that he felt at ease talking to me as he has feelings for me and he can't help it. He says he gets little compassion from my sister and his children and he needs someone to talk to. I was shocked at first but was an ear to listen to. He would tell me how unhappy he was sexually in the marriage and would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to. He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Now, as you can imagine I was shocked. Not only is he my brother in law but I am SO SO close to my sister, we are best friends. I felt so bad when he'd message me and ask advise because I felt like I was betraying my sister. He asked me not to tell anyone about what we'd been talking about and asked me to delete all the messages.

I've told him on numerous occasions that nothing will ever happen between us and that he needs professional help to help him with his suicidal thoughts. I've told him that he has to talk to my sister about how he is feeling also.

Fast forward a couple of months and he's finally stopped messaging me (as I haven't responded to him). It's so awkward when I go and see my sister that I'm making excuses and asking her to meet me away from the house so he's not there.

I don't know what to do for the best. They are so unhappy in their marriage but will probably stay together. If I was to tell my sister about this I'm sure it will make her end things and I'd feel so responsible. But how can I let her live with someone like that for the rest of her life? If he's doing this to me (the closest person she has) then who knows if he's doing it to anyone else.

Have I left it too late? I'm so scared that if I do tell her now, that she'll be so hurt that I haven't told her sooner and it'll really affect our relationship. Or is it that his head is all over the place (to the point of having suicidal thoughts) and that once he gets professional help it might make him realise that what he's done is so wrong and he'll really work on his marriage.

I really don't know what to do :(
Please help!

OP posts:
FiddleLeaf · 07/09/2023 00:05

There’s no dilemma. You need to tell your sister everything.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 00:06

I honestly can't believe you didn't tell your sister what an absolute shitbag her husband is, and you should have told her immediately. Do you really not understand that the suicide bollocks was a way to coerce you to send him pictures?

Fucking hell, op, you've got a lot of fixing to do.

UndercoverCop · 07/09/2023 00:07

Imagine if she finds out and you haven't told her?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2023 00:08

If he's doing this to me (the closest person she has) then who knows if he's doing it to anyone else.

Of COURSE he's doing it to other women. Good grief, op, he saw you coming. You need to sit down with your sister and tell her everything. Show her this thread if you need to.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/09/2023 00:22

he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide.

would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to.

He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Read those back to yourself. A suicidal person doesn't emotionally blackmail others into sex. An abusive, coercive person would. Tell your sister so she can leave her toxic and probably very abusive relationship.

Jibo · 07/09/2023 00:24

You must tell her. Do you still have the messages?

Greenshake · 07/09/2023 00:34

Tell me you didn’t send him the pictures he requested?

Aishah231 · 07/09/2023 07:13

It sounds like your sister is staying in an unhappy marriage out of some sense of duty. You'll be doing her a massive favour by telling her the truth. She deserves the truth. He deserves nothing.

TwilightSkies · 07/09/2023 07:15

Of course you need to tell her.

And you aren’t responsible if she decides to end things. He’s the one who has been a horrible creep.

Susieb2023 · 07/09/2023 07:21

Can’t believe you haven’t already told her. It should have happened when the first message that crossed boundaries came through.

Your poor sister. Tell her now and make sure she doesn’t spend a moment longer with this nasty man.

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 07:22

I would have told sister asap but I understand its a dilemma. What a shit bag he is. You sussed it..but as soon as he started the cock n bull about suicide, pics, he fancied you...id have said no thats inappropriate, sent him Samaritans number.
Tell your sister over coffee...she probably knows hes trying to hook up with women but cant pin point stuff. ..or she will know something is off.

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 07:24

If you haven't saved texts etc, youll risk her not believing you. Be prepared.

efwx · 07/09/2023 07:25

I'd have told my sister immediately! I can't believe you haven't told her already, especially with how close you say you are. I would not be keeping any secrets for this man.

ChaToilLeam · 07/09/2023 07:27

Tell her. He’s a nasty manipulative shitbag of a man, using suicide threats to try to coerce you. He’s VILE.

She deserves to know the truth. Perhaps she has an inkling already.

TottenhamGirl · 07/09/2023 07:37

What a horrible situation. I totally understand that the fear of causing problems in your good relationship with your sister would have prevented you from telling her this awful thing. I believe that he’s probably being divisive though. He likely knows that your sister has no real interest in him and is trying to isolate her from her nearest and dearest. He’s been quite successful if it’s now too awkward for you to visit. Please don’t let him win! X

notahappybunny7 · 07/09/2023 07:45

Pixiedust1234 · 07/09/2023 00:22

he's felt so depressed that he's been thinking of suicide.

would say how if I sent him pictures of me (sexy) that it would stop him going over the edge and he'd have something to look forward to.

He would say that he wishes we could have some time together and how thinking of me kept him going.

Read those back to yourself. A suicidal person doesn't emotionally blackmail others into sex. An abusive, coercive person would. Tell your sister so she can leave her toxic and probably very abusive relationship.

She won’t leave him, I’ll bet she knows exactly what he’s like.

Lastchancechica · 07/09/2023 07:46

Tell you sister

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 07/09/2023 07:49

I am so so sorry. 😢 Please tell.her..i am so sorry you are dealing with such a selfish asshole.

olderbutwiser · 07/09/2023 07:52

i can’t believe you’re the first he's tried this crap on, and probably won’t be the last. How do you think she will take it?

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 07:55

olderbutwiser · 07/09/2023 07:52

i can’t believe you’re the first he's tried this crap on, and probably won’t be the last. How do you think she will take it?

I agree. Definitely up to no gd elsewhere.
He was just being lazy because SIL was easy to contact and already knew her. Some dont give a shit. Lazy fooker

PrinnyPree · 07/09/2023 07:56

Oh OP I am so sorry you are being emotionally abused and sexually blackmailed by your BIL please please tell your sister, it is best you tell her now than she finds out on her own and realises you said nothing.

What a shit situation, also you did nothing to ruin their marriage HE did. Your sister needs to know the extent of his depravity. Xx

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 07/09/2023 07:56

By not saying anything you are being manipulated by him.
Keep it neutral. " I am concerned about these messages from Ken. He doesn't seem himself, I'll leave it with you".
Their relationship is thier business, but you don't want to be a part of this.

FlamingoQueen · 07/09/2023 07:58

Tell her everything! The fact he asked you for photos is enough reason it’s own.

Thelonelygiraffe · 07/09/2023 08:12

He's a manipulative scrote.

You need to tell your sister straight away and see if you can salvage your relationship with her.

readbooksdrinktea · 07/09/2023 08:16

Loubelle70 · 07/09/2023 07:24

If you haven't saved texts etc, youll risk her not believing you. Be prepared.

This, unfortunately. But he's completely gross. Yuck.

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